"Harris’s stint as vice president has often been pretty unremarkable, but it has provided a rich vein of memes, in part because she can be an awkward communicator...."

"It’s part of what fueled critical media coverage of her during the first year of her tenure, and which led the White House to largely sideline her during the first half of the Biden presidency.... As the first female, Black, and South Asian vice president, Harris was always doomed to receive an extraordinary amount of scrutiny and bias — and emphasized her persona as a 'joyful warrior' in part to combat some of those stereotypes. The joyful warrior, it seems, is sometimes a goofy one too. Harris delivers many of these lines in a genuinely funny way, with an affect unlike many politicians (described sometimes as just vibing along).... Plenty of people are... meme-ing their way to a new celebration of Harris — unburdened by what has been."

I'm reading "Why is everyone talking about Kamala Harris and coconut trees? Ironic Kamala Harris meme-ing isn’t so ironic anymore," a Vox article from July 3rd, when KH was just coasting along in the background, shielded by the seeming candidate, Joe Biden. I don't really understand what was ever "ironic" about any of this.

There are various embedded tweets at that link, including, "How are you supposed to exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you AND be, unburdened by what has been at the same time? Waiting for her 3rd great revelation that synthesizes these two." That's a reaction to this:

Four straight minutes of “what can be, unburdened by what has been.” It’s incredible. I had no idea she used it this much. pic.twitter.com/TClfC1EyH6

— John Cooper (@thejcoop) June 29, 2024

I can understand her interest in being "unburdened by what has been," but she's stepping into the candidacy without having had to fight off rivals who offered new visions or even needing to present anything of her own.

ADDED: I didn't know people had taken to calling Kamala Harris a "joyful warrior," but this year is a lot like 1968 — President withdraws, VP steps into candidacy, convention in Chicago — and the candidate, Hubert Humphrey was famously called "The Happy Warrior."

ALSO: Gretchen Whitmer has called herself "The Happy Warrior." From a July 9th article in the NYT, "Whitmer Talks Tequila, Pearl Jam and Debates in New Book/The Michigan governor will not talk about running for president. But her new book, 'True Gretch,' is full of details keeping the chatter alive":

"I’ve had conversations with Bono back in the day... He said that when U2 makes a record, it’s like they’ve got a racehorse..."

"... and they don’t just want the horse in the race, they want to win the race. I said we race the horse and then we let the horse run free. I wasn’t trying to be clever. That was the truth. He was frustrated with me. But the dream was to be in a group that toured and recorded, and we were OK with things being scaled down if that allowed the dream to survive."

Said Eddie Vedder, quoted in "Eddie Vedder Is Still Learning to Live With Loss" (NYT).

"Obama defies CDC guidance by inviting 500 people to his celebrity-studded 60th birthday party at his $12m mansion on Martha's Vineyard/Pearl Jam will perform and guests including Steven Spielberg will be served by 200 staff."

The Daily Mail reports. 

1. You can't "defy" "guidance." Guidance is guidance. You can follow it or make your own choice.

2. Thanks, Obama, for showing us how to handle guidance and to make our own choice.

3. And good for you for having so many wonderful friends. You are sublimely lovable, inspiring some of us, perhaps, to be a little more amicable, but if not and in any case, we can see why it is you and not we who have 500 ultra-glamorous friends and why it would be surly of us to begrudge you that celebration on the occasion of marking the 60 years that you have graced Planet Earth.

4. Pearl Jam. Why Pearl Jam? Is that your favorite group? Points for not thinking you had to demonstrate diversity and just picking the music you like best or the music that most powerfully draws the celebrities you want to your remote island home. 

5. I think it would be annoying to have Pearl Jam in my home. But then, I think it would be annoying to have 500 people in my home. Annoying and ludicrous. What am I saying? Obviously, the people are going to be somewhere out in the yard — on the grounds — perhaps with some sort of tent or...

6. Maybe they're building a free-standing ballroom for the occasion. I've seen grunge bands play at a place called a ballroom. There was moshing. I'm picturing Obama's 500 celebrity studs moshing. Moshing at Martha's.

7. To mask or to mosh? That is the question. Answer it for yourselves! That's the message from the most charismatic man in the world.

Eddie Vedder sings Tom Petty for the Oscars

Most #MeToo noncompliant 3 seconds:



"You're a movie star now. You give them what they want, you can get anything."

