June 20, 2018

"During the procedure, an instrument called the 'UltraFemme 360' is repeatedly inserted into the νagina."

"'It introduces heat which stimulates cellular turnover which makes you feel younger again... And it gets tighter and nicer and functions like it did when we were back in our twenties.' An additional attachment is also worked around the labia and the urethra 'which does make the appearance sometimes tighter and helps with stress incontinence and you become more supple.... So it’s easier to have sex again.' According to the Vitality Institute’s website, the treatment works to 'stimulate your body’s healing response, cell regeneration, collagen synthesis, and blood supply.... Two out of 10 women do have a happy time while they’re getting the treatment. That’s what the literature told us.”

The first quote within the quotes is from Kelly Rainey, the owner of the Vitality Institute, which is getting a lot of publicity because Jada Pinkett Smith says she had that procedure and that her "yoni is like a 16-year-old — I’m not kidding. It looks like a little beautiful peach."

I'm blogging this because I'm seeing other blogs taking the angle that Smith is absurdly vain — e.g., "FIRST-WORLD BRAGGADOCIO: Jada Pinkett Smith is 46 but says her vagina is ‘like a 16-year-old'" (Instapundit). But I think what's important here is the commercial venture that involves sticking an instrument repeatedly into the vagina to "introduce heat" and the claim that this is somehow healing and tightening.

By the way, the yoni is the vulva, not the vagina, and it's the vulva, not the vagina, that might look something like a peach.

Here, from Buzzfeed, is "33 Images Of Food Just Straight-Up Looking Like Vaginas" (funny images, but they're funny because they look like vulvas, not vaginas).

None is a peach.

101 comments:

Bay Area Guy said...

This is a very important post, because we can intelligently discuss a very important part of the female anatomy like the sober, professional, adults that we are. (Hubba! Hubba!)

jaydub said...

Whatever works for !feminists, including tighter, works for me. You go girl!

buwaya said...

Its a funny thing that I was never attracted to a woman by the appearance of her - yoni.

Somehow that part does not make an appearance until somewhat later in the relationship, once she has made the sale, so to speak. Unless I am misunderstanding modern customs.

GRW3 said...

Did anybody ask Will Smith? I suspect, from his years as a teen rapper, he has more overall experience with teen yonis.

MeatPopscicle1234 said...

How about some before and after pics? Is that too much to ask?

Freeman Hunt said...

A conversation I had with someone read me that description:

"So they burn it?!"
"No, people wouldn't do it then."
"People cut up their faces, inject poisons, laser burn their wrinkles. Of course they would do it."
"Surely not. It says heat."
"But how much heat would it take to increase cell turnover? Must be pretty hot."

rehajm said...

That’s a peach hon!

-Mr. Havercamp

YoungHegelian said...

If this is a successful treatment for female stress incontinence which has the side effect of "rejuvenating" the vagina/vulva, well, God bless it. But, given the meager description of what the treatment does, somehow I doubt it.

This strikes me as yet one more plastic surgery scam, of which there never seems to be a shortage.

Fernandinande said...

"I've seen better."

madAsHell said...

So, I didn't read very carefully, and I'm not going to re-read it, but it sounds like a hot dildo.

amIrite?

Anonymous said...

I'm from Missouri.

Fernandinande said...

Giant rats don't need no stinkin' UltraFemme 360 -

Cellular turnover in the rat uterine cervix and its relationship to estrogen and progesterone receptor dynamics.

Michael K said...

I understand that most men have an instrument that accomplishes the same purpose and is available for free.

Free for the woman, I mean.,

rhhardin said...

Happiness is a warm gun.

traditionalguy said...

I think I knew Lamb Chop.

God sure made women mysterious looking creatures out of a simple Rib bone...no complaints, but it was a lot to learn.

Jim at said...

What a stupid time to be alive.

Sebastian said...

Clearly, Elizabeth Holmes chose the wrong business.

Comanche Voter said...

Who knows-- a 46 year old Jada Pinkett Smith tells her sex partner that he's using a "barely used 16 year old vagina". That's like the used car salesman offering in old care that was owned by a little old lady from Pasadena. Low miles after all. She -only drove it to church--and then only on Easter and Christmas

Come down and get in the used car business Ms. Smith.

n.n said...

A romp through the desert would replicate the effect.

Wince said...

Sebastian said...
Clearly, Elizabeth Holmes chose the wrong business.

John Holmes, too, for that matter.

gspencer said...

