Predicts William in the comments to "Maria Shriver way overreacts to Lena Dunham saying 'penis,'" a post that went up at 7:51 yesterday evening and has thus far racked up 32 comments.
Only 32. (But that's more than 25.) And that's with an excellent short short story by Laslo Spatula, in the persona of The Girl at Starbucks That Hates You. I'll put it here so you won't have to click back:
Today at work sucked. I mean, most days here suck, but today sucked balls…
I had a customer who ordered a soy Venti latte, and he gave me the “I picture you sucking my cock’ look. Big deal: it happens. I asked him for his name, and he said “D.B.” so I wrote it on the cup and kept moving. A few minutes later, I hear a loud voice complaining: it turns out that it is this same dude, and he’s saying that I drew a penis on his cup. What the fuck…?
I wrote ‘db’ lowercase because I write everything in lowercase, it’s just what I do. Well, he thinks my ‘db’ is not “D.B.” but a picture of a cock and balls. Really, dude? Who has the time to see this shit? I mean, do you see the face of Jesus on your fucking Doritos…?
So now my manager is showing me the cup, asking me what I wrote, and the dude has this smarmy bitch-face thing going on: I point out that — look — it’s ‘db’, it’s NOT a drawing of a cock and balls. Shit: if I wanted to draw a cock and balls I could draw a damn better picture of a cock and balls. I’ve seen some up close to my face, I know what they fucking look like…
My manager finally gives the guy a gift card and he leaves, smiling his smarmy bitch-face smile. Now my manager is telling me condescendingly that drawing genitalia on a customer’s cup is VERY inappropriate, like somehow I don’t fucking get that. Fine: I’ll write all names in CAPITAL LETTERS FROM NOW ON. BECAUSE PEOPLE SUCK. PEOPLE SUCK BALLS.
I am Laslo.