... you'll have to think of your own jokes.
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November 21, 2017
At the No-Jokes Café...
... you'll have to think of your own jokes.
If any shopping is part of your fun, please use The Althouse Amazon Portal.
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119 comments:
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
That's why they call her Siri; short for Serious.
I suppose even "knock knock who's there" is a double entendre. Too risqué for Siri.
I was sure I had two when I came in.
Well, the first thing is that your stance is all wwrong.
"I know where Elmer Fudd is buried," Tom quipped.
My favorite Tom Swifty.
In a coma? I thought she was Jewish.
The Anne Franck drum set.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Siri knows at least one joke. I asked her once for the location of the nearest Seven Eleven and she replied, "Michael, seven minus eleven is negative four". I was amused (though no wiser).
Why did the woman say, "That's not funny"?
She didn't know you could do that with a cigar.
Joke? You mean like “do you know the difference between oral sex and anal sex? “
Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Like “what’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?”
Original Mike is lucky Siri didn’t say” Find the 7-11 yourself smart guy”
“Beer Nuts are $2.49. Deer Nuts are under a buck.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns the rabbit and asks Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?
No.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
A horse walked into a bar, The bartender said, "Why the long face ?"
Still using the old phone.
Anywho, the new one doesn't do any better w/ that question.
Three nuns die in a car crash and St. Peter says “good news sisters, You lived such exemplary lives that God is going to let you return to earth and live again another year as anyone you want, before you come to heaven.”
First nun says, “I want to serve the Lord again, I want to be Mother Theresa” so poof, she’s Mother Theresa.
Second nun says, “I want to serve the Lord but as a man, I want to be the Pope” so poof, she’s the Pope.
Third nun says “I want to be Sarah Pipilini.” St. Peter checks his record and can’t find a Sara Pipilini. So he goes into the archives and after an hour comes back exhausted and says “Sorry sister, I think you’re mistaken. It was the Sahara Pipeline that was “laid by 10,000 men”.
A rabbi, a priest, and a penguin walk into a bar ...
Oh! You heard that one before?
Hispanic couple had twins. Named the first one JOSE. What’d they name the second one?
Hose B.
Italian couple has twins, named the first one Denise. What’d they name the second one?
De Nephew.
Boobies! You had to be there.
No jokes cafe? So Chuck won’t be posting?
Nun teaching the third graders asks them what they want to be when the grow up. Susie says “a doctor” Johnny says “a firefighter”
Then Sarah says “I want to be a prostitute.” Nun is flabbergasted and says “oh my goodness, what did you say?” And Sarah says “I want to be a prostitute” and then the Nun say “Oh thank God, I thought you said you want to be a Protestant”
My pop had two Italian uncles -- twins. Primo and Secondo. Not a joke, but funny.
Moses comes down from Mount Sinai holding a couple flat pieces of rock if you know what I mean.
He addresses the assembled multitude.
He says, "I got some good news, I got some bad news."
"The good news is, I managed to hold Him to just...ten!"
"The bad news; adultery stays."
Bear walks into a bar in Billings, demands a beer....
Isn't the adultery one "Covet not thy neighbor's wife, nor his ass"? Kind of a twofer.
Priest goes into downtown to misinter to the people. A prostitute quips “hey padre, how about head for $10?” Priest ignores her, flummoxed. When he gets back to the rectory he tells one of the nuns what happened and then asks sheepishly “sister, what’s ‘head’?”
Sister says “$10 same as downtown”.
Guy gets a phone call from his doctor.
Doctor tells him "I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which do you want first?"
Guy says "give me the good news first"
Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
Guys says "What?! If that's the good news, whats the bad news?!"
Doctor says "I've been trying to get hold you since yesterday"
Doctor tells his patient "I have good news, and bad news."
Patient says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc."
Doctor says: "You will probably be dead in three months."
Patient: "Crap Doc! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "I'm banging my nurse!"
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Lawyer walk into a bar .... the bartender looks up and says , "What .. is this some kinda joke?"
