Kerry on Letterman.

Kerry cranked out a dismal performance on David Letterman's show last night. He alternated between rerunning lines from his stump speech and plodding through scripted jokes. Unlike Nixon on "Laugh-In" and other candidates who've used pop culture shows successfully, Kerry did not use self-deprecating jokes. He attacked Bush and Cheney and used "Halliburton" as a punchline.

Read the abysmal "Top Ten" list written for him to recite, which he did without saying "Number 10 ... Number 9" in the Letterman way, proving that he does not know the show and thus severely limiting the goodwill he might have picked up through association with Dave. The items on the list are nearly all grousing about Bush and Bush people. The only references to Kerry were indirect (#7 referred to his "lustrous, finely groomed hair" and #4 referred to his wife's wealth). Most awkwardly, he caught himself beginning to pontificate about September 11th with a statement to David Letterman telling him to remember how people felt at that time. He then realized that the man sitting next to him had played a prominent role expressing the feelings people had at that time, so he switched to fawning over Letterman. Letterman had a pained wide smile on his face.

I'd love to know what Letterman really thinks of candidates using his show. Is he just wondering if this is good for ratings (because it's such a big deal) or bad for ratings (because the candidate is droning and turning the show into a campaign ad)? Or does he really sympathize with the candidate, who ought to be able to run for office without the indignity of appearing on a late night comedy show and pretending (badly) to be campanionable and funny?

UPDATE: If you'd like to see a good--and self-deprecating--Top 10 list read by a candidate, check out "Top Ten Ways I, Howard Dean, Can Turn Things Around." Number 1 was "Oh, I don't know -- maybe fewer crazy, redfaced rants." Dean read it really well too. Ah ... Dean nostalgia ... How many people have Dean nostalgia?

ANOTHER UPDATE: Here's how the New Republic summed up the Kerry performance on Letterman: "a long and meandering trip through Hideous Remains of Stump Speech Lane."