KENNEDY: You can have an AI assistant, and give them almost unfettered authority to book you a plane ticket or rent you a car or remind you to have your oil changed or, you know, buy some Fig Newtons at the grocery store.
THEO: Yeah. They're pretty, they're not bad.
KENNEDY: I love Fig Newtons.
THEO: They're okay. They're good. They're pretty. They're all right.
KENNEDY: I think they're awesome.
THEO: Sometimes they're great.
KENNEDY: Fig Newtons are better than sex. Not really. Not really. Not really. I take it back. But I like Fig Newtons.
KENNEDY: Fig Newtons are better than sex. Not really. Not really. Not really. I take it back. But I like Fig Newtons.
THEO: I mean, look, I've had some bad sex.
KENNEDY: I understand. I'm not gonna comment on that though.
THEO: And I've had some bad Fig Newtons too.... I don't like 'em when they're real warm... like they been sitting in the sun, I don't like 'em.
KENNEDY: I'll tell you what else I grew up on is Vienna sausage.
THEO: And I've had some bad Fig Newtons too.... I don't like 'em when they're real warm... like they been sitting in the sun, I don't like 'em.
KENNEDY: I'll tell you what else I grew up on is Vienna sausage.
THEO: Ooh God... makes my neck hurt.
KENNEDY: I'd go fishing, take Vienna sausage.... In fact, if you run out of worms or crickets, if you can get the Vienna sausage to stay on the hook, I've caught many a brim and catfish with Vienna sausage.
THEO: You can catch a girl in Avondale with a couple of them too. I know that, bro.
KENNEDY: That never worked for me, man....
THEO: That was a good reference though, wasn't it?
KENNEDY: That was damn good. That was good. I can tell you're a Louisiana boy.
THEO: You can catch a girl in Avondale with a couple of them too. I know that, bro.
KENNEDY: That never worked for me, man....
THEO: That was a good reference though, wasn't it?
KENNEDY: That was damn good. That was good. I can tell you're a Louisiana boy.
Posts
47 comments:
That was a very enjoyable interview.
"Fig newtons are better than sex."
Senator John Kennedy is a national treasure.
I haven't met any girls, in Avondale or elsewhere, that could be caught with a Vienna Sausage. Maybe by a Polska Kielbasa, but not a Vienna Sausage.
Both of those guys are so instinctively funny and they make it seem as though all of Louisiana is funny.
AA - Louisiana folk are the most colorful of all 50 states.
Yer darn tootin', I like Fig Newtons!
“You can catch a girl in Avondale with a couple of them too” sounded like a Steely Dan lyric on first read. Still kinda does.
Wow, this sounds gay as hell. Men engage in frivolous or meaningless talk with women! Not men. It is our way of saying "I love you and trust you with my unfiltered, quirky self." Senator Kennedy is allowing his inner child to come out and play with someone he trusts will reciprocate with warmth and understanding. Gross. Another gay, closeted Republican. At least its better than the pedos in the Democratic Party.
Not crazy about Theo's stand-up, but his free form stuff is epic.
I can believe Fig Newtons are better than sex where you end up getting hit in the head with a hammer.
Before I ran into a short interview that Theo had with Ella Langley, I'd never heard of him.
Would you rather get hit in the head with a hammer by a male prostitute or a Door Dash guy?
Sorry, I see it was just a snippet of a longer podcast.
Apparently the spam filter doesn't like the word for sex worker that starts with P.
I have never lowered myself to eat a Fig Newton. I have, on the other hand, lowered myself to....
I grew up in Louisiana and was actually at LSU when Theo Von was there, and when Senator Kennedy was an adjunct professor at LSU. Theo Von and John Kennedy's humor is very much a south Louisiana sense of humor. The stories and off color, situational humor, word play is a kind of lingua franca in that part of the world. There is also a working class vulgar yet sweet banter there that wouldn't fly in most of America, but is not taken as offensive down there.
to answer the question, that i'm sure at least one of us had..
on earth, it takes about 6 and half (6.58) fig newtons to generate ONE newton of force; that means that ONE fig newton is only 0.152 Newtons.
