January 21, 2013

"Nobody in el mundo will believe that I am not still and forever the most beautiful person who ever straddled the floor..."

"... so I have to help out the people at People by looking less beautiful all the time, and then also when they pick me again in two years people will be like, 'Ay, yes, and she has put those weird fangs away!' And second, lovers, I won American Idol week. Mariah who? Nicki Minwhat? ME. So do not feel sad for me, lovers, and do not feel sad for the person on my team who got fired for this or for the people at People who I tried to get fired before I understood that this was my destiny."

14 comments:

madAsHell said...

straddled the floor

Straddled??....a fire hydrant....maybe...but the whole floor?

EMD said...

Straddled??....a fire hydrant....maybe...but the whole floor?

Have you seen her ass? Yes, straddled the flo.

As for that cover, wow. I remarked to my wife at what a mess that cover was.

edutcher said...

If we're talking Mariah or Minaj, then, yes, JLo is definitely "the most beautiful person who ever straddled the floor".

Whatever that means.

McTriumph said...

JLo was always known for her ass, but not much has been heard from her since Michelle came on the scene.

Sam L. said...

Sounds kinda like Manolo, the Shoe Blogger.

Chip S. said...

You expect "Go Fug Yourself" to get its Shakespeare allusions right?

I'm pretty sure "straddled" was what turned up when the author rummaged thru her messy attic of a mind and couldn't find "bestrode" anywhere in it.

Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus; and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs, and peep about
To find ourselves dishonourable graves.

Mick Havoc said...

"People, who're in People
are the stupidest people
in the world"

Mick Havoc said...

"People, who're in People
are the stupidest people
in the world"

ErnieG said...

Ah yes, People. It makes me think of my dentist's waiting room, now that Newsweek is gone. I remember that when it first came out, somebody described it as "a bad idea whose time has come."

ErnieG said...

The "somebody" I mentioned was Denver mayor John Hickenlooper, who in a speech, said that he was reminded of his mother’s comment when she saw the first issue of People magazine. "‘This is a bad idea whose time has come,’ she said.”

Ain't Google great?

Tibore said...

The real mistake is thinking J-Lo's so fluent in Spanish that she uses it when she's not forced to.

がんこもん said...

The real mistake is thinking J-Lo's so fluent in Spanish that she uses it when she's not forced to.

Heh. True, that. 'No tengo regrets'? REALLY??? She sounds like someone who maybe took Spanish (Castilian Spanish, of course) for a term in high school and can remember a few words. Fluent my foot. She's a waste of time and space. But then, so is 'People' magazine. So I guess they deserve each other.

Chip S. said...

'No tengo regrets'? REALLY???

Uh, no, not really.

Is clickthrough REALLY that hard for you???

Portia said...

Ahhh, People Magazine, "Time with color pictures" was what I called it when it first came out.

At the time, Time had no color except the binding around the cover and the ads. Everything else was b&w.