The article assumes you have something it calls a "monogamy agreement." Is this a document? We're told it's supposed to be "specific":... look back over the past week or month and ask, “How many minutes did we spend actually doing something fun or pleasurable together?”... name one thing they appreciate about their sex life.... identify what [an expert] called micromoments when they came through for each other.... regularly update their 'monogamy agreements' by discussing the details of what forms of attachment they find acceptable outside of their main relationship, and asking whether those have changed.... focus on asking for what they want and what they need....
Perhaps you and your partner long ago agreed to sexual fidelity. But what about online conversations? “What about things like pornography?... What about flirting with a friend? What about having lunch with an ex?”
If you're specifying and multiply all the ways in which it's possible to be nonmonogamous, does that mean you're awfully monogamous or awfully nonmonogamous?
ADDED: Yeah, what about online conversations?
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Ooh, going steady. That's like so mature. Don't harsh my mellow.
What about reading Laslo?
I've always been partial to 'what have you done for me lately'...but as a question asked by the husband to his wife. It really puts the shoe on the other foot, especially if you pair them up on a sheet of paper and judge them by difficulty, time taken, sacrifice needed to perform task by each party asking the question and receiving the answer.
I did it once with my wife and it kind of shocked her. I was definitely doing 'more for her lately'.
I feel the effect would be very similar in many many relationships. Subconscious cultural social subtext matters, the that subtext really makes Western women feel they 'deserve' more.
Even if I really did need someone to re-invent dating and marriage from first principles, I certainly wouldn't hire the NYT to do the job.
What ? No questions about "gender fluid" couples. Shame !
If they didn't complicate a simple thing, they'd have nothing to write about. Monogamy doesn't require an extensive written agreement even if it is a bit grey around the edges. Monogamy means they are the only person you turn to for physical or emotional intimacy.
Online conversations are verboten? That's a red flag. Porn is out? That's not cheating, but it is a personal moral issue that some people object to.
You only need a contract if what you're looking for isn't really monogamy.
I can't imagine a world where I had to get permission to flirt, and God bless Bill Clinton for the BJ exemption!
Should Meade be concerned about you and me? Sometimes I think you might be being a little flirty....
"Are we still monogamous?" If you have to ask...
Sorry, Ann. I must now tell my wife about you.
These people are freaks.
And I highly suspect this was written by someone looking to bang your wife.
Got married in 1978, and through 2 WESPACs, 2 Med runs, 5 SSBN patrols, and other times at sea, never wondered about that at all. Nor did my better half.
If you’re doing it right it goes with the whole marriage thing.
If you’ve been together for years and haven’t married you probably should be worried.
Question #1:
"Are you sleeping with that bitch again?"
I can't remember what's in our monogamy agreement. I must have stuffed it in the fireproof folder, in the closet, where I keep our marriage license, the marriage certificate we got from the rabbi, our birth certificates, my dad's citizenship papers, and my life insurance policies. Haven't opened that file for a few decades now, I guess now that I'm curious about what's in my monogamy agreement I'll go look in it after lunch ...
Anyway, to answer your question "If you're specifying and multiply all the ways in which it's possible to be nonmonogamous, does that mean you're awfully monogamous or awfully nonmonogamous?" - I think it means you're roommates taking advantage of a tax benefit in the federal income tax code.
Love is a temporary insanity. Oh what a wonderful insanity. Many miss it. But a faithful companion is worth staying sane for.
This reminds me of the old New Yorker cartoon of two old cowpokes sitting on a ramshackle porch.
"Dusty, did we used to be gay?"
This reminds me of the old New Yorker cartoon of two old cowpokes sitting on a ramshackle porch.
"Dusty, did we used to be gay?"
I can see the value of these monogamy documents, like, Jerry, i love you and if you want to do random disease impregnated tattooed bikers every now and then, that's OK!.
Specifying the ways you might be bad ... Groucho Marx had a theatrical agent on What's My Line? Of course Groucho had dealt with such people since he was about 5.
"So what do you do for a living? Explain to these people how you actually justify your pay check."
"I make sure to pursue opportunities for the talent to perform, so they can focus on their act. I maximize both their income and their exposure which can lead to future income."
"Can you think of some ways you could increase your own profit by chiseling the talented people you are supposed to serve?"
Agent comes up with some ideas.
Groucho: "I see you've given this a lot of thought."
I'll say it. My sig other is Jealous of Professor Althouse. I dont think I spend an inordinate amount of time on her site. Nor is my banter as erudite or learned as other commenters. But still when she catches me here I hurriedly close tabs pretending I'm somewhere else. She tells me that Meade is going to kick my ass one day. Maybe so... But first he has to catch me.
New York Times readers seem to be extraordinarily bad at sex...which means, eventually, no more New York Times readers!
Or if you are FLDS, "Are we still polygamous?"
I've often been told that I am highly moral, especially in showing kindness or forgiveness, as in overlooking insults or not seeking revenge.