In OTHER WORDS, you are TOTALLY ALLOWED, by Newtonian Physics*; to eat 6 fig newtons without disturbing the time/space continuum
https://www.reddit.com/r/theydidthemath/comments/5fxszo/request_how_much_is_1_fig_newton_of_force/
Newtonian Physics* How many Fig Einsteins can you eat?
DON'T!
^ This only works in Earth's gravity (9.8 m/s^2).
Theo Von the producer: Run to the light… run to the light.
“Both of those guys are so instinctively funny and they make it seem as though all of Louisiana is funny.”
As Beavis and Butt-Head would say, “Uhhh…….OK.”
…we used to fight with our Texas neighbors over proper pronunciation- The Texas consortium hit VIE-EEN-UH hard while we were the VEE-EN-UH reps. Went on forever. I’ll say at the end I was persuaded but not committed…
…here’s the tricky part…
Corn, meet Pone.
The last, essential, step in any dish involving Vy-enner sausage is: feed the sausages to the dog.
Theo cracking up Sebastian Maniscalco. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl6mTl0xun8
Joe Bar said...
"..^ This only works in Earth's gravity (9.8 m/s^2).."
obsolutely! in free fall (zero g) you are allowed eat an UNLIMITED number of fig newtons without ANY weight gain..
again, this is for Newtonian Phyisics.
according to Einsteinian physics, eating an unlimited number of fig newtons would be a BAD IDEA
nuclear Figs? i asked grok (because i'm lazy)
on fig newton is 15.5grams, IF we Could do a total conversion..
Quick Breakdown (E = mc²)Mass m = 15.5 g = 0.0155 kg
Speed of light c = 3.00 × 10⁸ m/s
c² = 9.00 × 10¹⁶ m²/s²
E = 0.0155 × 9.00 × 10¹⁶ = 1.395 × 10¹⁵ J ≈ 1.40 × 10¹⁵ J
Everyday ComparisonsEquivalent to the energy in ~387.5 gigawatt-hours of electricity (enough to power a typical U.S. household for ~35,000 years).
Roughly the explosive energy of ~334 kilotons of TNT (about 25× the Hiroshima bomb).
grok TOLD me, that it'd be "better" to just eat the cookie
“obsolutely! in free fall (zero g) you are allowed eat an UNLIMITED number of fig newtons without ANY weight gain..
again, this is for Newtonian Phyisics.
according to Einsteinian physics, eating an unlimited number of fig newtons would be a BAD IDEA”
It’s a matter of mass and volume. Newtonian physics says you will explode due to increasing volume long before you reach sufficient mass to implode into a black hole according to Einstein. Both scientists would therefore recommend moderation, although for different reasons.
As for the proper pronunciation of Vienna, there’s no such thing, you provincial bumpkins. The capital of Austria is Wien, pronounced “Veen”, as any Veener will tell you.
Gilbar, that's why you don't go to Grok for value judgements.
I like fig newtons, but I haven't checked them out since I went low carb. Likely they wouldn't be on my diet.
If you like theo a-okay with me but if you aren’t one of theo’s tribe going on his show looks like homeless outreach…
Fred Drinkwater said...
"..Gilbar, that's why you don't go to Grok for value judgements.."
absolutely!
i'd Hate to think what grok would have to say about the value of the Meetinghouse (March, 1945) raids.
a friend went to Japan a few years ago; and when he came back, he was amazed with how clean and new ALL their cities were!
I told him; "urban renewal, courtesy of the 20th Air Force!"
Hands down the funniest man in Congress. But he's smart, serious about policy, and he listens carefully to all sides. I so wish he were President.
Spiros, you apparently know nothing about Sen. Kennedy. He may also be the smartest person in Congress and certainly one of the most emapthetic and idiosyncratic. Affordable healthcare and fighting government corruption are his passions, and his legal and fiscal knowledge are probably at or near the top among his peers. He's not afraid to challenge his own Party and is widely admired. He earned a law degree at UVA, Order of the Coif, and a second law degree at Oxford. He is married and deeply socially conservative, though he works well across the aisle. What did fig newtons ever do to you?