Shockingly close to "And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything."

"It was like a chinook coming out of the Pacific Northwest. It had an anger to it and it appealed to twenty-something people who felt displaced and unemployed and left out."

Said David Letterman — speaking at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony — about the 1991 Pearl Jam album "Ten." He continues:

I was almost 50 and even I was pissed off.... Then, it turned out that these guys in Pearl Jam were something more than a band. They're true living cultural organisms. They would recognize injustice and they would stand up for it....

In 1994, these young men risked their careers by going after those beady-eyed, blood-thirsty weasels. I'm just enjoying saying that. And because they did, because they stood up to the corporations I'm happy to say, ladies and gentleman, today every concert ticket in the United States of America is free....

I used to have a television show, they were on my show 10 different times over the years. Every time they were there, they would blow the roof off the place and I'm not talking figuratively. They actually blew the roof off the place. For two years I did a show without a roof over the goddamn theater....

I love that joke format: Use a metaphor and then act like it's not a metaphor. Can't think of any other examples at the moment. Maybe you can.

25 years ago today: Pearl Jam released its first album.

"25 years ago today, on August 27, 1991, Pearl Jam released its debut album, Ten, which most people would probably agree is the band's best...."

Pearl Jam has never been one of my favorite bands. But I give them a lot of credit: they sincerely tried to make a work of art with "Jeremy," and they succeeded....

So writes my son John, who played a lot of this genre of music (grunge) around the house — much of it not recorded music — in the 1999s. Very little of it was Pearl Jam though.

There seems to be a phenomenon — in every genre and in all time periods — of musical performers/groups that seem to be very popular but that actual people profess only to dislike or to concede to enjoying only as a "guilty pleasure" or hating except for that one song.

Anyway, back in 2008, John worked out a top 40 of grunge songs. It's extremely well worked out with explanations for all the choices. Example: "The labyrinthine nine-chord progression of the verse is a rarity -- more akin to the Beach Boys' 'Don't Talk, Put Your Head on My Shoulder' or the Beatles' 'Because' than the average song from the '90s."

Dennis Hopper has died.

Cancer. He was 74.

Talk about your favorite Dennis Hopper movies. "Easy Rider," "Blue Velvet," "Basquiat," "True Romance," "River's Edge," "Rumble Fish," "Apocalypse Now," "The Trip," "Head"... a huge list. And look at all the old TV shows he had parts in... "Surfside 6," "The Naked City," "The Millionaire," "Petticoat Junction," "Wagon Train," "Swiss Family Robinson"... on and on.

ADDED: This is "The Trip":



AND: Here he is talking about James Dean teaching him how to act:



Here's his screen test for Andy Warhol, from 1965:



AND: That great scene in "True Romance":



NOW: What kind of beer are you drinking?



AND: Don't wait for heaven, get out and fly, just glide there, through the clear air, making figure eights, through the pearly gates, where the soul and the universe meet....

About all that hair.

We all know by now that Christopher Hitchens got a "back, sack and crack wax."

So let's move on to a general contemplation of humanity and its body hair:

It is hard in the West to recall that there was a brief moment when the ladygarden was left untended, and the female body celebrated and desired in its natural state. The actress Sienna Miller is now filming Hippy Hippy Shake, a movie about the Oz magazine trial, and photos have circulated of her naked, except for obligatory flowers in her hair. And yet for all the effortful re-creation of the Sixties, one glaring anachronism remains: the Hitler moustache of a Brazilian wax, which marks Miller out as a totally 21st-century girl. Perhaps Hair and Make-up couldn't manage a merkin.

Oh, yeah, I remember those hippies. Remember:

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

What was the "there" there, if not... "the ladygarden"? It says everywhere. Could it be any plainer?

Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

"Waxen" didn't mean you should be waxing your hair off. It meant it was fine for it to be waxy.

Here's the video for the song. You know, I remember when they were filming "Hair" in Central Park, and the call went out for people with a lot of hair to come out and be extras. I considered going — I looked like this around that time — but I was too busy or too aloof or — oh, who knows what I was thinking about in the mid-70s.

Back to the main article:

But then around the mid-90s some mysterious memo went out to twentysomething women that it was no longer sufficient to tidy the “bikini line” so it didn't cascade down the inner thigh like a spider plant.

