Says Jennifer Weiner, quoted in "For Jennifer Weiner, biking is a coping mechanism — and a plot point/On a Saturday in D.C., Weiner shows how committed she is to one of her favorite pastimes while talking about her new book, ‘The Breakaway’" (WaPo).
That might — must? — be intended to represent a greater generality. I'll put some effort into creating the generality, and I'm intentionally intersecting with the recent debate about what it means to "be" a woman/man or to "feel" like a woman/man.
Men are the people who see when someone needs help and stop and help/Women are the people who trust that when they need help, help will arrive.
Or maybe: Men are the people who donate work to women who don't even ask for help and may not really need it/Women are the people who trust in their power to capture the labor of men.
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My husband runs his own appliance repair business. Plenty of times he's gone to a house where the man tore down a machine and left a mess because he had no idea what he was doing. He's also been to houses where the woman, with a little coaching, is ready to jump in and fix her own machine.
What's despicable is a competent woman pretending to be "clueless" in order to manipulate a man into doing the work.
This is not news to men...most learn by their 20s that you cannot, should not, must not judge a female book by its cover. Some women (e.g., pregnant or with child) are fully dependent on men and grateful for assistance. Some women are...opportunistic and selfish and manipulative... Conversely, some men want the women in their lives to succeed while others use, abuse, and exploit them.
Case by case.
In the words of Morrissey circa 1984:
How can you stay with a fat girl who'll say, oh
"Would you like to marry me?
And if you like you can buy the ring"?
She doesn't care about anything
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William,_It_Was_Really_Nothing
Heheheheh….she said weiner…..
JSM
There are moments you simply say "it is what it is" and get on with your life. If you fight human nature, there's a strong chance you get crushed by your opposition.
I talked a woman through a tire change last year, so it was a stop and help but she did it.
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”
Men have been the object of selective breeding by women for hundreds of thousands of years.
She has no hope a feminist woman will come along and fix it for her?
And how would she feel if one did?
Turns out. Fish really do need a bicycle.
Generally speaking, men will offer help to anyone who looks like they need it. They may be more inclined to conclude that a woman looks like she needs it, and there will sometimes be sexism in that determination. But if she’s deliberately portraying herself as needing help, “playing into sexist tropes” then she’s manipulating men’s decency, undermining women’s equality, and kidding herself about her motivations to escape the reality that she’s a bad person.
I should clarify my comment by noting, she's not a bad person because she accepts help she doesn't need. The men are happy to do it and go away feeling good about themselves. She's a bad person because she justifies her behavior by belittling and disrespecting people who are talking time out of their lives to make her life easier.
Civilized men stop and help. Pre civilization men stop and rape.
Civilization is good. The left shoukd stop trying to kill it.
In the neighborhood Facebook page, a woman reported that her A/C went out and wanted assistance. A man explained that it was likely the start-up capacitor that failed, she could buy one at the nearby hardware store, and replace it in less than an hour. Despite the very clear and detailed instructions, she refused and wanted a “handyman” to come fix it. She was willing to pay, so I’ll give her credit. But she was unwilling to resolve her discomfort herself.
Capture is too harsh and pointed. Garner might be a better word.
In their hearts, at some level, women are all takers.
back when my sister (with a BS in Mech Engineering, and working for GM) was in her mid 20's..
She had a flat tire, and was opening the trunk to get out the spare..
When i guy came up, said; "I'll take care of that for you, Missy!" and he changed her tire.
When she told us at dinner that night, i asked her WHY she let him? Wasn't she offended?
(My sister changed her 1st car tire when she was about 12 years old)
And she said: "I opened my mouth to tell him i could do it myself, then looked at my skirt and nylons; and thought: IF he Wants to get dusty and dirty, WHO am I to stop him?"
When he was done, she thanked him and drove off to work to make diesel engines .
When *I'VE* had flats (both on bicycles and on cars), guys Usually stop to ask ME if i need help?
I'm usually already dusty and dirty so i usually smile and say "No thanx! you could watch for traffic maybe?"
Women assume that men asking if they need help are Sexist Pigs..
Men assume that men asking if they need help are Just being helpful..
corollary:
Women assume that a man explaining something THEY understand better are SEXIST ASSHOLES
Men assume that a man explaining something They understand better are just ASSHOLES
The men helping her aren't naive. They know exactly the game being played. This is a form of flirtation.
