This is another piece in the NYT about Will Smith — it's by Melena Ryzik, Nicole Sperling and Matt Stevens — and I think it's worth reading, because it raises the more general problem of what happens to a person who chooses the strategy of niceness:
From his start as a goofy, G-rated rapper and sitcom star through his carefully managed rise as a blockbuster action hero, Will Smith has spent decades radiating boundless likability. But his amiable image was something of a facade, he wrote in his memoir, noting that a therapist had nicknamed his nice guy persona “Uncle Fluffy.”...
Mr. Smith wrote that he had another, less public, side: “the General,” a punisher who emerged when joviality didn’t get the job done. “When the General shows up, people are shocked and confused,” he wrote in “Will,” his 2021 memoir. “It was sweetness, sweetness, sweetness and then sour, sour, sourness.”
I'm interested in the wages of niceness. You can try to be nice, but if it's a strategy — a means to an end — it's only going to work until you snap or — even if you never snap — it can fail because other people perceive you as phony or because they may rely on you to keep up the niceness charade while they proceed to take advantage of you more and more.
Remember the "Queen of Nice"? Who was that? Rosie O'Donnell? Ellen DeGeneres? Neither of them turned out to be very nice, and maybe deploying the "nice" persona made them even less nice than they'd have been if they'd gone ahead and been straightforward. And yet, where would they be if they hadn't played "nice"? Where would Will Smith be? Would he have been a big success in rap music if he hadn't taken the "goofy, G-rated" lane?
But most of that NYT article is about how he's hurt his family's brand, which was "rooted in his seemingly-authentic congeniality":
For several years, a growing branch of Smith family enterprises has adeptly delivered reality-style revelation and emotional intimacy across an expanding number of platforms. Beyond Mr. Smith’s acting career and his introspective, best-selling memoir, there is the popular “Red Table Talk” show on Facebook Watch, in which Ms. Pinkett Smith, their daughter, Willow, and Jada’s mother, Adrienne Banfield Norris, hold forth on everything from racial identity to workout routines to the Smiths’ unconventional marriage....
How they sold that "unconventional marriage" as part of a "goofy, G-rated" "congeniality," I don't know. I haven't been watching. I'm surprised by what counts as wholesome and mainstream sexuality these days.
“I think most people would give him the benefit of the doubt,” said [Jonathan] Murray, a co-founder of the production company Bunim Murray, which pioneered reality TV. “But it really will rest on whether we believe that he is authentically dealing with this.”
There's that word "authentic" again — used, again, not to mean actual authenticity, but the perception of authenticity. It's "seemingly-authentic" and "whether we believe" we're seeing authenticity. The authenticity can be completely phony baloney, but the question is, are we — the idiots on the sofa — buying it?
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I can’t help but think that the “unconventional family” stuff - which boiled down to his wife sleeping around and him not doing anything about it - made him so mad that eventually the anger boiled over.
Someone in the comments last night noted that Smith, as a child, witnessed the assault and abuse of his mother by his father. I don’t think it takes a licensed psychiatrist to connect that experience to the development of explosive anger issues in adulthood.
Authenticity is much more challenging than niceness because there are no rules for it's positive expression. There are rules about how to be nice. Not so for authenticity, because it's measured by congruity with an unknowable inner state.
His wife doesn't know what Alopecia is. She showed one small strip that could've been covered over with her hair. The rest of her shaved head showed plenty of hair follicles. Those of us who have large empty spots and must wear wigs or are basically bald and wear wigs know the difference.
Get Jiggy, Uncle Fluffy!
Black/Hollyweird Privilege.
The redirected slap of the cuckold.
Emotionally, the slap had been primed and waiting for his wife.
But he was too weak and fearful to show her the pimp hand.
Then the opportunity to reclaim his masculinity before a grand audience appeared.
I am a man, dammit.
Two plus two.
