I'm reading "Perfectionism Is a Trap. Here’s How to Escape. Perfectionism among young people has skyrocketed, but experts say there are ways to quiet your inner critic" (NYT).
The article is what the headline says, tips on overcoming any sort of perfectionism. I'd like to see another article about the problem of socially prescribed perfectionism. It's so clearly delusional. Other people don't expect you to be perfect. Why is there a steep rise in this particular sort of perfectionism? I'm skeptical about the notion that it's "socially prescribed." If you desire perfection for social success (or social media) success, it's not prescribed by society. You're writing your own prescription.
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The author also seems skeptical that it's "socially prescribed," according to the pull quote - "rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect."
I think the article should be clearer up front that perfectionism is a not a personal choice, it is a personality or character trait which is embedded in who you are. Too many people hear 'perfectionism' and think it is a stance or pretention someone has adopted to try and be like more like Steve Jobs or whatever.
I'd also make the point that perfectionists don't necessarily produce better work than non-perfectionists. On any time-limited and high pressure task we can waste so much time and energy in procrastination and worry that we produce a sub-standard result, and are also unable to work effectively with others as we can't tear ourselves away from the vision in our heads or put up with the messiness of collaboration.
Is tiktok an intimate mirror/critic?
I see contemporary perfectionism as following from:
1. The rise of computers, smartphones, and social media among extraverted personalities who would have never been interested in tech devices as recently as the 1990s (before Windows 95). Extraverts used to perceive computer users as geeks, dorks, nerds, "four eyes", and non-social invisible nothings. But now, with widespread reliance on technology for daily socializing, those who previously dressed up, made up their faces, bought gold chains, wore perfume, etc. to hang out in groups now apply the "dress for success" formula to social technology. The true nerds back then are still nerds today, and have been socially unaffected.
2. The Internet never forgets. Random comments from 10 or 20 years ago can come back to bite you. Cancellation. Humiliation. Job loss. Memes about goofy actions and mistakes. Perfectionism (and anonymity) today is a logical defense against incoming attacks, and also protects one's reputation far into the future.
And yet somehow today's young people are the least impressive young people in history. Perhaps what the author calls perfectionism is really just narcissism. Perhaps not having a higher purpose in life and just focusing on your brand, while adopting causes that you know nothing about simply to feel that your life has meaning, is not the path to fulfillment.
Humans by their nature developed through millions of years of natural selection are social creatures. The drive to conform with societal norms is deeply rooted in the unconscious mind. The standards perfection are presented in a highly curated edited and most flattering way on social media. In addition the societal standards for political correctness and the risk of cancellation is another level of perfectionism prescribed by society.
The notion that people are prescribing this drive for modern perfectionism all by themselves using free will is ridiculous.
"The author also seems skeptical that it's "socially prescribed," according to the pull quote - "rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect.""
I'm not suggesting the author of the article believes perfectionism is socially prescribed. I'm saying it's clearly a delusion, so why is it widely and *increasingly* believed?
The article doesn't pursue the issue, but concentrates on helping all perfectionists get out the jam they've deluded themselves into.
Perfection really needs defined in context. Mathematical calculations require perfection. Or they are nothing but wild guesses. Most decisions start with "approved" assumptions. Those than result in opinions, and not facts.
Again, I was "taught" by my dad, that my decisions don't have to be perfect. ONLY that I can demonstrate exactly how I reached my decision. You can disagree with my reason, but that is a matter of opinion.
I'll use the killing of babies as an example. I have yet to hear any reason for killing full babies past 30 weeks. So I do take exception with that decision.
My decision is a life is formed at conception. Disagree all you want, but you cannot claim it is not a human life.
Our host is right, Some are needlessly locked into caring what what others believe.
Reading posts on a LIFO queue today, but with this and the fat lady blog post, I'm sensing a theme: Release control.
[socially prescribed perfectionism is] so clearly delusional. Other people don't expect you to be perfect.
