Althouse: "By freezing my eggs, I did not become any more or less likely to have things work out the way I hope they will."

February 2, 2015

"By freezing my eggs, I did not become any more or less likely to have things work out the way I hope they will."

"What has changed is my relationship to that fact. Now I enjoy the late, lingering dinner with the guy whom I have great chemistry with, even if there is no future with him. Now I end a relationship at the first whiff of ambivalence, without giving a thought to whether I could contort myself in such a way that could make it work. I blame myself a little less often for the workings of a chaotic and imperfect reality. It is a more advanced version of the decision I made at 32 — to take a risk, to know that I was okay, to believe in my right to desire more for myself, to desire anything at all."

From "The Real Reason Women Freeze Their Eggs," by Jillian Dunham.

31 comments:

madAsHell said...: There's that name again...
Lena Dunham
Stanley Ann Dunham
Julian Dunham; 2/2/15, 10:04 AM
madAsHell said...: Sorry...Jillian, not Julian.; 2/2/15, 10:05 AM
Big Mike said...: Now I end a relationship at the first whiff of ambivalence, without giving a thought to whether I could contort myself in such a way that could make it work.

Making adjustments from being single to being a member of a partnership is perfectly rational and normal. Characterizing the adjustments as contortions is not normal and irrational.; 2/2/15, 10:11 AM
MadisonMan said...: There is something distinctly wrong with that entire article, but I'm not sure I can articulate what about it rubs me the wrong way.

I am not a writer.; 2/2/15, 10:13 AM
raf said...: ... to never have to grow up.; 2/2/15, 10:14 AM
ObeliskToucher said...: I I I I I I I I I I I...; 2/2/15, 10:16 AM
YoungHegelian said...: I saw this article yesterday, and, after I read it, hard-hearted bastard that I am, I ended up with no sympathy for the lot of them.

That the author breaks up with who she admits was a perfectly decent young man over a "sense of who I was", I'm sorry, give me a fuckin' break! Not like "he hit me" or "he screwed my best friend", oh no: "My sense of who I was lacked the normal range of experience." To that young man, whoever you are, I quote to you these words of wisdom from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "Run away! Run away!"

She had her chance, and she blew it. And that attitude that she carries around with her that allowed her to so nonchalantly destroy such a gift is the reverse Midas Touch that destroys every possible relationship since.; 2/2/15, 10:23 AM
traditionalguy said...: In Saxon English (a Germanic tribe) the place name Dunham is a town's name in East Anglia. That's where many of Puritan emigrants to Massachusetts Bay originated. The town's name was used as a person's last name if he was from there.

Ham at the ending meant Home (like Boro or Ville endings).

But the ham should be pronounced umm,as in Nottingham, Birmingham, Cunningham, Windham, Durham, etc.

So these modern day Puritanical ladies come by it honestly.; 2/2/15, 10:23 AM
Ignorance is Bliss said...: By freezing my eggs, I did not become any more or less likely to have things work out the way I hope they will.

If true it is only because the chance was 0 to begin with.; 2/2/15, 10:29 AM
Unknown said...: Ambivalence is the problem alright. Calling time out on the bio-clock doesn't get to the crux of this biscuit, which is her relations with men, not with herself or the clock. She 1) can't find one she wants or 2) doesn't really want one. Some women reached the conclusion that men are disposable before they really figured out how to do without them. Young men really are worth less than ever, so I sympathize, but they didn't become worthless in isolation and apart from changes in women but rather in response to them. To have this problem and lack the long perspective to recognize it doubles the difficulty her generation faces. I trust they'll muddle through. People do.; 2/2/15, 10:29 AM
MadisonMan said...: ... to never have to grow up.

Yes. That's it exactly. Thank you!!

Someone in the article complains that the men never grow up. And here is a woman freezing her eggs so when she grows up, she hasn't really, reproduction-wise. Are we supposed to feel sympathy for her at the same time we're annoyed at the childish men she meets?

Life is all about ageing and learning to deal with things you can't do anymore.; 2/2/15, 10:50 AM
Jane the Actuary said...: YoungHegelian is exactly right. There may be issues with young men finding their place in a world that doesn't value manual labor, and the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" issue is still out there, but this is much more a case of "there is none so blind as [she] who will not see," in that she blames sleazy men, and not her own decision to dump a good man, for her current troubles.

http://janetheactuary.blogspot.com/2015/02/theres-something-wrong-with-men-in-this.html

I wonder to what extent this sort of thing (that is, her dumping her boyfriend so she could get more "life experience") happens in places where "young people these days" are clustered and live an existence solely among their peers, and simply are isolated from the realities of the passage of time.; 2/2/15, 11:11 AM
MikeR said...: Sad. Megan McArdle pointed this out a while ago: By the time she settles down, if she ever does, she won't have the energy to have or raise children.
Bad way to make a decision, by pretending to yourself that you aren't.; 2/2/15, 11:20 AM
Levi Starks said...: To be perpetually self centered.; 2/2/15, 11:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Wow, she did think she could "get life experience" while in a relationship?

The world is better off that she won't have any children; 2/2/15, 11:22 AM
walter said...: I'd be very curious how these women on a mission came across to the "dudes".

