December 31, 2013

"What do scientists say when they go to the bar?"

"Climate change scientists say: 'Where's the ice?' Seismologists might ask for their drinks to be 'shaken and not stirred.' Microbiologists request just a small one. Neuroscientists ask for their drinks 'to be spiked.' Scientists studying the defective gubernaculum say: 'Put mine in a highball,' and finally, social scientists say: 'I'd like something soft.' When paying at the bar, geneticists say: 'I think I have some change in my jeans." And at the end of the evening a shy benzene biochemist might say to his companion: 'Please give me a ring.'"

From a collection of scientists' favorite jokes... at The Guardian, via Metafilter, where someone says:
Aw, a lot of these are pretty weak. Reddit had a great post earlier this year, "What's the most intellectual joke you know?," that had a lot of good ones. I've stolen two of them.

The first requires some thought:
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do you all want to start with a beer?"

The first logician says "I don't know."

The second logician says "I don't know."

The third logician says "Yes!"
The second doesn't:
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

50 comments:

St. George said...

Einstein was constipated.

No worries, though.

He worked it out with a pencil.

darthchocolate said...

A large crowd of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says: "Give me a beer."

The second says: "I'll have a half of a beer."

The third one says: "I'll have a quarter of a beer."

And so on. The bartender pulls two beers and flatly states: "You guys should know your limits."

EDH said...

"What do scientists say when they go to the bar?"

I'll have whatever the government is paying for.

St. George said...

Turkish history professor goes back in time.

Spots Cleopatra.

"Do you have a match?" he shyly asks.

"Yeah," says Cleo. "My asp and your fez."

Bob R said...

Proofs that all odd numbers greater than one are prime:

Mathematician: Three is prime; five is prime; seven is prime. The rest are left as an exercise for the reader.

Physicist: Three is prime; five is prime; seven is prime; nine...experimental error; eleven is prime; thirteen is prime. Clearly all odd numbers greater than one are prime.

Engineer:Three is prime; five is prime; seven is prime; nine is prime. Clearly all odd numbers greater than one are prime.

Roger Zimmerman said...

Heisenberg is driving with Schrodinger on I-5 in San Diego, when a CHP cop pulls them over.

The cop approaches the window and asks H: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

H: Not really, but I know precisely where I am.

The cop gets angry and tells H to pop the trunk. Not knowing his 4A rights, H complies. The cop yells up front:

"Do you guys realize there's a dead cat in here?"

S: Well, now we do, asshole.

Patrick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bob Boyd said...

These four psychiatrists are on a double blind date...

FleetUSA said...

Professor,

Your comments, links, and most of the commentators here have brought be knowledge and joy over the past 12 months.

Happy New Year and may 2014 be successful.

Bob Boyd said...

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Old RPM Daddy said...

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "You gotta help me, doc! I keep dreaming I'm a set of drapes!"

The psychiatrist says, "Well, pull yourself together!"

Patrick said...

A French teacher walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. So the bar tender gave her one.

(fixed)

Hammond X Gritzkofe said...

A skeleton walks into a bar. Calls for a beer and a mop.

Paul Zrimsek said...

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." --Steven Wright

Phil 3:14 said...

Please explain the logician joke.

Virgil Hilts said...

The H2O too joke/cartoon. http://www.pwnbook.com/10497

whswhs said...

A friend told me my favorite intellectual joke:

Erwin Schrödinger, Noam Chomsky, and Kurt Gödel walk into a joke.

Schrödinger says, "I can't tell if this joke is funny or not."

Chomsky says, "It's funny. You're just not telling it right."

Gödel says, "Of course you can't tell if it's funny. You're in the joke!"

DrSquid said...

OK, I've thought about it for 15 minutes. Can someone explain the logician joke? I guess I'm not an intellectual, but I do enjoy a good laugh.

Paul Zrimsek said...

Hint for the puzzled: if the bartender had said "you" instead of "you all", there wouldn't be a joke.

Phil 3:14 said...

Yeah I figured out the logician joke:

A=B=C,
if A=yes then
B=yes and C=yes

Old RPM Daddy said...

Read this one somewhere: An artist, an architect, and an engineer are in a bar, discussing women. The particular question is: What is better, a wife or a mistress?

"Obviously a mistress," the artist says. "Where else would you get the passion, the fire, the inspiration?"

"But your forgetting the foundation," says the architect. "Without a firm foundation only a wife provides, you have no way of building a life together!"

"I figure it's best to have both," says the engineer. "That way, each will think you're with the other, and meanwhile you're at the labs getting some work done!"

Amexpat said...

I see the logic but not the humor in the logician joke.

If one of the logician doesn't want to start with a beer, he would say "no". If he wanted to have a beer but didn't know if the others wanted to start with a beer, he would say "I don't know". So, the last logician knows what the others want and can say "yes" if he also wants a beer.

Fr. Denis Lemieux said...

Logician joke: it's only after the first two have said "I don't know" that the third one knows they all want a beer. If either of the first two had not wanted a beer, they would have answered 'no' to the bartender's question. Since they said "I don't know" they must themselves want a beer. So the third one can answer positively.
(I had to think about it, too.)

southcentralpa said...

The behaviorist comes across a colleague. "You're fine, how am I" he said ...

FleetUSA said...

Some one asked the Irish builder the difference between a joyce and a girder.

He said Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.

Bob Boyd said...

@FleetUSA

joyce should be joist

Original Mike said...

@Roger Zimmerman: I'm stealing your joke.

Bob Boyd said...

In the greatest days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies, gin and tonic,
cucumber sandwiches, that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You
must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength
of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to
meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a
particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment
and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy
lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a boxing Silver
Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of..........."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO
can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

Jim S. said...