Oh, yeah, before the mid-90s, you could wear a bikini and reveal pubic hair growing all down your legs! [CORRECTION: Ha, ha. I misread that.]

Let's get the history straight. The bikini hair that caused a stir in the mid-90s was brimming over the top like this — on the cover of The Black Crowes album "Amorica." Even The Black Crowes didn't go for the down to there hair — and neither did anyone in the 70s. Not in a bathing suit anyway.

(Hmmm.... maybe you could in Britain.)

The gyms of Britain were suddenly full of women waxed into weeny welcome mats, with all the stubble, bruises, pimpled hair follicles and burst blood vessels that accompany this excruciating sexifying of the sex.

Like a trend for comedy-size breast implants, inflatable lips, hair extensions, extreme nails and high street daywear revealing more tittage than a ten-quid hooker, waxing filtered down from the porn industry. Here defuzzing makes the action, as it were, easier to follow. And for male performers depilation adds the illusion of an extra inch. Maybe Hitchens had that in mind.

Now, I'm thinking of this banned album cover. (More banned album covers here.)

And don't you love Wikipedia? Check out the luxuriantly detailed article "Merkin." President Merkin Muffley — the (bald) President of the United States in "Dr. Strangelove" — came easily to mind for me. But there's so much more:

The narrator, Humbert Humbert, in Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita (1955), recalls, "Although I told myself I was looking merely for a soothing presence, a glorified pot-au-feu, an animated merkin, what really attracted me to Valeria was the imitation she gave of a little girl."

Pynchon, in Gravity's Rainbow, says, "He wears a false cunt and merkin of sable both handcrafted...by the notorious Mme. Ophir."...

The 1969 film Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? written by and starring Anthony Newley, is a veritable cornucopia of dirty-joke names. In addition to the two in the title, there's a character (played by Joan Collins), named Polyester Poontang.

Pearl Jam and Neil Young released a two-song companion to Mirror Ball called Merkin Ball....

In an episode of Family Guy, an advertising agent offers Joe Swanson a car, his pants and a merkin so that he will sign up for an advertising contract....

On the 1967 Chess LP The Baroques by the Milwaukee band of the same name, the word "merkin" is heard in the song "Bicycle." The lyric is "...I'll take back the merkin I gave you for Christmas, and you'll be sorry when the wind gets cold, 'cause it'll be hanging from the aerial of my bicycle...."

Lots more at the link.

"George Bush, leave this world alone." "George Bush, find yourself another home."

Pearl Jam lyrics -- sung to the tune of "The Wall" and censored by AT&T in a concert cybercast. AT&T apologizes and puts the uncensored version up. Pearl Jam says:

"What happened to us this weekend was a wake up call, and it's about something much bigger than the censorship of a rock band," Pearl Jam said on its Web site.

"AT&T's actions strike at the heart of the public's concerns over the power that corporations have when it comes to determining what the public sees and hears through communications media," the band said.

This is such a great publicity opportunity for the old band that they must be secretly thanking AT&T. Otherwise, who'd notice this:



But, of course, they're right that the censorship is terrible. It's hard to understand how AT&T could be stupid enough to engage in it though. Could Pearl Jam have engineered it for the publicity? If you analyze things according to who benefits, the answer should be yes, but maybe the evil "corporations" are out to oppress us for no reason at all.

"American Idol" -- It Came From the Nineties.

The theme tonight is the nineties. I'm thinking of all the great Alternative Rock songs early in the decade, but no... that's not how it will be! Bo Bice sings some chaotic, unmusical Black Crowes song. He tries to make us like him by wearing a huge, floppy black-and-white cowhide-patterned hat and by dancing on the judges' table, something you know Simon will experience as appalling. Jessica Sierra does a Leann Rimes song, and it's completely dull. My mind wanders. Oh, it's over. Good. And Anwar sings "I Believe I Can Fly," making the beginning astoundingly singsong, then doing some Stevie Wonderish high notes to try to distract us from the mediocrity of it all. Paula lays it on thick -- so disgustingly that I'm writhing on the floor gagging. Anwar raises a fist in victory and it's all so terribly unreal that I'm hoping for Simon to slam Anwar, even though Anwar seems to be such a sweet guy that you don't normally want anything bad ever to happen to him. Simon agrees with Randy about the complete inadequacy of the low notes, reminding the voters not to fall for the glorious high notes but to penalize poor Anwar for the really bad half of the song.