Guy goes to the Doctor because his dick is orange.
Doc runs all kinds of tests and everything comes back pretty normal. So he starts thinking environmental causes. Asks the guy what he does for a living. Guys says he’s currently unemployed. Hmmm, so Doc asks “well what’s your typical day like, what do you do all day?” Guy says ....
Well mostly watch porn and eat cheetoes.
Guy comes home and his wife says “honey, I have something to tell you”
Guy’s all nervous and says “um ok, what’s up?”
Wife says “I’m seeing a therapist”
Guy let’s out a big sigh of relief and says “ok, whew, well do you think we can afford that?”
Wife says “oh, I’m not seeing him professionally.”
A guy goes to the doctor, who tells him "Well, I have bad news and worse news."
The guy says, "Let's hear the worse news first."
The doctor says, "The worse news is that you have incurable cancer."
The guy shakes his head, and says, "Wow! So what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is that you have Alzheimer's disease."
The guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
How do physics Ph.D's make their cars go faster?
They take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
A guy goes to a doctor and the doctor says "You have to stop masturbating!"
"Why?"
"Because I am trying to examine you!"
Stupid guy who only exists in dirty jokes refuses to have sex with his bride.
"My Mom told me you have teeth down there"
"Of course we don't," says she. "See for yourself"
He examines.
"You're right. No teeth here. And no wonder. Your gums are terrible."
no lawyer jokes? on this blog?
A man went in to see his doctor about a sore arm.
The doctor wanted him to leave a urine sample the next morning, and call back after lunch, where he would know the reason.
What the hell, the man thought, you can't tell anything from a urine sample about a sore arm!
So he took a sample from the dog, his wife, and his daughter. Then he added his own and shook it up. He dropped it off on the way to work as requested.
He called in at noon and the doctor said he was stumped, and told to call again after work and he should have it figured out by then.
The man laughed to himself! What an idiot that doctor is.
As requested, he called in and the doctor was all excited! He had figured everything out!
The doctor said, it looks like your daughter is pregnant, your wife has syphilis, the dog has rabies, and if you don't stop masturbating you're going to continue to have a sore arm!
Charlie Manson dies and ends up in Hell. No surprise there, right?
So the Devil meets him and says, "Welcome to Hell, Charlie, we've been waiting for you for a hell of a long time. I think you'll like it here. Do you like drinking?"
Manson says, "Yeah, I like drinking."
The Devil says, "Good, then you're going to like Mondays. All we do on Mondays is drink all day long. Whiskey, beer, vodka, tequila, we drink 'em all. Do you like smoking?"
Manson says, "Yeah, I like smoking."
The Devil replies, "Good, then you're going to like Tuesdays. All we do on Tuesdays is smoke all day long. Cigarettes, pipes, cigars, we smoke 'em all. Do you like drugs?"
Manson says, "Yeah, I like drugs."
The Devil tells him, "Good, then you're going to like Wednesdays. All we do on Wednesdays is get high all day long. Coke, weed, pills, mushrooms, we do 'em all. Do you like gay sex?"
Manson says, "No, I don't like gay sex."
The Devil grins and says, "You're not gonna like Thursdays!"
Bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.”
A tachyon walks into a bar.
A guy is walking along a river and sees someone across the water. He yells out "How do I get to the other side?" The man replies "You are on the other side!"
For Bob Boyd:
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Did you hear about the famous dyslexic Hollywood producer who went into a bra?
- Krumhorn
On November 20, Sputnik News published an article titled "Google Executive Says New Algorithm Will Hide RT, Sputnik Articles". Excerpts follow:
-----
Eric Schmidt, the executive chairman of Google's parent company, Alphabet, announced Saturday that the company will "engineer" algorithms that will make it harder for articles from Sputnik News and RT to appear on the Google News service.
"We are working on detecting and de-ranking those kinds of sites — it's basically RT and Sputnik," Schmidt said during a question-and-answer session ... "We are well of aware of it, and we are trying to engineer the systems to prevent [the content being delivered to wide audiences]. But we don't want to ban the sites — that's not how we operate."
