"The 'Performance of Her Career' Is Now an Academy Award Winner." So reads the new, post-Oscars ad for Cold Mountain, which features a photo of Renée Zellweger in her ceremonial swaddling clothes, clutching the little statue. I was going to criticize the writing: in trying to use that quote, "performance of her career," they ended up having the wrong subject to the sentence, "performance" instead of "Renée Zellweger."

But the award really is for "Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role." Sean Penn had the line in his thank you speech, "There are no best actors." But there are no Best Actor Oscars. That's just shorthand. The Oscar he held in his hands was for Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading role. So to be accurate, the actors ought to say:

"I'm happy to accept this award on behalf of my performance, which is unable to be here tonight and in any event, incapable of holding a statuette."

Hmm... did you know that last year, when Renée Zellweger lost the Oscar... I mean, when her performance lost the Oscar .... she went home early, climbed in through the window, gave her dog a bath, and spent the night scrubbing the floor. Sounds like something Joan Crawford would do.

Oh, and the dog's name is Dylan, so presumably, it's black, it's a pedantic mongrel, it's got his bone in the alley, it licks her face when she sleeps, it's collar's from India, it means more to her than a dead lion, and it's barking and running free.