June 11, 2016

The 8th graders' relationship contract .



He signed it but it was found on the floor.

I have a lawyerly fascination with the word "these." It's a loophole, but how are you going to use it? And that's the thing. It's not a contract. There's no conceivable remedy for failing to meet these terms that wouldn't already be available without the acceptance of these terms. It's not as though he agreed to submit to the breaking of his face. He's just on notice that's how she intends to behave.

62 comments:

Curious George said...


The whole thing is a fake .

David Begley said...

Correction. It was not written by a middle schooler. It was written by Hillary.

Bob Boyd said...

Reminds me of that Meatloaf song 'Paradise By The Dash Board Lights'

Humperdink said...

Who determines who the hoe is?

David Begley said...

Remarkable but true in 2016. There are "hoes" in eighth grade.

Bob said...

"You cannot talk hoes"
"You cannot be looking at these hoes"

Sounds like Althouse is fed up with Meade spending all his time in the garden.

Humperdink said...

If the word "hoe" was added to the National Spelling Bee contest, the participants with Indian heritage would drop like flies.

AReasonableMan said...

Middle school - the destroyer of dreams.

campy said...

The contract is unnecessary. Its terms implicitly apply to all male-female relationships.

Paco Wové said...

Depressing, if true. But probably not true.

The Drill SGT said...

Rules of dating a Drill Sergeant's daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

He's just on notice that's how she intends to behave.

Rather hetero-normative of you to assume the person who drew up the contract is a she.

Quaestor said...

He signed it but it was found on the floor.

The Rodham-Clinton prenup.

BTW, Althouse gets an F for an unforced comma deletion. Forgivable after studying that "contract".

Laslo Spatula said...

Amber, the Blacked-Out Possibly Raped College Girl says:

We would laugh together. I told him he can't break my heart or I would break his face, and we both laughed. I told him he better not be looking at hoes and we'd laugh some more -- it was fun back then.

Then he started telling me I couldn't look at other guys, but it wasn't funny, he was serious, and then he'd get angry if he thought I spent any time with a guy, anywhere.

One night we were both drinking too much wine and he said he saw me smile at that guy at Starbucks, and that I must like him. I told him he was being silly, but we were drunk and started wrestling. It was like it was pretend-wrestling but then it didn't feel pretend. I think we were still laughing but I think I was scared underneath, it all kind of swirled together.

Then he told me if I really loved him I'd let him fuck me in the ass. I told him I was tired and just wanted to sleep, and so he said I didn't really love him. I told him I DID love him, I was just tired and drunk and wanted to go asleep.

So we went to bed and I think I was sleeping and he started pushing against me saying he really wanted to fuck me in the ass. I said 'No' but he kept pushing and then we did it, I just wanted it to be done I think, I really don't remember.

I woke in the morning and was going to tell him I really meant 'No' but he had already left. So I took some of the Vicodin I had left from my ski-boarding injury, and went back to sleep.

I thought being raped would be different.


I am Laslo.

Quaestor said...

The Drill SGT wrote: I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

A recurring joke heard on the classic Atilla the Hun Show.

rhhardin said...

The plural is ho's.

rhhardin said...

Lileks said, long ago, that he looked forward to his daughter dating, say when she's 26.

Fred Drinkwater said...

Well, Sgt's rules seem mostly borrowed from the original book of "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter" with some additions. Always amusing.
My solution was to approve of my daughter's interest in, as she put it, "pointy, clangy things" i.e. swords and similar. Showing up at her first day in high school in a chain maille coif and shirt (hand made by her) also helped. No sword, though, cuz you don't wanna be TOO intimidating...

rhhardin said...

The point of the father giving away the bride is giving away protection of her.

Michael K said...

"The camouflaged face at the window is mine."

You remind me of the father in "Clueless."

"Hey you, if anything happens to my daughter, I've got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you."

madAsHell said...

The whole thing is a fake .

I dunno. Have you listened to their music?

YoungHegelian said...