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, if it knows its Gödel number.

Mark Nielsen said...

An engineer, a physicist, and a Mathematician all awake one night to find their houses on fire.

The engineer quickly pulls out a pad of graph paper and sets to work. He sketches out a rough design, then fabricates the contraption from stuff laying around. He hooks it to the sink and turns it on. Water sprays everywhere, extinguishing the flames, but also causing major damage to the carpets and walls.

The physicist grabs a bunch of instruments and takes careful measurements of heat and fuel availability. After working out some calculations, he measures an exact volume of water in a large tub and throws it on the flames. The fire is extinguished, the water vaporizes instantly, and all is well.

The mathematician, on seeing her house in flames, rubs her eyes and stumbles into the kitchen. She takes a pack of matches from the cupboard near the sink and lights a single match -- watches it burn for a few seconds, then turns on the sink and puts the match under the running water. She lifts the match back in front of her face and verifies that the flame is gone. "Ah," she says, "there exists a solution" -- then she goes back to bed.

Rick Lee said...

A business man and an economist are walking down the street. The businessman spots a one-hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk and bends to pick it up. The economist says "don't bother... if it was real somebody would have picked it up already".

St. George said...

Washington, Jefferson, and Obama are sitting in a train compartment traveling through North Dakota in the middle of a blizzard.

Train slows to a halt, drifts 10 feet high outside the window.

Washington stands and says, "Excuse me, gentlemen. I will go forward to the engine and through my own personal courage, willpower, and integrity lead the fireman, the engineer, and all the passengers through this trackless, snowy wasteland."

Washington, the engineer, and the fireman attach chains to the front of the locomotive and pull the train through the drifts.

He returns. The train goes forward.

A while later, the train stops again.

Jefferson rises, pen and vellum scroll in hand, and leaving the compartment says, "Good sirs, I have written a document so inspiring that once I read it to the engineer, the locomotive shall leap forward will fiery zeal."

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the train zooms ahead.

But again it stops, mired in deep drifts. Washington and Jefferson look at Obama.

Obama reaches over to the window shade, pulls it down, fires up a joint, and passing it to Washington, says, "Ah, let's just pretend we're going somewhere."

eddie willers said...

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One starts patting himself down and says, “I think I've lost an electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure”"?

"I’m positive!"

Magson said...

The bartender says "We don't server faster-than-light particles here."

A neutrino walks into a bar.

Old RPM Daddy said...

A C, an E-Flat, and a G walk into a bar. What happens?

The E-Flat is thrown out because the bar doesn't serve minors.

The C and the G split a fifth between them.

Rick M said...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
--
Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change!

Michael K said...

Some good ones. My favorite surgeon joke.

A surgeon, an internist and a pathologist go duck hunting (apropos of previous threads). They decide they will take turns as the ducks come overhead. Te internist is first but, when a duck flies over, he can't decide.

Is that a duck ? Can we shoot females ? Are there legal shooting hours ?

By this time the duck is gone.

The next turn is the surgeon's. A duck heads over them and he blazes away. Blam ! Blam!

He turns to the pathologist and says, "Make sure that's a duck."

Michelle Dulak Thomson said...

A lot of good ones at that Reddit post, some familiar to me, most not.

The very first is lovely:

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

Rick M said...

I have been having nightmares for months. These bad dreams always somehow involve a teepee and a wigwam.

Finally I went to a psychiatrist, he said I was "two tense"!

Bob Boyd said...

A guy goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination and a battery of tests the doctor tells him,"I've got some good news and some bad news."
The guy gulps and says,"Give me the bad news."
The Doctor tells him, "Its terminal. Its untreatable. You have six months."
The guys says, "Oh my God! What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "That super-hot girl at reception? I'm fucking her."

Archie said...

A man sees a doctor for a prostate operation. After awaking from anesthesia he asks the surgeon "How did it go?" The surgeon says do you want the good news or bad news? "I want the bad news first." I accidentally cut off your penis "Oh, no! What's the good news? It was benign.

Bob Boyd said...

A woman is called to the hospital after her husband has a car accident. After anxious waiting an ER doc comes out and tells her there is good news and bad news.
She asks for the bad news first.
The doc says' "Your husband's injuries are extensive. He'll be virtually helpless. You'll have to feed him and bathe him even wipe his ass for him for months."
"Oh Nooo!" she gasps, "But whats the good news?"
"I'm only kidding." says the doc, "He's dead."

The Godfather said...

It must be the way you tell it.

Douglas said...

Thanks to all! I haven't stopped laughing.

Joe Triscari said...

The president of the university has the chairman of the physics department. The president is aggravated with the department's profligate spending.

"Why, " the President asks, "does your department require so much money?! Every year it is more requests for expensive equipment and space to house it!

"Why can't you be more like the math department? All they need is pencils, paper and trash cans.

"Or better yet, the philosophy department, all they need is pencils and paper.

Left Bank of the Charles said...

Q: How many uninsured Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, as of January 1, 2014 both are illegal.

Wikitorix said...

The most intellectual joke ever:

Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a cafe and orders a coffee with no cream. The waiter comes back and says "I'm sorry, we're all out of cream. You'll have to have your coffee with no milk instead."

geokstr said...

A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

===================================
Two crazy drunks, one a philosopher and one an astronomer are arguing in the street. The philosopher says "I'm Jesus Christ". The astronomer yells "No, I'M Jesus Christ". The philosopher says "I'm Jesus Christ, and I can prove it. Follow me". He leads the astronomer into a bar.

The bartender looks at the philosopher and says "Jesus Christ, you here again?"

MT said...

What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.

MT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.