"J-Lo, can you scoot over a little bit?"

Telling Jennifer Lopez to move her sublime ass?

There really is only room for one female on the "American Idol" panel. Whenever they've squeezed in a second, they've wrecked the dynamic. Sorry to deal in stereotypes here, but the way the judges' panel has been structured since the first season, there's a woman, in the middle, performing a stereotypical female role. Paula Abdul pioneered this role, empathizing with everyone, speaking from the heart, and squealing special love for the boys. Paula got ousted, and other females had there time in the middle seat, but now they've got Jennifer, and Jennifer has far outstripped Paula. And I love Paula, but Jennifer is the queen.

She was low-key in her response to Nicki Minaj: "I don't know if there's enough room for both of us." A demure reference to her most famous body part, and a fully justified expression of intention to keep it firmly planted in the center seat.

"American Idol" will never find a true replacement for Paula.

Ellen is out. She was nice, but she didn't know much about music and preserving her reputation for niceness (and comedy) trumped any dedication to judging the contestants. Now, there's talk of bringing in Jennifer Lopez. Does Lopez bring niceness to the judge's table? She may have Paula-level musical expertise... but will she project the love and the crazy that Paula gave us? No, they will never find another Paula, though they may one day understand how subtly perfect she was for their impossibly popular little TV talent contest.

"Will the Twitterverse switch their avatars from a Iran-protest green to a sparkly rainbows for Paula?"

"You can't get rid of Paula. She is the slurred voice of the Vicodin riddled masses!"

"Get me out of here. This is crazy. This is not funny, this is discrimination. This is abusive stuff going on here."

Paula Abdul stands up to Bruno.

The Poetry of...

... Paula Abdul.

"You mean they put you in peril because they thought it would be fun?"

Barbara Walters asks Paula Abdul, after Abdul reveals that she told the "American Idol" producers that Paula Goodspeed had been stalking her for 17 years and the producers -- in spite or because of that -- put Goodspeed through as a contestant. Last month, Goodspeed killed herself near Abdul's home.

David Letterman -- who also had a stalker who killed herself -- tells Abdul to sue: "This could be the biggest lawsuit in the history of television. Sue these baboons!"

(Paula looks so tiny sitting next to Dave, and she's so bundled up in layers of clothing, including a military-style jacket with rows of brass buttons. The picture of vulnerability.)

Former AI producer Nigel Lythgoe defends the show -- and it's a difficult defense, because it's not in the show's interest to call Abdul a liar:

"[Goodspeed] had been through an audition process with the producers, an audition process with the executive producers, and we were wheeling her in as a huge fan of Paula Abdul," Lythgoe said. "This is what we knew: She was a great fan, she was a lovely girl. And a great fan of Paula."

Lythgoe said doesn't remember Abdul's request to have Goodspeed removed. "This is three years ago," he said. "I honestly say I can't remember the conversation. If Paula said, that's what she said, I believe her."

Lythgoe added: "We've seen over 700,000 contestants. And one has made a terrible, terrible mistake. If you're an odds man, they are great odds."...

"I'm not angry with Paula," he said. "I think Paula's in a position of: 'It wasn't my fault,' and reaching out from that point of view. For her family's sake, it should really be dropped."

Chances of a lawsuit? I'm going to say very low.

"A 'fashion genius' ... does ghastly drawings of Paula Abdul and turns out to be named Paula: Paula Goodspeed."

I wrote that back in February 2006. Noting that she had "teeth so huge a massive set of braces cannot begin to tame them," I said, "She sings terribly, but it's not enough just to tell her that. Simon has to say: 'I don't think any artist on earth could sing with that much metal in your mouth anyway. You have so much metal in your mouth.'"

I'm rereading that after observing that I had some significant traffic today to that post on a search for the name Paula Goodspeed. I plug the name into a news search and see this in the L.A. Times:

Tonight on "Inside Edition," you can visit the scene outside Paula Abdul’s home in Sherman Oaks, Calif., where a young fan may have committed suicide.