I am Laslo.
chevalue said: "His wife doesn't know what Alopecia is. She showed one small strip that could've been covered over with her hair. The rest of her shaved head showed plenty of hair follicles. Those of us who have large empty spots and must wear wigs or are basically bald and wear wigs know the difference."
Yes, I said that in my first post about the incident: "I'm seeing some articles talking about her alopecia, but if you go to that link, you'll see she has a thin line of baldness across the top, and it's something that would be hidden if she didn't shave her head."
After the Oscar Parties he probably wanted to fuck the shit out of her to show her Who Was The Man Now.
But too much celebratory alcohol impaired his ability to perform.
And she knows who the Slap was meant for.
The ball is in Jada's court; I bet she will leave him twisting in the wind for a bit.
Just an extrapolation, of course.
I am Laslo.
It's like someone who needs prescription glasses saying she's blind.
And, anyway, baldness isn't a disability. Under the ADA, a disability substantially limits a major life activity. There's no life activity impaired by baldness. Yes, wags can say baldness impairs your success in finding sex partners, but then bad looks would be a disability.
The woman shaving her head is an emasculating choice aimed at the male.
You cannot show me off with flowing locks. You cannot run your fingers through my hair, much less pull at it in the throes of passion.
She set up a ticking time-bomb.
I am Laslo.
Andy Griffith had the same problem. He had such an image of being pleasant and a nice guy that when he did have to show some displeasure it shocked the Hell out of people and he wound up with a reputation as an asshole.
The son Jaden responded on Twitter after the Slap: "And That's How We Do It."
Watching his Father be emasculated for years, he finally is able to seize on a moment of Pride.
See? His biological Dad is not ineffectual as a Father Figure.
His Father CAN be a Man.
Finally.
I shall proclaim my Pride for all the World to see.
My Father IS a Man, dammit.
Word.
I am Laslo.
Didn't Uncle Fluffy used to give girls roofies? and then have sex with them while they were drugged? Or was That some Other nice black man?
Each man's slap diminishes me,
For I am in bed with all mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the slap is aimed,
It is aimed at thee.
I am not Laslo.
Meanwhile, Jada is spending hours crating just the right Response to give. Perhaps on her show, perhaps on Oprah: there are Important Decisions to be made.
Did she view the Act as chivalrous? Does she intimate that her Husband Had Masculinity Issues?
Is she simply a Bystander, or is her Role to be The Woman Who Rises Above?
What will work best for the Brand of Jada?
Wheels are in Motion.
I am Laslo.
People said, i concatenated ...
which boiled down to his wife sleeping around and him not doing anything about it
BECAUSE; As Someone in the comments last night noted that Smith, as a child, witnessed the assault and abuse of his mother by his father.
He WANTS to bitchslap that dirty cheating whore! But, that 'wouldn't be nice'..
So he hits his hand against a Rock instead
"Get your G*dd*mned Mouth, Off of my wife!!!"
Laslo Spatula said...
The woman shaving her head is an emasculating choice aimed at the male.
Wasn't this covered, in the Bible? Didn't some innocent Temple* suffer for it?
Temple* NOT the Temple on the Rock, but that would have made it all SO COOL!
The son Jaden will no doubt be involved in a physical altercation in the next six months.
There is a lot of pent-up resentment in That One.
Probably a stranger will say something that can serve as a trigger given the right circumstances; alcohol or drugs will probably be involved.
Your father slapped a smaller man: that is a Bitch Move. Something like that, maybe.
The recipient of the son's violence will be smaller or weaker, of course. It Is The Family Way.
I am Laslo.
Ann Althouse said...
It's like someone who needs prescription glasses saying she's blind.
Call it what it is; she's playing helpless victim when there's a better than average chance that her hair loss is self-induced.
The Will Smith Niceness Brand had achieved its peak: he was on the cusp of receiving the Oscar.
Sure, the performance was good, but it was the Academy saying it's Time for the Nice Guy to Win.
He would then be frozen in the amber of Niceness unless he did something NOW.
