Althouse: "I discovered right away that I really like living alone. I like experiencing the world through my own eyes..."

July 15, 2023

"I discovered right away that I really like living alone. I like experiencing the world through my own eyes..."

"... with no thought of a partner. I like myself better single than in a relationship."

Said a woman whose husband of 20 years died a few months ago. She writing to the WaPo advice columnist because she's worried that it's "wrong" that she hasn't "grieved." She gets permission to live life her own way. No need to enact a stereotype.

34 comments:

gilbar said...: should we get a pool about if she likes it Next year?

I'm assuming she's 40+ (50+?) she's probably (PROBABLY!) going to be alone for the rest of her life; 7/15/23, 6:58 AM
BG said...: My grandmother felt that way over 60 years ago. No one gave it a thought. It’s nothing new.; 7/15/23, 7:22 AM
Rocco said...: "I discovered right away that I really like living alone. I like experiencing the world through my own eyes...with no thought of a partner. I like myself better single than in a relationship...."

I am amazed at the people who think that a bad relationship is better than no relationship, or that a couple has to do everything as "a couple".

"...Said a woman whose husband of 20 years died a few months ago. She was writing to the WaPo advice columnist because she's worried that it's 'wrong' that she hasn't 'grieved.' She gets permission to live life her own way. No need to enact a stereotype."

She neatly balances out Queen Victoria who mourned Albert for the rest of her life. Although, I do think she wore black out of habit.; 7/15/23, 7:25 AM
notalawyer said...: After my wife died, I spent some time with a woman widowed about the same time. We called ourselves the smallest ever grief support group. She was grieving hard, crying a lot, and I didn't have a very hard time emotionally. We agreed that we're all wired differently. To use what I think is the current jargon, we didn't judge each other's process.

Friends, grieve however you will, as long as you don't harm others.; 7/15/23, 8:03 AM
Bender said...: There are people that come to like living alone, and then there are people that maybe just didn't really love/like their spouse after all.

If she doesn't feel as if a part of HER were suddenly missing, that an arm or leg was chopped off and no longer there, that there was now this big hole in her existence, a "now what?" response, then I suspect it is the latter first, followed by the former.; 7/15/23, 8:13 AM
Quaestor said...: No love = No guilt; 7/15/23, 8:17 AM
Ampersand said...: We are wired for selfishness, and conditioned to disguise it.; 7/15/23, 8:20 AM
rhhardin said...: She has a financial cushion, that means.; 7/15/23, 8:20 AM
Oso Negro said...: She doubtless put major effort into being a great partner for her husband; 7/15/23, 8:25 AM
Temujin said...: With an apology to 'notalawyer', she sounds like a person who was about herself to begin with and though married, maybe never actually loved it. She may have loved the guy, but when it came to living with him for years, it was too much for her. Now she's free and loving it. Maybe she was always about her? Or maybe they'd reached the point of being mostly rommates, and not so much in love as in convenience.

Reminds me of a joke. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Because they want to. Ba-da-boom!; 7/15/23, 8:31 AM
gilbar said...: Rocco said...
Although, I do think she wore black out of habit.

i Used to like dressing up as a Nun.. But i got out of the habit
{totally Not True, but i thought it was funny}; 7/15/23, 8:59 AM
Aggie said...: No scorn here, she is entitled to all the room she needs to work through this stage in her life. It really doesn't matter what her relationship was with her deceased spouse, good, bad, or indifferent. She has had a major trauma and upset in her life, and she isn't sure how to process it. I hope she finds some happiness and is able to resolve things for herself. Grief is a personal journey.; 7/15/23, 9:09 AM
Bill Peschel said...: You'll get no judgment from me. We know so little about her and about their marriage, and grieving is a very personal emotion.

I've been happily married for 30 years. For the last 12 years, we've been operating our publishing business, and have enjoyed writing books, publishing them, (marketing, not so much). We vend our books at shows, and today we're going to be interviewed live on YouTube on the Shedunnit podcast.

When one of us dies, we're going to grieve, and then we'll move on to a new stage, one without a supportive, loving, funny partner to share everything with.

I never thought this was possible until I met my wife. I never thought I would love having children (except for the downs) until we did. I wish we had more children, in fact.

But I would never say this life is for everyone. I would only say that you don't know how you'll respond until you do.

I thought about that when Agatha Christie's new biographer said (defending accusations that AC was a bad mother), "There are no bad mothers. Only mothers who have good days and bad days." This is an astonishingly stupid take, as anyone who know mothers who've murdered their children or subjected them to munchausen by proxy or deeply resent being a mother. It's no surprise that said biographer never bore children, and has no idea that they make you a hostage to time.; 7/15/23, 9:22 AM
Tom T. said...: It's amusing to contemplate the reaction among Hax's readers if a man had written in, saying the same thing.; 7/15/23, 9:29 AM
Jaq said...: I sometimes think about that line in The World According to Garp, where Garp says “Have you noticed that mom has been happier since dad died?” It kind of resonates based on some marriages that I have observed.; 7/15/23, 9:35 AM
Sydney said...: Ampersand said: "We are wired for selfishness, and conditioned to disguise it."
This.; 7/15/23, 9:43 AM
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https://reword.co/?ref=ireword; 7/15/23, 10:00 AM
Iman said...: My wife and I’ve been married for 47 years and have known each other for 54. It’s hard to imagine my life without her. Just the thought leaves me in despair. She means everything to me.; 7/15/23, 10:35 AM
Tina Trent said...: Try to imagine what solitude meant 500 years ago. 100, 50, or 20 years ago.

