From "My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me!," a letter to the "Ask Polly" advice columnist at New York Magazine. If I can trust the internet, "FML" means "fuck my life."
January 18, 2021
"Another big issue is his lack of interest in me in other ways. He can monologue for hours about politics, culture, social issues, and..."
"... he rants like a combination of Grandpa Simpson and Archie Bunker about anyone under age 40, but when it comes to anything I’m up to, or how he or I are feeling? Crickets. I’m actually keeping a list of things he’d rather do than, well, me. The list is pretty depressing. I am less desirable than playing Windows Solitaire or watching BBC detective shows and The Seventh Seal (I’m less desirable to my husband than an overwrought, depressing Swedish movie, FML)."
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She's complaining about her husband, is the first thing I notice.
So, she regrets a lack of toxic masculinity.
You've got to be pretty desperate for advice to make it all the way down to the bottom of the answer.
"Another big issue is..."
That marriage needs help. Not likely to get the help they need from an internet advice columnist. Hope the writer opens her heart enough to examine its own contents then finds the help she needs hand in hand with her husband.
Wow, but a hint of "is there something I'm doing" in the question or the answer (I didn't get past the first couple sentences of the answer as it was obvious where it was going), just "woman unhappy, man is bad". Keep the facts but reverse the sexes and guaranteed you'll get a dramatically different answer.
I volunteer!
David Begley said...I volunteer!
So long as she promises not to talk. $1,000 says that's the real problem here.
"I’m less desirable to my husband than an overwrought, depressing Swedish movie, FML."
That's actually pretty funny. Maybe she should dress up as the Grim Reaper. That should get his attention.
Those two need a script. Pick up a copy of script writing for dummies and write a porno movie. Score it with some cheesy music on the computer. Hire some extras.
He's probably queer.
The Seventh Seal
An episode of "Our Planet" featured some pitiful walruses which had managed to climb up some cliffs and were too dumb to get down other than by falling. Here
She sounds like a bitch, one asking Polly for help to boot. We've found the problem.
Never forget, the man is always responsible for the wife's happiness.
The world is always a better place when others are responsible for my happiness.
(the true answer is, balance in all things, be of service to others, good marriages are the results of both contributing more the 50%)
Leave him. It's obvious he's either not interested in her or in doing his duties as a husband.
Wanted: Good Woman. Must be able to cook, clean, sew, dig worms, clean fish. Must have boat and motor. Please send picture of boat and motor.
No means no, lady.
I blame society.
Maybe she can get the Hubbel...er...Clinton* woman to send her a package from Hitachi.
*After realizing my mistake I was reluctant to refer to Chelsea Clinton. I have lost track of whether or not President's children are off limits. I think at the moment it's no but come Tuesday afternoon I'm confident it's definitely a hard no.
It’s a common misunderstanding that “having sex” leads to happiness, love, intimacy and away from cold anguishing loneliness. If the poor woman truly has love and respect for her pitiable husband (doubtful, based on her confession), she can follow better advice from the online advice columnist: Ask Meade.
Step 1: over your morning coffee, explain to your husband that you've discovered that you are no longer interested in “having sex” and then, for the next month, behave accordingly. Let that sink in for him. No discussion.
Step 2: set a time (say 3 PM on Saturdays and Sundays) at which you consistently go to bed “to take a nap.” For the next hour, read, reflect and/or snooze. When 4 weeks are up of strictly following that pattern, invite your husband to join you. He might say no thanks. Doesn't matter. Continue the pattern yourself. Let it be an open invitation without any pressure whatsoever.
Step 3: if and when he does decide to join you, try to be as kind as you possibly can be. Chat about anything, everything. Let the conversation flow or just enjoy the quiet silence together. When the moment feels right, reach over and hold his hand, hug him and cuddle, kiss but strictly avoid "having sex."
Our time is up. That will be $5.
Men too suffer from emotional ups and downs, depression, low testosterone etc.
We’re not machines, as much as we try to be.
Maybe he needs some help of some kind, from various sources. Maybe she should own a bit of that.
he rants like a combination of Grandpa Simpson and Archie Bunker
Archie Bunker left the air almost 40 years ago, and the show never did well in re-runs (it hasn't aged well, to say the least). So if she remembers Archie Bunker, she's probably pretty long in the tooth herself.
Maybe he needs some help of some kind, from various sources. Maybe she should own a bit of that.
The letter writer states that it's been seven years. At this point, he doesn't want to get help, and trying to convince him to do so is only leading to frustration and heartbreak.
