Althouse: "Kristen Finch was a speech therapist who sometimes worked with kids with Asperger Syndrome..."

April 16, 2013

"Kristen Finch was a speech therapist who sometimes worked with kids with Asperger Syndrome..."

"... symptoms of which include emotional distance, inflexibility and missing social cues. Kristin and her co-workers often joked that all their husbands had Asperger's, since the symptoms overlap with stereotypically male personality traits. But then Kristen wondered—what if it was actually true for her husband Dave?"

Here's the quiz Dave Finch took. And here's the book he wrote: "The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband."

106 comments:

Ignorance is Bliss said...: What I lack in emotional distance and inflexibility I make up for in missing social cues.; 4/16/13, 9:31 AM
SGT Ted said...: "Missing social cues".

That's just girl-talk for their desire for men to be able to read minds, so they don't have to express themselves clearly and with no abiguity.; 4/16/13, 9:32 AM
edutcher said...: I got bored trying to take the test.

100+ questions?; 4/16/13, 9:35 AM
Nomennovum said...: Whatever the reason, all you need to remember is that it's always the man's fault. Science says so.; 4/16/13, 9:36 AM
traditionalguy said...: The best advice I ever got was an observation that people do not change their habits that are painless to themselves because enablers take their heat.

People only do the hard work to change themselves when it becomes more painful to stay the same than to change.

So change seldom happens.; 4/16/13, 9:40 AM
Rabel said...: Kristen Finch;

"Your best life is waiting for you. And together we’re going to find it. First, we’ll figure out what your best life is—what it looks like, what it feels like—to you. Close your eyes and DREAM BIG, because this is where the fun begins—for both of us! Coaching people towards their best life is more than my job; it’s my passion and my privilege."

P.T. Barnum knew what he was talking about.; 4/16/13, 9:43 AM
Anonymous said...: I've often wondered if many of the males here have Aspbergers, sometimes aloud.; 4/16/13, 9:47 AM
Nomennovum said...: I've often wondered about the number of dumb broads here, often aloud. I can think of one right away.; 4/16/13, 9:50 AM
edutcher said...: Inga said...

I've often wondered if many of the males here have Aspbergers, sometimes aloud.

We know one she devil that does.; 4/16/13, 9:51 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "I got bored trying to take the test. 100+ questions?"

Yeah, we did too. We got up to about 20 and it was quite obvious that what it was testing for wasn't at all what we are. But if you were saying yes to many or most of those early questions, it would be immensely interesting and you WOULD keep going.; 4/16/13, 9:55 AM
Paco Wové said...: "symptoms overlap"

"We have diagnosed your problem... it appears that you are male. Don't worry, we have a pill for that."; 4/16/13, 9:57 AM
Bob R said...: Like most mathematicians I have a lot of experience with people with Asperger-like symptoms. These symptoms are a competitive advantage if your job is to sit alone in a room and solve complex abstract problems. No doubt if we studied Psychology there would be a professor Regrepsa who would identify this cluster of people who are emotionally needy, wishy-washy, and hypersensitive to social interactions. Fortunately, partial differential equations (etc.) is enough to occupy our time.; 4/16/13, 9:58 AM
Ryan said...: What "syndrome" overlaps with "stereotypically female personality traits"?

Can you imagine a book like this, coming from a wife who is determined to "work hard" on her marriage and be better spouse, after being diagnosed upon prodding by her husband?

Is David Finch a pathetic beta male?; 4/16/13, 9:59 AM
mrs whatsit said...: And here's a book about a husband with Asperger's written by his wife.
Loving the Tasmanian Devil - Reflections on Marriage and Asperger Syndrome, by Maureen McCarthy Bartlett; 4/16/13, 9:59 AM
William said...: This is something I have long suspected. My inability to fathom the inner workings of a woman's mind is more a symptom of a neurological deficit than of any insensitivity on my part. This inability rises to the level of a disability and should be treated with compassion and respect. You don't make fun of a blind person for not being able to see, and you should not make fun of a guy who suffers from this grave affliction of being unable to read the many moods of a woman. A considerate woman would provide a wheelchair ramp for the disabled men in her life. I wonder if severe involvement with this illness qualifies one for a disability pension.; 4/16/13, 10:02 AM
campy said...: What "syndrome" overlaps with "stereotypically female personality traits"?

