Althouse: "I've tried to explain my belief that a man should not be 'buddies' with another man's wife, but my wife doesn't see it and says they’re just pals."

February 25, 2012

"I've tried to explain my belief that a man should not be 'buddies' with another man's wife, but my wife doesn't see it and says they’re just pals."

"At the conference my wife will essentially be 'dating' this guy for five days. I do trust my wife completely. But this guy is single... I’m annoyed that I will be home with the boys while she is on vacation with another man. I can't ask her not to go, and I can't join her. What can I do?"

Advice?

53 comments:

robinintn said...: Just go with the opposite of whatever "Prudie" is dishing out. That woman ain't got no sense.; 2/25/12, 6:37 AM
Michael said...: Even before we married, my wife and I set boundaries.

And if either of us had this sort of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, we'd be way outside them.

It's easier to avoid temptation, than resist it and it doesn't sound to me like this gentleman's wife is trying very hard to do either.; 2/25/12, 6:49 AM
Hagar said...: Split City.; 2/25/12, 7:26 AM
Bill said...: I was going to write her to ask if it's okay to leave my toddler alone in a room with a box of sharp knives, but I think I already know the answer.; 2/25/12, 7:29 AM
traditionalguy said...: I sure hope his wife is good at using the aspirin method.

It's probably too late to be jealous and violent toward this other male.

He may just have to trust her.; 2/25/12, 7:29 AM
Bob said...: "Advice?"

Castrate yourself, carefully tan your useless and now-empty scrotum, and present it to your wife as a change purse?; 2/25/12, 7:32 AM
KCFleming said...: Whether she cheats or doesn't, has an emotional affair or not, it's all good, because she's a woman.

Rewrite this with the genders changed, and the guy is wrong again.; 2/25/12, 7:48 AM
Roger J. said...: kiss your ass goodbye--it will be easier if you have done yfoga--and start searching for a good divorce lawyer; 2/25/12, 7:55 AM
Lucien said...: Trust, but verify?; 2/25/12, 7:59 AM
Joe Schmoe said...: I read the jerk columnist's response and, like others, wondered what she'd say if the husband was the one hanging around with a female coworker. What tripe.; 2/25/12, 8:01 AM
vet66 said...: Third option is to change the family vacation plans, move them up and bring Dad and the kids along. They can amuse themselves wherever his wife is going and the single guy can babysit one night while Mom and Dad go out to dinner.; 2/25/12, 8:06 AM
Deb said...: If I were this guy, I wouldn't watch Up in the Air, either; 2/25/12, 8:07 AM
Patrick said...: I'm not sure I know the answer, but I thought her answer was unhelpful in the extreme.; 2/25/12, 8:14 AM
DaveW said...: I have the impression that modern relationships are a good bit different than they were for my generation. I guess I've gotten that impression from reading things like this linked up by various bloggers.

I don't see how the guy is supposed to be OK with this, to say nothing of why his wife wants to do it or Prudence supports the idea, unless they aren't in a monogamous relationship. If they are in an "open relationship" ala the Clintons then he should be fine with what she's doing. If not he should tell her no.

Obviously they aren't anything like what I'd call married if she is going off to spend a week at a resort with her boyfriend.; 2/25/12, 8:14 AM
DaveW said...: On the other hand, I suppose this sort of advice column could be intended to titillate for readership and the whole thing could just be a big pile of baloney.

I find it fairly unbelievable that a guy would be so dumb to even ask the questions he asks.; 2/25/12, 8:16 AM
Mark O said...: What? Who are you going to believe, me or you lyin' eyes. We're just friends. It doesn't mean a thing.

These are, as others have noted, gender specific. For one, it's the truth, when the other says it, it's a lie.

Does anyone remember that horrible book, The Bridges of Madison County? Sold like hot cakes to women because the story was about a slutty woman cheating with a drifter while her husband was away at work.

Books with men doing the same thing don't sell.

Why is all that so?; 2/25/12, 8:20 AM
The Drill SGT said...: vet66 said...
Third option is to change the family vacation plans, move them up and bring Dad and the kids along.

Having a child miss 4 days of kindergarden or 1st grade will cause no permanent harm....