Paula Goodspeed was a self-described fan of the “American Idol” judge. There is no known reason why she would have committed suicide outside Abdul’s home, other than to be close at the end of her life to her apparent idol. Or to have her name forever linked with Abdul's.

Goodspeed’s body was found inside her car, which was decorated with a photo of Abdul hanging from the rear-view mirror. Her personalized license plate reads “ABL LV,” which has been said to stand for Abdul Love.

"Ms. Goodspeed's mother had gone to [the sheriff's department] to report her daughter missing and advised them that she might be suicidal," Los Angeles Police Capt. James Miller tells People. Officials "determined that Ms. Goodspeed may be up in the vicinity by Paula Abdul's house. Our officers discovered her vehicle parked on the street and found her inside. She was unresponsive to officers."

Authorities say her death may have been due to drug overdose, but tests still have to be performed.

Turns out Goodspeed auditioned for “American Idol” in 2005 and admitted a lifelong fascination with Abdul.

“I really like Paula Abdul a lot. She’s really cool. ... I’m like a really big fan and I make life-size drawings of Paula. I’ve been drawing ever since I was a little kid, and my first drawing was of Paula Abdul.”

Here's the old video:



It was fun back then to laugh at those drawings (and the delusional singing), but it's sobering now. I have to think that "American Idol" screens out numerous would-be contestants who are even more obviously disturbed. Perhaps some of them get the help they need. But Paula Goodspeed made the cut and entertained us for a few minutes back then. And now, we see how serious the ridiculous really was.

Above the Law Idol — and I'll be a judge.

Here's the explanation. And here's a comment I completely predicted when David asked me to be a judge:

Althouse = Paula Abdul.
No contest.
Drunk and batshit crazy.

Here's where you're wrong, oh, predictable "guest" commenter. Paula is on the "American Idol" panel to love and support the kids and cushion them from Simon's meannesss. I will not be performing that function. You need to think a lot harder— and identify yourself with a real name so I can come over there and kick your ass. You took a comment cliché and did nothing even to attempt to make it your own.

And Dahlia Lithwick wants to be the Paula, anyway.

Here's the post about the Pennsylvania primary.

1. Turnout is very high, unsurprisingly. Isn't this fun?

2. There's a lot of jockeying over a number: The percentage points by which Hillary must win to justify the continuation of her campaign. Is it 10? Is it 5? Let's set the number in advance. Or do you think she should just go on until all the primaries are over, now that she's come this far?

3. The polls close and CNN pronounces the race "very competitive." They can't call it. That seems bad for Hillary... but I don't trust CNN. If they declared her the winner, the audience would abscond.

4. Wolf Blitzer at 8:00: "We cannot project a winner based on the exit polls alone. We're going to have to wait and see hard numbers coming up." Hmmm. So they have their exit polls, but they want to coordinate with the news of the actual ballot counts. What does that mean ... other than CNN wants you to watch CNN?

5. CNN predicts Hillary is the winner. Wolf offers no numbers, but Drudge is showing CLINTON 53%/OBAMA 47%. But maybe you're watching Andrew Lloyd Weber night on "American Idol."

6. "Um." Long, long pause. "You must never start to stop. Having said that, this is the biggest show and biggest platform that, no matter what, you're strong enough, and you're great enough... to pick up the pieces." Wolf Blitzer to Hillary Clinton. No! Paula Abdul to Brooke White.

7. David Gergen on what the superdelegates are thinking: "This is not just a question of who can win in the fall. They have to also make sure they held their party together. If at the end of this, the math is against her, she winds up with fewer delegates, fewer votes, and fewer states, if they turn it over to her, they run the very real risk they will drive African Americans out of the party for a generation. And they will drive away young voters. There're some things worse than losing an election in trying to build a party."

8. Hillary Clinton does her victory speech: Obama has more money! Give me money!

9. Obama speaks. He's in Indiana, and he thanks John Mellencamp and "his beautiful wife" for driving to Evansville from (I think) Bloomington. Very Indiana-y. He seems to be giving his stump speech. Or maybe I'm just tired.... Good night, everybody.