HEHS — Highly Evolved Human Syndrome.

Characterized by perfection in all facets of personality.; 4/16/13, 10:05 AM
Eric the Fruit Bat said...: MY RESULTS:

Aspie Score: 116 of 200
Neurotypical Score: 118 of 200
Rock-Hard Boner Score: 114 of 200; 4/16/13, 10:05 AM
Nomennovum said...: I wonder if severe involvement with this illness qualifies one for a disability pension.

No, but it qualifies your wife for alimony and child support, plus 50% of your assets.; 4/16/13, 10:06 AM
Sydney said...: What "syndrome" overlaps with "stereotypically female personality traits"?

I would have said borderline personality disorder.; 4/16/13, 10:08 AM
Robert Cook said...: "What 'syndrome' overlaps with 'stereotypically female personality traits'?"

Borderline personality disorder?

I kid, I kid!; 4/16/13, 10:09 AM
Robert Cook said...: Whoops! Two of us said the same thing! Does this make a diagnosis?; 4/16/13, 10:10 AM
Lem Vibe Bandit said...: Great... another problem I have.; 4/16/13, 10:13 AM
Tari said...: I love the assumption that male behavior is pathological - it makes parenting boys so much more fun. In fact, the 10 year old is in "group" at school - it's a social skills group run by the school social worker. I actually really like this woman because she is a great resource for inside information on how your kid is perceived at school and also where to apply for middle school (a big issue in this magnet-filled district). But the group, at least for my son, is all about "learning to talk about your feelings." I let him participate because I don't think it hurts him to learn how to better communicate in general, but it makes me laugh because it's such a feminine construct that is being forced on a very "110% boy" child. Sometimes school (and life!) is all about placating the right people...; 4/16/13, 10:15 AM
Hagar said...: Call it "Cook's Syndrome" and you are in.; 4/16/13, 10:15 AM
Eric the Fruit Bat said...: I mean, seriously, who the hell likes to have someone walk behind them?

*comforts self by rocking back and forth*; 4/16/13, 10:16 AM
Ryan said...: Excellent diagnosis!

Now let's rewrite the copy and see how it sounds:

"The warm and hilarious bestselling memoir by a woman diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder who sets out to save her marriage
At some point in nearly every marriage, a man finds himself asking, What the @#!% is wrong with my wife?! In Kristen Finch’s case, this turns out to be an apt question. Five years after she married Dave, the love of her life, they learn that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. The diagnosis explains Kristen’s impulsive behavior and mood swings, but it doesn’t make her any easier to live with.

Determined to change, Kristen sets out to understand Borderline Personality Disorder and learn to be a better wife with an endearing yet hilarious zeal. Over the course of two years, Kristen transforms herself from the world’s most trying wife to the wife who tries the hardest. She becomes the wife she'd always meant to be."

Realistic?; 4/16/13, 10:21 AM
Ryan said...: Dave's wife has an essay called "Why I Told My Husband to Quit His (Well-Paying, Secure) Job".

Wherein she "tells" her husband to quit his job as a semiconductor engineer, and demeans and makes fun of him relentlessly.

She says "one day a few years back, I gave Dave an ultimatum: I will give you one year to quit your job and become a writer. If you haven’t done it in a year, then the offer is off the table, and you’ll have to remain an engineer until the day you retire."

What kind of marriage is this, where she "tells" him to quit his job, and "gives" him a year, and if he hasn't done it, then "the offer is off the table," and he'll "have to remain an engineer" until he dies?

Bitch! How pussy-whipped can a man be. Why does he even want to save this marriage?; 4/16/13, 10:27 AM
Unknown said...: Looking at their websites, I'm almost inclined to think their schtick is all a con. Like they were talking one night and she mentioned this tendency for all of the women to impute this diagnosis to their husbands, and one of them hit on the idea of writing a book about "What if it is true?"

"Hey," the other would have responded, "I bet it would be a best seller!"; 4/16/13, 10:28 AM
Paddy O said...: "I've often wondered if many of the males here have Aspbergers"

A while back there was a Myers-Briggs thread, and the comments in that suggested a huge amount of INTJs, significantly higher than the normal population.

