"There will be high security tonight when Sarah Palin shows up to watch daughter Bristol perform on 'Dancing with the Stars'..."

Watch with me? It's on in a few minutes.

7:02: Wow! Crazy lights! Crazy cleavage! And now, the stars must walk down stairs! They seem powerfully challenged by the stair walk. Margaret Cho — tee hee, Margaret Cho is on — pretends to trip, probably to be funny, but maybe because she was going to trip anyway and needed to fake it. Bristol is all bundled up in a weird spangled gray blazer. Hasselhoff is here — representing the dissolute. Florence Henderson is here — representing the geezers. Is Bristol a "star"? She's identified as a "teen activist," which I guess she was, as a walking (dancing) anti-sex counterexample.

7:12: Audrina Patridge has sexiness going on here (judge points crotchwards) and beauty going on here (judge points facewards) and they aren't really connected. But she's got just the right body for the show, we're told. So... giant breasts. I think dancers look better with small breasts. Actually, they look more connected.

7:15: The NFL guy (Kurt Warner) says he has big shoes to fill (a past winner was an NFL guy), and I note that Warner has tiny feet.

7:25: Kyle Massey, an actor. So far, I'd never heard of any of these people. Massey shimmies and gets his moobs all jiggly. The lady judge acts like that gets her hot.

7:35: Rick Fox. A basketball guy. Never heard of him. Sorry, I FF'd that.

7:40: Next is Margaret Cho. "You're doing it like you're sitting in the bathroom doing number 2," her partner informs her, helpfully. She's got a gold pleated cape that she suddenly unfurls into a vortex as the music hits the chorus: "We are the champions, my friends." Then, she gets comically tangled in it, and her partner "saves" her. Oh, it's hard to pull off comical dancing. I don't think that's for beginners. But this is the only one I'm watching straight through. Maybe because I like the song. Ugh, she falls on her ass (on purpose) to end it. We see her much-mocked mom, applauding. Oh, no, the judges had to ask if it was supposed to be comic. I think the criticism should be that you have to be really good, first, before you can pull off comedy. The judges just tell her to dance without any comic stuff. Dumb!

7:57: Oh, lord. It's a 2-hour show. Now: Brandy. Heard of her. Wholesome. Boring. I need to let the DVR get out ahead of me so I have room to FF. Haven't live-blogged a reality show in a long time. Oh, Sarah! Look what you've done to me!

8:02: Bristol time! The song is "Mama Told Me Not to Come." Because you know you can only get pregnant if you have an orgasm. The more references to Sarah, the better, they seem to think. She's going to "dress up like her mom." People only know her because of her mom. Her partner tells her: "Just have fun and go balls out." The point of the gray suit is to suddenly rip it off and be wearing a short red dress and demonstrate what is "not the way to have fun," per Mama. See? She's the activist by counterexample. The judges are pretty nice to her. Mama is not there though. But Florence Henderson is next, and she's bringing the Mom.

8:16: Flo, who is 76, is eager to show us she's feisty and talks dirty. She is not Mom, she implicitly screams. She's has pretty legs.

8:25: Michael Bolton demonstrates the principle that being able to sing does not include being able to dance. He's earnest and charming. I can see that the point of this show (which I've never watched before) is for the celebrities to get us to like them. But I don't think it's good to be the guy that made me notice that. On the plus side for Bolton: It seems much easier to be a female novice shown off by a male professional than the other way around. The guy is supposed to lead, so the structure of the competition is inherently unfair. But, as the judges admitted (to FH a moment ago), it's really an entertainment show. So, I guess, watching the big, awkward men get it together amuses folks.

8:43: What are the rules of this competition? Why is Jennifer Grey on? She's most well-known for a dancing role. And the song is a song from that movie. And her co-star in that movie recently died. And we see her burst into tears over it. "It took me back in a time capsule... and I was with Patrick." Too manipulative. Not fair. But it's entertainment. Entertainment is not fair. There's no fair in entertainment.

8:46: We are informed by one of the judges that Patrick Swayze is watching the show from Heaven. Another judge — the one that said the head and crotch of Audrina were not connected — is telling us — through tears — that there is "such a connection." Ugh.

8:53: Hasselhoff is last. He whines. He hams it up. I confess I laughed out loud. Judge Bruno: "It was like a potpourri of insanity disguised as dance."  Okay. It's over. Whew! Time for hamburgers.

ADDED: I forgot to blog The Situation. He forgot to rehearse. We're even.

AND: Hasselhoff reminds me of Lorenzo St. DuBois — Dick Shawn.