February 11, 2017

"If less than twenty five people feel moved to comment on this alleged event, then it's the beginning of the end for Lena."

"If, on the other hand, more than one hundred people feel impelled to comment on Lena's unworthiness as a human being, then another season of Girls is in the bag."

Predicts William in the comments to "Maria Shriver way overreacts to Lena Dunham saying 'penis,'" a post that went up at 7:51 yesterday evening and has thus far racked up 32 comments.

Only 32. (But that's more than 25.) And that's with an excellent short short story by Laslo Spatula, in the persona of The Girl at Starbucks That Hates You. I'll put it here so you won't have to click back:
Today at work sucked. I mean, most days here suck, but today sucked balls…

I had a customer who ordered a soy Venti latte, and he gave me the “I picture you sucking my cock’ look. Big deal: it happens. I asked him for his name, and he said “D.B.” so I wrote it on the cup and kept moving. A few minutes later, I hear a loud voice complaining: it turns out that it is this same dude, and he’s saying that I drew a penis on his cup. What the fuck…?

I wrote ‘db’ lowercase because I write everything in lowercase, it’s just what I do. Well, he thinks my ‘db’ is not “D.B.” but a picture of a cock and balls. Really, dude? Who has the time to see this shit? I mean, do you see the face of Jesus on your fucking Doritos…?

So now my manager is showing me the cup, asking me what I wrote, and the dude has this smarmy bitch-face thing going on: I point out that — look — it’s ‘db’, it’s NOT a drawing of a cock and balls. Shit: if I wanted to draw a cock and balls I could draw a damn better picture of a cock and balls. I’ve seen some up close to my face, I know what they fucking look like…

My manager finally gives the guy a gift card and he leaves, smiling his smarmy bitch-face smile. Now my manager is telling me condescendingly that drawing genitalia on a customer’s cup is VERY inappropriate, like somehow I don’t fucking get that. Fine: I’ll write all names in CAPITAL LETTERS FROM NOW ON. BECAUSE PEOPLE SUCK. PEOPLE SUCK BALLS.

I am Laslo.

21 comments:

rehajm said...

Based on data collected from Channel 4's Tattoo Fixers, cock and balls is the crappest tattoo Brits opt for when they get pissed on holiday.

Bob Ellison said...

Oh, if only we had an online ticker of Starbucks cup-writings. Then we could watch how many "db" and "bj" customers will spike today.

Rae said...

Hey, that Lazlo story has actual literary value.



Not really, but it did make me snort.

Bay Area Guy said...

A solitary comment/story/vignette by Laslo has more humor, insight and creativity than an entire season of "Girls".

rhhardin said...

Newsbabe Terri Rae Elmer, on John and Ken long ago, chimed up with "ewwww" when a blue penis statue that the pope would have to drive past somewhere was googled.

"That's the sound a woman makes when she sees a penis," said John.

It's convention. She never did it again.

Same for penis on TV.

Kate said...

No Laslo tag?

Ann Althouse said...

@Kate

Thanks for the prompt.

fixed

Phil 3:14 said...

If Laszlo makes a buck off his writing will the professor make a few cents.

(Join the Laszlo Associate Program.)

jacksonjay said...

Cruelly neutral posted three times this week about Gotta Pee Lil Lena. Pretty good post on Gaga, too. Cruelly failed to mention Trump normalizing the killer in Moscow. After all, all our Presidents are killers too. Also overlooked was normalization of the One China Policy. Apparently Tillerson convinced The Donald that the "deal" with the ChiComs was good enough and couldn't be made better.

Would So Called Blogger be an attack on the blogger or the cruelly neutral content?

As always, Laslo is a hoot.

Jim said...

Now I'm convinced that Laslo will George Saunders.

madAsHell said...

Laslo, where does one go with your movie?

Film festivals? Are we witnessing a new "Tiny Furniture"?

Sorry, I missed it.

Jeff Gee said...

The whole story is 282 words, which you could fit on one Starbucks Venti Cold [24 fl. oz.] or Trenta Cold [31 fl. oz] cup, or three Grande [16 fl. oz.] cups, in 9 point type. I would probably go for the Grande option myself, even though it would require three purchases. If the baristas wore “The Girl at Starbucks That Hates You” t-shirts, I would basically live there.

Leslie Graves said...

I was in a bad mood this morning but that has now disappeared thanks to Laslo.

Bad Lieutenant said...

Jacksonjay,

After all, all our Presidents are killers too.

Just so you know,

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4208815


Is Obama admitting it or boasting of it?

Paddy O said...

Laslo has been placed on the Althouse coffee table. It's a tradition.

jacksonjay said...

Only DJT can top BHO at boasting.

Robert Cook said...

Hey, William: it's fewer than 20 comments, not "less than."

As for Maria Shriver...really? A grown woman with children and she loses her composure over the use of the word "penis?" Her reaction is what is notable and ridiculous, not Dunham's use of the word.

320Busdriver said...

I don't know. A few days ago I was enjoying another nice set of music on my favorite internet radio station, Radio Paradise. Bill cued up Roxy Musics' "Love is the Drug."
You remember it. An oldy but a goody. Well, I decided to check out the comments, which I do from time to time, and I see this post from Lazarus. I've seen some funny Lazarus comments on RP before, but this one caught my eye. It said,
"Everybody in my mushrooming multitude of churches be dancing buck ass naked all across the holy moly world like bowlegged gypsy muleskinners and B.F. Skinner... we love this splendiferous classic song more than zesty pussy pickles... love sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll... thank you..."

Lazarus....Laslo....could it be?

Roy Lofquist said...

Did Lena WhatsHerFace pay Shriver for the publicity or is it one of those favors to be named later.

Laslo Spatula said...

@ MadasHell -- check out comment in "At the Dog-on-a-Pier Café..." post...

I am Laslo.

Zach said...

Some people see balls everywhere

http://architekturfotoblog.de/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/20100403-_MG_1274.jpg

I blame society.