What song was #1 on the day you were born?

It's easy to look up. In fact, it's easy to look up and click through to iTunes to download. In fact, I'm listening to Patti Page sing "The Tennessee Waltz" right now — that's how old I am.

And when you know your song, you can divine you fate through popstrology. According to Ian Van Tuyl:

Popstrology is no parlor game; its methodology is elaborate and broad—the book ["Popstrology"] is almost four hundred pages long. Van Tuyl identifies forty-five constellations (Lite & White, Mustache Rock, Shaking Booty), and, for each No. 1 artist (or “birthstar”), he provides a chart, which maps the birthstar’s signature qualities on a matrix of sexiness, soulfulness, and durability, among other variables....

Over a pint of Guinness in a bar on upper Broadway, Van Tuyl, who is thirty-eight years old and married to a sociology professor, considered a number of personages whose names had been in the papers. To do so, he had to expand the boundaries of the popstrological era, which, to orthodox practitioners, covers only the years from 1956 to 1989—Elvis Presley to Richard Marx. Apparently, many people over the age of forty-nine still hold positions of influence in the world.

First up, Michael Eisner and Robert Iger; Iger had just been named Eisner’s successor as the C.E.O. of Disney. “Michael Eisner is a Glenn Miller,” Van Tuyl said. “His birth song is ‘Moonlight Cocktail.’ Glenn Miller’s a bandleader, he’s an executive, but, more to the point, he died in an airplane over the English Channel. He didn’t leave on his own terms is the point. I mean, the guy was the Elvis of 1941 to 1943. So there are unbelievably strong career implications for Michael Eisner. And Eisner’s career accomplishments have been huge, but the fact is the children of Glenn Miller may not choose the way they go out.”

“Iger,” he continued. “Iger is a child of Patti Page. His birth song is ‘Tennessee Waltz,’..."

Hey!

"... but she was also ‘How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?’ She was a bright, shining, thriving target for rock and roll to knock down. On the other hand, this woman sold records well into the sixties. I would be surprised to see any child of Patti Page showing any kind of revolutionary innovation. Probably stewardship is something Iger could aspire to.”

Dammit, Van Tuyl. Shut up.