"A startup called Sperm Racing, run by four teenage entrepreneurs from the US, said it had raised $1.5 million to stage the event at the Hollywood Palladium..."

"... on April 25. Eric Zhu, the company’s 17-year-old co-founder, said the inaugural event would pit samples taken from two healthy young university students against each other on a racetrack 20cm (8in) long and modelled on the female reproductive system.... 'We want to turn health into competition,' Zhu said. 'Sperm is surprising as a biomarker. The healthier you are, the faster sperm moves.'... A live video feed, magnified 40 times to display the 0.05mm spermatozoa, will track the samples’ progress....The event will be run over three races in front of a crowd of 4,000 spectators, and feature play-by-play commentary, instant replays and leaderboards, according to Zhu.

I'm reading "What to expect from ‘world’s first competitive sperm race’/A fertility startup raised $1.5 million to stage the event at the Hollywood Palladium this month" (London Times).

With the sperm expected to swim at a speed of 5mm per minute, each race will take something like 40 minutes. There are 3 races... and room for 4,000 spectators. Interesting concept, and congratulations to the teenagers for getting $1.5 million and an article in the London Times, but I think success here depends on the quality of the play-by-play commentators.

For the annals of Things I Asked Grok: "What is the key to doing good play-by-play commentary for a long race, say 40 minutes?" The 10-point answer — which presumed human runners — is mildly amusing if you think about sperm — e.g., "4. Storytelling: Craft narratives around racers’ strategies, struggles, or comebacks to keep the audience invested. Reference earlier moments to build continuity."

UPDATE: I revealed what I had withheld and Grok gave me a serious answer. Here's how it revised point #4:

Storytelling with Humor and Purpose: Lean into the event’s quirky appeal to keep the crowd entertained—joke about the “world’s smallest racetrack” or the “tiniest athletes.” Create narratives around the samples (e.g., “Team USC is making a bold push, but UCLA’s not giving up!”). Balance humor with the event’s mission: mention declining male fertility (e.g., “Sperm motility’s key to conception, and lifestyle changes like quitting smoking can boost it”). This keeps the tone fun yet meaningful....

AND: Anyone who really knows me knows that my favorite tag — representing a lifelong fascination — is "big and small." This post gets that tag, because you've got the tiny "racetrack" with the tiny competitors, and they've put it in a large arena. Absurdly, the crowd cannot possibly see the show on the stage. I'm delighted! What other shows are like that? Is the show the absence of a show?

In one of my favorite movies, "Limelight," in which Charlie Chaplin plays the part of an aging, failing comedian, and in this scene, he's the commentator for the performance of 2 invisible fleas.

AND: As long as we're looking at movies and combining sex and sports commentary, let me show you Fielding Mellish's honeymoon, with commentary from Howard Cosell: