"A grown woman whose father refused to speak with her for six months at a time as punishment throughout her life. 'Her father died during one of those dreaded periods... When she visited him at the hospital shortly before his death, he turned away from her and wouldn’t break his silence even to say goodbye.' A father who stopped talking to his teenage son and couldn’t start again, despite the harm he knew he was causing. 'The isolation made my son change from a happy, vibrant boy to a spineless jellyfish, and I knew I was the cause,' the father said to Williams. A wife whose husband severed communication with her early in their marriage. 'She endured four decades of silence that started with a minor disagreement and only ended when her husband died,' Williams said. Forty years of eating meals by herself, watching television by herself—40 years of being invisible. 'When I asked her why she stayed with him for all that time... she answered simply, "Because at least he kept a roof over my head."'"
From "What You’re Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment/Social ostracism has been a common punishment for millennia. But freezing someone out harms both the victim and the perpetrator" by Daryl Austin (The Atlantic)(paywall challenge to overcome).
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I have never used the silent treatment on someone I cared about. I have had it used on me on occasion, but never really gave those instances more than a passing laugh, and those occasions never lasted long anyway.
My impression has always been that the silent treatment is given when you have deeply hurt someone by some action or word, so always take the other side's stories about this with a big old grain of salt- it was probably a two way street.
It always struck me as the behavior of a middleschool girl. Without communication how can any disagreement ever be resolved?
"She endured four decades of silence that started with a minor disagreement and only ended when her husband died".
So he started talking to her again after he died?
Cancel culture = silent treatment.
Immature, either way.
It is highly effective (and dangerous) only if the victim loves the perpetrator.
I know someone who was driven to attempted suicide after being essentially ghosted by another person and their cohorts.
It is passive-aggressive bullying.
If the victim hates the perpetrator then it is a blessing.
Other than that I have nothing to say...
The Chosen, by Potok
The silent treatment goes by many names: shunning, social isolation, stonewalling, ghosting. Although psychologists have nuanced definitions for each term, they are all essentially forms of ostracism. And the tactic is nothing new. Ancient Greeks expelled for 10 years citizens who were thought to be a threat to democracy, and early American settlers banished people accused of practicing witchcraft.
Isn't the more troubling, contemporary variant of ostracism the silencing treatment?
Social distancing. In the extreme case, it relieves real and perceived burdens, sort of, kind of.
Pathetic, in the original sense. Why do people go to such lengths to hurt one another?
"It always struck me as the behavior of a middleschool girl. Without communication how can any disagreement ever be resolved?"
Shut it down, we have a winner.
If you don't want to talk to me, I'm probably the lucky one.
The silent treatment "question" kind of fascinates me. If you give law enforcement the silent treatment you are generally thought of as wise. I always wonder about the interpersonal dynamics of the silent treatment. I can say I hate the silent treatment, but I have certainly been silent at times. I have found that I have been accused of it, but heaven knows that if I said what I was truly thinking/feeling the outcome would have been far worse.
I can certainly stipulate that the silent treatment for 40 years is excessive, at the same time, in my relationship with my mother, but for largely giving her the "silent treatment" for about 9 months our relationship would have / could have never improved due to her not respecting boundaries. I don't know, did that make me evil or manipulative, I don't know. I tend to think I get to define the dynamics for my behavior not yours.
Growing up, I quickly learned with my mother that anything I said would be turned and used against me, so talking was not always in my interest, she was uninterested in empathizing my feelings in our disagreement, so what was the point in speaking. I sure as heck was not willing to validate the way she was treating me, so why speak?
What that means though? I don't know. I know the silent treatment can be cruel, I just feel like often the dynamics in a relationship are so complex when it comes to the silent treatment it is hard to tease it all out.
silent treatment - definition
A psychological method of attack that apparently is only practiced by men despite vast evidence to the contrary.
Rule 1 for a happy life: Don’t be the victim or savior for crazy, abusive, or passive-aggressive people. Detach yourself from them as quickly and definitively as possible and don’t look back.
@Big O's Meanings Dictionary
"silent treatment - definition
A psychological method of attack that apparently is only practiced by men despite vast evidence to the contrary."
This.
You might want to consider the possibility that this is a pack of lies. It was printed in The Atlantic, after all.
Follow me here.
Rather than ostracism, the practitioner of the silent treatment is like an ostrich putting his own head in the sand.
So, rather than "ostracism," isn't the silent treatment better described as ostrichism?
This isn't just the silent treatment, this is an undiagnosed mental illness at best.
