24 జూన్, 2026

"I was drowning, while all the other moms I interacted with seemed to be blissfully skipping through motherhood."

"'It must be me, I thought — I’m just not a natural mother.' She realized she was anything but alone after receiving her 'first random comment,' she said. 'That comment led me to that reader’s blog,' she added, 'and from there I discovered a whole world of moms. And these moms, unlike any I’d met before, actually understood me! They struggled and shared the same frustrations.' In addition to doing her own venting, Ms. Smokler provided those mothers a forum to anonymously confess their taboo thoughts and experiences...."

From "Jill Smokler, Who Blogged as Scary Mommy, Dies at 48/A mother of three, she turned a whim into an online powerhouse, sharing a warts-and-all look at parenting that attracted millions of readers" (NYT). (Smokler died of glioblastoma.)
వీరిచే పోస్ట్ చేయబడింది Ann Althouse వద్ద 7:36 AM
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29 కామెంట్‌లు:

Jamie చెప్పారు...

I've never heard of her until recently when, of all things, I started shopping for Merino wool clothing for our travels. All of a sudden I was inundated with ads from her and could not figure out what the connection was between travel clothing and someone who called herself Scary Mommy. I still don't know - I never clicked on the ads.

It's very sad that a mother of 3, however challenged she felt by the job, is dead at 48. I hope she learned that pretty much all mothers feel totally out of control at least some of the time, and that it gave her comfort.

24-06-26 8:08 AM
wildswan చెప్పారు...

If you read women's magazines from back in the day, you see that the difficulties of motherhood have always been a topic among women. It may be that Facebook pages idealize their owners' individual lives as also happens in general conversation. But in the past as soon as anonymity was reached the talk always became more honest. And family oriented sites to this day discuss family life in its variety. The difficulty this woman had was publishing her life in detail in real time for strangers to read without air-brushing it and without being anonymous. Only in our time would someone think they should publish their diary in real time.

24-06-26 8:15 AM
Shouting Thomas చెప్పారు...

Why can’t women just shut up and do their job? The constant bitching and whining is a pain in the ass.

24-06-26 8:50 AM
bagoh20 చెప్పారు...

We have two moms with 3-yr-olds in our family. They are both stay-at-home moms who worked before the babies. I don't know how they do it. I babysit for a few hours here and there, and it's tough, but I know for 100% certain that neither mom wants to do what their husbands have to, working very long hours, often away from home for weeks. And neither husband wants to be home with the kid 24/7. Thank God the sexes are different, because it would be an even worse fight if we weren't.

24-06-26 9:09 AM
bagoh20 చెప్పారు...

Where are all the men bitching about working long hours, never seeing their kids, only to have their wives take the whole check and make sure the guy knows it's not enough. You don't hear about that much, but it's in his mind 24/7.

24-06-26 9:12 AM
RCOCEAN II చెప్పారు...

I suppose other mothers found her blog entertaining and/or tittilating (sic). They could nod along in silent agreement or confirm their feelings of superority. People breaking noms and being subversive always get clicks. Its hard to be interesting while being good. Its why we have so many books about crime, rebels, etc.

24-06-26 9:17 AM
Aggie చెప్పారు...

The best thing about being a grandparent is seeing all this 'young family stress' and knowing that they'll make it through somehow, just like we did - and that it's going to go better for them, because we're in a position to take up the slack much more effectively than our own parents were, for us. That means, both in terms of time and money. And those kids are at the age when their parents are extremely grateful for any breaks provided. And I am grateful every single day to live in a place where things like this can happen. I didn't know anything about her, but RIP.

24-06-26 9:21 AM
bagoh20 చెప్పారు...

My mom lived in a much less fair time. She had 4 kids and worked full-time most of it. Men didn't do much housework back then, so she did all the cleaning and cooking after working 40 hours a week. Even though I watched it happen, I can't understand how she did it. One thing that helped, is that three of us kids were 6 years apart which allowed for the older ones to help manage the younger ones, and avoid needing babysitters. The other thing was that she was just a dynamo that never sat still. She buried all four husbands and never stopped working even in her 80's. I wish I could tell her again how much I respected her.

24-06-26 9:39 AM
RideSpaceMountain చెప్పారు...

I wonder if AI robots/maids will do anything to mitigate the American mothering-angst phenomenon, but I don't think it will.

24-06-26 9:43 AM
Dogma and Pony Show చెప్పారు...

I think there's an important distinction between merely acknowledging and expressing occasional "scary" thoughts, on the one hand, and making those thoughts the defining feature of your personality, on the other. Nobody's perfect, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea, from a spiritual or mental-health standpoint, to lean into one's imperfections.

24-06-26 9:47 AM
bagoh20 చెప్పారు...

I think something that has really changed is that most modern women have abandoned a stoicism that was once a cultural virtue, and although most would strongly disagree, it hasn't been good for anyone.

24-06-26 10:04 AM
Known Unknown చెప్పారు...

48? 3 kids? Jeez, that's rough.

24-06-26 10:08 AM
n.n చెప్పారు...

The hardest job you will ever love.

24-06-26 10:13 AM
Disparity of Cult చెప్పారు...

RIP. There was a line from "Terms of Endearment" about parenting that went something like -

"As hard as you think it is, you wind up wishing it were that easy."