I like talking to strangers or acquaintances more than with most friends, with the exception of my husband and brother and one very private girlfriend.

I never feel alone around strangers.; 7/15/23, 10:35 AM
Heartless Aztec said...: Solitude is nice and if you're in a properly leveraged relationship with someone it should always be accessible - travel alone, etc. But having a "shotgun" riding in the passenger seat for the long haul is usually a good thing. A second opinion on which road to take always a good backstop when driving through life.; 7/15/23, 11:17 AM
RichardJohnson said...: A friend of my grandmother did not miss her husband after his death. She took care of him for 10 years, with little or no assistance, after he had a bad stroke. It was safe to say that she felt that his death relieved her of a burden.; 7/15/23, 12:23 PM
pious agnostic said...: The circumstances matter, right?

20 years with a good spouse with whom you left nothing unsaid, followed by a good death, and faith in the Resurrection?

Yeah, grief might not be debilitating.

I know my mother blossomed into wonderful widowhood after my father passed away. I finally got to meet the woman who my father fell in love with.; 7/15/23, 1:47 PM
cassandra lite said...: "But still, I feel something is really wrong that I haven’t grieved."

There is.

" I am not a cold or unfeeling person."

Yes, you are. You spent 20 years with the man. Doesn't matter that you weren't, as you put it, head over heels in love. Twenty years, and you don't feel anything? Lady, you're fucked up.; 7/15/23, 2:55 PM
Oligonicella said...: Even dogs grieve.; 7/15/23, 3:16 PM
Valentine Smith said...: She sounds like a simple average person. As if she were possibly conflicted for the first time in her life, or rather asking permission to not be conflicted. It’s very revealing and rather sad that she sees with her own eyes for the first time. She needs to feel sadness not guilt. It will come when she feels the first pangs of loneliness.

It’s hard to believe that there is such a thing as an average person but I am holding out hope.; 7/15/23, 3:21 PM
madAsHell said...: Her lingerie drawer is filled with “Merry Widower” outfits.

She ain’t missing nothing!; 7/15/23, 3:30 PM
madAsHell said...: Her lingerie drawer is filled with “Merry Widower” outfits.

She ain’t missing nothing!; 7/15/23, 3:38 PM
Blair said...: Marriage is very enriching and rewarding to one's life, but it is also hard work, and it eradicates the concept of oneself as a single individual. I have not been widowed, but I can understand that being single again could be a form of liberation to some people, even if they dearly loved their spouse. I don't begrudge that.; 7/15/23, 4:22 PM
Andrew said...: She said that her husband was sick, but the death was unexpected. It's possible that she experienced her grief already during his illness, and she was able to enter into acceptance very quickly once he actually passed away.

That's how it was with my father. He was sick and declining for two years. I visited him right before he passed away, mainly to support my stepmother. She had told me (after several false alarms), "this time it's definitely going to happen soon." So I was able to spend some time with him and the family, and speak words of grace and peace to him (we had had a very difficult relationship). When he finally passed away, I was relieved. A burden was lifted, and his suffering was over. I didn't cry once. I felt some slight sadness, but was able to move on quickly. I have had a far more intense reaction when friends have died at a young age.

Point being, this woman should feel no guilt. Be grateful for a healthy marriage, and move on to a new season of life.; 7/15/23, 4:30 PM
gilbar said...: cassandra lite said...
"But still, I feel something is really wrong that I haven’t grieved."
There is.
" I am not a cold or unfeeling person."
Yes, you are. You spent 20 years with the man.

i Really think the key is.. After a few months.. She hasn't grieved.. YET.
give it a little time.
When my dad passed (will be two years ago, this Thanksgiving eve).. I was surprised i wasn't more upset.
I was was shocked, relieved (he'd been "failing" for a long time), busy with details.. But Not grieving.
(kinda like her)
i felt pretty bad about that (kinda like her). Then, 6 or 7 (8?) months later, when i'd settled down into the new routines, and he was in the ground and All the details done..
One day, i saw something in the paper (or somewhere);
and thought: "i'll have to tell dad about that next time we talk".
And then realized; we would never talk in this world, again. Felt kinda odd..

Then, a little while later, i thought about some small detail (when they closed the rail line to Monmouth or something); And thought: "I'll have to ask dad next time we talk"
and REALIZED: we would NEVER talk in this world again... EVER
and i cried, for it seemed 10 minutes. My dad is GONE from this world, IF i ever see him again,
it will be up to GOD. Makes me sad as i write this.

Anyway, just because this lady hasn't grieved YET, doesn't mean ANYTHING.
Some of you may have lost close family. Did you have time in the first few months to THINK?
I'll bet you were way to busy filling out forms. That's way i said we should get a pool going..
gilbar says; 5 more months, then it will hit here.. Like a Ton of Bricks; 7/15/23, 4:34 PM
Mikey NTH said...: My mother died after a long physical decline. I grieved but not much, it was expected to happen. There's still a hurt. Dad's still here, and moved to be near me. He's active, still drives, but is 92. It will hsppen, he'll die, and I know it. Will it hurt? Yes, but it is expected.; 7/15/23, 8:03 PM
mccullough said...: Anyone who writes to a WaPo advice columnist is fucked up.; 7/15/23, 10:37 PM
Assistant Village Idiot said...: I noticed the phrase "I like" reoccurring. We all make life decisions at least partially on such things, but it still came across as rather shallow.; 7/16/23, 6:29 AM
stlcdr said...: The juxtaposition of this post vs the previous post discussing ‘loneliness’.

Seems like humans have no idea what they are and are devolving into followers of a modern version of witchcraft.; 7/16/23, 8:07 AM