Clock is ticking, clock is ticking.
Is that really who he wanted to be? He was a MAN, dammit.
He had played the Game, was on the Cusp of Victory, but realized he Hated Who He Had To Be to get there.
All the years of ass-kissing and swallowed pride, hidden behind a Pretense of Bravado.
I Am Not Who You Thought I Was.
A Coming Out Party, bitches.
I am Laslo.
I had the same thought about the alopecia - it does not seem to be a life-look-changing case. So why all the fuss about it? People have far worse things going on - see those face transplant news items, for example….
Jada’s whining and narcissism is bringing down her whole family. How is it that no one seems to be able to put her in check?
Re: Hair loss.
She had also put out a Facebook video a few days before the Oscars where she talked about how much she enjoyed her new "bald" look and how great it was not having to worry about her hair. That she would get upset about such a mild joke from Rock says to me that either she has some personal beef with Chris Rock or her ego has gotten out of control.
Pantsing Rock would have been better...harkening back to Superbowl nip rip.
Laslo Spatula said...
The redirected slap of the cuckold.
--
Longstanding motif of blues songs is to go after the dude as if woman had nothing to do with it. Took Jimi Hendrix to turn that one around.
This is what people get for living their lives in public. Eventually, it's going to be something. Here we are. And we seem to know so much about these people. Imagine living your life like that.
In 2003, Daniel Schorr wrote an article saying,
But 15 years later, I would be abandoning the printed press and joining Ed Murrow at CBS. I soon learned that television wasn’t just about conveying information, but about glorifying the conveyor of the information – the star. When I asked a young producer the secret of success for a print reporter going into television, he replied, “Sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
The general idea seems to have been floating around for years beforehand (often as "honesty"). Information pulled from The Quote Investigator.
By now the entire world has been again reminded of George Burns's knowing observation:
"Sincerity, if you can fake that, you've got it made.".
"You cannot run your fingers through my hair..."
If you go back to my first post about the incident, I embed the trailer for Chris Rock's documentary "Good Hair," and one of the sections of that is about how black men have learned that they never ever ever ever attempt to run their fingers through a black woman's hair
There was a”Queen of Mean”.
Jordan Peterson would probably say that being extra high on the character trait of “agreeableness”, doesn’t always lead to the best outcomes.
"She had also put out a Facebook video a few days before the Oscars where she talked about how much she enjoyed her new "bald" look and how great it was not having to worry about her hair."
This is a fantastic position to take. It's strong. It's self-empowered. It's saying this is exactly what I am and I love it. What a diminished position to say I feel inferior and I need my man to defend me!
I'll just guess she had advisers helping her with the Facebook video, and at the Oscars, she had to use her own judgment, on the spur of the moment.
To paraphrase Seinfeld's guide to Earth:
Rapping around the fire, now. Raging, later.
"She had also put out a Facebook video a few days before the Oscars where she talked about how much she enjoyed her new "bald" look and how great it was not having to worry about her hair."
It's rationalization of the weakest, low energy, self-defeating position available from: do what you can, when you can, if you can, within reason. Here's to the strong men and women who strive to improve their fate and raise our consciousness.
I guess it's nice that Will recognized his split personality himself. If you said it, you would be accused of racism (and nowadays that goes even if you are African-American yourself).
So yes, Hey Joe is a feminist anthem.
Sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made. --- George Burns
Having been on receiving end of bald jokes for three decades, I have a lot of slapping to catch up on. Or is that only reserved for bald jokes aimed at women?
I haven't read the piece yet, but I was - and have been - wondering why in the modern world it takes three authors to write a newspaper article these days. Ernie Pyle did not have two compadres to help him write his dispatches. There have always been editors to clean up the messes, but three writers?!?
NYT needs three reporters covering this?
"People who shave their heads are pretenders. They are not really bald and certainly not members of the bald community."
