"... my old gay eyes rolled involuntarily....When I came out, 20 years ago, I wasn’t worried that people might think I was declaring myself queer because it was cool – it was decidedly not cool... Last time I checked, demisexuals weren’t exactly an oppressed minority fighting for equal rights. They are just people who aren’t sexually attracted to others unless they form a strong emotional bond with them first. (Congratulations, some of you may suddenly have realised that you are not actually the boring hetero you thought you were – you are an exciting demisexual! You even get your very own flag!) Acting as if needing to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them constitutes a marginalised sexual orientation that needs a flag seems to play into the hands of rightwingers who are desperate to argue that liberals are narcissists with a victimhood complex."
From "What does the dawn of demisexuals tell us?/How sex-drenched society has become" by Arwa Mahdawi (The Guardian). Mahdawi is reacting to Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo's announcing that she's "demisexual."
We talked about demisexuals on the blog last May, here.
And here's the demisexual flag:
Now, I didn't listen to Kennedy-Cuomo's announcement, so I don't know how she framed it. Did she seem to want to be viewed as oppressed? Did she indicate that she thought demisexuals had experiences like those of gay people or that put them in a position to appreciate the special interests of gay people?
What I like about out-and-proud demisexuals is that they desire a traditional relationship not because they want to adhere to tradition but because it's exactly what appeals to them sexually. It's so easy in our culture for a young person to assume that it's good to acquire a heaping portion of sexual experience. Demisexuals present a counter-argument: Maybe you're one of those people who don't desire sex unless it's part of a relationship.
And, obviously, undesired sex isn't anything you want, even if you think you want a large portion of sexual experience and you don't care about sticking to tradition.
ADDED: Here are 15 signs that you may be demisexual. I'd say those are 15 signs that you may be a woman!
FROM THE EMAIL: Two-eyed Jack offers — as an improvement on that flag — Georgia O’Keeffe’s "Black Iris" rotated 90 degrees:
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7 comments:
Washington Blogger writes:
I read the 15 signs and it reminded me of a horoscope. Very positive, very general and could apply to all kinds of people.
1. Not a fan of physical touch? Hardly an indicator of uniqueness.
2. Feeling different? Who doesn't feel different growing up?
3. Emotional bonds. Yeah, women.
4. Specific circumstances. Most women. Hardly a rainbow worthy characteristic.
5. Prude. Yes, let's turn Victorian mores into victims more.
6. Repeat of #1
7. Is this a sign?
8. Hookup culture. I don't get it either.
9. Not horny all the time. Women again?
10. Sexually self-sufficient? Isn't that every incel everywhere, and most teenage boys?
11. Hotness. Repeat of 8 and 9?
12. Relationship. Repeat of 3, 8 and 9?
13. Flirting. see 12
14. Friends. Is this not a thing? All my friends dated friends except when they ran out of prospects and had to cast a wider net.
15. Fantasies? Can we make a category for those who DON'T like fantasies and call it demi-prude? I think that would be a more useful stripe on the rainbow.
This seems to basically describe most people from my generation except a few of the crude boys that we all disdained. So a demi-sexual is someone who wants the kind relationships we promoted before we had the sexual revolution? Or is it just a way to make the cisgendered special too? "Hey, look at me, I am all in on this sexual spectrum but my plain, vanillaness puts me at the bottom of the grievance pyramid so I gotta make my proclivities look victim-worthy."
When do the horndogs get their own flag and a stripe in the rainbow? Call it hornsexual. They can't help it if they have raging lust all the time. They were born that way.
Ted writes:
"I'm the opposite of a demisexual ("medisexual"?). I'm highly attracted to beautiful women I don't like and who aren't nice to me.
"(I'm joking, but not really -- in every spy or superhero movie, who doesn't prefer the sexy, evil villainess to the upright heroine?)"
Temujin writes:
"Acting as if needing to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them constitutes a marginalised sexual orientation that needs a flag seems to play into the hands of rightwingers who are desperate to argue that liberals are narcissists with a victimhood complex."
I am not desperate. I don't have to argue anything here. You all argue it all day, every day, ad nauseum. No one cares about your celebratory months anymore, your flags, your constant preening around both adults and children, your inserting yourselves into every movie, sitcom, drama, and tv show. Every post on every social media. Every bit of air sucked out of every room, every cogent thought tabled so that we can honor your claim to your perceived destiny, to you being you.
My God. We're all just so tired of you. We've been kind. No one in the history of the world has had so many faux honors bestowed upon them for just waking up in the morning. Please...inform us with more timely articles in WaPo, The Atlantic, and Vice. Tell me about your struggles in 2021 Western Civilization. Are you not fully sated yet with your own stories?
We are. Even the old gay men have had enough of this.
Michael writes:
""Acting as if needing to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them constitutes a marginalised sexual orientation that needs a flag seems to play into the hands of rightwingers who are desperate to argue that liberals are narcissists with a victimhood complex."
"Let's rephrase that: "...(needs a flag) confirms the insight of those conservatives who have observed that many liberals seem to be narcissists with a victimhood complex." And that we have reached the point where young people feel they have to declare themselves demi-something in order to behave as most humans have behaved since we diverged from chimpanzees. Maybe there should be a Demi-Normal flag for people who want to finish school, fall in love, get married, buy a house, raise children, do productive work, and get involved with their communities - but fear the social opprobrium of following such a lifestyle in today's America."
JPS writes:
"Mandrawi is onto something humorous here:
""(Congratulations, some of you may suddenly have realised that you are not actually the boring hetero you thought you were – you are an exciting demisexual! You even get your very own flag!)"
"But "my old gay eyes rolled involuntarily" reminds me of the punchline in an old Jewish joke. A rabbi, swept up in his Yom Kippur service, prostrates himself and cries, "I am nothing! I am nothing!" Then the cantor prostrates himself and cries out, "I am nothing, I am nothing!" And as the cantor's assistant does likewise, the rabbi nudges the cantor and grumbles, "Look at that nobody who thinks he's nothing."
:Anyway, I haven't been addressed as Reader since I read Nabokov, so that was nice."
R.T. O'Dactyl writes:
"> 9. Demisexual people don't feel the need to act on their arousal the way heterosexual people might
"In addition to telling readers about new hair-splitting states of sexuality, the author of the BestLife piece seems to be using a radical redefinition of the word "heterosexual" to exclude anyone who doesn't want immediate, casual intercourse ... people who used to be called "normal" or "monogamous" in the Olden Days."
commenter H writes:
"She went through several iterations of non-heterosexuality before settling on her current demisexuality. I think the important quote (and relevant to the article you cite) is this:
""She added that when she first came out as 'queer,' she feared she would be perceived as 'attention-seeking,' since it’s 'hip or cool to not be hetero in my liberal bubble.' " NY Post."
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