“She said she loved me but I knew she was lying, ah-hah-hah
Felt like an Arab who was dancing through Zion, ah-hah-hah
Don't call no doctor when you just feel like crying, ah-hah-hah
It's all da-da-da-down to goodnight Vienna”
Hey, Spiros. Greek soldiers were always known for their loyalty and the fact that they would never leave their brother’s behind.
"Bob Boyd said...
I can believe Fig Newtons are better than sex where you end up getting hit in the head with a hammer."
Fig Newtons, or Hillary. Your choice
Rachel Levine?
Chatgpt
What percent of American fig consumption occurs via Fig Newtons?
Worked for 33s
There’s no official published percentage, but a reasonable estimate is about 30% of American fig consumption occurs through Fig Newtons.
The rough calculation:
Americans consume approximately 34 million pounds of dried figs annually—about 0.1 pound per person, according to USDA-based figures. (USDA ERS data)
Nabisco reportedly sells roughly 700 million Newton bars annually, though the figure is older and may include some non-fig varieties.
Each bar weighs about 28 grams and likely contains approximately 20–25% figs by weight.
That implies around 9–11 million pounds of figs used in Newtons.
So the defensible answer is roughly 25–35%, with 30% as a useful midpoint. It could be higher if the frequently quoted figure of one billion Fig Newtons annually is accurate. (Newtons production history)
Does having a fig newton during sex double the enjoyment?
Where does Carville on Louisiana Humour Scale?
@hanuman--
Carville is a Cajun ("Coonass"). They're rated on a different scale.
Water moccasin
Coonasses have terrific senses of humor and wit, too. Kennedy was raised in Zachary, north of I-10, which as everyone knows, makes him a northerner, but not a Yankee. And by definition, not a Coonass.
Some of my fondest professional memories are from working with Coonasses both in Louisiana and overseas. They are resourceful, 'can do' people. But don't cross them.
Saying there's no life north of I-10, while a decent indicator, is a bit of over-simplification. You can get some damn good Coonass gumbo all the way up to Hwy 190 in some spots (Opalousas, Eunice and Grand Coteau - home of Jesuit Boot Camp, are on my list.).
The give-away is what's IN the gumbo. If tomato, the Idiot Los Angeles Lady in charge of fire-fighting would say, "You got yourself into a wrong place."
FWIW. I served some with boudin and oysters to my adopted 3-generational family of Mexican women last night (three English speakers - Granny and one other are a No). None had even heard of gumbo. All demanded more!
On the fine dining front, my life's ambition has always been an invite to the Breaux Bridge Celebrity Crawish-Eating Contest..
While not widely known. I think interest would soar if they could get Joey Chestnut to take his hot dog eating act to the party and substitute Vienna Sausages!
Maybe a side-show "Fig Newton Challenge" featuring Joey and Senator Kennedy. Add Sydney Sweeney and Mrs. Obama to pass the inclusive test.
In the way-back, I met Cajun artist George Rodrigue one morning in, I think, Henderson, Louisiana. This was before the blue dog became the BLUE DOG. Could have had one for several zerros short of serious money.
Bought a local cookbook from a shop next door, instead. Only a heartless Kraft Mac & Cheese-eating fool could pass on "Who's Your Mama? Is she Catholic? Can she make a roux?"
Ran into Rodrigue years later when he opened a gallery in Carmel. He didn't remember me, of course but laughed when I recalled our previous meeting and said I probably got more pleasure from the book. He also gave me a simple charcoal sketch of The Dog, signed - to me. About 5 X7.
No longer have it. I am not one of those people who hopes for sudden death. There are a few scores to settle...
Carville used to be a very funny coonass. The he became a bitter one. Just around the time he began wearing open-toe, leather man-sandals with no socks on the Sunday news shows, and you could watch his toenails grow and curl under his toes by the week. I could no longer hear the words coming out of his mouth. He made me gag. His creepy wife was doing the same.
There are sartorial things in this life even worse than man-shorts.
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