"I did not like standing for prolonged periods of time, for almost any reason. I did not like waiting in line for food. I did not like anything that included the word 'networking.' I did like getting drinks or dinner in a place where we could really talk, or lounging in someone’s living room, or going to a party if there were going to be lots of people I knew there and ample seating room.... Especially now that people are making plans with frenzied abandon, saying yes to all manners of activities without a second thought because they are so starved for socializing. Yes to that group sound bath! Yes to the wine-cooler tasting! Yes to the early morning rave! Oh honey, no. No. No. Be honest with yourself. If you like the energy of a big crowd, say no to that intimate coffee and parry with a trip to a concert. If you hate going out, invite people to come over. Tell people the real reasons you’re saying no for things you say no to. This has two benefits: it will give you deeper intimacy with friends who will know you for the true crank you really are. And it will mean that they stop inviting you to things that you really don’t like to do."
From "If You Don’t Want to Go, Say No/Most social obligations would be best left in the Before Times" by Jessica Grose (NYT).
I had to look up sound bath — here ("I Tried a Sound Bath — Here's What This Meditative Practice Is Really Like" (Allure)).
Anyway... Grose gives some good advice. It's advice I figured out for myself — half a lifetime ago, when I was in my 30s, and at the time, I was rather amazed that I hadn't noticed the precise problem earlier. But I realized that I had mixed together what people in general tend to like and what I specifically liked. You get a strong message from the culture that there is fun to be had and that group activities are highly gratifying. You may need to force yourself to ask, yes, but do I like that?
Grose speaks of "deeper intimacy with friends who will know you for the true crank you really are," but that might be too rosy. What if these friends/"friends" decide they don't like this new crank you've revealed yourself to be or they decide you don't really belong in their group? You don't like parties. You're not fun-loving.
That's why facing up to the question what do I really like? isn't that easy. It takes courage. You can lose what you — by merging your preferences with the group's — were trying to keep. I'd say, do it anyway, but if you don't, it's easy to see why you don't.
Posts