Contracts in 8th grade?!

I know they teach kids all sorts of sicko-shit in sex ed now, but can't they wait until 10th grade at least for S&M slave contract relationships? (link mildly NSFW --- I mean, d'uh!)

Rhythm and Balls said...

Wow. Just wow.

Welcome to life in Hillary's America! It takes a village.... of Amazonians.

Rhythm and Balls said...

And with comments like "The Drill SGT's" above, it's not that hard to wonder how this sick dynamic got started.

Rhythm and Balls said...

Just make her wear a "purity ring" and take her to as many purity balls as you can attend, Drill Sergeant. You'd get your mindless message across just as clearly.

Seriously. What a freaking wacko.

surfed said...

Back when I taught inner city middle school this contract (though written out) is tame. In the matriarchial society of African-American relationahips there were many serious bitch fights over the boys. I never once saw AF boys fight over a girl but witnessed numerous brawls between females for the affections of a boy. One memorable dust up had one you lady dancing around the prostrate form of another holding up a handful of hair like an Apache taking scalp announcing to all and sundry "Yo! Bitch! I got yo weave!!

Rhythm and Balls said...

Well, it's only "fair", YH. How much money did "50 Shades" gross?

Over half a fucking billion for this sick warped power status fantasy that could only get a 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

I guess Bernie Sanders wasn't that far off base in the 70s when wondering about the persistence of rape and related fantasies among the women of the day. Or of this day.

mockturtle said...

Ah, love! BTW, the plural of ho IS hoes.

Yancey Ward said...

Bill Clinton signed it?

Gahrie said...

Would Althouse be as amused if the genders were switched?

Yancey Ward said...

Laslo,

Have you ever read a poem titled "The Dover Bitch"?

The Cracker Emcee said...

It's surprisingly literate for 8th graders these days. White kids?

rhhardin said...

BTW, the plural of ho IS hoes.

The original is ho', an "re" being omitted. Thus the plural is ho's.

You could say that the original is 'ho' to account for the "w" but that's carrying eye dialect too far. Nobody pronounces the w, black or white.

In words where both the w and the h are pronounced, incidentally, the h is pronounced before the w. "Where" is said "hwere."

wholelottasplainin' said...

R and B: you sometimes remind me of Strelnikov, the earnest young revolutionary in "Dr. Zhivago", who by the movie's end has devolved to become grim, humorless and utterly disillusioned.

This is one of those times.

walter said...

Cracker,
I thought the exact same thing...pretty decent spelling, bullet points.
I think he signed it in haste, then after reading it decided to find out about these "hoes".

walter said...

David Begley said...It was written by Hillary.
--
Nah..she wouldn't require hugs or clauses related to heart. And she'd be fine with "hoes" so long as he didn't get caught.

Ann Althouse said...

"Would Althouse be as amused if the genders were switched?"

I am specifically calling attention to the problem of the way other people are amused and saying that it is the same when the sexes are reversed. Look at the post more closely, including the tags.

Ann Althouse said...

"The original is ho', an "re" being omitted. Thus the plural is ho's."

Is the plural of "bro" "broes"? Obviously, not.

The apostrophe would indicate that you have a contraction, but you don't.

If you call a Labrador a "Lab," you'd pluralize it as "Labs," not "Lab's." That's the mistake known as the grocer's apostrophe. When the shortened form of a word is the word you are using, you pluralize it in the normal way by adding an "s."

The harder question is whether to throw in the "e." Is it more like "potato" or "taco"? I say "taco."

Ann Althouse said...

Who're you?

walter said...

Hillary would have had Bill sign a Gantt chart.

rhhardin said...

The apostrophe would indicate that you have a contraction, but you don't.

The apostrophe indicates a missing letter, not a contraction. It's used in eye-dialect, for instance, which is the case here, with ho'.

From the number o' times I told him that I or the Missus was tired out and goin' right to bed, he must of thought we'd got jobs as telephone linemen.

Rhythm and Balls said...

This is one of those times.