This warming device for the female downtown area reminded me of the conversation between the CEO of the West Indies Company and Walter Raleigh, as imagined by Bob Newhart,

Oh, it [tobacco] has a lot of different uses, like, what are some of the uses, Walt?...
Are you saying 'snuff', Walt?...
What's snuff?...
You take a pinch of tobacco... and you shove it up your nose. ha! ha!... and it makes you sneeze? ha! ha! ha!...
Yeh, I imagine it would, Walt! Hey, Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here!
It has other uses though, huh?...
You can chew it!... or put it in a pipe!... or you can shred it up... and put it in a piece of paper. ha! ha! ha!... and roll it up. ha ha ha... Don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me. ha! ha! ha! you stick it in your ear, right? ha! ha! ha!...
Oh! between your lips!...
Then what do you do, Walt? ha! ha! ha!...
You set fire to it! ha! ha! ha!...
Then what do you do, Walt?...
Ha! ha! ha! You inhale the smoke, huh! ha! ha! ha!...
You know, Walt... it seems you can stand in front of your own fireplace and have the same thing going for you!
You see, Walt... we've been a little worried about you, y'know, ever since you put your cape down over that mud.
Y'see, Walt... I think you're gonna have rather a tough time selling people on sticking burning leaves in their mouthes...
It's going very big over there, is it?...

Wince said...

Apparently the science isn't settled, between: Vulva Warming or Climactic Change?

tcrosse said...

There must be a market for the UltraButch360 treatment to freshen up a worn-out pooper -chute.

David Begley said...

Classic comments. Althouse knows how to write a post.

Yancey Ward said...

Does it cure fecklessness?

Gretchen said...

Sounds like elder snatch shaming. Where are the feminists?

Jupiter said...

"During the procedure, an instrument called the 'UltraFemme 360' is repeatedly inserted into the νagina."

Wait. Is this what Trump is doing to helpless asylum-seekers in government facilities all over Amerika? Or is this what Peter Fonda says he wants done to that gash Kirsten Nielsen while she's pilloried naked in Lafayette Square? I can't keep up. Fonda's the good guy, right? Trump is a pussy-grabber?

David Begley said...

“Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a New York-based Ob/GYN and author of The Complete A to Z for Your V, νaginal rejuvenation is a growing field that may offer benefits to women struggling with the aforementioned issues.

“The most popular treatment is called the MonaLisa Touch — the gold standard — which increases collagen formation in the νagina using a CO2 laser,” she tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “A less common technique uses radio frequency to achieve the same results.”

Dweck cautions that despite the emerging interest in νaginal rejuvenation, some methods have only been cleared, but not approved, by the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (which means they’re not covered by health insurance) ....

“The treatment generally needs more research,” adds Dweck, who does not perform the procedure. “But it sounds promising.”

Dweck! A growing field?

Yancey Ward said...

Let me take a guess- Ms. Smith has had at least two caesareans, right?

Yancey Ward said...

I look forward to the use of "yoni" in crossword puzzles going forward!

alan markus said...

Maybe Jane Fonda could have tried this before she decided to be closed for business down there.

walter said...

Michael K said...I understand that most men have an instrument that accomplishes the same purpose and is available for free.
--
Just what the doctor ordered..

Bay Area Guy said...

Jada Pinkett Smith advises us that her 46- year old vajajay feels like 16, but it's purely a matter of perspective. I bet Hillary Clinton would be thrilled with a 46-year old vajajay.

As my grandpa used to say, "the grass is always greener on the other side of Mike Pence"

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

"..B-b-but- should it be lit?" asked the bewildered young intern.

"The heat and the repeated insertion will make it more youthful" the former president said.

Black Bellamy said...

Jada spreads her legs and squats slightly. It’s not the most graceful position but from here she can admire her vulva in the mirror. Look at that nice vulva, she thinks. It looks so young so fresh. She keeps looking at it, twisting her body slightly so she can see it from different angles. She’s entranced. Will! She yells downstairs. Come take look at this! Will comes into the bedroom. Is it the vulva? Yes, it’s the vulva. Come see! Will comes around and stares. It’s much nicer than before, he offers. Jada scowls at him and he backpedals. I mean it’s fantastic! Brand new! She nods in satisfaction and slowly pulls herself up. My vulva, she whispers. Vullllllva.

tcrosse said...

Hillary Clinton would be thrilled with a 46-year old vajajay.

Huma is 41.

mockturtle said...

Good grief! :-\

Fritz said...

I can't evaluate her claims without seeing it.

Jaq said...

I don’t get it, I admit it.

Etienne said...

One thing to keep in mind, is that you can't store all of your pens and pencils after the procedure.

walter said...

http://www.namespedia.com/details/Yoni

walter said...

Bring back Vince and market it as Clam Wow!

D 2 said...

Well, I'd ride that yoni, baby, cant buy a better thrill
You been tightening it up all night, using some heating drill
Well, if I die, from all my Viagra pilllllllllllllllllllls
And if I dont make you, you know UltraFemme will

Earnest Prole said...