Nadia's hair is back to full-on Nadiosity, and she sings "I'm the Only One." Didn't Nikki McKibbin sing that in Season 1? I'd say she's a lot worse than Nikki, as an exciting singer. But after what happened to Nadia last week, I bet the judges try to help her. Randy damns her with the faint praise she always gets: you're not the best singer in the competition, but... Simon likes her but is critical of the song: it's not melodic. Which has been my problem all night: unmelodic songs! Was that some 90s trend? Also, let me say something about the words:

Please baby can’t you see
My mind’s a burnin’ hell
I got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’
My heart apart as well

Is this the way to convince your lover to come back? I'd say it's time to get a restraining order! That's just ugly!

Here's Constantine! I started liking him last week, you know. And in his interview, he's talking about Grunge. Finally, something that really says 90s! But what is this cheesy love song? It doesn't seem grungy at all! What kind of a bait-and-switch is this? "I Can't Make You Love Me." I don't get it. I was expecting Nirvana or at least Pearl Jam. But this is Bonnie Raitt! This isn't Grunge! Paula and Randy love it, but Simon likes him too! "Classic pop star." So much for Grunge!

Nikko... It's this song, which I've never heard before -- or never been conscious of hearing. Total nonsong. Randy raves. Paula raves. Simon thinks it was a good copy of the original. Eh...

Anthony Fedorov is driveling something about the way you look tonight, which focuses me on the horrible green shirt he's wearing tonight. Ooh, he's awful! "I want to be nice," Simon says, "because I like you"... but he isn't nice -- quite appropriately!

Carrie Underwood sings "Independence Day," and they all love her. Simon tells her she has "that It factor -- and that's what it's all about." Does nothing for me.

Scott Savol. Aaarrrggghhhh. Singsong beginning. Weird high-low stuff. What is this song? It's all over the place. It's this. "Ambitious song... all right" ... "I was swaying... vibing it... you got my heart" ... "Get real here. Whoever wins this competition has to enter the real world."

Vonzell goes last? She does an old "American Idol" favorite, "I Have Nothing." I never need to hear this song again. The judges like it!

So what do I think of tonight? I think they were in a completely different 90s from what I remember. There was some great music, but they didn't sing any of it. These bellow-y ballads? I hate them all! Who should go? They all should go! If I ever motivated myself to dial the telephone and try to save anyone -- which I don't -- who would I vote for? Oh, Vonzell, because I like her. And Constantine, because he's sweet and self-effacing. Who would I kick out? Carrie, because the Powers That Be like her too much. Anthony, because he hurt my ears. Anwar, because that singsonging thing was lame.

UPDATE: Adam at Throwing Things seems to share my basic take on the contestants. Plus he says a lot of funny things. I especially liked: "Nikko -- Welcome to Charles Grigsby/Rickey Smith World; Population: Three."

UPDATE, WEDNESDAY NIGHT: So Jessica's gone. That's what I predicted. Well, either her or Anwar. And Anwar came in next to the last. It's striking how well the voters get it. The show itself was boring tonight. There was another dreadful group sing.

Nervous Norvus, "Transfusion."

I've listened to a lot of old novelty songs over the years, but I had never heard of Nervous Norvus until today. This morning, there was a fresh coat of icy snow on the street, and I was thinking back to my recent car crash, as I backed Silvio out of the driveway to go to work, and the satellite radio was tuned to the "Decades" channel where it's always the 1950s, and here was this crazy song "Transfusion," by Nervous Norvus. It's all about a drunk-driving car wreck, with much talk of getting a blood transfusion, with a bit of a beatnik twist to it (as in: "Hey, Daddy-o, Make that Type O"). Here's a sampling:

Tooling down the hightway doing 79
I'm a twin pipe papa and I'm feelin fine
Hey man dig that was that a red stop sign-
(scrreeech-BANG!!tinkle)
Transfusion transfusion
I'm just a solid mess of contusions
Never never never gonna speed again
Slip the blood to me Bud

Every verse ends with a line like that:

Shoot the juice to me Bruce...

Pass the crimson to me Jimson...

Pass the claret to me Barrett...

