June 5, 2023
"All of the therapists interviewed for this story noted that no matter how loving parents may be, they can complicate sibling bonds."
"Dr. Greif said it can help to ask yourself: 'Am I being "triangulated" with my sibling and my mother or father?' By which he means: Have you fallen into a pattern of communication with your parent or parents that is shaping how you feel about your sibling, even if that is not anyone’s intention?
To avoid that kind of interference, the experts said you can establish a simple ground rule: When you speak to your parents or spend time with them, you will not talk about your siblings — particularly if the conversation takes the form of gossip.
You might also want to explore whether perceived parental favoritism is affecting your relationship with a sibling. Survey data suggests 40 percent of Americans feel like their parents had a favorite child, and studies have shown it can be a roadblock to sibling closeness.
'In the research, favoritism from parents is one of the biggest influences on how that sibling relationship is going to function, especially in childhood,' Ms. Goodman said. 'That’s the most finite resource, right? A parent’s attention. And siblings can absolutely carry that into adulthood.'"
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I understand the concept, but this "When you speak to your parents or spend time with them, you will not talk about your siblings" is stupid and talks to the wrong audience. The parents should be the adults avoiding the discussion and suggestion of favoritism, if anyone. This seems to be written as if the sibling is already a victim of the conversation with parents, and they need to plead with the parents to stop. That's a bit late to fix the psychological problems.
I'll add to this some general advice I have become to rely on over time. When in the presence of someone, avoid talking unnecessarily about other people not present. Setting aside all the manners and ethics towards those not present; the conversation should be about the people present. Be "in the moment" as some might suggest. It will make your relationship with the people present much better and avoids fallout from those not present.
I'm one of three children, all boys: myself and a (fraternal) twin, and a younger brother only 21 months younger than we. My parents are both now deceased, and I never did know and still cannot say if either of them ever had a favorite among us.
More blah, blah, blah psychological nonsense.
It was like this for my brother, sister and I. Our mother was a basket case. She worked tirelessly to split us apart, telling lies over the course of several years in an effort to prevent the united front that would eventually compel her to get help. She finally crossed a line about our brother, who's gay, with a story so preposterous it was offensive.
Her lifestyle and neediness required her to manipulate us. We put our foot down 10 years ago and it was life changing.
I had three brothers. The oldest lived too long (and was always a detriment), my younger one didn't live long enough (we were the most alike), and the youngest is a good guy with whom I share very few interests.
One of the things that amused me about Tucker was his insistence that one always stands with one's brothers. Makes me doubt that he has any--he certainly didn't know our oldest!
Divest from diversity, from color judgments, from class-based bigotry. Judge a sibling by her character: individual dignity, individual conscience, intrinsic value.
I have five sons, and was aware from the beginning that they would know us for fifty years, but each other for eighty years. We have devoted intentional energy into those five keeping together, and it has paid off. I look at their texting, Zoom calls, and vacation plans and see it as one of the great victories of our marriage. We'll be gone. They'll be fine.
I am the only girl in a family of 4 children. My brothers are my best friends. We keep in touch often, even though only 2 of them live near each other. I wish we all lived closer...but life!!
My Mother recently moved in with me, as I am home and able to care for her. My brothers are thankful, and often let me know that they will come stay with her, when I need a break or vacation. And I know they will. SHE brought all of us up alone, sometimes working 3 jobs. We never felt poor.
It's because of HER work ethic, that I am the conservative I am today. She cried when she used food stamps...ONCE...and never used them again.
My taking care of her, is what she deserves. She is NOT ready for a nursing home, and she can't live alone.
"More blah, blah, blah psychological nonsense."
Dr. Ben Casey displays a healer's proper well of empathy!
"the conversation should be about the people present. Be "in the moment"
Hear hear! To my parent friends: don't talk about the kids. They're young, they'll be fine. I want to hear about YOU!
"Dr. Ben Casey displays a healer's proper well of empathy!"
Mike is a surgeon. He don't need no stinkin "empathy."
Blogger Robert Cook said...
"More blah, blah, blah psychological nonsense."
Dr. Ben Casey displays a healer's proper well of empathy!
Cook probably still believes that psychoanalysis is a good therapeutic method.
Go for it, Cook ! It probably wouldn't hurt you as you are probably beyond help.
According to this computer, Tucker has a younger brother; they were abandoned at a young age by their birth mother, and then his dad married money.
My wife has one older half-brother and two full ones, and had a younger one who was born with a bad heart and only lived to 31. He was, for a time, the youngest person ever to receive open heart surgery, famous in the medical literature.
In a rational world, my older brother--G&C Eagle Scout, bearer of a respected name, beneficiary of the longest time with two parents--would have been our mother's (and his younger brothers') greatest help. Instead he was her greatest burden, and an embarrassment to the whole extended family. Sad.
My family has a definite hierarchy. We respect e/other, but I wouldn’t say we were close. We’re tight, though. We each have our own relationship w/our Mom. She’s 91& has loser lips, now. I have never cared to focus on my parents relationships w/my siblings. It was never my business. I concentrate on my interactions and am forever grateful for the help when my kids were young and the above and beyond gift of time and help w/home improvement projects.
As for my kids- I’m sure they have their ideas. I don’t want to know how they think I’ve been a monster mom and wrecked them, somehow. They’re closer than I ever was w/my siblings. The glue is the boy. The boy(30) is the favorite for all of us.
Girls are hard.
With 4 boys and 1 girl of course my sister was my dad's favorite. I did not perceive my mom having a favorite, but my sister's second husband definitely hwr least favorite inlaw. And she was the main source of family news while alive so that prescription a non-starter.
"Mike is a surgeon. He don't need no stinkin 'empathy.'"
You're right; he's got the butcher's outlook!
I can't imagine not getting along with my siblings or blaming my mom if we didn't. Our family group chat is one of my favorite things.
I can't imagine not getting along with my siblings or blaming my mom if we didn't. Our family group chat is one of my favorite things.
Needless to say, my wife had her father at her feet. She and her mother were never that close, really, and when the youngest boy came along (surprise!) he was the focus of everyone's concern.
My MIL used her daughter to help cook and clean for the men, and IMO resented even her modest ambitions.
Basically this is about setting healthy boundaries.
I’ve been thinking about that general topic in family dynamics a lot as I spent the last weekend with my elderly mom who has early stage dementia. She’s never been easy and never had a great relationship with my kids because of distance (geographical and emotional) and her difficult temperament. My siblings and I have gotten used to our mother having a rotating grudge against one of us….some perceived slight will cause her to spend months to years giving one of us the cold shoulder and smack talking about that person to the other two.
I’ve always put up with it and tried to reconcile my emotional response to her behavior by understanding how much worse her own childhood was. Mostly my siblings seem to feel the same way so we joke about whose “turn” it is and we tune her out and try to change the subject when she talks disparagingly about one of the others.
This weekend I brought my kids (2 of them are young adults and the 3rd is a teen) to see her and talked pretty frankly with them about the situation. The fact is that people are all imperfect and some are damaged enough that they can’t give you what you want or need from them. There are extreme cases when this means there should be a cutting off of a relationship, but many other times there’s an opportunity to learn how to show grace and continue a relationship even if it needs to be at arm’s length.
I may tend to err on the side of the latter but I know that when my Mom passes on I’ll feel that we all loved her as well as we could and that in her way she did the same.
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