Schmidt's response came after a guest in the audience asked [about] "Russian propaganda." ...
Schmidt later noted that he was "very strongly not in favor of censorship," but that instead he had faith in "ranking" stories. ... The official did indicate that it would be able to detect "repetitive, exploitative, false, and weaponized" information. ...
Robert Epstein, a research psychologist, called Google's interference "very dangerous."
"Companies like Google and Facebook play both sides: they pretend to be objective but exercise enormous editorial control," he said.
Faced with having to close down its US-based offices and with its employees under threat of arrest, RT announced just a week ago that the the news organization had registered under the Foreign Agents Registration Act. RT called the sudden deadline to register imposed by the US Justice Department "cannibalistic" and decried the requirement as a blow to free speech. ...
-----
https://sputniknews.com/world/201711201059277108-google-algorithm-to-hide-rt-sputnik-news-articles/
Does Beer make you smart?
I dunno, but it made Bud wiser.
[groan from my kids]
Guy sits alone at the end of a long bar. Only other person in the bar is the bartender and he is far away at the other end of the bar.
Guy hears voices... "nice tie". Guy looks around, & wonders... who said that? Nobody around at all. Then he hears..... "You're really good looking"... Guy looks around again... still nobody around at all except the bartender and he's nowhere nearby. Guy is confused. Then hears..."Nice shoes"...
Guy gets up and walks to the other end of the bar. He demands to know what is going on. Who is talking to him? Bartender says - "Oh, that's the peanuts, they are complimentary."
So a lawyer and a necrophiliac are walking down the street. Just ahead of them is a gorgeous blond.
Suddenly the blonde collapses on the sidewalk and just lays there.
The necrophiliac is on her in a shot. He slaps a hand on her jugular, feels for a pulse and shouts triumphantly, "Overdose! She's dead!"
The lawyer says, "Holy smoke...what do we do?"
The necrophiliac says, "We fuck her!"
The lawyer looks confused and says, "Out of what?"
Chuck is the class dweeb, secretary of the ham radio club and Martha is the head cheerleader. Chuck is in love with Martha and after 6 months of indecision, he asks her out on a date. Martha says yes, and they go to dinner and a movie. Then, Chuck drives Martha up Mulholland Drive to the Top of the World where they make out hot and heavy. In a moment of passion, Martha cries out "Chuck, kiss me where it smells bad" So he drives her to El Segundo.
Three doctors on their way to a conference. Tire goes Bang! They pull off the road, get out, walk around to the right rear, stare for several minutes. Finally one says, " I think this tire is flat. " In a minute another nods and says, " I think you are right. " The third finally says, " We need to run some tests. "
I would tell you the joke about the bed, but it hasn't been made up.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
Bartender: Wow! Where did you get him?
Parrot: In Africa. They got millions of them there!
- Krumhorn
How long is a Chinese name
Three Irishmen -- Paddy, Sean and Seamus -- were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Country teacher to late boy
" You are late again?"
I had to take the bull down to service the cows.
Can't your father do that?
No, the bull's gotta do it.
"Don't have LSD, but I got some smart pills for ya"
OK, gimme five
twenty minutes later;
I don't feel anything, and these pills taste like rabbit shit
"Yeah,see, now you're gettin' smart"
Did you hear about the streaker who ran through the Church? They caught him by the organ.
Back in the 90's Bill put Hillary in charge of health care reform. She decided to visit a hospital study up on the issue.
The head doctor took her on tour of his facility. As they went through a large open ward lined with beds, Hillary noticed one bed was surrounded with screens. Curious, she took a peak. Inside was a guy lying there masturbating furiously. Hillary said, "Oh! Excuse me." The doctor quickly explained, "This patient has to masturbate every hour or he could a blockage...maybe even a rupture..."
Hillary rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever" and they continued the tour.
A little later, as they walked down a corridor past a number of private rooms, Hillary looked in and saw a patient getting a blow job from a good looking nurse. She said, "Oh my goodness! What kind of hospital are you running here doctor?"