10. (Written the morning after.) You've got the comments up beyond 200, which means you can't see the newest comments unless you click on "post a comment" and then "newer" or "newest," so why not move on to the post I just put up.

"You've made me feel very uncomfortable, because I now feel that you're all broken birds."

Said Simon Cowell to Carly Smithson after she explained why the lyrics of the Beatles' "Blackbird" — "take these broken wings and learn to fly" — seemed to her to apply to her efforts to make it in the music industry. Well, we all have our interpretations. Hers may be dumb, but would that Charles Manson had viewed it as such blandly reassuring fare. But the reason I'm posting about this segment of tonight's "American Idol" is that when Simon was saying that he was pinching and twisting his own nipples and making a crazy orgasm face. Here's the best TiVo frame of Simon's moment with his body:



Look, you can see that Paula Abdul is all what the hell are you doing!



Sorry for the graininess... and horrifying grossness.

How did Paula Abdul break her nose?

Bzzzzt. Wrong. She was stepping over a Chihuahua.

''I took a nasty fall ... trying not to hurt my dog. I bruised myself on my arm ... my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip."

My little chubby Tulip. You might think that sounds really cute or you may think that sounds really dirty. That says more about you than about our girl Paula.

Hey, the big show's tonight. You know you're watching. Paula and her nose will be there.

If you like Blake more than Jordin -- as I do -- should you want Blake to win or Jordin? I kind of think Jordin.

"American Idol" -- Gwen Stefani phones in.

That was an amazingly weak "American Idol." Gwen Stefani was the lamest celebrity mentor they've ever had on the show. For a while, I had the theory that she's just an idiot, but I think what it was was that she wouldn't put any time into the show. So they had fake shots with her and each contestant, and we never saw any interaction. Then we saw separate shots were her saying a little something about each one. I'm going to assume she showed up for about an hour, stood by the piano while each contestant came in and stood next to her to make it look like they had a master class type thing together, then she sat in a chair and read a scripted line about each one. And then the songs -- her songs plus songs that "inspired" her. They weren't much. "Every Breath You Take" -- that was good, and Phil Stacey was kind of okay singing it. The rest: a blur. I think LaKisha was okay. What was all that other stuff? Blah!

Wait! Two more things surfaced in my jumble of vague memories. Paula Abdul had newly, obviously collagened lips. And Sanjay Malakar had this crazy thing done to his hair: a line of pony tails across the midline of his head, sticking straight up in a pseudo-Mohawk. [ADDED, for Googlers: faux-hawk, fauxhawk, pony-hawk.]

What am I missing? Ugh! That was dreadful.

"American Idol" -- Austin.

1. A Trini Lopez wannabe: "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to wheat" [sic].

2. A "fashion genius" with teeth so huge a massive set of braces cannot begin to tame them, who does ghastly drawings of Paula Abdul and turns out to be named Paula: Paula Goodspeed. She sings terribly, but it's not enough just to tell her that. Simon has to say: "I don't think any artist on earth could sing with that much metal in your mouth anyway. You have so much metal in your mouth."

3. Lots of horrible singers.

4. Jason Horn, a funeral director, who hopes to use "American Idol" to teach the world that funeral directors are ordinary people. He's good!

5. Cierra Johnson. She's pretty, really pretty ... and her black hair looks kind of purple. She sings "O Holy Night." Simon: "Awful... I'm really surprised. For whatever reason, I thought you were going to be really good. It was terrible." Well, we all know the reason. She's really pretty. It's hope. The enduring hope that outward beauty has something to do with other aspects of a person.

6. Ricky Hayes. "There's nothing else for me. This is what I'm meant to do." That's the attitude of so many delusionals. He says he's a music student. He starts to sing, and it makes me cry. I think I'm just relieved that the nice young man is actually good.