Obviously the two need a counselor to explore their emotional relationship . Good Samaritans are being abused by people in need. We also must fund a 50 billion dollar a year Federal Agency to make this generosity outcome Equal…or Reparations apply.
My farmer friend says, “I’ll believe men and women are equal when I see a woman stop by a stranded motorist to help fix a tire.” I’m sure in the history of the world it’s happened but we all know it’s true, Kate’s comment above notwithstanding.
"A women needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle repairperson."
Female privilege.
You go girl, weaponize the decency of men, get you some free labor!
They want to "control your body" so why shouldn't you exploit their tendency to want to "help?!"
In most other situations a person would feel some shame about taking advantage of others but this is a brag pretending to be a complaint--look at what I can get men to do for me, aren't I a stinker?
The old formulation was "women have rights, men have responsibilities." Don't worry, though: right after they giggle about how easy it is to get things from men they'll complain about how oppressed they are and what a burden it is to be a woman.
The As Good As It Gets line about conceptualizing women as men without reason nor accountability is, in the generality here, half right: it's not an unknowing choice to rely on/get by on "the kindness of strangers."
The social dynamic at work in this case goes back to the idea of reciprocal obligations, but of course these days that concept can't be supported--after all women insist they want equality. Someone who actually cared about being treated equally would feel shame at allowing someone else to take care of their problem, wouldn't they?
“ "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”
Exactly. It’s not a good way to live not a good strategy at all but women may fool themselves into thinking they’re doing well this way. It seems easier than being active and maybe there’s pleasure in perceiving yourself as feminine and lovely in some way but as in the play, it’s a tragic set up
“On one hand, I feel bad that I’m playing into sexist tropes, but on the other hand, if you want to change my flat tire for me, I’m going to let you.”
On the one hand, I feel bad that she calls this little game a sexist trope, but on the other hand, she plays the game in a way that everyone wins.
She gets her tire changed and is valued as a woman, he gets to be a petit héros and is valued as a man.
When I was riding a bike, I never carried a tire replacement or repair kit. If I'd had a flat that couldn't be fixed with pumping in more air, I would have just picked up the bike and started walking. Fortunately, it was a very light bike.
Women manipulate men with their sex instead of doing it themselves? Who knew!
I have stopped and changed flats on a few occasions in my life- all were either female and/or elderly. I was always happy to do it since I am very quick and efficient at doing so. I don't really care if some of them were taking advantage of me.
“ In their hearts, at some level, women are all takers.”
Please note that the way I’ve framed the generalities the women are simply aware that they have this capacity. They don’t need to use it and moral people don’t use it.
“ and moral people don’t use it.”
Unless you truly need help. Or unless the person helping you really does benefit from giving the help and you are aware of that and intending that benefit.
Leland: "But she was unwilling to resolve her discomfort herself."
Maybe so. But the one-hour DIY project takes time. It can fail and turn into a two-hour project.
The technically adroit underestimate the anxiety of error-prone dummies. Combine the value of time with the cost of stress, and seeking outside help may be perfectly rational, gender-neutrally.
As the comments illustrate, real-world feminism operates on the assumption that women are special: equally equal, sure, when it comes to rights and rewards and nice opportunities, special when it comes to all the accommodations and considerations and avoidance of not-so-nice jobs that they so richly deserve.
Offering to help a stranded bicyclist is common etiquette among those of us who ride road bikes regularly. I have stopped on the side of the road to drink water and many riding by have asked if I need help. Changing an inner tube after a flat is no easy chore. The last flat I had resulted in calling my wife and she picked me up.
"and moral people don’t use it."
An admission, oblique, unintentional or otherwise, that most women aren't moral.
I've had guys stop and ask if I needed help when I was at the side of the road and I'm certainly not a pretty girl.
Men are more willing to help a stranger, IMHO. What I think is unfortunate are those who seek to turn this into a bad thing. This society will rue the day it decided to attack its men.
Well done, Ann. That was funny. There's probably a Freudian generalization as well. Maybe a Jungian one too?
Men, in general, make an effort to learn how to fix things. It's a matter of personal pride. It's also a fundamental way men impress other men.
