September 24, 2011

Why stop with Boltage? I recommend Voltage!

Citizen Dave (formerly Madison's Mayor Dave) thinks children could be helped with their "incredible... obesity" if the government would fit them with a product called Boltage:
Boltage is... a chip that can go in a kid's backpack or helmet. When the child crosses in front of a reader at school it sends a message to mom or dad letting them know that their kid has arrived safely. But the system also works as an exercise incentive by keeping track of how much kids walk and bike, letting them know exactly how much they've helped the planet by reducing CO2, and giving them small rewards and recognitions along the way. 
... We could get it started here at a school in Madison for as little as about $5,000. 
Why not new Boltage with Voltage? An electric shock when the little plumpsters slow down or stop for too long. That'd give them some incentive to run around.

ADDED: You know, Boltage is not a joke. It's a real product. This is not satire:
So what's with the flying bunny?



In order to win the hearts and minds of kids, we need to connect with them. We developed "Boltage" brand to make the program cool for kids, and compete with the sophisticated marketing and media that fill our kids lives these days.

Boltage is the leader of the League of Incredible Thunder Bunnies. Boltage was born when a strange purple lightning bolt struck the north pole at midnight during a full eclipse of the moon. New Thunder Bunnies are born every time a lightning bolt strikes at exactly midnight. No one knows how many Thunder Bunnies exist - some say there are thousands - but they are only visible to kids.

Their mission is to save the planet from the evils of being lazy. The League of Incredible Thunder Bunnies have agreed to accept kids into their ranks - but only if they prove themselves worthy by walking and biking to school. Kids can attain higher rank in the League by progressing through the Zap Levels - each representing greater numbers of kid powered trips to school.

Kids who are Members of the League can be identified by the Mark of the Thunder Bunny. It can be found on t-shirts, tattoos, stickers and other kid stuff. Displaying the Mark is an honor that can only be earned - everyone is welcome to join, but only the most dedicated can rise to the highest Zap Levels.
Blech. Now I have to add my "religion substitutes" tag. Why can't they just teach science?

IN THE COMMENTS: Smilin' Jack said:
All time zones intersect at the north pole, so there is no such thing as "midnight" there. But these days I suppose kids are so busy learning about global warming they don't have time to learn what the word "globe" means.

44 comments:

SMGalbraith said...

Why not new Boltage with Voltage? A electric shock when the little plumpsters slow down or stop for too long. That'd give them some incentive to running around.

Works for Fido.

I'll forward this to Reynolds and the conventioneers.

Lucius said...

"Rewards and recognitions along the way"--

I'm sorry, is this a chip in their backpack or a brain implant?

M.E. said...

LOL!!! Both my husband and myself were laughing heartily at this.

Except ... dang it, you know that somebody would actually think it's a good idea!!

xnar said...

How can physical excretion save the planet with CO2 reduction? You breathe more out when you exert yourself.

Burning hydrocarbons or carbohydrates - humans do not have zero tailpipe emissions.

Also - see South Park episode: "Cartman Can't Curse". Hysterical.

Tom said...

"Reducing CO2" Does this thing zap the kid if they exhale too often?

John said...

Any move to progressive society always involves coercion and punishment.

Ben Calvin said...

Obesity has very little to do with exercise. Exercise is great, But one's weight is overwhelmingly a function of the total number of calories consumed.

cubanbob said...

Better still, Comrade Dave ought to have a boltage chip implanted in each ass cheek and on each testicle. And every Madisonian given a zapper that they can press to zap whichever left/right front/back implant they choose to zap depending what ever outrages them on any particular day.

If it works, can one imagine such a scheme implanted on mayor nanny in NYC, the SF board of supervisors, Obama and every democrat in congress? What joy!

Ann Althouse said...

"Obesity has very little to do with exercise. Exercise is great, But one's weight is overwhelmingly a function of the total number of calories consumed."

True, but not eating is free and not very snazzy.

Making kids move... now, there's something government and business can get jazzed up about.

Ann Althouse said...

"... and every democrat in congress? What joy!"

Good luck finding all the testicles.

Carol_Herman said...

Wasn't it Teddy Roosevelt who added the "outdoors" to a school kid's life? (Okay. Maybe, it is something that was started in England.)

But "outdoors" became the mantra.

Perhaps? Because we didn't have air conditioning?

Perhaps? Because Tom Sawyer didn't want to go to school. He'd head off in that direction ... But he'd make it to the swimming hole. And, he'd meet up with Huckleberry Finn. Whose dad was the town's drunk. And, who never had to go to school. (Until after the treasure was found.)

