"The Supreme Court ruling tells every gay fifteen-year-old living out in the middle of nowhere that he or she is as good as any other dope who wants to get married."

"To me it was a slightly mixed message, like saying we’re all equally entitled to wear Dockers to the Olive Garden. Then I spoke to my accountant, who’s as straight as they come, and he couldn’t have been more excited. 'For tax purposes, you and Hugh really need to act on this,' he said. 'But I don’t want to,' I said. 'I don’t believe in marriage.'"

In the new issue of The New Yorker — subscription required — David Sedaris takes on same-sex marriage: "A Modest Proposal/Just when you thought you’d never get married."