And they're giving Trump the silent treatment but his new website is up at https://www.45office.com/
Silent No More
I know the silent treatment from "The Great Brain' children's books. Not talking directly to a kid seemed like a great alternative to a whooping from this kid's perspective. I can testify that after 4 hours of the silent treatment my Samoyed's behavioral issue was fixed. What theses people are describing is long term psychological manipulation by a sociopath, not the silent treatment.
The silent treatment between spouses can work, but in a very limited way. Think of it as a cooling off period post argument, when the need to de-escalate is part of working out the issue. It might only be an hour or two, just enough to disperse the initial anger and work through why the argument happened and to allow for the injuring party to examine their position and see whether a compromise/apology to the injured party can be reached. But maybe that's too much to ask for some.
The three examples given in the excerpt were all men giving the silent treatment to others (there may be examples of women doing this in the full article, but I’m not going to try to get through the paywall).
The only example of this behavior within my personal relationships is a mutual silent treatment occurring between two of my wife’s aunts - both in their 80’s. Not only silence, but won’t attend family events if the other is there. Just sad.
My Irish mother would occasionally use the silent treatment on me. It was very effective and I hated it and that manipulation, but I loved her. When I was in my late teens, I used it on her and she never used it on me again.
THEOLDMAN
I bet the point of the article is that the silent treatment (shunning) should be a civil rights violation and the police should be involved.
The recent sensationalization of attacks on Asians included shunning! Evidently, some people didn't talk to people of Asian descent and that was being reported as an attack on Asians.
I rarely talk to anyone I don't know unless it is necessary. Some people are just looking for any excuse to claim discrimination or abuse. Americans need to grow up.
I can understand the woman wanting to reconcile with a parent, which I suspect is the reason the author placed that first. If we read about the wife staying with an abusive husband for 40 years, I suspect most would know what to do. Move on.
My motherinlaws family practiced this till their deaths.
8 siblings and 1/2siblings.
There were always shifting factions not speaking to each other. All instigated by one sister that was always spreading rumours about her siblings, and pitting one against the other(s). Like I said, they all ended up dead and mad at each other.
I refuse to live that way, although I have a sister in law, that has isolated herself, since my brother, her husband, died before he was 60. She has only one brother that had one child, and he lives half a continent away.Her two children haven't married, so no grandkids. She has cut herself out of a vibrant family dynamic that get together several times a year, outside of holidays.
Families can be a huge pain in the ass, but its worth it.
All you have to do, accept them as they are, and keep your mouth shut about stuff you have no business messing in.
My college roommate went loopy during finals, stopped talking to me, and I reciprocated. After a week or ten days, we found ourselves the only two people waiting for the elevators. Do we take separate elevators? Take the same one, but navigate the elevator/hall/front door together in silence? I stated the obvious, "This is ridiculous." He replied, "I've been in a fog." Our friendship was instantly restored, but we didn't live together ever again.
My brother wouldn't speak to my sister for eight years [money and property issues]. And he wasn't speaking to me in the year before he died [my support for Trump]. Silly and tragic, IMO. While I've never held a grudge, some seem to glory in them.
When I was a kid, the next door neighbor, a really nice man, had a crazy wife who would not speak to him. She blamed him for a daughter dying of appendicitis 30 years before because he had given her watermelon the night before. He did a lot of work on his house and I followed him all over. Wonderful man and had to put up with a crazy wife.
Interesting! I was a single dad beginning in the last year of my daughter's high school and through her college years. She did a few things that made me angry and I spoke to her directly about them. She then did something that trumped all the other transgressions and I let her know how angry I was and then stopped anything other than minimal interactions. That lasted for about 3 months. I don't know if it caused her any emotional pain, but I hope so!
Also, isn't the silent treatment similar to being shunned in the Amish community?
That's some major league chickenshit behavior.
I feel shunned by all the mask wearing people in the park. In fact, they only don the mask as I approach.
I call it the Inslee salute.
Also, isn't the silent treatment similar to being shunned in the Amish community?
'Religious' shunning is never about personal slights. It's about being out of line with the Christian teachings of the sect. Mennonites [I've known quite a few] also shun. When the person repents in front of the congregation he/she is no longer shunned. This is actually Biblical [I Corinthians 5:10-12] but not practiced in most churches. The Wokist Church practices shunning all the time, however.
I second the motion on The Chosen by Potok, a wonderful novel in which silence is a key character.
However, the silence is not absolute, the father will talk expansively with his son during religious lessons. He just no longer engages in chit chat with him.
A terrific play was created based on The Chosen. The movie failed to capture its essence, somehow.
Hmm.