Pump the fluid in me Louie...

Put a gallon in me Alan...

Yikes! But maybe there should be a satellite channel that just constantly reminds you to drive carefully. I had been thinking the other day that there should be a channel with an authoritative voice saying things like, "Pay attention! A small child might dart out at any moment! You must always be aware! Remember the person in the next car might be talking on a cell phone..." But maybe there should just be a Careful Driver music channel playing things like "Transfusion" and "Dead Man's Curve" ("the last thing I remember, Doc, I started to swerve/and then I saw the Jag slide into the curve"), and "Tell Laura I Love Her" ("but as they pulled him from the twisted wreck"). (Email me with other play list suggestions.)

Sidenote: Ray Peterson, who had the hit single of "Tell Laura I Love Her" back in 1960, died recently.
UPDATE: I don't know why "Tell Laura I Love Her" didn't automatically make me write "Last Kiss." In "Laura," the guy dies and the girl prays for him in a chapel. In "Last Kiss," the girl dies and the guy determines to live a virtuous life to be reunited with her in Heaven. Note that in both songs, it's the guy with the soul that needs looking out for. The goodness of the girl is never in doubt. (Sorry the lyrics link for "Last Kiss" does not have the full set of words found in the original hit single. I'm thinking the Pearl Jam version of the song left out the part where the girl goes back to the car to get the ring. Maybe it's sadder when you're not distracted by thinking about how dumb it was to go back for the ring.) EMERGENCY ADDITION TO THE UPDATE: As a reader points out, I'm mixing up "Last Kiss" with "Teen Angel"! And so, "Teen Angel" will be added to the Drive Safe playlist.

ANOTHER UPDATE: This Bob Dylan song is stunningly good at striking caution into the mind of the driver.

YET MORE: Another reader offers Roy Acuff's "Wreck on the Highway":

There was whiskey and blood all together
Mixed with glass where they lay
Death played her hand in destruction
But I didn't hear nobody pray.

The singer is very disturbed by the lack of prayer at a terrible car wreck. I'm thinking the message here is not only to be careful not to have a car wreck, but to be careful to pray and keep your soul in proper condition for death, which may come suddenly, such as in this car wreck. I like these very simple, old cowboy songs. This reminds me to stop at the "Hank's Place" channel on the satellite radio some of the time.

AND MORE: A reader suggests "Hot Rod Lincoln," which I'm afraid encourages reckless driving (even though he gets stopped by the cops in the end). Also --"Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!" -- "Leader of the Pack."

AND YET MORE: This song, "Beep Beep," is totally inappropriate for my Drive Safe playlist, but writing this post made me think about it. It was a very popular novelty song in 1958, when I was a kid. I especially liked it because it featured a Nash Rambler outpacing a Cadillac, and our family car was a Nash Rambler.

AND: Several emailers have mentioned Bruce Springsteen's "Wreck on the Highway," which is different from the Roy Acuff song, dispute the nearly identical title.

"It's so unusual to be standing when we're usually sitting."

So let's just start there, with the first dumb quote since I turned on the TV to watch and simul-blog the Golden Globes. The statement was made by William Shatner (a nominee!) to Star Jones, and is a witticism, presumably, because normally one would talk to Star Jones while seated on the set of "The View."

Kathy Griffin to some actor I don't recognize: "Do you guys have any weed?" His answer: "On us? At the moment?"

Joan Rivers to Ashley Judd: "Go ahead and go in and get your award. They're screaming for you to go in."

Okay, well, that will kick off this post. The big show is about to begin, and I'll be updating through the night below, with each new entry next to a number:

1. Best Supporting Actor: Thomas Hayden Smith, aw -- he really looks like he wants to win. But it's Clive Owen for "Closer." He thanks a lot of people. Nothing interesting said. Yawn! Now Best Supporting Actress: Virginia Madsen looks like she really wants to win. Natalie Portman looks pretty in a flimsy nightgown of a dress. Tim Robbins, announcing the nominees, pronounces the name of her movie, "Closer," as if it's the title of a person who shuts doors or completes business deals. Then he corrects his pronunciation. Then he announces the award, and it's Natalie! So far, it's a sweep for "Closer." Mike Nichols, the director of "Closer," is, thus far, the most lavishly praised person in the room. He's beaming and looking very grand.

