The columnist, Miss Manners (in WaPo), though the letter-writer was imagining more negativity than the hosts really intended to express.
But I'm interested in this comment. It continues:
By the end of the first year, I forced myself to travel alone to a foreign country. I was planning to eat in my room to avoid the discomfort of sitting alone at a restaurant. Once again, I forced myself out to a lovely restaurant near my hotel. I dressed up nicely, did my hair and makeup, and put on a killer pair of shoes. When I walked into the place the host said "One?" I nodded. Seated at my table (they put me at a good table, not an out of the way one near the kitchen or bathroom, thankfully, which can happen to single diners). The server looked at my face and asked me if I was okay. I told her it was my first time dining out since my husband's death and I was finding it harder than I thought I would. I asked if I could take my meal to go. She said, "No. You deserve this night." She said something to the rest of the staff. I was treated like a queen for the evening. First, they brought me a glass of champagne. Then they said that, with my consent, the chef would choose my meal. Everything and everyone were wonderful. People can be kind and thoughtful. After dinner, the staff came over and thanked me for trusting them to help with this first milestone. I cried, with joy and appreciation. Because of that incredible experience, I can proudly enter a restaurant and say, "Table for one, please," and enjoy my meal with pleasure. (p.s. It was in Rome, Italy. Sigh.)
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I've never understood the "dining alone" hang up. Is it a woman thing? Is it generational?
Bravo.
People can be wonderful.
No restaurant host/ess is trying to shame you by asking if you're only one. It's just basic table math.
Also, this comment looks highly unbelievable. I've been to Italy and no one there is this nice to a stranger. Pfft.
Very nice story...
It was in Rome, Italy….of course it f-ing was. Italy is the sole socialist “western” country I would reside; temperate climate, great culture, food, drink, people……I could go on….I also very much enjoy that you find these gems (that I most assuredly would never have found), so thank you m’aam.
Going to a movie theater alone has always been my hang-up, which makes little practical sense. Probably because I always viewed moviegoing as a social event.
Never had a problem eating alone. Usually ask if they serve food at the bar, because that way you can socialize.
Sounds like this woman was subconsciously working through her grief. The staff handled it well.
“ I've never understood the "dining alone" hang up. Is it a woman thing? Is it generational?”
My guess is that it is a woman thing. I have literally done it thousands of times. Bring a book, or more recently, an iPad along, and nobody bothers you. No desperate women trying to pick me up - even in Scottsdale, where they abound.
For the women here, is the difference because so any women fear to be seen without a guy? Or without girlfriends?
Ann, suggest you fix the beginning. It sounded like the writer had died previously -- "my young husband died bereft".
If I dine out alone I always go to a restaurant with bar seating, and sit at the bar. There are often others sitting at the bar who are happy to chat. Sitting alone at a table is more isolating. Of course if you prefer not to chat with anyone perhaps a table is better, but there's no reason to feel uncomfortable if that's what you prefer.
She's a beautiful girl. He's a handsome boy. Match maker, match maker, make me a match.
That story made me realize how dusty it can get in here.
Good on that lady for having the courage to step back into the world; good also on the staff of that restaurant for having such awareness and grace.
What a lovely experience.
Rome gets so many tourists, the service people must get jaded. It's such a nice surprise when people go out of their way to be kind.
When I was a business consultant I often travelled solo. The first few times I went alone to restaurants, I made sure to bring a book because I felt uncomfortable. After a while, it was no big deal. Every now and then, a waitress would flirt and make my day.
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never thought I'd be writing to you...
"I've never understood the "dining alone" hang up. Is it a woman thing?"
I treated myself to a nice dinner once at a hotel and was followed home. Guys get weird ideas when they see a woman by herself.
Gave him the slip by turning off my headlights and ducking down an alley.
This was in Las Vegas tho, home to countless creeps and weirdos.
Somehow it doesn't surprise me that it was the Italians who knew how to treat her. I don't know why I say that, but it just seems appropriate to me.
Not the usual advice column b.s., def true this time. "Killer shoes" validates.
