ADDED: This makes me want to quote, once again, to the late David Rakoff's statement in "Half Empty." Rakoff had cancer and had been told the treatment would require the amputation of his arm and shoulder:
A friend asks if I’ve “picked out” my prosthetic yet, as though I’d have my choice of titanium-plated cyborgiana at my disposal, like some amputee Second Life World of Warcraft character. Another friend, upon hearing my news, utters an unedited, “Oh my God, that’s so depressing!” Over supper, I am asked by another, “So if it goes to the lungs, is it all over?”...
But here’s the point I want to make about the stuff people say. Unless someone looks you in the eye and hisses, “You fucking asshole, I can’t wait until you die of this,” people are really trying their best. Just like being happy and sad, you will find yourself on both sides of the equation many times over your lifetime, either saying or hearing the wrong thing. Let’s all give each other a pass, shall we?
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16 comments:
How about "I promise to keep my alternative-medicine, goofball-diet, theories unsupported by serious research to myself in the face of your rare and serious disease which I have never heard of but the specialists have, to myself, and support you in whatever way I can outside of declaring myself the world's foremost expert on your condition which can't possibly be what the doctors say it is but is the same thing that caused my knee pain five years ago..."
That would be a good one.
"How about 'I promise to keep my alternative-medicine, goofball-diet, theories unsupported by serious research to myself[.]'"
That's for the person who said, "Oh. Your cells aren't happy. You should drink green tea."
"I know that another Grooveshark will never come along and I won't try and convince you otherwise or offer bogus recommendations about sites that are 'just as good as' or 'very similar to' or 'worthy replacements.' Sometimes despair is the only rational reaction to events such as this. I feel your pain."
That's for the person who said, "Oh. Your cells aren't happy. You should drink green tea."
You love them, but sometimes they make it hard.
I liked a lot of these, but they only serve to remind me that I should write a note instead of buying a card. (I might plagiarize the card, but I should write it myself.)
" Unless someone looks you in the eye and hisses, “You fucking asshole, I can’t wait until you die of this,” people are really trying their best."
That's what Twitter is for. Check out the reaction to when Tony Snow died of cancer, for instance.
I love your last paragraph, Althouse. Love it.
"I promise never to refer to your loss as needing closure except when your pants are unzipped."
Love that quote!
Oh, yeah! Love those cards. Thanks for linking, Althouse.
As I continue on this path on my journey forward into the dark distance... [snort...giggle...snort snort snort]
I learned early on in all this that people really do not know what to say to us, but they feel like they have to say something. Their synapses have a tendency to go haywire, and they spit forth something... Just something. Best thing was to let it go by me. I got real tired of being halfway through a protocol, hairless, pale, bruised and so forth, and people would come up to me with shocked expressions, smile uncomfortably and earnestly say, "Chef, you look great!"
I went through 6 protocols.
Those cards really speak to what most cancer patients (Oh. Yeah. I'm not a victim.) would like to see from those of you in our lives. Mostly, be yourselves, not something you think you should be as you scramble for profundity.
Empathy is what the more feeling and evolved person such as myself has for those in dire circumstances, and is much better than the sympathy they'll get from the hoi polloi.
What I've learned as the spouse of a German: the whole bit of greeting cards in which you read through the offerings and choose the one with the sentiment you like best, doesn't exist there. There are elaborately artistic cards that express a generic sentiment on the front, but the giver is expected to fill in the details on the inside.
Geez, people make such a big deal about dying. Here's a clue: we all do it. I say this as one having maybe six months left before they drag me off the stage.
Do me a favor, don't send me a card.
Buy me ice cream.
kzookitty
To heck with the cards. Write an original, heart-felt, personal note. Better yet, go by for a visit.
I see your empathy cards and raise you Bunny Suicide cards.
http://www.amazon.com/Bunny-Suicides-Postcard-Book-Rabbits/dp/0452287030
Also, a note on your new comment verification system:
Asked to choose bread: sandwiches are bread but hamburgers in buns are not.
Soup includes Pho but does not include stew.
I am not a robot. Yet.
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