Which can come off as Aspergers, I think, especially to more emotionally oriented people. The key difference is that INTJs aren't unaware, they just don't care, about social conventions, and are highly opinionated.; 4/16/13, 10:29 AM
Known Unknown said...: Yeah, we did too. We got up to about 20 and it was quite obvious that what it was testing for wasn't at all what we are. But if you were saying yes to many or most of those early questions, it would be immensely interesting and you WOULD keep going.

I kept going because my brother has been diagnosed, and I wanted to see how much of it runs in me, I guess.

My Aspie score was only 50, though.; 4/16/13, 10:32 AM
Known Unknown said...: The key difference is that INTJs aren't unaware, they just don't care, about social conventions, and are highly opinionated.

I once had to tell a co-worker, without highly-opinionated people, nothing would ever get done.; 4/16/13, 10:33 AM
Howard said...: Aspie comes down to : do you walk in your toes, do you calm yourself by flexing/unflexing your hands, do shirt tags drive you nuts. There are probably a couple more key indicators I've missed.

Inga: don't worry, none of your favorite homophobic misogynistic chickenhawks have enough testosterone to be Aspies.; 4/16/13, 10:40 AM
Nomennovum said...: ... homophobic misogynistic chickenhawks ...

Talk about aspie. Dude, see a doctor.; 4/16/13, 10:43 AM
Æthelflæd said...: Ryan said, quoting Dave: "She says 'one day a few years back, I gave Dave an ultimatum: I will give you one year to quit your job and become a writer. If you haven’t done it in a year, then the offer is off the table, and you’ll have to remain an engineer until the day you retire.'"

My husband would laugh at me. What is wrong with these guys? Do they really not know that to gain a woman's respect they have to have some self-respect?; 4/16/13, 10:49 AM
JAL said...: Well our typical and humorous cynics kick in again. (Speaking of kicking in -- when did spell check kick in for commenting?)

But I am Kirstin Finch. (That's figurative, folks.)

I have worked in mental health over the years. I also have an engineering type husband.

It has only been the last 5 years or so that I began to think there really was a name for some of the hard wired patterns my husband uses as he works his way through life. It's different even that the usual joking guy / gal stuff.

I have been of the mind that he could have a degree of Aspergers, so this article and link is on point.

Now whether or not hubby will be willing to take the [non- diagnostic ;-)] test is another question. He doesn't like "authorities" on stuff he doesn't understand telling him things about himself. ;- )

(Mmm ... what was the number for that related question?)

Knowing that one has Aspergers, or that one is on the continuum (if in fact one scores more on that side) could be useful in discussion and developing strategies for helping the significant relationships. Because it can have a large negative impact on close relationships.

Because there is little self awareness it sometimes takes something like this quiz to bring it to the front.

And yes, TradGuy makes a valuable point about change. (9:40 AM); 4/16/13, 10:50 AM
Howard said...: Nomen: I'm not the one that overcompensates with a supermacho moviestar avatar image. The dirty little secret is that you *macho-men* cannot beat yourself out of a wet paper sack, are threatened by strong women and homosexuals and always complain about conspiracies that hold your kind down.; 4/16/13, 10:57 AM
Nomennovum said...: It has only been the last 5 years or so that I began to think there really was a name for some of the hard wired patterns my husband uses as he works his way through life. -- JAL

I am sure he appreciates your diagnosing him on this public board.

Because there is little self awareness it sometimes takes something like this quiz to bring it to the front.

Indeed.; 4/16/13, 11:01 AM
Æthelflæd said...: I have a friend with very severe Asperger's. His mom has helped him learn social cues by using flashcards that have different facial expressions. They have helped.; 4/16/13, 11:01 AM
Bryan C said...: I'm pretty sure that in my early to mid teens I would have been diagnosed as falling somewhere along the autistic spectrum. I recognize some of the behaviors and symptoms the quiz references. Somewhere along the line, though, I got better (from my own perspective), stopped doing those odd things, stopped being an arrogant fool, and found that I have a natural flair for social interaction.

It's my own experience that leads me to wonder how useful the whole Aspergers concept actually is. Did my brain change and grow out of it? Did I teach myself to think differently? Am I emulating a normal personality on my nonstandard neural hardware? Or are psychologists doing what I just did in that last sentence, and arbitrarily re-casting normal traits of human behavior and experiences into the clinical system of disorders and syndromes that they personally find comfortable?

