"Police were on the lookout for a suspect last seen wearing tight leather pants, who might have disguised his appearance by getting a level 8 spray tan. Alias: Holiday Armadillo."

"His getaway from the police failed because he was stuck in second gear. The police approached him with caution because he was known to be trained in karate and unagi, the state of total awareness. However, he did not resist arrest and repeatedly assured the police he was 'fine.' He made a failed attempt at getting off easy by sweet-talking an 'Officer Pretty.' At trial, his defense was that it was a case of mistaken identity and the real thief was someone named Russ. After being found guilty, he asked the judge for leniency in his sentence because he had learned his lesson: that he needs to find the line between stealing and what store owes him, adding: 'Beer? No no no!' The judge agreed and sentenced him to drink a glass of fat."

Riffs my son John on a Daily Beast article, "British Police Hunt Suspect Who ‘Looks Like Ross From Friends.'"

Here's the surveillance shot the nefarious lookalike:



The real Ross, David Schwimmer, responds:

Officers, I swear it wasn't me.
As you can see, I was in New York.
To the hardworking Blackpool Police, good luck with the investigation.#itwasntme pic.twitter.com/EDFF9dZoYR

— schwim (@DavidSchwimmer) October 24, 2018

And here's the box set of the complete "Friends" series, which John sent me a while back and which I've watched enough of to get 30% of the jokes in John's riff.

ADDED: The glass of fat: