September 3, 2012

"We have trees all over our front and backyards, thus we have a lot of squirrels. We love them, by the way."

"But every now and then they sound like they're crying. They sound so sad.
It is usually one lone squirrel that will sit and cry. It just breaks my heart. Are they crying? What happened to make them so sad? Can I help them in any way?"

Signed, A Squirrel Lover.

64 comments:

EMD said...

Garage is the biggest fan of SQUIRRELS!

Dan said...

put them out of your misery.....

Roman said...

Tree Rats...my antidote- .22WMR in my Single-Six. Works great and is great target practice at the same time.

CDR J said...

Mmmm - fried squirrel. Tastes like chicken.

Alex said...

"and I could see the squirrels, and they were married"

ricpic said...

Today, when I got out of the car and walked toward the back entrance to the house there was a chipmunk sitting on top of the brick barbecue thingy that sits about eight feet from the house. So far no biggie. But usually when I walk toward the house he (she?) immediately dives down under the grill. This time, as I approached the back door he remained frozen in place but his left eye (I was approaching from the left) followed my movement till, just before I reached the door, he dove. Cute as hell. Well, from my standpoint. From his it was the usual life or death but this time with a little courage thrown in.

The Crack Emcee said...

"Can I help them in any way?"

Yes, let them lick yer nuts.

BTW - yer nuts.

Tyrone Slothrop said...

No tree squirrels in this desert. Our squirrels live in holes in the ground, wear greasy dun-colored coats and have pipe-cleaner tails. They undermine the landscaping and carry bubonic plague. The only thing I've ever heard them say, standing in front of their burrows staring at you like rude children, is "Fuckyou, fuckyou, fuckyou!" and I think they really mean it.

Ipso Fatso said...

Ann, he is crying over the fact that you will be voting for Obama.

kentuckyliz said...

Squirrels in oestrus.

Paddy O said...

In 2008 they were crying because Obama was elected.

Now they're crying because of the 23 million unemployed.

gerry said...

Squirrels just want to have fun.

Eugene said...

Liquid nitrogen.

Chip Ahoy said...

This sound would be the cri du coeur d'écureuil, well known among sciuriologists. It signals a poor year for acorns.

Alex said...

You squirrel murderers.

Coketown said...

When I worked at a greenhouse, we'd get women--always women--who would draw our attention to dry/wilting plants, and if we ignored them they would proceed to find a hose and start watering. They'd always explain it like, "I just can't stand seeing plants suffer/go thirsty," or, "It's so sad seeing plants treated like that." Yeah, we're on a watering schedule you snotty bitch. Sorry this plant went 12 hours without water, but I promise it will be fine. I never said that to them, but I thought it. But one old lady I worked with who had zero tolerance for displays of stupidity like that, she told them off. Something like, "If you've got so much compassion in your heart that you just don't know what to do with it all, why don't you go down to one of our town's many, many homeless shelters and put some time in there?" They'd always react with absolute horror, as if they would ever stoop to volunteering somewhere like that! Those places are dirty! Surely the best use of their time and energy is at a retail outlet watering plants, and not at charitable organizations interacting with human beings.

Oh, and they all always drove Subarus, which meant they were either dykes or Democrats. Or both. Probably both.

X said...

HEY LOOK OVER THERE. SCOTT WALKER!

exiledonmainst said...

The squirrel weeps because he's a shy, sensitive squirrel. The Democrats keep saying "Look! A squirrel!" and he can't bear all the attention.

Poor squirrel.

campy said...

What happened to make them so sad?

It's Bush's fault.

Bart Hall (Kansas, USA) said...

A .177 lead wad-cutter pellet at about 850 fps (Daisy has several offerings) will solve the problem all around.

"Squirrel. It isn't just for breakfast any more."

Chip Ahoy said...

I just now saw an old microphone, a radio style microphone with a metal contraption surrounding it that looks like a haft of a sword or a protective spacer, it looks vaguely like an orrery. Know what that is? It's a model of a solar system, and that is what I want the jar hummingbird feeders to look like, with beads for planets and wire orbits to hold the bottle and leaves and tendrils for tiny birds to sit and have a sip.

And squirrels can just cry their little eyes out, they're not getting any. I'll cap their asses.

Meade said...

Not their little brains though. There lie
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.

Chip Ahoy said...

The root word for all that boils down to "scurrilous." You follow the word going backwards English, Middle English, French, Latin, Greek, Mars, Egypt, cave. Tru fax.