By the way, the yoni is the vulva, not the vagina, and it's the vulva, not the vagina, that might look something like a peach.

Once again, Althouse is Rob Lowe’s character in “Wayne’s World,” correcting people when they say “champagne” instead of "sparkling white wine."

Robert said...

https://www.instagram.com/the.vulva.gallery/

AlbertAnonymous said...

Maybe Hanoi Jane should use this and see if she can't re-open shop down there....

This whole article made me laugh. Its sounds as if inserting things into the vagina on a regular basis and causing heat (friction?) makes/keeps the vagina tight. Hmmmm, so like if you just keep having sex you stay tight? Use it or lose it? Men will be telling their wives they need to have sex for their own good, to keep the Vajayjay or yoni or whatever looking its best.

It also reminded me of the old joke where the husband tells the wife, if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to have sex, just give me a signal, say by reaching over and stroking me three times.... and if you wake up and you don't want to have sex, just give me a signal by reaching over and stroking me 300 times.

daskol said...

UltraFemme 360 sounds like it should be the name of a next generation female sex bot. Very strangely named device.

daskol said...

I wonder if the UltraFemme 300 would be awkwardly jealous if you ever got the two of them together.

Bay Area Guy said...

"And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the vulva"

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

jimbino said...

Speaking of vulva, why don't we use terms like pudenda or mons veneris?

Jaq said...

I can’t evaluate her claims without seeing it.

It may require more than a simple visual inspection.

Trumpit said...

Patient goes to his doctor for a physical. He tells the doc that he's feeling fine. The doctor continues with the physical. At the conclusion, the doc says, "You must be a vagina." "Why do you say that." "You feel good, but you look bad." A gynecologist told me that dumb joke.

FleetUSA said...

Back in the day, I had a beautiful, very old peach etching showing 4 peaches in various positions and openings. Stimulating for office art.

eddie willers said...

I see Laurel.

mockturtle said...

As TS Eliot's Prufock famously asked, "Do I dare to eat a peach?"

roesch/voltaire said...

I believe it was T.S. Elliot who sounded the alarm when he questioned " do I dare to eat a peach?" How times have changed.

Phil 314 said...

Back in the pink.

gilbar said...

"Two out of 10 women do have a happy time while they’re getting the treatment."

does this mean what it seems to mean? Does IT?

Tom T. said...

Professor, I was hoping you would blog this story from the legal angle: Does this make her jailbait again?

Jaq said...

Peach is sort of a metaphor. Peaches are great, vaginas are great. The image of a fuzzy peach is often used to denote the freshness of youth. Don’t overthink it.

I hope she gets whatever it is that she is seeking from this.

daskol said...

gets it gentle and loving if that's her thing.

lgv said...

Yes, it works. All the laser companies from Syneron to Sciton are selling machines for this exact purpose. I have heard that the satisfaction rate for the procedure is quite high. The biggest problem from a business standpoint is that it must be performed by a physician rather than a laser technician.

Take a look NSFW
https://sciton.com/physicians/treatments-conditions/laser-vaginal-therapy/

Wince said...

Jada Pinkett Smith: I take a vigorous spin class, I read really intense erotica, and I invested in a very powerful detachable shower head, which has been very good to me, mind you.

Queen Latifah: Okay, that story just put me into menopause.

Michael The Magnificent said...

"The most popular treatment is called the MonaLisa Touch"

A friend of mine had that done, and together with some hormone replacement therapy, is very happy with the results.

William said...

It gets her name out there. I guess that's a plus, but her peach will now be a magnet for jokes. Those seen here are relatively civilized, but association with the Ultra Femme 360 will not add glamour to her name. Maybe it's a good thing, and more women will take her lead and speak out in favor of it. In which case, she will have performed a valuable service for humanity and we should revere her courage. Otherwise she looks pretty silly.

Yancey Ward said...

What warnings will Remington and Conair be forced to put on their curling irons now?

Matt said...

I no longer believe that men are more obsessed with sex than womyn. The amount of bandwith spent talking about twats and what one does with them is truly staggering. I have yet to see a similar amount of content from dudes discussing our dicks from every conceivable angle.

Womyn are fucking degenerates.

Ralph L said...

A friend of mine had something like this to reduce an enlarged prostate.

traditionalguy said...

The men who love the girls of the Peach State on Peachtree Street salute you.

Breezy said...

This is awful... children whose parents chose to risk their well being are being separated from them and we are talking about Jada’s privates? Is this allowed?

Roughcoat said...

My wife, who works with film industry people, swears that Will Smith and Jada are both gay, and that this is one of the worst-kept secrets in Hollywood.