Take the kids and go along...; 2/25/12, 8:23 AM
KCFleming said...: Recycled Dear Abby letters with the genders flipped and the answers determined by how the girl wins.

My advice to the husband?

Get used to it, you stupid wimp.
Oh, and look up 'cuckold' to see your picture.; 2/25/12, 8:23 AM
Steve Austin said...: Somewhat refreshing to read the comments above as I was wondering what the response would be.

Obviously the issue is with the husband and wife, but there is some culpability here on the part of corporate America. They seem to think it is a really good idea to have all sorts of after hours social activities, drunk fest parties and trips to exotic locations in the interest of bonding or whatever social tripe they come up with.

Just pay me the extra money and save the trips and all night parties at the hotel or casino. And whether male or female, find your core friends inside of your work environment. Things just function a lot better that way IMO.; 2/25/12, 8:23 AM
swampleg said...: To quote Larry of Larry, Daryl and Daryl - "Women: Can't live with'em. Can't stuff'em in sack.; 2/25/12, 8:25 AM
Steve Austin said...: ^^^whoops, meant find your friends outside of your work environment.; 2/25/12, 8:25 AM
sane_voter said...: I recommend that he gets DNA tested with his kids while she is gone.; 2/25/12, 8:32 AM
Ross said...: I agree with the above posters. The columnist was a jerk.; 2/25/12, 8:36 AM
Bart Hall (Kansas, USA) said...: I would immediately contact a domestic litigation specialist for a consultation regarding all the pertinent laws in your state. Community property states (LA, TX, NM, AZ, NV, CA, ID, WA ... and WI) can be particularly tricky, and CA is particularly awful because whilst property must be divided "evenly," the debt is to be divided "equitably" which means the man usually gets most of it.

With that attorney, develop a plan for asset protection, including detailed analysis and documentation of personal financial contributions to the marriage.

Get a paternity test for the younger child.

Hire a good PI, preferably female, and arrange for her to be at the conference.

Obtain her cell and other call records and if possible e-mails before any confrontation.

Document. Document. Document. Check with the attorney about state laws regarding recording conversations. Phone calls are probably different than recording conversations with the wife in the home, since many states require the consent of one party to the recording.

Recording almost everything at home is important because after the confrontation the woman is likely to launch a bogus VAWA action.

If adultery is proven, then before the confrontation arrange an alternate place to live in another town. Get a post office box and a personal bank account. If necessary for the divorce lawyer, drain the common bank account in order to have sufficient retainer. It can be sorted out later.

After the confrontation do not allow the woman to leave home alone with the children. If she shows no remorse and repentance, leave with the children at the first opportunity, taking all important legal documents, things of especial personal significance or value.

If the attorney has wisely prepared all the paperwork in advance, file for divorce the same day and have her served at work.; 2/25/12, 8:51 AM
Lem Vibe Bandit said...: I have no idea..

oh wait..

Enhance your performance.; 2/25/12, 9:16 AM
edutcher said...: Yeah, Prude is a jerk.

But, as for hubbo, so is he. He is almost certainly projecting.

Wife needs to smack him one and give him a lecture on the meaning of the word, professionalism.; 2/25/12, 9:34 AM
SGT Ted said...: I had tons of work relationships like this in the Army, usually the other way; I was married, they were single and we would hang out if we were on mission with each other, as work buddies. There was no threat to the marriage.

He isn't "buddys with another mans wife" He is friends with a woman he works with who happens to be married to you.

Just because women completely over-react emotionally with no thought at the idea of their man being friends with a single co-worker of the opposite sex doesn't mean that men should act that way.

Or is your marriage an Islamic one. Where your woman cannot have male friends, or if they do, a male relative needs to be in the same room?

Advise?

You sound like an insecure, emotional, jealous teenaged girl.

Grow the fuck up. Or marry a devout Muslim woman.; 2/25/12, 9:49 AM
DADvocate said...: Secretly get a job in another city. A city in an area with all sorts of outdoor activities, sports teams, and other stuff men and boys like.

While the wife is at the conference, take the boys, as many of the assets as possible, and leave. Put a note in the middle of an empty living room floor, saying "Kiss my ass and good bye" in an eloquent way.