2. Best Supporting Actress, TV version: Oh, it's gotta be Adriana. Charlize Theron has short black hair! And Angelica Huston wins!!! I can't believe Drea De Matteo (Adriana) didn't win. After all of her suffering! Oh, no! Angelica is a goddess though. I begrudge her nothing. She's dripping in jewels. "It's such a pleasure to be in this business." Best Supporting Actor, TV version: Michael Imperioli -- how can he win when Adriana didn't win? William Shatner: why the hell not? And it is!!! It's Shatner! Imperioli takes a gulp of water. Shatner is bright red, as if he might have a heart attack and die while finally getting his recognition. "Wanna thank the wife ... Let's see ... Leslie, Liz, and Melanie ... Shelley, Kelly, and Donna ..." Chris says: "This is the most boring speech." But there was a moment there, when he first gripped his hand around the award and looked at it and said "William Shatner" that was kind of cool and touching. [UPDATE: Tung Yin explains how Shatner saying "William Shatner" was actually a reference to something his character on "Boston Legal" does.]

3. A clip from "Kinsey" is introduced, describing Kinsey as a man who, among other things, "changed his own life forever." What's the accomplishment in that? Would could possibly avoid such a thing? Now, here's Jim Carrey, making an inside joke about the Weinsteins. Goldie Hawn brays with laughter. Now we're "celebrating" ... oh, I don't know what ... apparently just the whole idea of movies. And now Bill Clinton -- of all people -- is on the screen. "Aw, he looks sick," says Chris. He's talking about tsunami relief. Best Actress, TV series drama: Jennifer Garner is dimpling magnificently. The winner is Mariska Hargitay. She's wearing a liquid lilac dress and showing very distinctive nipplage. She says "49 years ago my mother accepted an award" and goes into a crying tribute to her dad, who, unlike her beautiful mother Jayne Mansfield, is still alive. He's being supported by two people. He's trembling and weeping. He's Mickey Hargitay, once famous as a bodybuilder. Best Actor, TV series drama: Ian McShane, from "Deadwood." He clutches the award and says "Mine!"

4. Samuel Jackson introduces the clip from "The Incredibles." I'm impressed by the animation of the silky black hair on the little girl. Meryl Streep comes out to introduce an award and leans into the mike and says "Congratulations, Natalie" in a way that means, you little, undeserving bitch. Now the award for made-for-TV movie. They all look like crap. "Life and Death of Peter Sellers" wins. Actually, it did have the best clip. Three boring producer guys make their way to the stage while we hear the record "What's New Pussycat?" Speech: booooorrrrrinnnnngggggggg. Best Actor, TV series comedy is the next award. Do I even watch any of these shows? Yeah! Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I love that show! Can Lar possibly win? No, Jason Bateman wins for "Arrested Development." He reads names from an index card, which he refers to and waves about. He has huge feet (always a good sign).

5. "Oh, she's pretty," I say when I see an actress in a beige swathing of a dress. It's Halle Berry, introducing the clip for "Finding Neverland," which plays with schmaltzy music. Closeup on the sweet Johnny Depp, wearing nice nerdy glasses. Now Will Ferrell is here to announce the Best Actress, musical/comedy. Kate Winslet got the most applause! I think she'll win! Go Kate! But it's Annette Benning, who takes a delicate sip of champagne before rising to kiss Warren Beatty and waltz up to the stage. She appreciates the award, and she had "a hell of a good time" making her movie ("Being Julia"). Best TV Series, drama. A long clip for each nominee is shown. Wow! "Lost" is cheesy. So is "Nip/Tuck." Weird. Obviously, "The Sopranos" is the best. They show the clip of Tony criticizing A.J. about "a coupla beers." "Nip/Tuck" wins. About ten people have to come up to the stage. "They're taking a million years," I say, getting impatient. A producer gives a boring speech while a tall woman with huge breasts is seen just over his shoulder. She knows which body parts are on camera. She shimmies the golden globes gelatinously.