The doctor said, "Well you remember that guy up on the ward? The one who...the one with the screens?"
Hillary said, "Of course."
The doctor said, " Well this guy has the same condition, but he also has insurance."
Three Irishmen walk past the bar
Your gums are terrible. lol.
Two really old old timers decide they need a last night of nookie before they croak. They both decide to visit the local madam and set up with two hookers. The old dudes wander up the hill to the madam's brothel and enter the house. She looks them up and down and says "wait here." She makes a few calls then sends the old guys up to two separate rooms. She did not want to waste any of her girls on these two old geezers. She told her staff to set the rooms up with blow-up dolls. She figured they wouldn't know the difference.
Afterward, the two old guys were walking home comparing notes.... "Well, how was it?" "My gal was really boring. Didn’t say much, didn’t do much. I had to do all the work... Was it the same for you?"
"Oh not at all. I think my gal was a witch. I went to nibble on her ear, and she farted and flew out the window."
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce and were standing before the judge.
Judge says: "Let me get this straight, Mickey. You say that Minnie is insane?"
Mickey: "No, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"
An old bull is showing the ropes to a recently acquired young bull. As they crest the hill the young bull spots a bevy of cows and says: "Let's run down the hill and screw one!" The old bull replies: "Let's walk down the hill and screw them all."
What's the difference between a Scotsman & a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.
Guy is in a mens room stall in a bar. He discovers there's no toilet paper. He calls over to the guy in the next stall to ask if he has any toilet paper there.
"No, I don't have any either. But do what I do. Use a dollar".
"OK, I'll try it.
A few moments later they meet at the sinks.
"That was a terrible idea. What a mess".
"Did you use a dollar ?"
"Yeah. Three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel."
Why doesn't the Church of Christ believe in sex standing up?
Might lead to dancing.
Why don't Southern girls participate in group sex?
Because it is so tiresome to have to write all those thank you notes.
My favorite joke is the one my son invented:
"Why did the chicken get to the other side?"
Charles Manson arrives in Hell and the devil shows him a choice of rooms in which to spend eternity. Manson looks at the selection and sees one room with lava a foot thick on the floor and another with shit of the same depth. Thinking he can get used to the smell more easily than burning his feet and ankles, he picks the room filled with shit.
Manson's standing around a few minutes later thinking that he's beat the system, when a voice over the loudspeaker says: "Back on your heads, coffee break's over".
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says "hey, buddy, we don't let dogs in here!".
The guy says "But, my dog is special. He can talk. Pour me a beer & I'll show you".
"Oh, yeah?" says the bartender.
"Yeah, watch. Rover, what do you call a tree's skin?"
"Bark" says the dog.
"Rover, how does sharkskin feel?"
"Ruff!" says the dog.
"Rover, who was the greatest German composer of the first half of the 20th C?"
"Orff!" says the dog.
Well, the bartender's had it by this point. He yells at the guy "You charlatan! Get out of here & take your damn dog with you!"
The two start walking out, & the dog stops, & turns to the bartender & says "Did you think it was Hindemith?".
I dream of a world where a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.
A young boy and girl have decided to have their lunch outside on a beautiful afternoon. After a few soft drinks the little boy mentions that he has to use the bathroom. He goes behind a tree to do his business and the little girl becomes curious about how he's doing so while standing up. She gazes around the tree, spies his willy, and says: "That's a handy little thing to have on a picnic!"
Guy comes in to work Monday with his forehead bandaged up. His friends ask what happened.
"My wife and I were doing in doggie style, and she ran under the porch"
Two guys on their way to a costume party were dressed as a cow. They decided to walk through a meadow as a short-cut. Not long into the meadow, the man in the front spotted a bull. “Uh oh, a bull!"
The other guy says "What?"
"Yeah, a bull"
The guy in back asked, "Where is he?"
"Coming toward us"
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, I'm going to east some grass, but you had better brace yourself".
- Krumhorn
What's foreplay in Ireland?