Either that, or find a woman on the side who likes to fuck your brains out.; 2/25/12, 9:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Advice? Don't write "I do trust my wife completely" and then surround it with a dozen other sentences saying the opposite.; 2/25/12, 9:52 AM
SGT Ted said...: Advice? Don't write "I do trust my wife completely" and then surround it with a dozen other sentences saying the opposite.

Bingo!; 2/25/12, 10:03 AM
Rob said...: On the one hand, who knows what the relationship is here? On the other hand, I grew up with three sisters and no brothers and have always preferred the company of women. Apparently as a result, there have been rumors about my supposed relationships with at least three women other than my wife. All of them were my friends, and only my friends.

There IS a lot of cheating going on. I trust the research on this. However, it is a shame that having female friends is so difficult.; 2/25/12, 10:09 AM
William said...: With all the recent advances in kevlar fabrics and electronics, I'm surprised that no one has yet developed a light weight, durable chastity belt. As this letter shows, there is a market for such an item and not just in Muslim countries.; 2/25/12, 10:12 AM
Freeman Hunt said...: "—lunches together, drinks after work with their co-workers, texts and calls at home, inside jokes, birthday presents

Say what?

When it rolls around, wish her a great trip and say you and the boys will enjoy doing guy stuff. That way, instead of thinking about what a relief it is to get away from her jealous prig, she will feel that no office husband measures up to the real thing.

Ha ha ha. This advice is so terrible. So it goes.

Why did this guy write to this woman? What is it about this woman that makes people think she'll give good advice?

My advice: (1) Nobody takes a "work spouse." Ridiculous. You allowed this go go on why? Never again. (2) Five days out of school is no big deal. Really. Go and take your kids. Or go and leave your kids with grandparents or whoever is trustworthy for that sort of thing. (3) Don't write in for advice from people who give bad advice.; 2/25/12, 10:21 AM
caplight45 said...: This is one of those moments where we are supposed to avert our eyes from the obvious, applaud the new courageous emerging social paradigms of our betters and surrender our common sense.

Or just call "bull shit."

I prefer the latter.; 2/25/12, 10:25 AM
damikesc said...: That chick is insane. That dude should raise numerous types of hell. If it was a woman whose man was in that same situation, the advice would be 100% different.

He let stuff slide too long as is. You have to slam the brakes on.; 2/25/12, 10:31 AM
Joe said...: Will they cheat?

I think that boat has already sailed.; 2/25/12, 10:32 AM
Joe said...: More seriously, the problem here isn't the trip, it's the lack of respect the wife is showing toward her husband's concerns. My take is that she's already checked out of the marriage and he's now just the walking ATM machine.; 2/25/12, 10:35 AM
Wince said...: "What the fuck are you doing?"; 2/25/12, 10:38 AM
Ryan said...: we only trust people as much as we can be trusted. Maybe dude should stop cheating on his wife in the first place; 2/25/12, 10:42 AM
Petunia said...: He obviously DOESN'T trust his wife. Maybe he has good reason, or maybe not.

He should go along and take the kids. It's not like missing a week of kindergarten or first grade is going to have a lasting impact on the son's education.; 2/25/12, 10:44 AM
Freeman Hunt said...: we only trust people as much as we can be trusted. Maybe dude should stop cheating on his wife in the first place

Heh. That is classic cheater logic.; 2/25/12, 10:50 AM
Freeman Hunt said...: My husband and I have varied friends. Some of the married ones hold to the old, traditional, no intimate opposite sex "buddies" model of marriage. Other hold to the new, progressive, men-women-what-does-it-matter, "It's all about trust, baby!" model of marriage.

Marriage and life in general seem to go more smoothly for the former group while continuous conflict and upheaval seem to dog the latter.

Actually the more I think about it, the more I think that the key to a faithful marriage is that both spouses care about honor. (Note that I wrote "honor" not "reputation.") The more a person cares about honor, the less inclined he is to destroy it.; 2/25/12, 11:00 AM
shirley elizabeth said...: I was baffled when a female friend of my husband's from before our marriage thought it was perfectly okay to invite him to go on a day trip with her to six flags with an extra ticket she had. On the day that turned out to be our first anniversary. She had no suspicion that it might not have been a good idea.; 2/25/12, 11:39 AM
Anonymous said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 2/25/12, 12:20 PM
Freeman Hunt said...: It's not always fresh. There's a big difference between "You're a real bastard!" and "Sixty years ago, you were a real bastard!"; 2/25/12, 12:27 PM
ark said...: The question is false on its face. If he trusts his wife completely, he shouldn't be worried about her trip.