Whatever the answer, I prefer me now to the me of then. I would not have benefited from being told that I was destined by my neurons to be the way I was forever, or enable people to make excuses for me when I acted like a jerk.; 4/16/13, 11:05 AM
Nomennovum said...: Nomen: I'm not the one that overcompensates with a supermacho moviestar avatar image. The dirty little secret is that you *macho-men* cannot beat yourself out of a wet paper sack, are threatened by strong women and homosexuals and always complain about conspiracies that hold your kind down.

Little dude, I guarantee you that Inga will not be giving you a handjob, so stop trying so hard.; 4/16/13, 11:12 AM
NotWhoIUsedtoBe said...: Maybe I should write a book. I have enough weird material to work from.; 4/16/13, 11:13 AM
traditionalguy said...: Social signals are an emotional tasting done from voice pitch, facial muscles, and body language.

That takes several minutes of close interaction. I suppose the INTJs and the Asbergers guys don't want to do that work coupled with their minds being else where when they need to be watching the other person in the eye.

Attachment theory is a big help in untangling these people's ways.; 4/16/13, 11:13 AM
Æthelflæd said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 11:14 AM
Æthelflæd said...: "Whatever the answer, I prefer me now to the me of then. I would not have benefited from being told that I was destined by my neurons to be the way I was forever, or enable people to make excuses for me when I acted like a jerk."

This!

Of course, I doubt that being nagged and publicly humiliated by your wife would be much help, either.; 4/16/13, 11:16 AM
Bruce Hayden said...: As a starting place here, let me suggest The Essential Difference: Male And Female Brains And The Truth About Autism by Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen (cousin of the more famous Sacha Baron Cohen who played such memorable roles as Borat). His Empathizing–systemizing theory suggests that those with Autism Spectrum Disorders (or whatever you want to call them) have extreme male brains that are high on the systematizing end and low on empathizing, which is characteristic of the more female brain type. My biggest quibble, if there is one, is that the two are not mutually exclusive - I am a fairly extreme systematizer, but score decently as a guy as an emphasizer. In my experience, the issue with Aspies and Autistics is lack of empathizing, and not necessarily extreme systematizing.

In any case, it appears that this male/female distinction is fairly deeply wired into our genes, though through assortative mating, the prevalence of systematizing can be (and probably is being) increased. And, that means that there are most likely significant evolutionary advantages to males being better at systematizing, and females at empathizing. Probably that it was advantageous for the males to think more strategically as the hunters, and females using their empathy to hold the community together. Something like that.

The problem today though is that typically male behavior and brain operation is being depreciated against typically female behavior and brain operation, and it is probably nowhere more evident than in our school systems, where males are being drugged to act more female, and grading is more feelings based and egalitarian than results oriented. But, the problem there is that this systematizing by males is one of the biggest reasons why our society is so much more advanced technologically than if it were engineered by females, since most important inventions are still being created by males, and most really successful organizations are founded and built by such. Women have founded and built very few of the Fortune 500, and it isn't because of the glass ceiling, but rather, because that is something that males are much better at, on average.; 4/16/13, 11:20 AM
Howard said...: Nomennovum
Little dude, I guarantee you that Inga will not be giving you a handjob, so stop trying so hard.

I also forgot, you self-proclaimed hot-blooded machomen project your own pathetic sexual proclivities to people who see the "man" behind the curtain.

You should know that when your pathetic avatar pops up, the flamboyant sounds of the Village People ring out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AO43p2Wqc08; 4/16/13, 11:31 AM
Nomennovum said...: ... suggests that those with Autism Spectrum Disorders (or whatever you want to call them) have extreme male brains that are high on the systematizing end and low on empathizing, which is characteristic of the more female brain type.

I dispute the contention that empathy is a female characteristic. Empathy and solipsism are not typically found together, for instance. I think the confusion arises because empathy is considered an emotion (it is not), and females tend to be more emotional than males.

Maybe women do have as strong a sense of empathy (an understanding of the feelings of others) as men, but their innate solopsism causes them not to give a shit if this understanding doesn't benefit them in some way.; 4/16/13, 11:33 AM
Crunchy Frog said...: Why is it never a woman's quest to be a better wife?; 4/16/13, 11:34 AM
Nomennovum said...: I also forgot, you self-proclaimed hot-blooded machomen project your own pathetic sexual proclivities to people who see the "man" behind the curtain. -- Howard

Your problem, little dude, is that you try too hard.; 4/16/13, 11:35 AM
Nomennovum said...: Why is it never a woman's quest to be a better wife?