JML said...

I wasn't sure who she was so I had to look her up. And now I want to look up her skirt, too. Just out of curiosity. Like a pussy cat. A renovated and rejuvenate pussy cat.

todd galle said...

Where I come from yoni is a derogatory term for Amish folks.

Henry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Henry said...

The phrase "a simple flick of the pen, a simple flick of the pen" has new meaning.

JML said...

If it is now 16, does that mean Will can't touch for another two years? You can't be too careful in this time of hashtag me too...

n.n said...

Yoni refers to both a vulva and womb. Does Smith hope to have fetuses, offspring, babies in the future? Good luck. Hopefully she is aware of elevated maternal risk and childhood mortality or retardation.

n.n said...

If it is now 16, does that mean Will can't touch for another two years?

It depends if she declares its age. With #MeToo and denial of due process (i.e. Pro-Choice), and assuming that journolists and female chauvinists raise their voices, then there is a good chance that his social life or career could be aborted during a warlock hunt or in a warlock trial. Is he in good (i.e. "charitable") standing with the DNC? They have a close affiliation with the Cult.

Ken B said...

So if I put my wang in a toaster it will look 30 years younger?

clint said...

This reminds me of the traditional treatment for hysteria.

Wince said...

Ken B,

Maybe you should just buy a new toaster if it’s that old?

Howard said...

The Vagina Dialogues

YoungHegelian said...

@Roughcoat,

My wife, who works with film industry people, swears that Will Smith and Jada are both gay, and that this is one of the worst-kept secrets in Hollywood.

Sadly, Pinkett Smith has also never been properly called out on her hagiography of late 20th C America's most infamous Soviet lackey & lickspittle, Angela Davis.

Darrell said...

When you're a celebrity woman, charlatans try to grab them by the pussy and they let them.

There wouldn't be expensive medical practices on Harley Street in London if not for wealthy wives being treated for "hysteria" weekly with masturbation sessions. The electric vibrator was an offshoot of this important medical practice.

chickelit said...

Italian fruit slang for "pussy" is fica as in la fica (f). From the Latin "fica" = fig).

Apt because of the fruit's look and because of an association with Eve.

0_0 said...

Roughcoat is correct about Will and Jada, and it makes many of y'all's comments hilarious.

David S said...

So, is there any tread left on the tires, or at this point is it just like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

--Stewie

Anne in Rockwall, TX said...

I never should have opened this post up this morning. I have to clean coffee off my desk and keyboard now.

LordSomber said...

Yoni Loves Chachi.

rhhardin said...

Pussy is probably the correct word for what it's inserted into. Vulva claims anatomical boundaries that include too much, and vagina is wrong for the case at hand.

Pussy squeezes into the difference between them. It means: not vagina and not vulva, so you get it right by elmination.

The more general term works more specifically than the specific ones.

Bad Lieutenant said...

Pussy is probably the correct word for what it's inserted into.

Rhhardin, it is a reasonable hypothesis that you have never seen one, so spare us the display of expertise, you clavin.


Pussy is probably the correct word for what it's inserted into.




Blogger Ken B said...
So if I put my wang in a toaster it will look 30 years younger?

6/20/18, 8:50 PM

I don't think that heat is good for dumb terminals, Ken, but try it and report back.



Jaq said...

The old grey mare, she ain’t what she used to be.

Jaq said...

Yes, it works. All the laser companies from Syneron to Sciton are selling machines for this exact purpose.

So does it dial back your “number” then? Do you get to set back the old metaphorical ‘odometer’?

Jaq said...

If you ‘blow’ it, does it bring back your taste buds?

Sigivald said...

"Yoni"?

Why is this cultural appropriation being allowed?!

Mike (MJB Wolf) said...

When I hear people call a vulva a vagina I just tune them out. When it is someone who HAS those parts and mislabels them I laugh. Know your parts, people!

Mike (MJB Wolf) said...

That's like the used car salesman offering in old care that was owned by a little old lady from Pasadena.

I once bought a used VW convertible Ghia from a little old lady from Pasadena. True story. Rebuilt it, painted it Corvette yellow and put Porsche wheels and Pirellis on it. Man that was a fun car!

Mike (MJB Wolf) said...

I no longer believe that men are more obsessed with sex than womyn.

Because the headline would be "I Put My Dick in a Hot 16-year-old" or whatever the age of consent is in the area the article was written. In CA it might still be 18 but is only 13 if you claim to be an actress.

Anyway, as "rejuvenation" goes this is the standard male approach.

FIDO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FIDO said...

Jeff Epstein, Robert Menendez, and Bill Clinton would happily offer their expertise on this issue.

Inga...Allie Oop said...

Test