I think the root of the issue is the work being done by "expect perfection". You are literally correct that other people don't (always) "expect perfection" but that doesn't mean that they won't expect you to conform to some degree to their norms, which may be socially defined as Howard alludes to, when you don't want to. At that point you have the choice of either making a further attempt to conform, to reject the expectations and suffer the consequences, or try to negotiate new norms. Calling this situation 'socially prescribed perfectionism' makes other people's expectations the problem, not your lack of desire to conform to them, especially when lack of conformity creates friction.
They won’t even read their college textbooks and are pissed that you would even suggest it. I’d say that perfectionism is nowhere in sight.
- Krumhorn
I'd also make the point that perfectionists don't necessarily produce better work than non-perfectionists.
I have referenced before a cleaning blogger from years past, FlyLady; one thing she noted was that a lot of "Messies" - as she called her fans? adherents? - are perfectionists: their desire for a perfectly clean and tidy house gets in the way of their ability to achieve a reasonably clean and tidy house. If they can't, right then, get down there with a toothbrush and scrub the caulking around the toilet, then they can't do a proper job of cleaning the bathroom and they may as well not start. And things get worse, and worse, and worse, until it all seems too overwhelming to handle at all, and they give up in despair.
A major part of her approach was to accept that - as she said - "Cleaning imperfectly still blesses the house."
So, a cognitive behavioral approach. Here's how I feel; here's reality. Does how I feel comport with reality? If not, how would I behave if I really accepted, really believed, reality? Ok, now to what extent can I, right now, behave that way?
We're talking about social media perfection, where social media is, almost by definition, success of 'me'. It's all about 'me'.
But perfectionism is all about striving to meet a standard that is external and defined by others, in some cases, a host of 'others'. I sense a conflict.
But: All things being equal, if at some point I need brain surgery, I'd prefer it to be perfect.
How did Remus put it, at the 'Woodpile Report'? Don't let 'perfect' get in the way of 'good enough'
“Perfection is unattainable, but by pursuing perfection we can attain excellence.”
— Vince Lombardi
Once again Krumhorn is full of prune juice and canal water. It's a known fact that 95% of the baby boomers would not be able to get into the college that they got into in the 60s and seventies with their SAT and gray point average scores.
Kids these days are under tremendous pressure to perform at a very high level to get into institutes of higher learning. I will admit that I am prejudice because the only people that I know in the millennial and generation Zed cohorts are all stem oriented. I wouldn't doubt that pre-law continues to be full of morons who are too stupid to do calculus
All that cope is fine until you screw up, lose a bid, lose a case, lose your client's fortune, cause your patient to die... all because you lapsed for a minute, missed a deadline, skirted a law, overlooked a symptom.
Why is such perfectionism on the increase?
Don't they say that heavy Internet porn consumers frequently experience sexual dysfunction? Which leads them to consume more porn because actual sexual function is a problem for them, which reinforces the dysfunction, which leads to more porn consumption...
So, the resultant sexual dysfunction is a feature, not a bug.
I suppose caveat emptor, since we're living in an age in which there's always a pill, a course, or one cool trick. Social media seems to be like thalidomide: it purported to solve an age-old problem with no bad effects, but now that we've all been using it to relieve our lack of social connection and knowledge, we're seeing the terrible deformities it causes.
I'll take perfectionism over satisfied mediocrity any day.
Perfectionism is the respectable cousin of nit-picking.
Perfectionism is the respectable cousin of nit-picking.
I can see seeking perfection in your vocation or your hobby. Constantly seeking chalenges to be overcome. But in social media? Social perfection? I can't think of a greater waste of time.
Perfectionists are a pain in the butt to be around. Especially at work. They cant understand the concept of materiality, and waste everyone's time on things that don't matter.
They have their uses in lower level jobs where you can count on them to look at every detail and make sure everything is correct and every rule is being followed, but if promoted any further they cause trouble. They'll hound subordinates over minor details, and cant see the forest for the trees.
In your home life, well I cant speak to that because I've never had to live with one. My wife and all my relatives knew/know the Perfect is the enemy of the good.