"Brace yourself, Bridget."
What's the most useless thing on a woman's body?
An Irishman.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought, and stepped on the gas. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, 130. and finally 150 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
- Krumhorn
Meade said...I suppose even "knock knock who's there" is a double entendre. Too risqué for Siri.
--
Some might consider it "kinda rapey".
Mickey Mouse in divorce court, talking to the judge:
Judge: So Mr. Mouse, I understand you want to divorce your wife because she's insane?
Mickey: No your honor.
Judge: So why do you want a divorce?
Mickey: I want a divorce because she's fucking Goofy.
"Say, Ole. I heard you won the grand prize at the raffle the other night. I forget . . . what was it now?"
"Sven, you know perfectly well it was a toilet brush."
"That's right, that's right. So, how's it workin' for you?"
"Oh, pretty good I guess, but I think I'll just keep using toilet paper."
Oh shit..Mock got there first!
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!""
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
A very pious man dies while pushing a little girl out of the way of a bus. When he gets to the pearly gates, Saint Peter greets him with a big smile and says "Welcome! We've been waiting for you!". The man looks puzzled, and Saint Peter continues; "You've lead a perfect life, and died saving the life of a little girl, so God has decided to reward you...you may ask any question and it will be answered." The guy thinks for a while, and finally says, "Well I've always wanted to know...are zebras white horses with black stripes, or black horses with white stripes?" Saint Peter looks perplexed. "You know...I have no idea...but you know who would know? Jesus...come on in and have a look around..when you find him, ask him your question." So the man enters Heaven and begins to wander around. After a few decades, he finally runs into Jesus on the golf course. He waits quietly while Jesus sinks a 300 foot putt and then introduces himself and explains. Jesus tells him to ask his question. So the guy says: "I've always wanted to know...are zebras white horses with black stripes, or black horses with white stripes?" Jesus replies: "They are what they are" and strolls off down the course. The guy wanders around some more, and eventually ends up near the front gate again. Saint Peter greets him and asks "Say, did you ever get an answer to your question?" The man replies "Yes, but I don't understand it. When I asked are zebras white horses with black stripes, or black horses with white stripes, all Jesus said was 'They are what they are'". "Well there's your answer then" Saint Peter replied; "they mist be white horses with black stripes". "How do you know that?" the man asked. "Easy" Saint Peter replied, "If they had been black horses with white stripes Jesus would have said 'they be what they be'."
A retired Alabama police officer told MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell on Tuesday that she had to keep an eye on Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore in the 1980s at local high school football games because he would regularly harass the team’s teenage cheerleaders.
Under Alabama law:
(a)(1) Harassment. A person commits the crime of harassment if, with intent to harass, annoy, or alarm another person, he or she either:
a. Strikes, shoves, kicks, or otherwise touches a person or subjects him or her to physical contact.
b. Directs abusive or obscene language or makes an obscene gesture towards another person.
(2) For purposes of this section, harassment shall include a threat, verbal or nonverbal, made with the intent to carry out the threat, that would cause a reasonable person who is the target of the threat to fear for his or her safety.
(3) Harassment is a Class C misdemeanor.
Whenever a person is convicted of a Class C misdemeanor, that person faces a maximum sentence of either hard labor or imprisonment in a county jail for not more than three months and may be fined $500.
So where is the arrest record?
What does an Alabama girl say after making love?
"Get up Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes!"
An Englishman, a Scots, a Welshman, an Irishman, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi all walk into a bar.
The barman looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke ... ?"
Hey, Amazing Quotes, it's joke time, not quote time.
I told this one years ago on this very blog --
Two cannibals are sitting at the dinner table eating a clown, when one cannibal turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny."
A priest, a doctor and an engineer are on the golf course and they're being held up by the foursome ahead of them, who are playing terribly, always in the rough.
They accost the pro, "Hey what about those guys? Can't you make 'em play faster?"
The pro sez, "Those guys are firemen who lost their vision while putting out the club house when it was on fire. We let 'em play for free."