Was I supposed to find enlightenment in any of this?

buwaya puti said...

Strelnikov became a soldier and a revolutionary in the first place because he was disappointed in love and marriage. Lara didnt love him.
We must look deeper into the case of R&B.

SGT Ted said...

It's a peek into the mind of an entitled young female. Quite possibly a budding sociopath, given the controlling demands of the author.

buwaya puti said...

Like with any engineer, raising problems just gives me an urge to find solutions.
In the case of R&B, even lacking knowledge of the specifics, there seem to be unexplored options.
Ballroom dancing lessons and an extended trip to the Philippines. This solves many problems. You may find a wife. I recommend the Visayas, Iloilo, Cebu, Tacloban, or further afield in the provinces, I hear Bohol is nice and the women are uncomplicated and affectionate.

walter said...

Ann..there is an epidemic of gratuitous apostrophe's.

Ann Althouse said...

"The apostrophe indicates a missing letter, not a contraction. It's used in eye-dialect, for instance, which is the case here, with ho."

If some author is writing in dialect and using apostrophes, that's one thing. It's old fashioned. You don't see it much anymore, except with the dropped "g," when transcribing the speech of, say, Sarah Palin. I'm fightin' for you.

But when something has become a word, like "Lab" for "Labrador" or "bro" for "brother" or "gran" for "grandmother," you don't throw on an apostrophe, and if there's no apostrophe on the singular, there's no apostrophe for the plural. "Ho" has just become a word on its own. You'd look silly acting like you're transcribing the sound of speech, rather than just using the word. And since you're not using an apostrophe at the beginning, to mark the loss of the "w," you're not being consistent with your own idea.

walter said...

He could argue bitche's are fair game.

R. Chatt said...

So is it hos? That doesn't look right either. Hoes? Even worse. I confess my mind always goes to garden implements even though I know the intended meaning.

New appreciation of Land! Ho! and what it meant.

rhhardin said...

I always write ho'. As in nappy-headed ho', which got Imus fired for no reason.

rhhardin said...

Ho isn't a word. It's black dialect and gets its apostrophe.

mockturtle said...

Ho isn't a word. It's black dialect and gets its apostrophe.

Are you suggesting that the writer of the 'contract' made a dialectical error?

Gahrie said...

I am specifically calling attention to the problem of the way other people are amused and saying that it is the same when the sexes are reversed. Look at the post more closely, including the tags.

I have to admit I ignore the tags.

Still seems a bit subtle to me........

Saint Croix said...

All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I'm doing my own little thing
Decided to dip and now you wanna trip
'Cause another brother noticed me

I'm up on him, he up on me
Don't pay him any attention
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can't be mad at me

'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

oh oh oh

Saint Croix said...

Ho isn't a word.

wow

It's black dialect

yo, bounce, dog

Ann Althouse said...

Then why don't you write 'ho'?

walter said...

Maybe it's an Amish discussion.

rhhardin said...

The w isn't pronounced. It's not dialect.

If you write 'hore it isn't obvious what you're indicating.

Paul said...

If true the boy must be desperate for a date.

I'd have told the girl to sod off.

pdug said...

Are feminists against slut shaming this week or not? Because this is some serious slut shaming, and in the 8th grade.

Peter said...

"It's not a contract. ... He's just on notice that's how she intends to behave."

Sort of like a pre-nup?

Sabrina Klose said...

Life is good when you have your love ones around you, I am saying this because when i had issues with my lover i never seen life as a good thing but thanks to Dr. AGBAZARA of AGBAZARA TEMPLE, for helping me to cast a spell that brought my lover back to me within the space of 48hours. My husband left me for another woman after 7YEARS of marriage,but Dr.AGBAZARA help me cast a spell that brought him back to me within 48hours. I am not going to tell you more details about myself rather i will only advise those who are having issues in there relationship or marriages to contact Dr.AGBAZARA TEMPLE through these details via; ( agbazara@gmail.com ) or call him on Whatsapp: +2348104102662