Hmmmm... with the best will in the world, it's not possible to fix a flat tire on a bicycle without a pump, a patch kit and some tire irons. So, anyone offering to fix your flat is carrying those items, either because he is a fellow bicyclist, or because he is hoping to encounter a woman with a flat tire.
How'd you get the flat? A tack? Were there others on the ground?
Men are more willing to help a stranger, IMHO. What I think is unfortunate are those who seek to turn this into a bad thing.
What I see is it's being turned into an obligatory thing.
Men must help women because ... patriarchy.
Women need not be grateful to men who help because ... patriarchy.
Leland,
Unless the neighbor was planning on standing next to her while replacing the capacitor he is, as we used to call them in the trade a "dolt". (in the 70s and 80s I had a master HVAC/Refrigeration license)
First of all, I can think of half a dozen things besides the capacitor that would cause the compressor not to run (stuck compressor, bad switch/relay/thermostat, burnt/chewed wire...)
So if she replaces the capacitor and it doesn't fix it she is out $20-30 since she can't return it. Ditto if she buys the wrong one. They tend to look similar.
But assuming it is the capacitor and she does buy the right one capacitors are dangerous. They store a high voltage charge even when everything is disconnected. Unless it is properly shorted before handling or even disconnected, one can get a helluva jolt. (I speak from multiple experiences, even after I thought I had shorted them) It probably won't kill her but it could knock her off a ladder and is painful.
And did she remember to unplug the AC unit before working on it? That is one of those pretty obvious things to many guys and gals who are handy. Not so obvious to guys and gals who are not.
I think the woman in question absolutely did the right thing. Though I wonder if a handyman is really the right person to call for this job? I think I would want someone who knows their way around AC units. And a licensed tech may be legally required in some states/municipalities.
John Henry
I can't figure out myself or my wife, I sure can't figure out all women.
I am sure I could change a tire on my car if I had to.
OTOH, I am getting into late middle age (74) and if some youngster stopped and offered to help, I would never say no.
I don't think I could ride a bike far enough to even get a flat tire.
John Henry
"if you want to change my flat tire for me, I’m going to let you"
"I am woman. Hear me roar!"
Yep, got it.
Okay, lefties, lets go over this idea that there are no differences between the TWO genders and all that stuff about athletics.
Okay, lefties, lets go over this idea that there are no differences between the TWO genders and all that stuff about athletics.
Okay, lefties, lets go over this idea that there are no differences between the TWO genders and all that stuff about athletics.
"Men, in general, make an effort to learn how to fix things. It's a matter of personal pride. It's also a fundamental way men impress other men."
Personally, I just find it damn useful.
John henry said...
First of all, I can think of half a dozen things besides the capacitor
i haven't looked inside a AC for at LEAST 40 years.. BUT!
do they just plug in to sockets now? Or..
Isn't she Going to need a soldering iron? and (THE RIGHT!) solder??
AND! know HOW to solder???
Between the Condenser (see how OLD i am?), the soldering iron, the solder..
(AND! the screw driver(s) and/or socket wrenches and sockets she'd need...
(AND!! the ladder? ))
PLUS her time and gas to go to the store(s) At LEAST twice (you ALWAYS have to go back)...
Are we Really Sure, that she wouldn't have been better off getting someone to DO it For her?
A few years ago someone gave ma a free scooter. When I got home, I was having trouble getting it out of the back of my truck by myself. Some guy was driving by and got out of his car to help me.
Many men like to offer assistance when they see that it's needed. And it doesn't matter if the recipient of the help is male or female.
Women help men, too.
In that situation of a car with a flat tire what would a transwoman do? Change her own tire but not change the tire of another woman? I really don't know if that's true but that's my guess, because I agree with what that farmer friend of M Jordan said. And transwomen want to be seen as women but they probably aren't going to wait for some man to stop and help.
I've changed my own tires and I also had men stop and help me. I certainly appreciated the help when I was stranded and trapped in a gravel turn out in Monument Valley. I offered him, a Native American man, my little hand shovel but he preferred to use his bare hands to dig me out. I've also had women ask for jumper cables and then give me grief as if I don't know how to use them, preferring to believe any random man. I've always been "handy" and I think it's common sense to know how to fix what you can. I leave the hard stuff to the experts. But all my life I've been around women who believe that it's not feminine to know how to use tools and don't even try to do the simplest things. That behavior has been changing I thought. Lots more women want to know how to do things for themselves to avoid the feeling of being powerless and dependent. But apparently this isn't changing as much as I thought.