Come to think of it, he has problems even if he doesn't trust her completely. What's he going to tell her, "I don't want you to go on this trip because I don't trust you?" How likely is that to improve the outcome?; 2/25/12, 12:38 PM
victoria said...: Seriously, it's a business trip, not a vacation. If he cannot trust her for 5 days he is a moron. Trust me, whatever they can do in a warm climate they can do in a hotel in the middle of winter. If she hasn't done it yet, the likelihood that she will do it with him there is slim to none.

No man is irresistible.

If I were her and miles away from the kids and the hubby, I'd probably order from room service and watch all the girlies stuff i couldn't watch at home. Cuddling up with a burger, a glass of wine and Downton Abbey sounds good to me.

vicki from Pasadena; 2/25/12, 1:20 PM
n.n said...: Serenity now!; 2/25/12, 1:27 PM
Synova said...: Anyone who *intends* to be faithful should avoid emotional cheating at all costs. But what we're told is that it's quite all right to be best buddies with anyone, that there is no risk in that.

Prudie did point out one thing that's true, and that's that those other relationships don't have the romance killers of screaming kids, bills, taking out the trash, and everything else.

So what happens is that the person you're supposed to love is associated with everything unlovely and stressful about life, and the fellow (or gal) who listens so well to your trouble and heartache is never going to be part of an argument about the bills, or who has to pick the kids up from day care, or who has to change a diaper or clean up puke or mow the lawn.

I've seen it on the silly MMORPGs. You don't want to tell the person you sleep with that your idea of fun is pretending to be an elf married to a barbarian, *unless* the person at the barbarian's keyboard is also in your bed. Nothing good ever *ever* happens as a result of those "pretend" affairs.

Same with work. Same anywhere.; 2/25/12, 3:30 PM
ALP said...: This is a fascinating issue - I am a woman in a relationship going on 22 years. I have always had platonic male friendships, even while single - all during my youth. I believe it comes from wanting to have a brother (but having to settle for a younger sister) and being the oldest and closer to my father than my mother. This has not changed throughout the duration of my decades-long relationship with my male partner.

Maybe one of the reasons I have not had any issues is that it is IMPERATIVE that these relationships with men outside of my relationship are utterly devoid of sexual attraction. I am very fond of my male friends, but the thought of getting physical with them is simply not on the table. Even the slightest hint of attraction would find me not pursuing a friendship, or ending one quickly. It is the very LACK of this attraction that makes for a comfortable friendship. I already put energy into my primary relationship - I want EASY relationships with friends - unrequited feelings make for unnecessary complexity.

My male friends, especially the married ones, have been instrumental in getting me over rough patches with my partner. How? By giving me the male point of view of the issue. 90% of the time, issues with my relationship have been very common "male vs. female" matters, where the problem is ME not fully grasping how my female point of view prevents me from understanding where my partner is coming from. Most of the time, talking to my female friends only further entrenches me in the female point of view and does not offer any insights that help my understanding.

Finally, years of "South Park" and Comedy Central has destroyed any respect I ever had for the PC point of view, which is highly offensive to most women, especially in ultra-liberal Seattle and environs. What I really appreciate about my male friends is that I don't have to censor myself, or worry about offending tender sensibilities - a constant issue with my female friends. I get really weary of having to explain my love of "Family Guy"! Sometimes my own gender makes me want to tear my hair out.; 2/25/12, 3:39 PM
KCFleming said...: I would date ALP if we weren't both already married.

I keed, I keed.; 2/25/12, 3:54 PM
Almost Ali said...: Men: If you remember that women have no boundaries, you'll be fine.; 2/25/12, 10:03 PM
Ralph L said...: Carolyn Hax gives much better advice.

It is possible the wife truly isn't attracted to the coworker, in which case she'll be in for a nice surprise when he puts a move on her.; 2/26/12, 12:02 AM