Isn't a monogamy agreement usually called a marriage?
Hard to know these days.
We have now reached the point where the demand for columns and articles far exceeds the supply of interesting things that anyone has to say. How do we get off of this bus?
It's not my fault my wife doesn't share my Althouse and pr0n interests; OTOH she has her widespread fellow cultists to share her dramatic enthusigasms.
These writers just sit around apparently, and try to dream up things that would set readers atwitter and then they put pen to paper, making up stuff as they go. At the end they lean back from their computer and think, "Another day, another dollar." Then they get up and go home and face the misery of their marriage or kids or whatever else they have screwed up.
Their article gets published and before they can count the ridiculous comments, it is time to do it again. So they scratch their heads, read some colleagues' material and before long another idea of something that will set readers atwitter, comes to mind. Get to typing and before long, it's "Another day, another dollar." And on it goes.
Reads like an excerpt from "Loving relationships for people who hate one another".
Wouldn't work for me. Our marriage contract has secret codicils. They get revealed to me on a need-to-know basis.
assumes you have something it calls a "monogamy agreement." Is this a document? We're told it's supposed to be "specific"
Hmm, Maybe the Guy's would be some thing like:
To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance
And the Girl's would be some thing like:
To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance
I don't know, i'm just making it up as i go along
Here's a good question:
Do you entirely trust your partner?
Trust has such a deep psychological, spiritual, physiological impact on us, and the impact of monogamy is to have that profound effect on both partners so they are able to navigate the challenges and complications of the rest of life with at least one area of deep stability.
Someone who has no areas of trust is always on edge with relationships and intimacy and always dealing with the stress inducing impacts of distrust.
I think monogamy agreements should involve an exchange of rings to identify the commitment and some kind of ceremony where the agreement is witnessed by family, friends, and some representative of a local religious body.
This is why I'm a Catholic: these issues are already largely addressed by the Church.
As a (lapsed) Catholic, I told my wife early on in our monogomous marriage that we could never divorce, because my family would be distressed by it, but that I'd accept a knife through my heart while sleeping as an indicator she was done with our marriage. That is the traditional Catholic means of ending monogomy, right?
Gilbar!! That’s quite an imagination you have! ;0)
Having been in a one-sided monotonous(heh)- monogamous marriage, it is very hard to trust completely. B/c of this, I was gifted a man who is very faithful.
I think.
And we agreed early on to never go out w/out the other and to not party w/couples or even spend too much time w/other couples. Idk why. Maybe b/c we see such chaos all around that we do our best not to have our heads turned.
Kinda like Pence.
We have the other stuff but no specific monogamy agreement. We said we'd be monogamous 41 years ago and we trust each other. So far it's enough.
Since my spouse and I are both attorneys, imagine the endless fun we will have "regularly update their 'monogamy agreements' by discussing the details of what forms of attachment they find acceptable outside of their main relationship, and asking whether those have changed.... focus on asking for what they want and what they need...."
If that's what marriage would actually entail, I would say The Hell With It!
No fault breach has made monogamy agreements nothing more than a piece of paper.
Gospace said...
Got married in 1978, and through 2 WESPACs, 2 Med runs, 5 SSBN patrols, and other times at sea, never wondered about that at all. Nor did my better half.
Most people have no idea what you are talking about. They see "cruise" and think a couple weeks on carnival.
Let me know if I get this right. My cruising was about 10 years before you so it might have eased up. All times are homeport to homeport. Most likely no home leave between
Ssbn patrol 3-4 months, two patrols every 12-14 months. Underwater the whole time. A shipmate of mine once spent 170 days continuous underwater. Fast attack boat.
Westpac and Med, 6 months on station, call it 7 months including travel.
Used to be a cruise every 18 months or so. In between cruises, 1-4 week cruises every month or two.
No phone calls, damn little mail.
John LGBTQ Henry
John Henry, I keep forgetting that. Most of the people around me have been around long enough to have a clue.
WEPAC and Med Run- scheduled 6 months to the day, usually longer. SSBN patrols, 102 days on the boat, 98 off, repeat endlessly. Report to boat, 4 days to turnover from the offgoing crew, port and starboard duty- About 36 hours on board then 12 hours off for liberty or sleep- usually liberty. A few days shakedown cruise, then underwater for 72 days. return to port- 4 days to turn over to the oncoming crew.
Then there's weekly runs. Out on Monday, return Friday. Third one after getting married said see you Friday as I left the apartment in San Diego. Called her two Fridays later from Pearl Harbor. We heard a noise in the ocean that wasn't ours, and there was no one else around to follow it- we got relieved just past Hawaii. The tobacco addicted were in sorry shape by then...
I'd do it all over again. With the right CinC- not now.
"Another day, another dollar."
Overpaid.
Maybe if you ask, they'll give your money back.
Soooooooooooooooooooo....what if she says she's into swinging right now?
Sooooooooooooooooooooooo....what is she says she's into the swinging thing now?
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