24-06-26 10:28 AM
Jamie చెప్పారు...

"I think something that has really changed is that most modern women have abandoned a stoicism that was once a cultural virtue, and although most would strongly disagree, it hasn't been good for anyone."

I started to make a comment along these lines but stopped because I'd already said one thing here - but I do think this is THE thing.

What I started to say was that it felt like a vicious cycle, or perhaps "death spiral" is more accurate. At first, social media encouraged everyone to put her best foot forward, to extremes: to look perfect. Then, all the imperfect people, feeling bad about their imperfections, started to post about that, perhaps in self-defense - "The perfect people are lying. Here's what it's really like." Then, others, seeing how much agreement and attention and approval those people were getting, started to *highlight* and exaggerate and pathologize their imperfections. And now, damage is an identity.

Was it here that I was reading about that, or Substack? About mental illness being a political identity now?

As I did already say, I never read this woman's blog. But from the way it's described, I'd put her content, and her readers and commenters, in the middle of the spiral.

By contrast, on the early days there was FlyLady, whose shtick was trying to help "Messies," up to and including hoarders, lead better, cleaner, and more in-control lives. I was never close to being a hoarder, but I found her practical suggestions, and her positive attitude and insistence that everyone can do one thing every day ("shine your sink"), helpful and reassuring indeed when I had three very young kids and an often-traveling husband.

24-06-26 10:31 AM
Iman చెప్పారు...

Well said, n.n. @10:13am!

24-06-26 11:13 AM
Iman చెప్పారు...

RIP

24-06-26 11:14 AM
Peachy+2 చెప్పారు...

Defunding ICE is no different than Defunding the Police.

All moms with brains agree.

24-06-26 11:23 AM
Birches చెప్పారు...

It's best to appeal to our better angels as a mom. Our frustrations (and there are, especially when kids are little and more demanding) comes through friendships with other women. We can let our kids play together and talk it out. It works wonders!

24-06-26 11:32 AM
NKP చెప్పారు...

Maybe she was an ungrateful, self-absorbed, whinny, attention-seeking whore but she tried to be honest about it. I like that in a person, even if I don’t like the person.

A writer is at least part of who she was. Writers gotta write. Many write for themselves, not the reader (those people are in sales).

FWIW, I lost my two best friends in the last year.

One went from thinking he might need a new prescription for glasses to learning he had glioblastoma by the end of the day. The ‘book’ said he had 5-7 months and he got all seven (and wished he hadn’t.

I spent several hours a day with him. We talked, argued, laughed, fell asleep watching TV and sometimes he got violently angry and screamed some weird.shit.

One day, after he’d exhausted himself, I asked why he was directing so much hate at ME (I capitalized ME only because italics are now verboten). He quietly replied, “Because I’ve got fucking brain cancer and you don’t.”

Whatever you thought of the Scary Mommy, say a prayer for her tonight. She did not go easily.

24-06-26 11:48 AM
JES చెప్పారు...

A long time ago, I had two kids, a husband who worked long days and a very middle class home,. I felt stressed with all the kids' activity, work demands, and chores and sometimes I thought I was unhappy. Now, after reflecting on what a life full of joy it really was I wish I could go back and tell my kids how much I loved them and tell my husband how much i appreciated him.

24-06-26 12:59 PM
RideSpaceMountain చెప్పారు...

All I can say is thank God for grandparents. My family couldn't manage without them, and I understand now in ways I couldn't before just how important their role has been in childrearing throughout most of human history. Modern Western childcare systems are an aberration. I do not trust them.

An important decision is coming for my wife and I regarding schooling, and I've gotta say...I don't know if I trust italicon/the education system/italicoff either. Every month that passes I lean towards entrusting Vó/Vô with homeschooling them. They practically are already.

24-06-26 1:12 PM
FullMoon చెప్పారు...
ఈ కామెంట్‌ను రచయిత తీసివేశారు.
24-06-26 1:29 PM
rhhardin చెప్పారు...

Always in search of happiness. It's part of the marriage cycle: quest, mate tries to help, show mate that you're satisfied with him. Variously truncated like never showing satisfaction.

24-06-26 2:56 PM
Kirk Parker చెప్పారు...

Italics work just fine if you do them right.

24-06-26 3:37 PM
Howard చెప్పారు...

"I mean, I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!"

24-06-26 6:43 PM
James K చెప్పారు...

Surprisingly, there was no mention of Trump! in the article. The NYT is off its game.

24-06-26 7:03 PM
Rocco చెప్పారు...

RideSpaceMountain said...
All I can say is thank God for grandparents. My family couldn't manage without them, and I understand now in ways I couldn't before just how important their role has been in childrearing throughout most of human history. Modern Western childcare systems are an aberration. I do not trust them.

25-06-26 7:01 AM
Rocco చెప్పారు...

RideSpaceMountain said...
All I can say is thank God for grandparents. My family couldn't manage without them, and I understand now in ways I couldn't before just how important their role has been in childrearing throughout most of human history. Modern Western childcare systems are an aberration. I do not trust them.

Both of my parents grew up in a house that frequently had grandparent(s) living with them. This was normal up until then.

25-06-26 7:04 AM

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