6. Naomi Watts introduces the clip for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and makes a flub just as she's talking about having your mind erased. After the clip, there's a closeup of Jim Carrey, touched by his own film. Now the Desperate Housewives come out. The camera frames them all extra close, excluding their chests, as if a call came in from FCC Chairman Michael Powell during the last commercial break. They give the award for Actor, TV miniseries/movie. It's Geoffrey Rush, for the Peter Sellers movie, so we get to hear "What's New Pussycat?" again. He makes a joke about speech lessons using the term "vowel movements." Al Pacino comes out to give the award for Best Actress, TV miniseries/movie. Glenn Close doesn't seem to take herself too seriously. Bythe Danner smirks at her own clip. Miranda Richardson makes me say: "Ha! She thinks she's great." Glenn Close wins and holds her hand over her mouth in disbelief as she hurries to the stage. "Meryl is it okay? Are we still friends?" The award is a huge, shining cherry on a fabulous cake … or something. She thanks the person who made her huge, heartbreaking wig. She seems nice!

7. Quentin Tarantino is talking to … is that Henry Kissinger? Chris: "I think it's Martin Scorsese." Me: "That would make more sense." More commercials. Now Glenn Close is back, introducing a clip of "Closer." Best foreign is next. "The Sea Inside" wins. Alejandro Amenobar.

8. That last segment was the most boring of the show so far. Now: Best Screenplay. It's going to be Charlie Kaufman for "Eternal Sunshine," isn't it? No, Alexander Payne for "Sideways." I haven't seen the movie, but I've loved him from "Election." Shot of Schwarzenegger and Shriver in the audience. Jeez, she looks awful. Time for the TV comedy actress award. It goes to Teri Hatcher, for "Desperate Housewives." I've never seen it, and I don't care. I will say she's wearing a glorious silvery, stripey dress. She pretends to be ditzy. She takes the feminist angle: I get to work with so many great over-40 women. She's pleased to get to stand here in front of all these movie stars. Another pretty dull, get-the-unimportant-awards-out-of-the-way segment.

9. Laurence Fishburne introduces the clip for "Hotel Rwanda." I want to see that. Out come Usher and Lisa Maria Presley. "She seems so uninterested," Chris says. She's very blasé. As well she should be. Who can think what it would be like to be her? She's wearing a black cape. The award is for score. Who cares? "The Aviator" wins. "I'd like to thank my fellow nominees for their fine work" – boooorrriiingggg. You can hear people gabbing and misbehaving in the audience. Lisa Marie looks pissed. I think I see her mouthing an obscenity at Usher. She's stuck introducing a second music-related award, the loathsome best song award, which should be called least atrocious song. The song from "Polar Express" evokes retching noises chez Althouse. Mick Jagger has a nomination. So that's why he's there. I've been watching his wizened face all night. I want him to win, because I want to see him on stage. Yes! Yes! Yes! Applause chez Althouse. He says something like "I'd like to thank Dave's shirt for getting me into this mess" and then "music has become like a push-up bra for us" and something about "plunging." Mick rules. Mick's suit is shiny and dark blue. When his writing partner starts thanking his kids, Mick whisks him aside and says "and all our kids – they're too many of them – we're not going to mention them all." [UPDATE: Here's the real quote, taken from the TiVo copy. He really says "I'd like to thank Dave Stewart for getting me into this mess." And "He was the one who introduced me to the whole idea of this movie soundtrack, which we've never done before. And I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for taking this rather obscure song and using it ... it's become like a push-up bra for us ... and plunging it ... plunging it back into the limelight."]

10. Prince!!!! Yay!!! Black suit, with pink shawl collar. He looks great! He introduces the clip for "Ray." Prince praises Jamie Foxx, and Jamie Foxx beams at Prince. The clip makes the film look like much more fun than I think of biopics as being. The next award is Best Director. We're up to Director?! Now, it's exciting. It goes to Clint Eastwood! We see a closeup of Scorsese clapping. Well, I wish Scorsese could get awards, but Eastwood rules. A standing O for Eastwood. Eastwood is modest. He gives thanks for the tsunami relief spot and then just thanks a lot of people and then says "bye." Out comes Diane Keaton in a fitted gray jacket, a white high-collared shirt, and a long tutu-y black skirt. She gives the Best Actor, musical/comedy award. "What happened to him?" is my reaction to Kevin Kline. Keaton: "Okay, okay, all right, all right, Jamie Foxx!!!!" Okay! Paul Giamatti is clapping. Closeup of Meryl Streep, emitting joy. Foxx leads the audience in that "Uh uh, oh oh" Ray Charles song. He wants to take what he's feeling and put it in the water so we can all drink it and we would all love each other. He thanks "a Caucasian man" for "taking a chance" on a black actor. Foxx is very charming! He plays the occasion to the hilt and makes it seem as if no one else all night has even been trying. Everyone is going wild for the bursting-out spirit of Foxx who is having his day. He ends by thanking his grandmother and choking back tears: "I used to think it was corny when people would say they feel someone was looking down on them. But I got a feeling."