The woman is overrun with furry ass rats and she doesn't even know it because she's taken in by their adorable fluffy flicky tails and their delightfully playful antics, but they are vermin nonetheless.

roesch/voltaire said...

Tree rats in my book that are best seen through the sights of a pellet gun or on a plate roasted in the acorns they eat.

Revenant said...

I used to like squirrels, until they caused my backyard to become infested with fleas. Then it was pellet rifle time.

ALH said...

They are crying because I just sniped their father
with this bad boy.

edutcher said...

New one on me, of course all my squirrel experience is in PA, NJ, and OH.

JLScott said...

Squirrels often make a very strange noise to warn of danger, such as a lurking cat. Perhaps this is what you are hearing.

Seeing Red said...

I wish I had that life, the only thing to focus on is why squirrels are sad.

gadfly said...

Hint: Squirrels cannot swim. Trap them in a Havahart trap using peanut butter - then dump them in the nearest pond or water tank. Remove them from the tank after death and put them under a tree for disposal by night animals.

How can anyone possibly like squirrels?

Tyrone Slothrop said...

ALH said...

They are crying because I just sniped their father
with this bad boy.


Awesome. My squirrel medicine is a Beeman R10 .177 with a Beeman Blue Ribbon 2.5 x 32 scope. It's very humane.

wyo sis said...

We use a large tortoise shell cat named Buckbeak.

exiledonmainst said...

Coketown wrote:

"When I worked at a greenhouse, we'd get women--always women--who would draw our attention to dry/wilting plants, and if we ignored them they would proceed to find a hose and start watering. They'd always explain it like, "I just can't stand seeing plants suffer/go thirsty"

You should have asked them if they apologize to their salads or burst into tears when they behold a pine headboard.

Man, am I glad I'm a heartless conservative. I can't even get worked up about Ryan wheeling granny off the cliff. The misery of an azalea doesn't faze me in the least.

sydney said...

A couple of weeks ago when we were helping my daughter move into her dorm, we saw a squirrel with a big bagel in his mouth. He worked very hard and finally got that bagel buried. We laughed because that bagel is going to be rotted away come winter. Perhaps those squirrels are crying over their lost bagels.

David R. Graham said...

Animals have the same emotions humans do. Not always called forth by the same phenomena, but the same emotions, no less. Not the same intellect. But the same emotions, which are cognitive tools no less than intellect is. Taking advantage of animals' inferior intellect, tricking them into dying, is unmanly, unwomanly, especially in the fertile climes. Longfellow wrote a poem about farmers killing the birds. Help ever, hurt never.

ken in sc said...

I heard a squirrel today than sounded exactly like a chicken clucking. I mentioned it to my wife. She ignored me.

Alex said...

Nope I'm all for killing rodents, they keep breeding like crazy anyways. Always more where that came from.

Muns said...

Facts on the Fairydiddle:
http://www.mischkemadness.com/audiofiles/squirrel_book_author.mp3

tim said...

My neighborhood is in a hundred plus year old pecan grove. About 8 square blocks of huge trees. Lots and lots of the little badtids. I get up every morning, peak out the door and see if I see any then plink away. My best day a got six in thirty minutes.

In case of the z apocalypse I have a huge larder around my house in the form of nuts and squirrel meat. (plus all the fish from the tidal creek I live on)

Tyrone Slothrop said...

David R. Graham said...

Animals have the same emotions humans do.


So instead of deriving enjoyment from killing squirrels with a pellet gun, what do squirrels do?

The Crack Emcee said...

David R. Graham,

Animals have the same emotions humans do.

LOOK - A SQUIRREL!

BTW - Scientologists call those fighting the cult "squirrels." Why are we so sad?

Because our work ain't done yet,...

Bryan C said...

Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied.
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like
When squirrels cry.

When squirrels cry.

Meade said...

"I heard a squirrel today than sounded exactly like a chicken clucking. I mentioned it to my wife. She ignored me."

Womanly!

Bryan C said...

I know all there is to know about Sciuridae.
I've had my share of Sciuridae...

Peter said...

All squirrels are named Nathan.

WineSlob said...

Killing's Fulfilling and Thrilling
To Pricks Shilling for Fun Squirrel Killing
They Claim It's the Hunt
But Let's Be Brutally Blunt
Their Killing is Bloody Well Chilling.

exiledonmainst said...