I vaguely remember a show about a Japanese man who hadn’t talked to his wife in decades. Like the father here who didn’t talk to his son, this man had no reason. But over time, it became self-perpetuating. He wanted to break the silence but was so ashamed, he couldn’t talk to her because he had no good explanation why he hadn’t talked to her.
KellyM said...The silent treatment between spouses can work, but in a very limited way. Think of it as a cooling off period post argument, when the need to de-escalate is part of working out the issue.
That is pretty much how it worked with my ex. The only problem was that the silence sometimes exacerbated the tension rather than cool things down.
"had a crazy wife who would not speak to him.”
Talk about a glass half full.
Wow, can't imagine how someone could do the silent treatment for so long, or put up with it from someone else.
On the rare occasion that mrs. stevew and I have a disagreement of significance we may end up in a mutual silent period. I do this as a tactic not to say something I will regret. Eventually one of us breaks the silence and we resolve the dispute. If the disagreement were so great that one of us would consider a days or months or years long silence, I think we'd just get divorced.
Kind of like that military ship that got rammed by the freighter when Natalie and Sue were not speaking to each other.
Worse, the bridge crew were not on talking terms with the warship’s electronic nerve centre, the combat information centre (CIC), which also had access to sensors displaying what was going on around them.
https://www.news.com.au/technology/innovation/military/leaked-uss-fitzgerald-report-paints-a-damning-picture-of-a-dysfunctional-ship-and-crew/news-story/15f056f5fad65c58aa0517d9dd97ab9c
It’s funny how Wikipedia covers for them ball calling it “poor communications.”
Here’s an antidote to the silent treatment: puppets!
Make a hand puppet of the person giving you the silent treatment.
Then engage in conversation with the puppet in the presence of the person giving you the silent treatment.
The urge to step in and speak for oneself would be intense.
Ventriloquism skill a plus, but not necessary.
Ventriloquism skill a plus, but not necessary.
Wearing a mask makes ventriloquism a lot easier. :-D
Wince and Mockturtle,
😷
Well, Natalie did sleep with Sue's boyfriend after Sue had revealed that Natalie was faking her amnesia for six months.
Sorry, it wasn’t Sue, it was Sarah.
Hi, Stacy.
During the early weeks after the USS Fitzgerald was speared by a lumbering Philippine container ship, it was noteworthy that the captain and a couple of admirals were publically named, but not the actual officer in charge, the officer of the deck. (OOD) The other person who should have kept the Fitz out of trouble is the person in charge of the combat information center, the Tactical Action Officer. That individual is supposed to be monitoring the combat radar, which can detect a swimmer at a distance of two miles.
Not until a year later, when the final reports are made public and the guilty parties have been court-martialed, does the truth come out. The OOD was named Sarah, and the Tactical Action Officer was named Natalie, and they weren’t speaking to each other!!! The Tactical Action Officer would normally be in near constant communication with the OOD, but there is no record of any communication between them that entire shift!
Another fun fact: In the Navy that won WWII, the damage control officers were usually some of the biggest and strongest men aboard, able to close hatches, shore up damaged areas with timbers, etc. The Fitz’s damage control officer was also a woman, and she never left the bridge. She handled the aftermath of the accident remotely, without lifting a finger herself!
Look it up: The OOD was Sarah Coppock, Tactical Action Officer was Natalie Combs. . . .
When I noticed last year that they were doing all they could to keep the OOD’s name out of the headlines, I speculated to my son that it was a she. Turns out all the key people (except one officer in the CIC) were female!
An anonymous letter to The Other McCain that checked out.
Not quite the same thing as silence toward a person you actually might have contact with, but my stepfather had a sister I never even knew about, because he had stopped talking to her in their twenties. I learned about her from my mother about 60 years later. She had not know for most of their marriage herself. Thus I was less shocked when about a year and a few birthday/ Christmas/Father's Day cards after my mother's death he sent me a letter saying "There is no need for any of the Wymans to have any contact with the Rowleys."
We all gravitate away from some people, but severing rather than drifting can have power.
Many people are not worth talking with. Just saying.
If the disagreement were so great that one of us would consider a days or months or years long silence, I think we'd just get divorced.
My wife and I got divorced in 1987. It wasn't silence but lack of silence. You may hear that it takes two to make an argument? Not true.
Anyway, 25 years went by. We communicated but she married someone else. We had a daughter together so some communication there. About 8 years ago, we got back together. We get along better now and I will sometimes request silence. Silence can be better. It doesn't last long.
Oh, Sarah. She is the one who falsely accused Natalie's father of sexual abuse, and then was in a coma for 2 years following a suspicious accident involving a step ladder and a watermelon.