"Many men like to offer assistance when they see that it's needed. And it doesn't matter if the recipient of the help is male or female."
Yup. I came to post the exact same idea. I'm a guy and I love to bike and fix bikes. I will stop to help any fellow biker irrespective of where they all on the male/female spectrum. Jennifer Weiner shows us that her sexism is born of ignorance and/or a desire to provoke. Stupid, useless cunt.
" But if she’s deliberately portraying herself as needing help, “playing into sexist tropes” then she’s manipulating men’s decency, undermining women’s equality, and kidding herself about her motivations to escape the reality that she’s a bad person."
Yup. As I said, a sexist, useless cunt.
Jeepers, why make it a sexist thing? Some people like to help others & have the skills to do so; others don't and/or don't.
Some people like to be self-sufficient (up to & including some individual level of interest &/or contents of toolbox), and some don't. It's not necessarily a guy/girl thing, especially in a world of YouTube videos on every fix-it topic under the sun.
I'm a 70+ year old, live alone, and when I took up bicycling for exercise some years ago (hip joint pain = no longer able to walk for exercise), I took a free flat-changing lesson at a local bike shop, because ... why not?
I carry a spare tube and tire levers and a bike multi-tool in an under-saddle bag, and a mounted small air pump on every ride (I ride mostly on paved bike paths, 25-35 miles/week.)
There's nothing more frustrating than getting dressed for a nice summer-morning bike ride, only to find a flat tire waiting for you. Or picking up a goathead burr on a ride, with no helpful fellow riders in sight. If you can't fix it yourself, who ya' gonna call? Flatbusters? :-)
I've helped women in various ad hoc situations, some big deals, some not. Recently, although the issue hasn't arisen, I've thought about not helping a lone woman without a lot of witnesses--then somebody else would have helped, I suppose--preferably women of my own family.
Gilbar,
I had to stop and think a bit about your use of condenser. I've changes AC condensers in the past but never with a soldering iron. I was thinking of the heat exchanger.
Yes, I am old enough to remember condensers but too young to remember the word ever being used for capacitors other than in ICE ignition systems. It used to be a routine thing to change the points, rotor, distributor cap and condenser on a car. Thank goodness those days are gone. OTOH: I was going to change the sparkplugs on my 2011 Hyundai (after 150,000 miles). I got my plug wrench and other tools together, opened the hood, spent a couple minutes looking and closed the hood. I could not even find the sparkplugs. Sure, I could have found a YouTube video to show me how but I figured if it was that complicated, I'd let Manny, Moe and Jack take care of it.
Are you old enough to remember when radios and TVs had valves in them?
Re connections: Pretty much all connections in all appliances I've worked on used spade type connectors that just slip onto the capacitor and other terminals.
https://www.elecdirect.com/media/catalog/category/Disconnect-Terminals.jpg?quality=80&bg-color=255,255,255&fit=bounds&height=300&width=300&canvas=300:300
I've never used a soldering iron unless I was doing something weird and JerryRigged.
John Henry
"I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers...."
John Henry
first, i WAS being snarky when i send "condensers" i never even thought about the actual workings of an AC.. Next time i'll refer to Leyden jars* by their modern name of capacitors
Pretty much all connections in all appliances I've worked on used spade type connectors
again, thanx! it Still seems like it'd be a lot for a neophyte to deal with (as You said)
Are you old enough to remember when radios and TVs had valves in them?
not me! they were ALWAYS tubes (as i type, i'm looking at 3 different tube amps (on for the hi-fi, and two Fenders (a 3 tube MusicMaster Bass amp, and my pride and Joy: a 1980 Twin Reverb (10 tubes.. 4 6L6's)
Layden jar* Yes, that would be snarkiness Right there!
I see more gender similarity than difference on this. Men help women, and women help men, at least the better sort of each sex do. We help in different ways, and we help imperfectly, but the mutual helping is written into our DNA. It's why we keep pairing off.
There are a wide variety of motivations for these types of male behavior. Most of them can be generalized to the behavior of pigeons in one of those BF Skinner experiments in which it is demonstrated that variable reinforcement reward schedules are most likely to yield the most durable behaviors.