Larry David, curb your enthusiasm
Quote from memory and very approximate
John LGBTQBNY Henry
I enjoyed reading the comments, particularly Laslo's. Every year there's at least one incident at the Oscars that inspires some comments and controversy, but there's never been anything like this. This gets the Oscar for bad behavior at the Oscars....I see where some celebrities when asked for comment decline to do so. They say everyone is talking about it and they have nothing to add. Very prudent....Blacks, especially women, seem inclined to grant Will Smith clemency or an outright pardon. OJ jurors. It's very difficult for Blacks to criticize a Black celebrity who's being criticized by whites. Clarence Thomas is the exception....I guess partially what makes this incident so interesting are the racial undertones. Will whites and blacks ever agree about anything?
Authenticity is much more challenging than niceness
"Once you can fake authenticity, you got it made." -- Will Smith, probably
She met the guy she was fooling around with through her son Jaden. Wonderful role model she is.
In view of all that's been goin down - I think I'll go on out and pass it around...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHVp9aGTHa0
This was the edgiest award show since the ‘92 Grammy’s, when members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers jumped up on stage speakers and made exaggerated monkey masturbatory motions before thanking the academy!
Working off memory here…
Dalton from Roadhouse said it best: "I want you to be nice, until it is time to NOT be nice."
Even the nicest person on the planet can get pissed off if you press the right buttons. That's just human nature. In Smith's case, those buttons were pushed by his wife. Chris Rock just had the misfortune of being the nearest viable target.
Smith couldn't have hit the comedienne who had earlier told the much more insulting joke about Jada's sleeping around because he'd have been walked out in handcuffs. Rock's weaker joke was just the trigger for that earlier joke. Jada had had enough of these nothings insulting her. It was time for Smith to prove he was a man here if not in the sack.
Actual niceness doesn't have to be faked, and is a side-effect rather than a goal.
Side effect of what? Helping the other guy.
I trust Lazlo's analysis of the issue. Yet I still see this as a pre-planned event to create buzz for the lame oscar industry.
Of course, Rosie O'Donnell is not at all nice, but you have to understand the context. It was the age of Morton Downey, Jr. and people hitting each other with chairs on the television. Somebody got killed after a "my secret crush" episode of Jenny Jones. People still watched Maury Povich. Newsweek was hoping for an end to the carnival sideshow or gladiatorial aspects of daytime television and return to the old days of mindless celebrity "tell us about your latest project" chitchit.
They underestimated just how politicized and confrontational and just plain rude the culture had become. Plus, Hollywood in the days of Merv Griffin and Mike Douglas was based on secrets and lies and evasions. What happened in the bedroom stayed in the bedroom or only leaked out in wild rumors and gossip. What happened in the boardroom or the staff room or the executive offices didn't leak out at all, so Rosie and Ellen could pretend to be the Queens of Nice. Nowadays, we know too much to go on with the illusion.
You can draw a parallel with politics if you want. Newsweek and company got sick of what they saw the circus or carnival barker atmosphere of the last administration and longed for a return to normalcy and decorum and politics as usual. They didn't understand or didn't want to understand or didn't want to tell the rest of us just how corrupt and sleazy normal politics, like normal show business, really is -- and maybe always was.
"Dual consciousness" has long been a staple of African-American studies as well as of psychology. It's interesting that DuBois was exploring the concept in a racial context while Freud and others were giving ideas of ambivalence and reaction formation wider application in the same era. Is it still so much the consciousness of being Black and thinking of oneself as seen through White eyes though? Maybe it's also the consciousness of being an assimilated African-American and having always to think of what one looks like to other less assimilated African-Americans and wondering if one is acting too white.
Which self is the real Will? Maybe they are too closely intertwined. Maybe the price of being nice so much of the time is being really not nice at other times. Or maybe not-nice Will is a way of protecting nice guy Will.
"But most of that NYT article is about how he's hurt his family's brand,"
it's actually reverse. His family hurt his brand by making him insane
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