Captain Queeg was the echt Perfectionist. You get the impression that Wouk really disliked the attention that Regular Naval Officers put on dressing right and other minor details. He probably would've been happier in a sub or PT boat.
"[W]e will chase perfection, and we will chase it relentlessly, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence." -- Vince Lombardi
“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” — Jesus
It is rather a CS Lewis "The doors of hell are all locked - from the inside" thought, isn't it?
@ Jamie: I agree. It is not a choice. Perfectionism can also manifest itself within the person as fixation on the “process” rather than the final “perfect” product, believing that unless the process of achieving an outcome is all consuming the product cannot be perfect.
The only bit that was really true was the link between perfectionism and self-worth. Being a perfectionist is not simply about perfection of self and your external world; it’s trying to be perfect in order to be validated, and if that validation does not transpire, the individual feels worthless. Real perfectionism is not a positive trait; it’s debilitating.
And it’s parents, not schools, that can best prevent it.
People who self-medicate are usually mentally ill.
You should strive to do your best and most concise work- it is always a trade-off, however.
I fear we are becoming a society where half-assing everything is not only acceptable, but actively encouraged and applauded. We are becoming too dumb to survive.
RCOCEAN II said...
"Perfectionists are a pain in the butt to be around. Especially at work."
I think it depends on the work. In any event you should be proud of the work you do and it should show in your work.
It's an old problem that they developed from their schooling. School punishes all failure, all non-conformity. Anything other than perfection and you want get into Columbia, Yale, Harvard...
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When a student has formed the habit of collecting and valuing the ideas of others, rather than his own, the self becomes dwarfed from neglect and buried under the mass of borrowed thought. He may then pass good examinations, but he cannot think. Distrust of self has become so deep-rooted that he instinctively looks away from himself to books and friends for ideas; and anything that he produces cannot be good, because it is not a true expression of self. This is the class of people that Mill describes in the words, "They like in crowds; they exercise choice only among things commonly done; peculiarity of taste, eccentricity of conduct, are shunned equally with crimes; until, by dint of not following their own nature, they have no nature to follow; their human capacities are withered and starved; they become incapable of any strong wishes or native pleasures, and are generally without either opinions or feelings of home growth, or properly their own." 1 Such people cannot perform the hard tasks required in study, because they have lost their native power to react on the ideas presented.
--How to Study and Teaching How to Study (1909) by F. M. McMurry, Professor of Elementary Education, Teachers College, Columbia University
Richard Feynman said,
"Being wrong is not a bad thing like they teach you in school. It is an opportunity to learn something. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error."
“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Perfect – If I tell you that Yeshua drew this statement from Leviticus 19:2, you would discover rather quickly that the verse in the Tanakh does not require us to be perfect. It says, “You shall be holy, for I the LORD your God am holy.” This should prompt you to ask, “Why does every translation of the Matthew passage use the word ‘perfect’ instead of ‘holy’?” What is the impact of translating teleios as “perfect”?
- Skip Moen _
Perfect is synonym for "Pure"
Unholy Rabbi = Unpure Rabbi
Self-imposed perfectionism. You are your own worst enemy. Not exactly a new concept.
"To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield."
- The other Lord
Blogger is being half-brained today so this may be a repeat...
Perfectionism needs to work hand-in-hand with realistic expectations. The perfectionism steers you towards a correct solution and if - unlike say programming - the goal cannot be described in precise terms, realism in execution needs exert control.
I tend towards realism in my paintings and even fall to OCD in rendering some detail - BUT one cannot apply detail forever so realistically I have to stop somewhere.
I once got lost painting an interior brick wall which was about 1/3 the painting's area. Brick walls are incredibly detailed and after over a week of layer after layer, I needed to stop, apply the layer that would 'haze' everything I'd done to that time and move on to the central figure.
So much of that wall only became noticeable if you get very close. Some might call that a waste (and I lean slightly that direction) but it turned out great, so there's that.
Rich:
Real perfectionism
Provide a definition that separates "perfectionism" and "real perfectionism".
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