As we come out of "social distancing", it will be more and more apparent that some have decided to refuse speech to others on the opposite side of the political divide. I believe we have to "set our face like flint" on the fact of an attempted Marxist takeover in the near future. We can't "split the difference" on the principles involved. But we can be willing to talk on other topics. Shunning is psychologically difficult to do because it's emotionally ugly and strained and it's better not to be the one twisting inside. Of course, shunning is hard to take. But if you've been down at abortion clinics trying to get people to change their minds and save a precious child, then you know there are issues so important that you can accept hard words without turning on the other person. Ordinary people can do it. Getting through this time without another 1860 is a very worthwhile cause.
My husband gave me the silent treatment about five years ago. He travels all the time, one time I was out of town. He came home late Friday, I was home by early afternoon Saturday. Every time I tried to talk to him he was short. Finally by Monday I just stopped trying which made him mad. He said he was hurt because we don’t spend a lot of time together and he’d never do that to me. I pointed out it was just a month ago he’d gone on a three day golf trip with the guys using our supposedly precious time together (I’d had no problem with it, he works hard). His mouth snapped shut and he apologized and said he’d forgotten about that. He’s never given me the silent treatment again. Funny enough, he left that Tuesday. So he spent most of our time together giving me the silent treatment. I really think he was on his man period.
I belong to a group that occasionally has college age volunteers come in to help promote the cause. One day they decided they would recruit me to help them by using the hard sell. On my best day, the hard sell is the wrong approach and that had not been a good day. A week later, I would have had the time to help, but not then. I repeatedly told them "no" and why but they thought they could change my mind.
I contacted their mentor, explained my side of the story, and told him I was not interested in working with these specific volunteers.
At our next meeting, the two made an elaborate effort to ignore me. My first reaction was "you have got to be kidding" and then, I admit, I got annoyed and spent one meeting trying to make them to talk to me. Then I realized I was better off without having to deal with them and let it go. It continued for about 6 months until a new volunteer came in and ended their game.
But after 6 months of non participation, it proved harder than expected to get back into the swing of things. I had found new ways to spend my time and taken some of my contacts along with me. I still cared about the cause, but it is no longer first on my list. The silent treatment proved to be more damaging than I thought it at the time it was occurring.
I hate placid aggressive people
The silent treatment is not always passive-aggressive or an attack on another person. Often, it is self-protection.
I have an older brother who has been a skillful manipulator at a sociopathic level for all of my 66 years. After every incident of trying to manipulate me into conditions I did not want, he would come to me apologizing, that what he did was only because he loved me, and it hurt him more than it did me, and he would never do it again. But, he always did. This I learned was classic abuser behavior.
We lived apart in different countries and cities for 40 years with little contact. When we retired, we both returned to our hometown. He started out as truly helpful and caring. Then the manipulative behavior reappeared. To protect me from his aggressive machinations, I removed myself from his sphere of influence. That was 2010 and, except for brief greetings at family functions, I have not spoken to him for 11 years. I do not regret my choice or the current situation one bit. He will not change his behavior, I will neither condone it nor subject myself to it.
BTW, not just the Irish (who are famous for the Irish Goodbye, a variation on the silent treatment), but the Italians. Who hasn't heard: "My sister? She's dead to me!"
THEOLDMAN
I've associated it with Irish. A maternal aunt was prone to it and her only child inherited the trait. Last year she and my mom died weeks apart, and I was very glad they were back on speaking terms because they were so close in age and other ways.
Of course my uncle was Italian, so there's that.
I was angry with my wife once and I gave her a modified silent treatment for about a week. I didn't speak to her unless she asked me a direct question and then only the shortest possible answer. She didn't notice.
Bob Boyd? Classic as usual. You’re not getting paid enough!
I was angry with my wife once and I gave her a modified silent treatment for about a week. I didn't speak to her unless she asked me a direct question and then only the shortest possible answer. She didn't notice.
When I was about 10 years old, I ran away from home on my bicycle and was gone for, maybe, two whole hours. When back home, I was disappointed to find that my parents were watching a football game and didn't notice I was gone. ;-D
I admit, I got annoyed and spent one meeting trying to make them to talk to me. Then I realized I was better off without having to deal with them and let it go.
That's freedom, RoseAnne. :-) I won't play games with people.
Irish, huh? I had two Irish (2nd gen.) uncles that had a falling out. Both died without ever having reconciled. 20 some years, I think.
Prolonged silence can be a sign of other issues, such as an anxiety disorder or selective mutism.
I have a close relative who would shut down when stressed and not speak. Turned out she had undiagnosed autism.
Kipling Williams has studied the effects of the silent treatment for more than 36 years...
And he didn't say anything about it before now??
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