How come people talk about today's fat kids ... without noticing how much taller we are?

I was at the Getty Museum's recreation of a Roman Villa. And, it struck me! As painful as birthing babies are ... "back in the old times" humans were SMALLER!

Okay. Try this out.

Go into a home built a century or two ago. She if you don't bang your head on the door's frame ... if you forget to duck.

We're not just fatter!

We get more choices of things to eat! Take this away ... Like what happened in Cuba when russia tanked (1991). Or in 'north' korea ... where one side now has much smaller people.

Famine.

When it comes we will go back to the old sizes.

Irene said...

How much did they pay the marketing firm that designed the (lame) logo and website?

Capitalists.

Carol_Herman said...

You know, for the "good news" ... Mayor Dave's invention ... won't go so far as algore's invention of global warming.

And, no. Tasers are for the police.

You taser kids ... and you're gonna see dead school administrators. Why? Because kids are swifter than you think.

MarkG said...

Where are the fattest kids -- east side or west side?

mesquito said...

Making kids move... now, there's something government and business can get jazzed up about.

How about making the little bastards go outside after breakfast and not come home until supper?

It worked for me.

traditionalguy said...

The Man in the Moon has never had a really great myth written about him.

That is so unfair. Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy get all of the attention.

But at least we have saved our children from from established religions.

edutcher said...

Obesity aside, The Blonde has often said that, if she had kids, they all would be (have been) microchipped.

Just for the ability to track them in the event of predators.

A point not without merit.

Ben Calvin said...

Obesity has very little to do with exercise. Exercise is great, But one's weight is overwhelmingly a function of the total number of calories consumed.

In that case, microchip Mom's wallet.

PatCA said...

Good Lord...read their website. The boltage wristbands are already in use in Colorado!

We are on the verge of either totalitarianism or another Great Awakening. I fear for our world.

Donna B. said...

Any kid who has seen the movie "Bolt" is going to recognize thunder bunny as a lame ripoff. It's probably not a close enough ripoff to be copyright infringement, but it is stupid.

wv - staterra - redneck pronunciation of state of terror.

ndspinelli said...

Zombieland had a cure for obesity.

Roux said...

How about we use Boltage/Voltage on leftists, progressives and busy-body do-gooder's. Every time one of them comes up with another ridiculous idea we send a little voltage their way. I seriously doubt it would work and after awhile they'd probably just enjoy it but it's worth a try.

Smilin' Jack said...

Boltage was born when a strange purple lightning bolt struck the north pole at midnight during a full eclipse of the moon.

All time zones intersect at the north pole, so there is no such thing as "midnight" there. But these days I suppose kids are so busy learning about global warming they don't have time to learn what the word "globe" means.

Displaying the Mark is an honor that can only be earned - everyone is welcome to join, but only the most dedicated can rise to the highest Zap Levels.

As I understand it, to become a "made" bunny, you have to off a teacher.

Chip Ahoy said...

Smilin' Jack, I never thought of that before.

David said...

Thunderbunny makes me think of a giant farting rabbit.

Jennifer said...

Talk about doltage.

MadisonMan said...

At some point, you have to stop worrying and assume your kid will get where they go unharmed.

Catastrophizing is not a good character trait.

Ann Althouse said...

Hey, nobody mentioned that the link was bad!

Fixed. Now, please visit the lonely ex-Mayor.

AJ Lynch said...

Citizen Dave wrote:

"This generation of kids is struggling with an incredible incidence of obesity."

He is way too serious. Most kids don't sruggle with anything and that is because they are kids. Is Citizen Dave a wannabee nanny Bloomberg?

ricpic said...

Why not go all the way and implant a chip in every newborn?

Gaurantee Dave would go postal at the suggestion that Madison no longer be a sanctuary city for illegals...er, guestworkers. No tracking them.

raf said...

Perhaps we should thank obese people for sequestering all that carbon, despite the discomfort involved.

AJ Lynch said...

Ric:

I'd love to see Dave's face if someone suggested that to him!

murgatroyd666 said...

Any kid who has seen the movie "Bolt" is going to recognize thunder bunny as a lame ripoff. It's probably not a close enough ripoff to be copyright infringement, but it is stupid.

This is what's going to doom the company. The Disney Carnivorous Lawyers are going to find out about this ...

gadfly said...

Saving the planet from farting Thunder Bunnies would be a far-better goal than lying to kids about life-giving carbon dioxide.

chuckR said...