Because men lack the nagging gene.; 4/16/13, 11:36 AM
Bruce Hayden said...: In my experience, the issue with Aspies and Autistics is lack of empathizing, and not necessarily extreme systematizing.

That didn't come out quite right. What I meant to say was that Aspies and Autistics are typically very high on the systematizing, and very low on the empathizing. My thoughts on the lack of empathizing is that it is a kind of head blindness, that the rest of us understand what is going on with others by relating it to ourselves, and the emotions that we experience. At least with Aspies, some of it can be learned, if you work on it. Less sure about autistics. But, I would suggest that it really has little to do with classic attachment problems, but rather, that is a symptom, and not the root cause. Rather, it is just brains that are not wired as most of the rest of ours are to recognize facial expressions and the like, and then relate them to our own. Something like that.; 4/16/13, 11:37 AM
BarrySanders20 said...: I'm pretty sure all married women need to do to improve as wives is to offer sex more frequently and with happy vigor. Compared to what women expect men to do to improve, that's a bargain.

As to the abolition of boyhood in schools, I got a call from the nearly-100 % female Catholic school about my 5th grade son's behavior. I asked what was wrong. The teacher told me he and a friend WERE RUNNING AND PUSHING EACH OTHER DOWN THE HALLWAY ON A JANITOR'S CART!

My immediate thought was, "That sounds fun," followed by wondering why anyone would be surprised that two boys would seize the opportunity of an abandonded cart and an open hallway to ride like the wind!

I dutifully said I would speak to him about that, and when I did, I told him it was impossible for me to be angry with him but he needed to know that his teachers see things differently than boys, and since they make the rules, he needed to restrain impulsive, physical fun until after school.; 4/16/13, 11:39 AM
Nomennovum said...: You should know that when your pathetic avatar pops up, the flamboyant sounds of the Village People ring out ... -- Howard

Homophobe!; 4/16/13, 11:42 AM
Bruce Hayden said...: I think that Nomennovum does have somewhat of a point, and I alluded to it above. We have long said that men are more logical and women more emotional. And, I think that on average that is inherent in the stereotypical ways that the two sexes make decisions. And, thinking logically instead of emotionally is inherent in Baron-Cohen's systematizing. The problem is that the opposite of that is not really empathizing, but rather, as just stated, making decisions emotionally instead of logically. Responding to emotional arguments instead of logical ones, etc. Rather, I would suggest that empathizing is often, but not necessarily, tied fairly closely to emotional decision making. In other words, nonzero positive correlation, versus causation.; 4/16/13, 11:48 AM
Howard said...: Nomen:I dispute the contention that empathy is a female characteristic. Empathy and solipsism are not typically found together

Sure. Imagine Hunter/Gatherer wetware. Men, to be successful, have to be empathetic because they hunt and war in groups. I assert that the cold blooded Viking and Celts are more empathetic and more successful than the hot-blooded machos of the middle east and their brethren spawned by the caliphate.

Women are responsible for protecting their kids whom they see as part of themselves: the mamma bear syndrome. Also, since women are weaker physically, they cannot afford to be magnanimous to others like a prideful male wanting to buy a round of drinks while the little woman is sitting alone at home.; 4/16/13, 11:50 AM
Wally Kalbacken said...: I'm very likely neurotypical. Sigh.

I have a good friend who is very high on the Aspberger's scale. Full ride MIT math scholarship, completed MD and JD programs. Incredibly quick mind, but prone to saying the most embarrassing things in public settings. Has been caught up in some verbal sexual harassment situations which have had real consequences for his employment, and yet, knowing him, I think it was something he had no control over. What a mixture of capability and incapability.; 4/16/13, 11:59 AM
Crunchy Frog said...: Because men lack the nagging gene.

One of the interesting things that the experiments in SSM have shown us is that marriages between two women fail at a higher rate than male/female ones.

This suggests that women don't like putting up with other women's bullshit even less than guys do. Kinda like how women don't like to have another woman as a boss.

Imagine that.; 4/16/13, 12:02 PM
Æthelflæd said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 12:08 PM
Æthelflæd said...: Crunchy Frog said, "Why is it never a woman's quest to be a better wife?"