"the broad outlines were all too often the same: The dude was cagey. He acted erratically, pursuing and then retreating. He was evasive when confronted with our wants and needs, or agitated, or defensive. Sometimes he simply disappeared.
<
It's not you. None of us were responsible for the fact that so many men see relationships as a giant albatross.
<
“It isn’t you,” he said. “All day long, I see patients like you. You’re smart, beautiful, accomplished, nice. It makes no sense. I go home to my wife and I say, ‘There’s something wrong with the men in this generation. They won’t grow up.’”; 2/2/15, 11:22 AM
The Cracker Emcee Refulgent said...: Her perfect man doesn't exist and she lacks the maturity or sense of reality that would allow her to build a lasting relationship with a less-than-perfect man. I've known several women like this and, given what I've seen, she's going to die alone with her freezer-burned eggs and a passel of cats.; 2/2/15, 11:28 AM
Michael K said...: Another aspect of this is the fact, which I learned a few years ago to my surprise, that women who are smart and accomplished, when they do get married, allow six months to get pregnant and then go to fertility specialists and have multiple births. This was explained to me by the parents of a couple and then I understood why I was seeing so many women pushing twins and triplets around in strollers. They have their entire family in one fell swoop.

Maybe frozen eggs is the latest twist. She doesn't sound like the young women we were talking about, though. They are 29 to 32. She is getting too old to adapt to marriage.; 2/2/15, 11:33 AM
buwaya said...: They often don't muddle through.
As a population, they fail to reproduce and die out.

This is not alarmism or slippery slope stuff either, its happened and is happening.

There is probably, somewhere, good data for a generational analysis of the residents of wherever this lady's grandparents came from that would show the decline in cohort numbers of her parents peers and their offspring.

In the US, next to non-Orthodox American Jews, I think Yankees may be the fastest declining group.; 2/2/15, 11:53 AM
Sam L. said...: "The Real Reason Women Freeze Their Eggs,": Sure it is. Whistling in the dark past the cemetery, I calls it.; 2/2/15, 12:15 PM
n.n said...: The state established pseudo-secular Church lead by the profits of wealth, pleasure, and leisure have left women and men wandering aimlessly. It's the Peter Pan syndrome that affects affluent people in an advanced state of civilization.; 2/2/15, 12:17 PM
gerry said...: That the author breaks up with who she admits was a perfectly decent young man over a "sense of who I was", I'm sorry, give me a fuckin' break!

I wonder if that guy ever realized how very, very, very lucky he was. More than her eggs are frozen.; 2/2/15, 12:29 PM
Larry J said...: The Cracker Emcee said...
Her perfect man doesn't exist and she lacks the maturity or sense of reality that would allow her to build a lasting relationship with a less-than-perfect man. I've known several women like this and, given what I've seen, she's going to die alone with her freezer-burned eggs and a passel of cats.

She's lucky that if she's going the Crazy Cat Lady route, companies are filling the market needs of people like her.; 2/2/15, 12:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Most people go through an identity shift when their parents die. Her mom's death came at a critical time.; 2/2/15, 1:04 PM
Sebastian said...: "Now I end a relationship at the first whiff of ambivalence, without giving a thought to whether I could contort myself." Right. Because no relationship should ever involve ambivalence or contortions.; 2/2/15, 1:36 PM
walter said...: Seems like the possibility of adoption and issues of fatherless upbringing were a bit unexplored.

It's not you...
It's all about you.; 2/2/15, 2:34 PM
Chris N said...: There's a whole lot of signaling going on in the article, and my guess to be in NY Mag there can't be much upsetting current pop-liberalish-feminist-type pieties.

Gotta seem hip and with-it to get eyeballs. An independent woman making her way in the world, at home at an SNL after-party, reluctantly dragged to a PTA meeting, maybe professional gathering or a college seminar.

Maybe some vocal fry, just a little. A less barren MODO, perhaps.

This ring of cultural establishment opinioneers shall generally influence many normative choices for all kinds of women, and punish those who fall too far out of line.

Choose wisely.; 2/2/15, 4:12 PM
Freeman Hunt said...: You never know when people will get married. It will seem like it could never happen and then BAM!: they meet someone, and there's a wedding announcement. Life is full of surprises.

I hope everything works out for this woman.; 2/2/15, 5:32 PM
Carl Pham said...: In a world full of ambitious hypergamy, why would any man who's an excellent catch -- of any age -- prefer old frozen eggs when he can get young living eggs, warm and toasty in a younger woman's happily humming ovaries?

Maybe a self-hating beta, I guess. They'd totally deserve each other.; 2/2/15, 7:21 PM
chillblaine said...: "It isn’t you. All day long, I see patients like you. You’re smart, beautiful, accomplished, nice."

It must be comforting that her doctor also believes that it "isn't her."; 2/2/15, 8:09 PM
Anonymous said...: First, I'd like to say that I completely agree with The Cracker Emcee's comment.

But this line really hit me: "Now I enjoy the late, lingering dinner with the guy whom I have great chemistry with, even if there is no future with him."

Translation: "now I can go out with all the bad boys I want."; 2/3/15, 1:19 PM