Few things I enjoy more than bellying up to the counter at a diner for breakfast by myself, taking my sweet time and bottomless coffee, reading the news and daydreaming. I might stay 2 hours of it's not busy and the weather stinks, but I tip real well.
I'm glad the commentator who had lost her husband had a beautiful experience with lovely people at the restaurant where she dined by herself.
But I've never understood why "a woman dining alone" is supposed to be such a dreadful experience. I've been a journalist since the early 1980s, which means I've occasionally been on the road by myself on reporting trips since the early 1980s. For me, it's always an adventure: trying new restaurants in strange cities as treats for myself. And I have never once, not once, been given an inferior table--next to the restrooms or whatever. I've always been treated cordially and professionally by the staff, which is often extra-solicitous of me as an unaccompanied woman, and I've often struck up pleasant conversations with my neighbors at neighboring tables. In my opinion the woman dining alone and getting second-class treatment is pure feminist mythology.
One: I tried looking it up. A comedy movie where that question reverberated in: " table for one, one one?"
Two: I went out to dinner by myself often. I always brought a book. I tipped well, always got a corner spot, enjoyed myself. There is something something to be said for enjoying your own company, your dinner, and not being self-conscious, albeit that book was a shield to ever feeling such.
In my experience, the host(ess) generally says "Just one?" to male patrons too, so that part isn't gender-linked.
That said, I doubt that my wife or my daughter would go to a restaurant alone, except maybe in an airport. I've only done it when working late in the office or traveling.
Agree with Original Mike, I never had a problem dining alone, either when I was single or out alone on business. Never felt I was getting any bad service or attitude either.
That was genuinely moving. Thank you for posting.
Most of what we read is people being vicious or callous.
This was a beautiful example of something better.
Beautiful.
Thanks for posting this one. Great insight into humanity at its best.
This really hit home for me. I am happily married, but I know that there may come a day when my spouse is no longer with me. And the thought of going to a restaurant alone would be hard.
This is a wonderful story.
Blogger Original Mike said...
“I've never understood the "dining alone" hang up. Is it a woman thing? Is it generational?”
In this case the woman hesitates dining alone because of the loss of her husband.
But in general - it is generational. When I was a kid, if you were alone and ate at the counter in a diner, that was ok because it meant you were on your lunch break. But at a booth or at a table, it meant you were alone in the world - no mate or friend to go to dinner with. Now everyone takes selfies. When I was a kid, someone taking their own picture or asking someone else to take their picture - was an object of pity. Poor guy or gal didn’t have anyone to travel with. Going to a movie alone? No. When I was a kid self publishing your own book meant that it was so lousy you couldn’t find anyone to publish it. Now people self publish books, write blogs, shoot YouTube videos and no one judges them if their audience is small or nonexistent.
It’s also easier to eat alone, see a movie alone, be alone at a party now because we all have cel phones. Which means either we’ve got very important work we’re doing or in fact we have a ton of friends who we’re communicating with right at the moment that we’re sitting alone. Times have changed.
When I was consulting away from home, I often had to eat alone in a restaurant. I didn't like it. Eventually, I began bringing a book to the table and reading while I ate.
When I travel I almost always eat alone.
Breakfast a D dinner, often lunch.
I agree with Mike, what's the big deal?
Kudos to the restaurant for their treatment.
The cynical me is thinking I might try it sometime
John Henry
the key is: Book, or Newspaper when dining alone
Dining alone is a great opportunity to get some reading in.
I'm glad she enjoyed it, but I would have been embarrassed to be fussed over.
I had to look up Judith Martin to be sure she is still alive (84). Her nepo children have shared credit for the column since 2013. Her father got a PhD in economics at UW in 1925 after emigrating in 1912 from what's now Poland, or she'd likely be long dead in a death camp if her parents had even survived the Great War. Not a word in Wikipedia about a husband, so I wonder how often she's eaten out alone herself.
"Ann, suggest you fix the beginning. It sounded like the writer had died previously -- "my young husband died bereft"."
Thanks. Fixed.