The priest sez, "That's terrible. I will say a mass in their honor and perhaps a merciful God will restore their vision."
The doctor sez, "I know a very good ophthalmologist. I'll send them to him, and I'm sure he can help them."
The engineer sez, "Can't they play at night?"
A German shepherd goes into the Western Union office and tells the clerk he wants to send a telegram.
He says, "I want it to say, 'Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.'"
The clerk says, "That's only nine words. If you want to you can send ten words for the same price."
The shepherd says, "You mean 'Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof?'"
The clerk says, "Yessir."
To which the dog replies, "No thanks. That makes no sense at all."
Wisconsin foreplay: Get in the truck, bitch.
There's a joke in here somewhere: Judge Jeanie Pirro was nailed doing 119mph in upstate New York - citing the wide open expanses typical of the region.
In my book, her stock shot up 96%.
YoungHegelian said..
YH, that requires knowledge most people won't have. :-) Should go like this:
( The guy is obviously down on his luck )
How's things been for us the last month, boy?
Ruff!
What's that over our heads?
Ruff!
The guy says, "See, he said roof. I told you he could talk. "
The bartender starts around the bar. The man hurriedly asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever? "
Ruff!
"See, he said Ruth. Now everybody knows that's true."
Bartender grabs both of them by the collar and throws them in the street.
The dog and his owner look at each other. The dog says, " I shoulda said DiMaggio? "
There's a joke in here somewhere: Judge Jeanie Pirro was nailed doing 119mph in upstate New York - citing the wide open expanses typical of the region.
I got my first speeding ticket on that exact same highway. I should have tried that.
Guy goes into the pharmacy...
Guy:"Do you have Viagra?"
Pharmacist:"Yes"
Guy:"Can you get it over the counter?"
Pharmacist:"I can if I take two."
Ah! Engineer jokes! A minister, an artist, and an engineer are asked which is better, a wife or a mistress. The minister votes for having a wife, as the Bible ordains. The artist votes for a mistress, for the mystery and artistic challenge that is the very essence of womanhood.
The engineer wants one of each, because “The wife will think I’m off messing around with the mistress, the mistress will think I’m home with the wife, and I can sneak off to the office and get some real work done.”
Two UW engineering students bump into each other on their way to class. One is riding a new, girl’s bike.
“What’s with the new bike?”
“Well, I was walking to class and a pretty girl rode up on this bike. She jumped off the bike, took off her clothes, lay down on the grass, and told me I could have anything I wanted.”
“Good choice, man. You’d have looked silly trying to fit in her clothes “
Q: Why didn't Ken ever get Barbie pregnant?
A: He always came in a different box.
And this one's evergreen. It must be possible for a woman to get pregnant from anal sex, because there's nothing else that explains where lawyers come from.
Sly-boots Althouse is gathering material for her Stand-Up act.
Boy and girl playing in her backyard. He says, "I bet you can't climb the tree." She looks at the tree and says, "Oh, yeah?" She climbs and stands on the bottom limb, looking down at him. He shrugs and says,"Ok."
When he goes home she goes inside with a big smile on her face. "Why are you so happy?" her mother asked. "Tommy bet I couldn't climb the tree in the backyard. I showed him. I climbed it just fine." Her mother shook her head and said, " Honey, Tommy knew you could climb the tree. He wanted to see your panties."
The girl laughed. "Well, I fooled him. I'm not wearing any."
Girl goes to Doctor for a large, M-shaped welt on her chest.
She explains, "My boyfriend came home from college, and we hugged so hard that the letter on his sweater impressed itself on me"
"Oh, does he go to Minnesota?"
"No, Wisconsin."
Statistician goes duck hunting. Sees one and gets off a shot, but it misses, going a foot to the right. Quickly he fires again and misses again, the shot going a foot to the left.
"Well, on average," he says, "that's one dead duck!"
A guy is out hunting with his buddy Frank. They just climbed a big hill when suddenly Frank clutches his chest, says "a...a...ack" and falls over on his face. The guy kneels down, shakes Frank's shoulder and says, "Frank? Frank?" No response.