You don't remember Marabel Morgan's "The Total Woman" and the saran wrap? There are a gazillion similar books written for women. Bestsellers.

Just stay away from the Kristin Finches of the world. See, maybe that just shows to go you that her husband really did have trouble with social cues, or else why is he hitched up to that?; 4/16/13, 12:16 PM
Nomennovum said...: All I can figure is that most of you guys complaining about the Kristin Finches of the world need to go somewhere else to meet women.

After church, school, work, the park, the beach, the gym, the grocery store, the bar, the coffee shop, Bloomingdale's, the street, in line at the post office, the deli, the vacation resorts, and OKCupid, sentient men conclude that you are all Finches, silly bird.; 4/16/13, 12:17 PM
Æthelflæd said...: Well see, I thought that was a little inflammatory, which is why I deleted it ten minutes ago. It must have taken you quite some time to come up with that eloquent riposte. Some women certainly did a number on you. I am truly sorry. That's a lot of bitterness to live with.; 4/16/13, 12:26 PM
Anonymous said...: "Why is it never a woman's quest to be a better wife?"
--------------------
"Because men lack the nagging gene."

4/16/13, 11:36 AM

Because some men have the asshole gene. Makes a person understand the lack of a partner in such a person.; 4/16/13, 12:29 PM
Geoff Matthews said...: 117/200 for Aspie.
85/200 for neurotypical.

Not too weird, but not very normal.; 4/16/13, 12:32 PM
Howard said...: Sentient men understand that they can create and influence the family, business, and social environments that surrounds them. If you think women are Eve All, maybe, just maybe that's all you can attract or perhaps that's the wall they put up in Response to the Macho. TTFN sweeties; 4/16/13, 12:32 PM
Nomennovum said...: Some women certainly did a number on you.

LOL. You have no idea what you're talking about, li'l miss passive-agressive, but thanks for the heartfelt sympathy.; 4/16/13, 12:32 PM
Nomennovum said...: Makes a person understand the lack of a partner in such a person.

I am sure someone somewhere thinks that string of words means something.; 4/16/13, 12:35 PM
Anonymous said...: NoNo, you might understand them, but I suspect you are high on the Assberger scale.; 4/16/13, 12:36 PM
Nomennovum said...: Not so high, old assburger.; 4/16/13, 12:39 PM
Anonymous said...: I may be old at 61, but I have no problem attracting nice old men, who I don't have to direct, they know exactly what to do.:)

Try modifying your Assberger tendencies NoNo, maybe some hapless woman will give ya a twirl.; 4/16/13, 12:44 PM
Seeing Red said...: Via Insty, too perfect!

CHANGE: Former Volleyball Star Gabrielle Reece Ignites Controversy With Marriage Advice: Being ‘Submissive’ Is a Sign of Strength. “If you want to have that dynamic where your guy isn’t like, your chick — guess what? You better give him some love.”; 4/16/13, 12:44 PM
Æthelflæd said...: " LOL. You have no idea what you're talking about, li'l miss passive-agressive, but thanks for the heartfelt sympathy."

Well I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you insist that you were a misogynist jerk from birth, well, who am I to say differently?; 4/16/13, 12:52 PM
Alex said...: She said assburger, hehehehehhe; 4/16/13, 12:55 PM
Nomennovum said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 12:57 PM
Nomennovum said...: If you want to have that dynamic where your guy isn’t like, your chick — guess what? You better give him some love.

I can see why wisdom that, until relatively recently, was imparted to every woman before her marriage day would be controversial.

Now every women's magazine teaches women to hold out on sex in order to get what they want from their husbands. Yet, despite this reasonable advice to Western femaledom and the perfectly fair divorce laws we have, men are becoming less and less willing to marry.; 4/16/13, 12:57 PM
Nomennovum said...: She said assburger, hehehehehhe. - Alex

Of course, she misspelled it. Hehehehehe.; 4/16/13, 12:59 PM
Robert Cook said...: "We have long said that men are more logical and women more emotional. And, I think that on average that is inherent in the stereotypical ways that the two sexes make decisions."

