"Instead, try to say 'no' or voice your opinion in situations with lower stakes, and observe the results. 'We tend to, in our heads, build up these huge fears about what’s going to happen'.... By finding small ways to change how you would typically behave, perhaps you’ll see that 'you can have a disagreement with somebody or you can express your opinion and they don’t run away'...."
From "How to know if you’re a people-pleaser and what to do about it" (WaPo).
I found that interesting even though the problem under discussion is just about exactly the opposite of mine. My instinct is always to say no. I have to experiment with not saying no. If I'm worrying about "what's going to happen," it's going to be what's going to happen if I say yes. The demands will never cease! I want my freedom. I want my time.
पोस्ट्स
२७ टिप्पण्या:
Just don’t say no to checking yourself for lesions.
start with no : !change my mind?
Do improv. It’s all about saying Yes.
Meade...poor bastard.
After “mama” and “dada,” “no” is the word babies learn first. It’s a powerful word that doesn’t get enough respect. Hence language had to evolve to “fuck no.”
Yeah, but if others know you really are a people pleaser, they will just start rephrasing their questions or proposals so that no means yes.
"70. Know how to say "no." You can't grant everything to everybody. Saying "no" is as important as granting things, especially among those in command. What matters is the way you do it. Some people's "no" is prized more highly than the "yes" of others: a gilded "no" pleases more than a curt "yes." Many people have "no" on their lips, and they sour everything. "No" is what occurs to them first. They may give in later, but they aren't well thought of because they started out by being so unpleasant. Refusal would come in one fell blow. Let people nibble on their disappointment little by little. Never refuse something completely: others would no longer depend on you. There should always be some last remnants of hope to sweeten the bitterness of refusal. Let courtesy occupy the void where favor once stood, and good words compensate for a lack of action. "No" and "yes" are short words requiring long thought."
Baltasar Gracian, S.J.
I so agree with your statement “I need my time.” So much of my life someone was trying to rob me of my time. The valuing of Time is the mark of a conservative. Progressives rob you of that more than anything else. Liberals push for a corporate world. They despise the individual. They are aren’t merely time bandits; they’re time tyrants.
Ann, you’re a conservative.
@Meade: “ After “mama” and “dada,” “no” is the word babies learn first. It’s a powerful word that doesn’t get enough respect.”
The first nonverbal babies learn is the No head shake. It begins in the high chair as the tyke rotates back and forth to avoid the forced spoon.
The Bible is divided into two “testaments.” The first is a giant No. the second a Yes. The moral is, Yes comes after you’ve learned how to say No.
Liberate yourselves: Just Say Yes to No.
I am Nancy Reagan and I approve this message.
True story. When my dyslexic ADHD grandson was one year old, the wife and I were babysitting, he would walk around the apartment pointing to every object and say No! emphatically over and over again.
The world never changes, little boys like to fuck with everything.
Yoko Ono, who claimed at the time to be unfamiliar with The Beatles, captured John's imagination with her "art piece" in which one was instructed to climb a ladder and look through a spyglass, which revealed simply the word "Yes."
If only John had learned to say "no."
Howard said...
"True story. When my dyslexic ADHD grandson was one year old, the wife and I were babysitting, he would walk around the apartment pointing to every object and say No! emphatically over and over again.
The world never changes, little boys like to fuck with everything."
He was dyslexic; perhaps he was just trying to tell you "ON!"
The original NO in our history was said in April 1775 at a bridge outside of Concord Massachusetts. And after 8 years of enduring a slaughter at the hands of the British Empire mercenaries the men saying that no insisted on having a Second Amendment in the Constitution so that word would still be available today. That amendment and trial by Jury kept us a great nation.
My mother's mother's family had a trait they called being "contrary" - just automatically saying no to anything. When my brother and I were children and being non-compliant, my dad would always say to my mom, with amusement, "There's that Strother contrariness!"
I do tend to be a people pleaser...yet my first impulse when asked to participate in anything is to say "No." I have to soften it and say, "Well, I'm not sure...I'll think about it."
"I so agree with your statement 'I need my time.' So much of my life someone was trying to rob me of my time. The valuing of Time is the mark of a conservative. Progressives rob you of that more than anything else. Liberals push for a corporate world. They despise the individual. They are aren’t merely time bandits; they’re time tyrants."
Okay...we get that you hate "liberals," (however you define that now almost meaningless term), but don't blurt a mush of fantastical praise (conservatives) and complaints (liberals) and assume it makes any sense.
Partner 1: "Do you want to go down to the gay sex party after the Pride Parade tonight?"
Partner 2: Errrrrrr.....ummmmmmm....ahhhhhhh.......
Partner 1: I'll take that as a yes.
I was raised as a people-pleasing middle child, but had a stubborn streak that made 'no' easy in some things.
The first advice I gave to young new colleagues was, learn to say no. You will be asked to collaborate on other people's brainchildren and should be really choosy about them--especially Tom's, and Ross's.
I've had to deliver some firm No's to importunate women at work and conventions. Usually that's easy (they're mostly librarians, after all), in a few cases, hard to do.
The answer in "No". Who wants a lawyer who can't say "No"?
Was my daily affirmation as a beginning retail lawyer.
I am definitely not a people pleaser. I have no problem saying "no" when it is the right decision.
Good point, bob. He would frequently point at lamps and say No
Don't say "no", but as an appeaser, take a knee, beg, good girl.
Was my daily affirmation as a beginning retail lawyer.
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what does that mean? as opposed to wholesale lawyer?
or big law vs small law
No. Done. 😂. I ignore most the lgbtxyz crap folks are foisting on us and insisting we must say yes. Bull. Leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone. Folks have lost the ability to do that. I’ll never buy that ticket. Or that card. Leave me and my guy alone, you do you. No evidence, but intuition leans toward “that’s fine.” People especially amongst some of the younger cohort got too many participation ribbons or trophies and never learned coping skills. Pshhh.
Doing business in Japan, it was explained to me that saying "No" directly was considered rude. So one had to suck air in through clenched teeth, twisting one's head as if in pain, before saying something like, "The negative outcome of performing such a request seems potentially large to me, so with your kind agreement, I would like to take this to my manager for his consideration before implementation." That sort of formulaic "No" would result in no embarrassment for anyone, and later my manager could tell me to tell the requestor, "Thank you, but we choose to maintain our present procedures at this time. We will keep note of your suggestions for improvement in case they are useful at a later date."
I learned to Americanize this back in the States, by using such phrases as, "Please put that action item in writing so I'm sure I understand it," or even better, "I can only do that if you are with me, as I predict your immediate input will be necessary when you see the results." If those didn't work, I'd revert to "Not just no, but HELL NO."
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