So he pulls out his phone, dials 911 and tells the operator, "I'm out in the woods, my buddy Frank collapsed. I think he's dead."
The operator says, "You think he's dead?"
"Yeah. He looks dead."
The operator says, "Well we have to be sure. Make sure."
The guy says "Okay, hang on."
Then the operator hears loud bang.
The guy comes back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"
Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?
You really gotta hand it to her . . .
A cowboy, an American Indian and a Muslim are sitting around the campfire.
The Indian says sadly, "Once we were many, now we are few."
The Muslim smiles and says, "Once we were few, now we are many!"
And the cowboy replies, "That's because we haven't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!"
This is the best blog ever.
Okay.
The Rabbi mounts the Bima to give his yearly sermon for Yom Kippur. It is a hot and muggy day.
"I have bad news, good news, and more bad news," he says.
"First, the air conditioning is out and it will cost $50,000 to fix it.
"Second, we have the money to fix this.
"Third, the money is in YOUR pockets."
Client walks into a lawyer's office, nice wood paneling, fancy artwork, beautiful, sweeping views of downtown LA.
"Nice digs you got here, pal. I gotta big case. How much do you charge?"
"I charge $10,000 for 3 questions."
"Jesus Christ, pal! Isn't that kinda steep??!!"
"Yes, it is -- what's your 3rd question"
Blonde Highway Patrolwoman stops a Camaro for speeding. She tells the blonde driver, "Let me see your license." The driver thinks, " License, license, that has my picture on it." She sorts thru the glovebox and finds a compact, opens it, sees her reflection, hands it to the patrolwoman. She looks at it, hands it back, and says, "Why didn't you tell me you are one of us?"
Two blondes sitting on a bench one night in Oklahoma. One says, "I wonder which is farther away, the moon or Florida?" The second blonde says, " Hello! Can you see Florida from here?"
Doctor gives his patient some unpleasant news. Patient thinks a minute, then says, "I want a second opinion." Doc says, "Ok. You're ugly, too."
We were in the engineering students' lounge, looking at some magazine published for engineering students. There was an article titled, "Who says engineers are dull? Look at what this engineer does on his time off!"
The engineer was a volunteer school crossing guard.
A California highway patrolman saw a man driving with a pig in the passenger seat and pulled him over. The man explained that he saw the pig wandering along the freeway and feared for its safety.
Officer: You should take it to the zoo.
Man: OK, I will.
Two weeks later, same patrolman sees the same man with the same pig on the freeway.
Officer: I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!
Man: I did! He liked it so much I'm taking him to Disneyland!
An Aggie received a Rhodes and arrived in Oxford. He asked a nearby Don "Sir, where is the library at?" The Don replied " One does not end a sentence in a preposition." The Aggie replied "Where is the library at, asshole?"
"What's the difference between pussy and parsley?"
Nobody eats parsley.
A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
When he turned eight, Bobby said to his mother, "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a musician".
Bobby's mother said, "Well, you know honey, you can't do both."
A woman goes into a bar and see's on old Cowboy sitting with his cowboy hat on.
She sits next to him and asks: "Are you a real Cowboy?"
"Yep! I rope cattle, mend fences, and ride the range." He bragged.
He looked at the woman and asked: "What are you?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. I think about having sex with women from the time I get up, till I go to bed!"
She finished her whiskey, and got up and left. Just then a young man came and sat in her place, ordered a beer, and looked at the old Cowboy and asked: "Are you a real Cowboy?"
The old guy, looking confused, said: "Well, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian!"
A guy is walking on the beach and finds a lamp. While cleaning it off a genie pops out, thanks him and offers 3 wishes. Guy says I wish I had a big pile of gold and jewels. Poof! Oh I wish I had a humvee to take it all home. Poof! Now realizing he only had one wish left, he loaded his loot and the lamp into the car and drives off. He is pretty happy and when a commercial comes on that he likes, he sings along "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer wiener.....
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