11. What is this crap? Some special award for Robin Williams. I hate when these awards shows grind to a halt over a special award. He's kind and thoughtful with everyone. He loves his children. He goes to Iraq. He's a wonderful man. There's a big montage, and Robin mouths "whoa." He hugs Jim Carrey on the way to the stage. "My English is not so good," he begins. He rambles. He imitates Schwarzenegger. He offers his wife Marcia a "wife-time achievement award." He says his personal assistant brings him down to earth by calling him "Mork guy." He dedicates his award to Christopher Reeve and addresses him with the Hamlet send off may " flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." Commercial break!

12. Best Actor, drama, is next. It's Leonardo Dicaprio! Oh! Wow! He places his hand on his heart as he walks up. Closeup of Kate Winslet (his co-star from way back when). He thanks those who wrote the "intricate" script. After "growing up in this business," he says, the "pinnacle" has been to work with "the great Martin Scorsese." And he wants to use the occasion to urge people to keep contributing to tsunami disaster relief. He seems like a nice person, not reveling in the occasion. He took the complete opposite of the Jamie Foxx approach. He's gotten a lot of attention in his life and doesn't seem to need any more. Just see me as an actor, privileged to work with good people, blessed to exist in the light of the truly great Scorsese, and thanks.

13. Best TV Series, musical/comedy. "Desperate Housewives"! It must be good. It beat "Sex and the City." They called it a "satire" and couldn't sell it, so they called it a "soap opera" and it sold. The award-acceptor guy thanks his mom for supporting him and for giving him the idea for the show. "Is he calling his mother a slut?" Dustin Hoffman comes out to give the Actress, Drama award. High tension! Hillary Swank. I say, "She's gonna get it." Uma Thurman. I say, "I want her." And it's Hillary Swank. She's wearing a brown satin dress and a long brown ponytail. I'm glad for her. She didn't get the great roles after "Boys Don't Cry," and when she finally got another great role, she was great again. To Clint: "I don't want to ruin your go ahead and make my day image, but you have a great heart." She makes a joke of pretending to forget to thank her husband again, as she did when she won the Oscar.

14. Best Picture, Musical/Comedy. Goldie Hawn announces. It's "Sideways"! Next, it's Nicole Kidman, giving the award for Best Picture, Drama. It goes to "The Aviator." Reaction from me: "Oooooh!" Finally, Scorsese rises up out of his chair and ascends to the stage. Chris: "He's so short!" Scorsese stands on stage, listening to the producers' speeches. He's choking back tears. Aw! Nicole thanks us all for watching "and … good night!"

15. Chris summarizes: "It's interesting that Clint Eastwood got Director and "The Aviator" got picture. It's kind of a three way race for the Oscar now." The third movie is "Sideways," which won the Best Picture, Comedy award tonight.

UPDATE: Here's Virginia Heffernan's report on the pre-show doings, including this pearl:

[Joan Rivers] seemed angrier still when her interview with Mr. Nichols and Ms. Sawyer was interrupted by the actor Will Farrell. Mr. Farrell had some pretext for crashing the interview, and the couple seemed happy to see him. But Ms. Rivers appeared to take him for another reporter, or a hanger-on nobody. Sounding as if she believed her microphone was off, she snapped at him, "I have two big names here, so could you just wait?"

I'm enough of a Joan Rivers fan that I watched that wanting to believe she was doing a little humor routine, but it was awfully awkward, and Joan has a reputation for not recognizing people. Oh, but that's part of the fun. Joan's screw ups.

Here's the AP report on Mick Jagger at the Globes, reminding me of what had just barely dawned on me: Dave Stewart is the guy from the Eurhythmics. Someone asked Jagger how he maintained his "youthful appearance." Of course, he's a wizened old geezer, as noted above. He doesn't look young, he looks cool. Old and cool. Is that an idea that can register? Dammit!