"Longfellow wrote a poem about farmers killing the birds."

Did Longfellow ever farm? My dad was raised on one. Farmers - even P.C. organic farmers - spend much of their time killing animals. Squirrels, deer, voles, mice, foxes and, of course, insects. They wouldn't have much in the way of a harvest if they didn't.

It's why people who actually have to make a living from the earth are normally much less sentimental about animals than, say, urban PETA members who think they're in deep communion with Gaia when they go on a Sierra Club hike.

rhhardin said...

Chipmunks are easy to tame.

Squirrels on the other hand are extremely high strung and nervous in the same situations.

Judith said...

Maybe the squirrels are sad because your readers are such heartless bastards who have to make fun of someone with a little sympathy for wild creatures. Why all this macho chest-thumping and bragging about their prowess with BB gun? "Squirrel Lover" is no more over the top in her way than your commenters are in theirs. Both need to chill out!

wyo sis said...

Squirrel is a dog whistle.

Meade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meade said...

I heard a squirrel today oh boy
A nervous bushy tail who made the leap
And though the leap was not quite spry
Well I just had to cry
I saw him fall and die

He blew his wad out on a limb
He didn't notice that the winds had changed
A horde of gnats just buzzed and stared
The squism looked so fine
No raccoon was really sure
If he was from the Long Leaf Pine

I saw a fish today oh boy
The Swedish Army ants had met Al Gore
A host of sparrows flew away
but I just had to click
Saving dead squirrels, quick
I'd love to mow your lawn

Calypso Facto said...

Hint: Squirrels cannot swim.

I've watched gray squirrels swim across rivers, so don't be so sure about the the pond. I think your method may be effective if the tank/5 gal. bucket has smooth sides. We can then correct your basic assertion as follows: squirrels cannot swim forever.

Meade said...

The humane method of euthanizing small mammals is not drowning but deep freeze.

Paco Wové said...

"Taking advantage of animals' inferior intellect, tricking them into dying"

Isn't that pretty much slaughterhouses' stock in trade?

Come heeerree, little heifer... just a liiiittle bit further....

exiledonmainst said...

I had squirrel gumbo in Houma, Lousiana once. I didn't know squirrel was in it until after I ate it. It was damn tasty.

Of course, Cajuns could throw dirty socks and old jock straps into a pot of gumbo and it would still taste good.

microcorsair said...

He's crying because he doesn't have access to Affordable Health Care, at our expense.

Stoutcat said...

(Squirrels come in toward the end of this one...)

Spring is here, Spring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Ev'ry Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright, everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety, and caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society with our games.
They call it impiety, and lack of propriety,
And quite a variety of unpleasant names!
But it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon...

So if Sunday you're free, why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin' with each drop of strychnine
We feed to a pigeon (It just takes a smidgen!)
To poison a pigeon in the park!

Thanks, as always, to the late, great Tom Lehrer.

Peter said...

Well, I have been eating squirrel for over sixty years and eating the ones I shot for over fifty. Don't seem like we're running out of them.

One does need to be mindful of the season, though. Down here where it gets really hot one only eats them in the late fall/winter.

Peter said...

Well, I have been eating squirrel for over sixty years and eating the ones I shot for over fifty. Don't seem like we're running out of them.

One does need to be mindful of the season, though. Down here where it gets really hot one only eats them in the late fall/winter.

furious_a said...

Squirrels p*ss off our Beagles (they bark and growl instead of whimper-and-bay like they do at rabbits). Our older Beagle (pictured) once beat a squirrel to his tree and cornered him. The squirrel had three legs and one eye, didn't seem sporting so I pulled him off. Plus I'd have had to pry the parasite ridden corpse out of the dog's mouth before he swallowed it whole.

Carnifex said...

Meade's comment on mad cow disease has got me concerned. It was/is common in the hills here to eat squirrel brains, and squirrel brains in scrambled eggs(not kidding. I've had it)

errr gadfly, I've seen 'em swim. Maybe you shouldn't tie cement blocks to their little feet first before throwing them in.

Nora said...

What a pretentious nitwit. Why else somebody would think that squirels making crying sound are actually crying and not laughing? Some people that pretend to care for animals are too ignorant to realise that animals do not express themselves as humans do - think cats making baby crying noises at night.

Don't Tread 2012 said...

Tree rats.

No matter how many you eliminate, they just keep coming.

Rodentia and its soldiers...