Boltage is a piece of technology that can help put parents at ease. It's a chip that can go in a kid's backpack or helmet. from the link

I'm gonna ask my 85 year old mother whether she thinks is a comment made by a human on this planet. What an alien concept for 50's and 60's parents.

wv - riotrol - boltage might help with that too

ic said...

small rewards like cotton candies, french fries, ice cream

M.E. Keep laughing. Those bodies who are making boltage meters need to unload them will bribe (campaign contribute) some politicians. Before you could stop laughing, a little $5,000 here, a little $10,000 there, the boltage will be all gone, our kids would be fatter than ever. The politicians will move on to milk other gimmicks for campaign funds to stay in power and exploit more milkable gimmicks.

Chuck66 said...

I'd be more impressed with an implant to let parents know if their children are listening to liberal wackos.

rhhardin said...

Rural Infant Exercise video

John said...

You think you are kidding about the stun belt.

I had not heard of it until this morning listening to a recent No Agenda Podcast with Adam Curry and John C Dvorak go to www.seanhannity.com to download

There *IS* a taser belt being used in courtrooms in the US. The defendant has it wrapped around them and if they get up or say something out of turn, the bailiff can give them a jolt.

Pretty scary stuff. Scary that our police and courts have come to this.

See a video demonstration with a police officer here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL05GMXWX54

John Henry

Teri Lester said...

It gets weary saying this, but much obesity is a result of inherited metabolism. During the Depression (the Great one, not the current shitty one) my grandfather's nickname was "Fats."

My mother stuggled with her weight. My brother weighs 400 pounds. My 18-year-old son weighs 340 pounds. I weigh 70 pounds more than a "normal" person my age and height. None of us are scarfing down the cheeseburgers.

It can be overcome, but it takes herculean effort. My other son's top weight was 300 pounds, and he lost 75 pounds in a year in 2005, by walking 60 miles a week. I'm not kidding. He's kept it off and is very trim now, at 22, but he has to keep walking 40-60 miles a week to keep the weight off.

The solution to obesity isn't as simple as people would like to make it.

Clyde said...

Who could have guessed that the "beast" from the "mark of the beast" was a Thunder Bunny?

Chipping your kid's stuff so you can track him seems Orwellian to me. A couple I know gave their teenage daughter an iPhone knowing that they could use an app on their computer to track her phone's movements to keep tabs on her. To me, that says a lot about lack of trust. Of course, some teens establish through their actions that they don't deserve to be trusted to be where they say they are/are supposed to be, but still...

Clyde said...

And I thought that allowing your child to walk or bike to school by himself these days was tantamount to child neglect? It's okay to allow him to brave the legions of dangerous strangers if it "saves the planet"? :eyeroll:

Donna B. said...

Thank you Teri Lester. I have photos of my maternal grandmother taken during the 1930s and she was grossly obese and short in stature. I also have photos taken of her before 1920 and she was definitely overweight then as a very young woman.

During the '30s, my grandmother was raising 7 children and a sharecropper's wife in the South. Almost all their food was 'organic' and home grown, home prepared, etc...

She died in her mid-60s, a stereotypical case of high blood pressure leading to a stroke, presumably because of her weight.

My grandfather, however, was very tall and thin. He ate the same food as his wife except in greater quantities when there were greater quantities. He died in his mid-90s.

My father's family is even more interesting. There were 13 children -- step siblings, half siblings, whole siblings -- and the heart problems, type II diabetes, osteoarthritis, and longevity are clearly delineated along ancestral lines. This is especially clear among the step siblings because they were also 2nd cousins.

(It's not even close to an incest thing even though they were all in Arkansas. And there have been so-called random controlled trials with this many subjects.)

My sister and I along with three of our paternal half or 2nd cousins once removed have had bariatric surgery. The only one of us in which that surgery could be called 'successful' is the one who came near death because of it and had it reversed.

The rest of us are still obese and at or near the weight at which we had the surgery. But we are all suffering from side effects of the surgery from general digestive problems (believe me, you don't want details) or from more 'standard' side effects from abdominal surgery like hernias and obstructed bowels.

The 2nd most interesting thing I've observed among my cousins from both sides of the family is that the taller ones fare the best overall.

Height? Weight? It's all relative!

Roger Sweeny said...

Actually, this reminds me of the Boy Scouts, merit badges, progressing through levels for higher rank--becoming the kind of person the adults running it want you to be.

george said...

Kids aren't stupid. If the device works by gps they will hide these things in the back of buses or attach them to stray dogs so they can get the rewards. If the device works like a pedometer then they will put the dryer on fluff and throw the things in there while they go stuff their faces and laugh at the people who gave them the device. If they are good with computers they will hack in and change everyone's credits or sell credits on the black market.

Personally, being the ironic sort, I would attach mine to a windmill blade.