The person who wrote the letter to the columnist identified himself as male.
If I am traveling alone and need to dine alone I try to make it as fast as possible to avoid the boredom. Sitting at a table, waiting for the food, etc I find generally uncomfortable. The timing of the whole process is meant to allow socializing, which if you are alone isn't happening.
I prefer fast food in those cases and get onto something else ASAP.
Sorry, I'm at the point where I can't really believe anything that I read or watch in the media - any media.
Nice story though.
I too was puzzled at the comment. Was this a "Woman thing"? But as others have noted, if you dine out alone as a women, some creeps think you're a female "Looking for action" or you're a lonley spinster who has something wrong with her.
Women are expected to have a companion. A date, a husband, a boyfried. Or at least a female relative, friend, or Lesbian lover.
Men? Well, who cares about them. Myself, I've dined alone many atime on business trips. And it never occured to me to feel bad about it. I was more interested in if the steak was cooked properly.
Well played, Ann Althouse.
I'm in the eat at the bar school. I eat out a lot, often alone (though often at local bars where people I know may come and go and join me at the bar, as happened tonight and last Wednesday). Depending on the circumstances, maybe chat a little with the bartender(s) or other folks at the ba (as I did yesterday). Of just hunker down web surfing on the phone.
Maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know how women feel about eating alone at a bar.
--gpm
If you tell the waitstaff you are facing a challenge, it's not unusual for them to help you.
It was ages ago, but I loved reading Miss Manners when Judith Martin was writing the column. I also bought her guidebook to "excruciatingly correct behavior" to try to make sure I did an engraved invitation birthday party more or less the right way. I think I did pretty well in just asking for the pleasure of the invitees' company for drinks and light refreshments, without mentioning the birthday (though a lot of them knew what it was all about). And *not* including a tacky (though probably necessary in many cases) response card. Your guests ought to know how to RSPV on their own.
My favorite column was one including a totally botched response from her. The question was something like whether it would be appropriate to have young children from a prior marriage involved in "the bringing up of the gifts" at a wedding. She interpreted the question as involving some incredibly vulgar and unheard of display of wedding gifts in the middle of the wedding ceremony. It was obvious to me (and she sheepishly admitted a week or so later) that the question related instead to what used be called the Offertory in a Catholic mass, i.e., bringing up the wine and communion wafers (the "gifts") for consecration.
Hoc est enim corpus meum . . .
--gpm
I dressed up nicely, did my hair and makeup, and put on a killer pair of shoes.
Ann Althouse said...
The person who wrote the letter to the columnist identified himself as male
So he was a tranny??? Of all my gay friends, I don't know a single one who would do his make-up and put on a "killer" pair of shoes for any dinner. Some people are exhibitionists - they want all eyes on them and they make sure to dress the part.
I much enjoy dining alone, but only by choice.
@ Kathryn51
There’s the letter writer and the commenter.
2 different persons who took 2 different positions.
After my wife died I found it difficult enough to dine alone in my own home.
In England in the 1970's and 1980's, if you were eating out alone, it was not uncommon for someone else to politely ask if they could join you. About half the time we ended up basically ignoring each other, and the other half we struck up conversations.
Married over fifty years. Rarely "travel" alone, although on business before retiring, I might need lunch some place. Did not have time for "dining". McDonalds was good enough. Eat in the car, listen to the radio, whatever.
I would guess women alone might, some of them, figure some guy might think a woman dining alone is inviting...something, and fending him off is an annoyance, at best.
If I were at a hotel, and wanting a conventional meal, I would likely order it to go to the room. Looking at the wall for all that time, before and after being served is boring. I can read in my room, plus listen to music of my choice.
Been forever since I've sat by myself, beer after beer, watching the world go by. Might try it again sometime, but usually have other things to do.
Mentions that Ristorante vicino all'hotel [was near hotel] >> any significance to that?
I have dined in restaurants in over 40 countries, but Rome's were consistently the best. It has its tourist traps, to be sure, but the overwhelming majority of the dozens of restaurants I've eaten at in Rome, be they 3 star fine dining or mom & pop trattorias, were excellent.