I like to help and would offer it. Now with an A/C unit, no, that's out of my league.
One story I was working at Camp Dearborn and came across a pair of kids walking their bikes. One had lost a nut on the back wheel. Ihad some nuts and tools in the truck, fixed it for them and they went off. I would have done the same if I was in my car with the same equipment.
You help others if you can because you should, I think it is just being a decent person. Sure there are users, and you get to know who, but that shouldn't kill the impulse to help.
It may help if they're braless.
Helped a carload of young men change a tire just last month. They were obviously clueless, it was 100+, and they had a kid in the car. Can't just leave them there.
I've changed bike tires for men and women, put chains back on their bikes back when I road a lot.
I've changed car tires for women and the elderly, all that stuff.
Because it's what decent human being do, and I've made a conscious choice to be a decent human being.
However, as this story shows (as so many show), whatever the LibDemFemPorgs claim to believe, they'll declare it to be a first principle to them...just as long as it's convenient for them or their streetcred. All their Racist This, Sexist That, and Evil Patriarchal Something else go out the window when it conflicts with their other whims or perceived needs. I was married to a Fundamentalist Feminist, I know of which I speak.
I will be crass and tell the truth--men, in the primitive lizard brain, do things often for women in hope of obtaining sex. I'm not saying they actually think about it. I think it is just more of the male vibe and testosterone.
My spouse equivalent won’t even open her own car door if I’m around.
But then again, she also won’t let me clean.
and is pretty hot, so there’s that.
"Tragic Set-Up" is a great description of Jennifer Weiner.
I read one of her novels. One was enough. A codswallop of self-glorification, self-pity, imagined victimization, and seething contempt.
Not what you want in a paperback. Or real life.
Some years ago coming home from work there was a van off to the side of the road with a woman and a couple of younger kids standing outside the van. I stopped, she said she had a flat and had tried to get the wheel off but failed. The problem ultimately was the wheel cover looked like a regular wheel but until you got the cover off, you couldn't undo the bolts. Anyhow, I got the cover off, removed the bolts, but the spare on and voila, the van was ready to go. The lady was so very grateful, offered me some money, which I declined and then insisted, really insisted, that I was an angel sent by God. [ Sent by God maybe, but no saint].
I've got to say; she really made me feel good about my help - that was very nice payment in and of itself.
Glen Reynolds, over at Instapundit:
"And if you’re like some feminist professors, after a man donates a couple of hours of his time to help you without recompense, you’ll write an article saying he was probably a rapist."
From Crack's blog
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12456991/I-tried-sofa-didnt-need-man-help-got-pinned-underneath-firefighters-rescue-me.html
"What's despicable is a competent woman pretending to be "clueless" in order to manipulate a man into doing the work."
Speaking as a man, if a competent woman wants to pretend to be clueless in order to have me come over, talk to her, help her out, and fix something I can fix, she is paying me a compliment. And I might get her phone number.
I am puzzled at people who think the Mating Dance is despicable. How else are men and women supposed to interact, except with an exchange of compliments, nice little gestures, acts of kindness, and perhaps a bit of playacting where a prince on a steed rescues a damsel in distress? You want we should be robots?
When I was riding a bike, I never carried a tire replacement or repair kit. If I'd had a flat that couldn't be fixed with pumping in more air, I would have just picked up the bike and started walking. Fortunately, it was a very light bike.
At the risk of being accused of both mansplaining and argument from authority (I've ridden over 40,000 miles on bicycles), if it could be fixed with pumping in more air, it wasn't a flat tire, it just needed air.
I've had to call to get a ride three times, once when I had a blowout that was so bad it put a hole in the tire as well as the tube and it couldn't be patched, once when I didn't have good enough tire irons to get the tire off of the rim so I could patch the tube, and once when I was riding about 40 miles home after turning in a car at the end of the lease. It was late May, when it can be 80 during the day here and 45 or colder at night. It started to rain, was about 50 degrees, I was just wearing lycra shorts and a jersey and I could feel my core body temp start to drop.
"https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12456991/I-tried-sofa-didnt-need-man-help-got-pinned-underneath-firefighters-rescue-me.html"
Sofa power >>>>>> "GRRRL POWER!"
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