Archie Bunker left the air almost 40 years ago, and the show never did well in re-runs (it hasn't aged well, to say the least). So if she remembers Archie Bunker, she's probably pretty long in the tooth herself.
She says that they're in their fifties, so it would make sense. She's old enough to remember Archie Bunker from reruns, and the Simpsons from when she was younger.
I’m isolated, bored, frustrated, lonely, rejected, unwanted, hurt, and angry.
Gee, I can't imagine why he doesn't have a raging boner every morning.
Seriously, though, why did they get married? If marriage is a mutually-agreed upon set of privileges and obligations, what were the expectations going into it? Loving someone isn't a particularly good reason to get married. How about someone you respect, or admire, or is the kind of person you want to be? It seems too often in relationships people just like the people who like them.
just "woman unhappy, man is bad". Keep the facts but reverse the sexes and guaranteed you'll get a dramatically different answer.
Exactly. Then we have Althouse's pronouncement that you shouldn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. (at least when the woman doesn't want to have sex)
Leave him. It's obvious he's either not interested in her or in doing his duties as a husband.
What are her duties as a wife?
Has she gotten ugly, dumpy and generally unpleasant over the course of the marriage? Many women go to seed — as do men- and expect their partner to find them as desirable as they were when they took care of themselves.
Never forget, the man is always responsible for the wife's happiness.
No woman must be made to feel guilty about, or responsible for, anything, ever.
Meade's advice is no good! My volunteer offer still stands.
She will then divorce her husband and move to Omaha!
Moving from NY would do her good.
"My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me!"
John Weaver's wife?
Be careful what you wish for, Begley
Turns out it’s true: there really is someone for anyone.
...anyone willing to move to Omaha.
Mr Wibble - point taken. Sometimes it’s definitely just over, and time to move on for your own good.
My comments were more general — I did not even read the item, since offering advice specific to other people’s relationships is a dangerous game that I stay out of.
What are her duties as a wife?
The same. A person has a duty to meet the sexual needs of their spouse, to treat their spouse with respect and kindness, and to put their spouse before anyone else.
The same. A person has a duty to meet the sexual needs of their spouse, to treat their spouse with respect and kindness, and to put their spouse before anyone else.
Althouse has told us that the opposite is true. That if your spouse doesn't want sex, you shouldn't want it either. At least if it's the woman who doesn't want sex.
"I think about a man, then subtract reason and accountability."
Maybe if the wife wasn't disgusting looking, and smelly; she'd get more?
Meade!
Does that mean you won't visit Omaha when this lockdown is over? I've got great plans for the two of you.
Google Lauritzen Gardens. I don't think anything else like it in Madison. And, of course, we have the greatest zoo in the Universe.
Seriously, I'd have a hard time with any native New Yorker.
The BIG QUESTION for any visit to Omaha is where to is the best Reuben. Is it M's Pub in the Old Market or the newly refurbished Cottonwood Hotel f/k/a Blackstone where the Reuben was invented?
I say we try both.
Both restaurants are beautiful with M's being my favorite; especially since the BIG FIRE.
tim maguire said...
So long as she promises not to talk
Heartless Aztec said...
Those two need a scrip
serious suggestion; she should tell hubby; about her fantasy to be tied to the bed, and gagged.
I'm sure he'd take her up on it; Heck! he might even do her (most likely he'd just get some peace)
If you're not a Christian, you could do what middle-aged women have been doing for centuries: Take a younger lover.
Dave Begley said...
Google Lauritzen Gardens
Dave's right; the Lauritzen Gardens are Awesome!
I've never been to a botanical garden with a better 4-8-8-4 . . . The plants are very nice too!
okay, i actually Did the reading; and here's what i found:
I had weight-loss surgery and he admitted afterwards that my weight had been an issue for him (I was already fat when we met, so my weight was not some major, new change after we married). But now that I weigh dramatically less, he’s still disinterested.
Just so that y'all can get a picture of her
She's complaining about her husband, is the first thing I notice.
Clearly you’re an expert noticer.
Confessing to "almost cheating" (whatever that means) and making it all about himself seems like a bit of a red flag.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger : 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife...'
I wonder how many times she said "no" to him, before he decided to not bother?
I'm not going to give them a click. Has she sat down with him, and said "darling, I love you, and want to make love with you. What do we need to do to bring sex back into our lives"?
IOW, is she willing to be vulnerable, and make him feel important?
Ot does she believe that only he has to do that?
Dave Begley said...
Meade!
Does that mean you won't visit Omaha when this lockdown is over? I've got great plans for the two of you.