N.B. I often travel, and dine, solo.
Another thought >> recently read about extra place set by Service families during 'Occasions'
I think it's a lot easier to go to a restaurant alone nowadays because you can just take your phone and read between courses. Even fancy restaurants sometimes have bar seating nowadays too, although I prefer a table even if I am dining alone.
I think the woman who disliked the "Just one?" question probably feels that the word just emphasizes the diner's aloneness, as if there is something wrong with her such that she could not find a dining companion.
The host or hostess could simply say, "How many will be dining this evening?" or "Will others be joining you?" or simply "One for dinner?"
Nowadays even when you dine in a crowd it's sometimes like dining alone; everybody on their phones. And I think that with the advent of the laptop/phone, there is nothing at all unusual about someone dining alone with their device to keep them company.
When I find myself dining alone, I typically sit at the bar and surf the Althouse comments, unless there's a good game on.
I'm not getting all the "read a book or newspaper or tablet" comments. If one is always alone, there is plenty of time for that. Dining alone, especially in a real nice place, which I admit I have never done, seems like an opportunity for some uninterrupted people watching.
Never got the dining alone hang-up either.
In fact, two solo diners striking up conversation is how my parents met, so it can't be all bad.
Going to a movie theater alone has always been my hang-up, which makes little practical sense. Probably because I always viewed moviegoing as a social event.
I dearly love going to movies alone! I can eat all the popcorn I want without either sharing it feeling guilty about the carbs. And I admit I think it's kinda funny to view moviegoing - a situation in which you're expressly not supposed to talk - as a social event.
All the "bring a book in self defense" comments - yes, sure, but I read when dining alone because I just get bored otherwise. Rarely do I find the people-watching sufficiently ending for a whole meal.
So I've almost always had a book, tablet, or my phone at the table and can't really comment about how well my real approach to fending off unwanted attention works: simply projecting, not hostility, but businesslike reserve. I just try to make my body language say, "I'm not in the game, fellas." Since I used to work in the oil patch and in industrial settings, I did have lots of occasion to use this approach and it rarely failed me.
And finally... Miss Manners is far and away my favorite etiqueteer. When we moved to Texas the first time and a neighbor invited me for coffee, I wrote her a bread-and-butter note because of Miss Manners' (and my fear that I was entering the milieu of Junior League), but much of her advice is - at least in my opinion - very relevant and practical for modern life. Miss Manners' Guide To the New Millennium is a huge and awesome book on the subject; she makes a strong point of her American bona fides and staunchly defends the appropriately egalitarian tone of American etiquette.
If you need two giant doorstops, I also recommend Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson, who is or was (if I recall) a Manhattan lawyer whose guilty secret is that she enjoyed cleaning her own apartment. There is without question a right way to fold sheets.
"I'm not getting all the "read a book or newspaper or tablet" comments. If one is always alone, there is plenty of time for that."
You haven't seen my reading pile.
There is likely a gender difference in how men and women are asked, “Just one?” For men, the question may be asked with the assumption that you are just one. For women, the question may be asked with the assumption that you may have been dropped off by someone who is parking the car and will be joining you momentarily.
Fun story. An Althouse version of the final story of network news.
Here in NW Montana a woman alone going to a restaurant (and yes a bar) would be treated like anyone else. With courtesy and no invasion of personal space. Then again, I wouldn't want my wife going to those places up here the invasion of privacy is seen as friendliness. Of course the privacy invaders never know if the subject of their attention is carrying. Deterrence! What can't it do!
During four decades of business travel, I was alone a fair amount of the time. Most of the time it was in business hotels where eating alone is common. Sometime, I'd take advantage to go to great restaurant that usually needs a reservation. Often, if you sit at the bar, you can have the full menu, in peace. Maybe not a good strategy for women but men get lonely too.
Interesting kindness story. But she could have gone to a Waffle House and sat at the counter. No end of interesting people talk to you there. Great way to learn the culture of the locals. But then she’s not a lawyer that has to know jurors thinking on things.
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