7. Ashley Jackson. She's pretty. She's a fit model (a model they fit clothes on). She's not that good but she can sing the national anthem with her mouth closed. And she is really pretty. The votes of the two male judges put her through.

8. Ronnie Norman. RJ. He's presented as a ridiculously smarmy ladies' man. He sings a truly beautiful song, "Ain't No Sunshine." He does well enough to get through.

9. A very fresh-faced 16-year-old guy sings in an affected way, but they have a heart and put him through.

10. A very delusional 17-year-old woman is treated rather badly by the camera which keeps panning from knee level up across her tight red pants. Simon does an extended routine about stuffing potatoes into a sack. Yes, we get it. She's chubby. It's because she acts like a jerk about being told the truth that they feel free to treat her like that.

That's it for Scott Savol.

And now, no more talk about whether the "vote for the worst" thing had caught on. (The "vote for the worst" website no longer exists.) A boring episode of "American Idol," whittling us down to four, with the sexes now evenly balanced at last. I'm glad Little Anthony didn't get cut. It was his birthday, and he is the youngest.

UPDATE: And yes, I watched the dreadful ABC "Fallen Idol" special about what they call Cragglegate over on Television Without Pity. The stupid thing about Corey Clark's charges about having an affair with Paula Abdul is that even if it's true, it doesn't make us like him. He's choosing to go public, clearly, to serve his own interests. He's trying to promote a new record, but he only gets publicity that makes us see him as a big creep. I think he wanted to be the sensitive boy, the victim with a broken heart, but no one is going to see him that way.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Poor Craggle! He didn't know ABC would stretch out his material for the entire hour and make the show all about him. He may have expected them to do what would have made sense to do: take a few short clips for use in a documentaryy that delved into many different problems with the show. The fact that ABC used this weak material for the whole hour seems to indicate that they couldn't dredge anything else up. The most persuasive evidence, by the way, was the cellphone Abdul seems to have acquired for Corey to talk with her and the phone records that supposedly showed calls between the two. But I don't trust TV news magazine shows when they wave documents about. Unless they get an outside expert -- someone with no interest in the network -- to verify the documents, I'm going to assume they are fake.

One thing about Clark is that he was summarily booted off the show when the producers found out about an arrest that he hadn't revealed. If Paula was really using her power to promote him, why didn't he get a pass about that little thing? One theory I thought of is that the show's producers knew she'd fallen in love with a contestant and had gone off the deep end, doing things that undermined the show, and they ousted Clark to cure the problem. But who knows? If anything happened, it's at least an error of the heart, a woman falling in love and doing foolish things like telling Corey he should sing "Foolish Heart" (which really was his shining moment). This was not the case of a powerful person using that power to make a deal to get sex from an ambitious young person who yields up his/her body to gain advancement.

There's more in the comments, including this, from me:

AI is best for its crazy inappropriateness. It goes without saying that I think Paula must stay. She's our girl! Paula, forever! There's no AI without Paula.

The idea that one jackass claiming to have sex with her could bring her down! First, fire all the male reality show and quiz show stars who have slept with contestants.

ABC vs. "American Idol."

Drudge is reporting that ABC is going to run an exposé revealing how Paula Abdul is somehow "cheating" on "American Idol" by picking favorites and "nurturing" them. Losing contestants will whine out the info. That Paula loves some of the contestants more than others? Not news. Anyone watching the show can see that on full display. Hearing the complaints of the sorest losers? That's only going to provide more fun for "American Idol" fans. "American Idol" is often at its best in the early shows of the season, when they go on location and reject nearly everybody. They select the most expressive losers and entertain us with their free-swinging charges. ABC doesn't seem to understand the charm of pop-trash TV. ABC is an idiot.

"Best Performance by an Inanimate Object."

That's my favorite category in the voting for the 2004 Tubey Awards at Television Without Pity. Among the many nominees are:

Drywall, The Apprentice

Janet Jackson's Boob, Superbowl

Paula's Finger Bandage, American Idol

Thing Made out of Stuff, Joan of Arcadia

I voted for "Thing made out of stuff."