_________________________________________________________________
DB: Of course we'll visit you in Omaha when the lockdown is over. In fact, we're looking forward to it.
But just so there is no confusion or disappointment, I feel I need to make one thing perfectly clear. We will not be having sex with you.
(We might, however, cuddle with you a bit.)
How come Omaha doesn't rhyme with Obama? Are they just being difficult or are they out and out racists?
Is it just me or are these confusing times?
He's a giver, he'll give her the kind
Of attention that she's never known
He's a helper, he'll help her to open
The doors that she can't on her own.
He's a lover and he'll love her in ways
That she's never been loved before
He's a getter, he'll get her by gettin' her
Into the world she's been hungerin' for.
He's a charmer, he'll charm her with money
And manners that I never learned
He's a leader, he'll lead her across
Pretty bridges he's plannin' to burn.
He's a talker, he'll talk her right off of her feet
But he won't talk for long
'Cause he's a doer, and he'll do her the way
That I'd never, damned if he won't do her wrong.
He's a taker, he'll take her to places
And make her fly higher than she's ever dared to
He'll take his time before takin' advantage
Takin' her easy and slow.
And after he's taken the body and soul
She gives him he'll take her for granted
Take off and leave her taken all of her
Pride when he goes.
He's a taker, he'll take her to places
And make her fly higher than she's ever dared to
He'll take his time before takin' advantage
Takin' her easy and slow
I have long since come to the conclusion all these letters to advice columnists are fake. In any case, Rob wins the internet for the day for this:
"Rob said...
No means no, lady.
1/18/21, 7:52 AM"
The answer really was a pretty good one. Polly did not blame everything on the husband. She had a great deal of compassion for him--about his concerns for his heart and how that experience may have frightened him. She also noted that the wife has a significant role in the impasse.
I clicked over because I was looking for exactly all the complaints y'all listed here. But it wasn't that at all.
I read that Wisconsin has cracked down on cuddling.
Here's a scene from the border.
"Here's a scene from the border."
Freeze frame and zoom in @1:39. Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me but I could swear that's Begley in the blue shirt.
I could swear that's Begley in the blue shirt.
I don't know Begley, but I'm pretty sure that's him.
You sure you want to cuddle with him, Meade? He looks kinda bony.
Key words: "we might."
"What your husband really needs is a therapist" ... "You also need a therapist."
The all-purpose solution: "therapy." As if these therapists were actually knowledgeable people one could reasonably expect to have relevant and useful advice to offer.
"Therapists" somehow always make me think of Sturgeon's Law, that "ninety percent of everything is crap." And how this figure may be an underestimate in any field that lacks any objective measures of quality (other than credentials, such as an MSW).
In most fields a lack of competence cannot be hidden for long, and thus incompetents will be culled, but, if one excludes behaviors that are actually criminal, how would therapists who are merely ineffective (or who just mostly give useless or bad advice) ever get culled?
Even if one supposes there must be a few good ones, how would you ever find them?
(Potential research topic: what percentage of marriages can be expected to evolve into a dead-bedroom state, and, is this culture-independent or does it vary and, if so, are there more such marriages today in the USA than there used to be?)
Maybe I should Ask Polly.
It's okay if you do. I mean...it takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
I have an advice column too. It's called Don't Ask Bob.
If you'd ever asked for my advice, you'd know why it's called that.
But it is free.
The Seventh Seal is pretty funny.
Let's assume this crap is real.
"He is a major depressive, so .."
Kinda important. Actual DX? Taking meds for that?
Also..a picture's worth a thousand words.
Whatever.
I blame..Trump!!!
Meade’s advice is brilliant. No need for lengthy analysis. Creating a safe space for some warmth. It’s a great idea. And even if she doesn’t get sex she gets the benefits of some naps and even some me time, if you know what I mean. Husband might even decide to join.
Thanks Meade for making me laugh!
Great posts.
So, she married a chatter-box who can "Monologue for hours"....well she got what she paid for.
The obvious solution is make a mask of her husbands face and then put it on. He'll be hot to make love to himself.
I assume these sort of articles are fakes designed to please female readers.
I like the idea of her stalking him with a spiral notebook, updating list as she goes.
"Oh my God! He likes Tater Tots more than My Vag!" (scribble)
He likes Tater Tots more than My Vag!
Put a bottle of ketchup on the night stand and let nature take it's course.
Make him a sammich!
Could be he's got action elsewhere.