Perhaps "we have long said" this but it's unlikely. If anything, I would guess the reverse is more probable, to the degree there is any real substantive difference between the sexes in this regard. Artist Paul Cadmus, (a gay man, which I mention as it may have bearing on his observation in this matter), said he found woman on the whole to be more "hard-boiled" than men.

Rather, men learn (or are trained) to hide their emotional selves and develop a facade of being logical, while woman tend to be less apt on the whole to hide or suppress their emotions.; 4/16/13, 1:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Those men who can't deal with the give and take concept in a marriage, SHOULD NOT marry.; 4/16/13, 1:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Ryan: What "syndrome" overlaps with "stereotypically female personality traits"?

Heh - I think it would be great if some guy put out a self-help book treating the most annoying "stereotypically female personality traits" as pathologies, and outlining a 12-step program to overcome them. Put "PhD" after the author's name (whether he has one or not), package it in the "self-help" format, and commission some illustrations from the no-talent bliss-ninny graphic artists currently employed by contemporary chick-periodicals. And viola!...

1) target demographic hit (population subset "female devourers of self-help books" heavily overlapping with or identical to population subset "females with annoying stereotypical personality traits").

2) public service performed

3) profit!

Ah hell, I should just write it myself instead of stereotypically expecting a man to do it for me.; 4/16/13, 1:02 PM
Anonymous said...: NoNo dear, it was not misspelled, it was a play on the word Aspberger, but being high on the Assberger scale, you naturally missed it, lol.; 4/16/13, 1:02 PM
Anonymous said...: I've often wondered if many of the males here have Aspbergers, sometimes aloud.

4/16/13, 9:47 AM
-------------; 4/16/13, 1:03 PM
Nomennovum said...: You have reading comprehension issues, nurse. "Assberger" =/= "assburger."; 4/16/13, 1:09 PM
Nomennovum said...: Rather, men learn (or are trained) to hide their emotional selves and develop a facade of being logical, while woman tend to be less apt on the whole to hide or suppress their emotions.

Wholeheartedly agree! Humans are the only animals on the planet where behavioral differences between the sexes are not innate!!!; 4/16/13, 1:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Shana: My husband would laugh at me. What is wrong with these guys?

That's exactly what my husband says when reading this kind of stuff (from either sex): "What the fuck is wrong with these people?"

And furthermore: "Why are fucked-up people always the ones giving out the advice? Even when they're still completely fucked-up and clueless? And when they manage somehow to become 1% non-fucked-up, they think they're fucking sages, even though they're still 99% fucked-up? You ever see non-fuck-ups like us giving out advice? No."

Man has a point.; 4/16/13, 1:27 PM
Æthelflæd said...: "Man has a point."

+1 to the Man; 4/16/13, 1:33 PM
Æthelflæd said...: For relationships between the sexes, I don't think you can do better than to go to Jeeves for advice.; 4/16/13, 1:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Actually we all spelled it wrong, should be Asperger, so you would be an Assperger. Assberger or Assburger sounds better.; 4/16/13, 1:48 PM
Anonymous said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 1:50 PM
Anonymous said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 1:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Berg means mountain in German, BTW.; 4/16/13, 1:58 PM
Commuter said...: Because some men have the asshole gene. Makes a person understand the lack of a partner in such a person.

----------------------------------

You have one?; 4/16/13, 2:51 PM
Mel said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 3:34 PM
Mel said...: I am that odd creature known as a professionally diagnosed adult female with Asperger's Syndrome.

My husband is a SAINT for putting up with me. I am NOT a good friend, although I have some good friends.

I work HARD at making myself function in YOUR world. I DON'T think like you. I will NEVER think like you. My mind is different. I use most of my energy trying to be a good wife and mother and some days I fail miserably. My house is often messy, because I work harder at people than housekeeping.

April is Autism Awareness Month. Autism speaks. Are you listening?; 4/16/13, 3:42 PM
Bruce Hayden said...: Mel - could we talk? Or with your husband? I have a somewhat similar situation with a woman with Asperger's.

My email address is: bhayden@computer.org; 4/16/13, 4:06 PM
Dust Bunny Queen said...: The questions were stupid and pretty obvious what you should answer or not answer.

Stupid question. Do you have a hard time finding a new place? Well.....not if I have directions or a map. DUH.; 4/16/13, 4:34 PM
Dust Bunny Queen said...: Nevertheless

My score

Your Aspie score: 87 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 115 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits

Whatever that means.; 4/16/13, 4:36 PM
Dust Bunny Queen said...: I mean, seriously, who the hell likes to have someone walk behind them?