You have to ask him about his fantasies, and you have to want to know what they are, and you have to not take them as a rejection of you.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
You can ask, but most males would not share their real fantasies with their wives if they wanted to remain married. Some things are better left unsaid, I think this is something every man who has been married more than 10 years knows.
Blogger Iman said... Make him a sammich!
--
A threesome?
walter said...
Blogger Iman said... Make him a sammich!
--
A threesome?
Get the husband and wife busy and keep Dave Begley involved! Brilliant!
Maybe a purchase from Vinyl Vixen is in order.
Make himself feel sexy.
You can ask, but most males would not share their real fantasies with their wives if they wanted to remain married. Some things are better left unsaid, I think this is something every man who has been married more than 10 years knows.
Same true of women. In the early 70's I read a pretty shocking book about women's sexual fantasies [I don't think it's available now]. Spoiler alert: They have nothing to do with romance.
mock,
Don't you dare bring up rape fantasies.
Those are inventions of male Psychologists doing so-called "studies".
My guess is that the letter is fake. Clickbait. Part of the “damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t “ narrative.
Mock,
I believe you. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, depends on the situation.
@Caligula:
The all-purpose solution: "therapy." As if these therapists were actually knowledgeable people one could reasonably expect to have relevant and useful advice to offer.
"Therapists" somehow always make me think of Sturgeon's Law, that "ninety percent of everything is crap." And how this figure may be an underestimate in any field that lacks any objective measures of quality (other than credentials, such as an MSW).
I agree that psychotherapy has a lot of conceptual and methodological issues, and at best the research suggests there is likely some benefit for non-psychotic disorders, though there is wide variance depending on the treatment modality and the relationship between the client and therapist.
Unfortunately, we don't have any way of objectively measuring internal mental states. We can either infer them from observation (e.g. appearance, motor activity, eye contact, facial expressions, etc.) or rely on self-report.
In most fields a lack of competence cannot be hidden for long, and thus incompetents will be culled, but, if one excludes behaviors that are actually criminal, how would therapists who are merely ineffective (or who just mostly give useless or bad advice) ever get culled?
The nature of a therapeutic relationship isn't really about giving advice per se. Before starting psychotherapy, the client should, in collaboration with the therapist, have a clear understanding of the problem that necessitated therapy and what the client expects from therapy.
"my husband won’t have sex with me!,"
Because no one wants to fuck a whiny, self-absorbed bitch.
Yes, I admit it was me. I flew down to the border. And I nearly always wear Creighton blue. Nearly all my wardrobe (such as it is) is Creighton stuff with some Carleton, Santa Clara and Loyola Law School thrown in.
mock,
Don't you dare bring up rape fantasies.
There were some of those, IIRC, but also a surprising number of other, really sicko, things. In fairness, however, what one fantasizes to enhance sexual stimulation is not necessarily what she would want in real life. At least I sincerely hope not.
I read the entire thing AND all the comments - last comment was a great punchline, let me paraphrase: "BBC mysteries are very compelling...just saying.."
My theory: In their early 50's - married 10 years. Probably married in early 40's. If first marriage - might have been a "hail Mary this is the best I can do I NEED to be married now or it won't happen". Three years later....
I know too many people, 80% of them women, desperate to get married. They put the cart before the horse: I believe you shouldn't be thinking marriage until you actually MEET a good candidate for the position. You don't just marry anyone willing simply for the sake of being married.
That is what happened here: they got married so they could be married, not because they wanted to spend their lives together and had a good thing going.
I would start my analysis of the woman's problem with two questions:
1. Does it stink?
2. How bad?
Get that out of the way and then we could proceed to her other possible failings.
walter said...
Blogger Iman said... Make him a sammich!
WARNING! a serious, and respectfully politely decent response coming!!!
You know, IF her hubby was to come home to a delicious dinner (say, a rump roast, or a pork loin*)
with mashed potatoes and gravy, maybe some honey glazed carrots....
With maybe candles and a nice bottle of wine (or pepsi)
AND, when he asked: "What's All THIS about"?
She just replied: "On account of because; i Love YOU!"
she might be VERY suprised what happened next.
I think it was Napoleon who said: "a man's love travels on his belly"
a rump roast, or a pork loin* Get your minds out of the gutter, you pervs!
Same true of women. In the early 70's I read a pretty shocking book about women's sexual fantasies [I don't think it's available now]. Spoiler alert: They have nothing to do with romance.
Those books aren't called bodice rippers by mistake.
I blame Trump. And whiteness.
Time to move on then, isn't it? Why spend any more of your life with someone that makes you sad and upset and unfulfilled? Why write letters to advice columnists rather than pack your bags and leave?
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