Yeah!! Really. And especially when it is an annoying mime trying to make fun of you. Just turn around and pop him one. Was that anti social.

Other questions about what do other people think about how I act or something. How should I know? and why should I care?; 4/16/13, 4:46 PM
Æthelflæd said...: By the way, Asperger's as a diagnosis will be going away when the DSM-V is published. It will just be labeled a mild form of autism.; 4/16/13, 4:47 PM
Mel said...: DBQ - I can't find it with a map and directions. :-) And no one likes having someone walk behind them, but I get totally freaked out by it unless it's my husband. Or maybe my oldest brother on a good day.

Shana - yes it will and I think that's a shame. I'm not a disabled autistic and there are some.

Bruce - I emailed you.; 4/16/13, 4:53 PM
Dust Bunny Queen said...: @ Mel. I have been semi diagnosed as mildly Aspergers (it does run in my family) and probably have been able to mask the deficiencies on the social side of it better as I get older. I think the symptoms are worse or just stand out more, as children, since you haven't learned by trial and error how to 'fit in with the natives'....so to speak.

I'm a very visual person, so going to a new place in the city I NEED directions or a map. I get very nervous without it. Mapquest is my friend!! If I see it once, I remember it. Strangely, this is not a problem when I am outdoors, hiking or hunting since I use trail markers or landmarks.; 4/16/13, 5:12 PM
Anonymous said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/16/13, 5:15 PM
Crunchy Frog said...: Because some men have the asshole gene

Which would quickly go away if stupid women would stop falling all over themselves to get knocked up with it. Every time I hear "My boyfriend/husband is such a jerk," I want to yell back at them SO WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM, YOU DUMB TWAT???

Men marry women expecting them not to change, and women marry men expecting them to.; 4/16/13, 5:47 PM
Ryan said...: Anglelyne: I love your idea, but what woman would buy it?

And I totally agree that these egocentric nutcases should not be giving anyone advice.; 4/16/13, 6:04 PM
Ryan said...: Women like asshole guys. Or, that's who they choose to fuck anyway.; 4/16/13, 6:06 PM
Teri said...: Crunchy Frog said...
Why is it never a woman's quest to be a better wife?

You know about the never/always fallacy, right?

Nomennovum said...
Because men lack the nagging gene.

I think you're joking, but nagging is a learned behavior. My mother was such an extreme nagger, and it was so harmful to me emotionally I was determined to not nag.

I have been successful at training myself not to do this, but it has been an arduous course to learn to remind - because that is a useful behavior.

It had been a hard boundary to learn. It took many times of my husband and children missing and forgetting things for me to have the courage to remind, and to obtain the wisdom to know the difference.; 4/18/13, 1:53 PM
Teri said...: Ryan said...
Now let's rewrite the copy and see how it sounds:

"The warm and hilarious bestselling memoir by a woman diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder who sets out to save her marriage
At some point in nearly every marriage, a man finds himself asking, What the @#!% is wrong with my wife?! In Kristen Finch’s case, this turns out to be an apt question. Five years after she married Dave, the love of her life, they learn that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. The diagnosis explains Kristen’s impulsive behavior and mood swings, but it doesn’t make her any easier to live with.

Determined to change, Kristen sets out to understand Borderline Personality Disorder and learn to be a better wife with an endearing yet hilarious zeal. Over the course of two years, Kristen transforms herself from the world’s most trying wife to the wife who tries the hardest. She becomes the wife she'd always meant to be."

Realistic?

Yes. I didn't have BPD but I was extremely neurotic and a shrew. I didn't like my husband very much, but we had three small children. After thinking it over, I decided that I didn't want a divorce and I didn't want him to leave me, and therefore I had better stop being such a bitch.

I did. I didn't become less neurotic overnight, but I did learn how to act with more kindness and stop constantly criticizing him - and wonder of wonders, after a while he did the same thing. After that it wasn't so hard.

We've been married 30 years and have many friends who are amazed at how well suited we are for each other. Even ones that knew us way back when.; 4/18/13, 1:59 PM
Teri said...: It was hard, but it wasn't as hard.; 4/18/13, 2:00 PM