July 26, 2011

"Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories."

The winner of the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a University of Wisconsin professor — Sue Fondrie (Oshkosh).

(Discussed here.)

38 comments:

Ron said...

disappointing....the snark used to be better than mere melancholic bird-chopping fantasias....

chickenlittle said...

She's obviously never flown commercial, or had a window seat.

Carol_Herman said...

"It was a dark and stormy night" ... is still the classic winner.

Let alone, didn't Hemingway's style have to be duplicated ...

How about: "Tap, tap, tap went the typewriter" ...

Mark O said...

Apparently, Nafissatou Diallo's story of her assignation with DSK was submitted after the deadline. It was a clear winner.

It was a fine, brave story. Then, a shot rang out.

Did Obama submit anything?

Oligonicella said...

Metaphors based on politics are usually pretty bad. This one is pretty bad.

Carol_Herman said...

Wouldn't you just love to take a blue pencil to that one line?

"As the turbine spun its wheels, the brain got consumed one knotty lobe at a time, like teeth gnawing with chew-chew sounds."

Fred4Pres said...

I know a lot of bloggers and blog commentators who could be Cheryl!

Seeing Red said...

So she's against wind farms?

chickenlittle said...

Speaking of UW faculty fiction writers, what ever happened to Kelly Cherry?

Carol_Herman said...

MarkO, my dear friend, a chimpanzee could have rutted in the amount of time that's showing up on the key card evidence.

The defense will say "the only reason Diallo came back was to see the size of the tip."

Well, the medical records show the "tip" and more, was placed in DSK's mouth.

The french should be ashamed of themselves to think this is a good way to uncork that bottle!

I believe the maid.

And, I'd even add that there are too many men fearful of premature ejaculation. So, they pile on the maid for what? BEING THERE?

She was there. And, when she spit, this poor woman who cannot read or write ... left DNA evidence ... that those who could read and write, collected.

Maybe, we should just teach women how to use their teeth better? I mean, what do you do with a banana?

Lock jaw is not a good defense.

Heck, she could'a just slid it out ... and then just chewed off his tip. (You didn't know that's how rabbis do it?) Yes. They do! And, then the "moil" spits out the skin. There's not very much bleeding, either.

But what I think could have happened, didn't.

The maid put misplaced trust in the DA. Who is a democrapic tool. And, in the police. Who get paid when they crap on their paperwork.

What can happen ahead?

Oh, I expect Oprah will come out of retirement. And, there will be a best seller detailing the story of the frenchman's cock. The same way you know Bill Clinton's doesn't jut straight out! But bends. A curiosity most women haven't seen in life.

And, even bent, it can still be schtupped into a hole.

Given time this story will SWELL.

The DA? He hasn't reached home plate, yet. And, his office is a SNAKE PIT!

Once, when the cops had their own snake pit, along came SERPICO. (True story.)

Sixty Grit said...

Carol Herman, start with your own work before editing the work of others.

DADvocate said...

Years ago, some book I read contained this phrase describing a woman's breasts as "alabaster orbs of desire." Bad prose is, indeed, memorable.

The Crack Emcee said...

That quote is quite simply awful writing.

You're all going to Hell, because that quote is quite simply awful writing.

Hockey Bum said...

Honk if you like the winner of the Romance category!

edutcher said...

For a second, I thought Ann knew something about The Blonde I hadn't been told.

prairie wind said...

Business was kinda slow at the 'If You Build It' sperm bank.

I didn't write that.

ricpic said...

What's so awful about "It was a dark and stormy night?"

ALH said...

"wind powered turbine"....
because a diesel powered turbine would be totally so not green.

bagoh20 said...

It's still better than I could do. She spelled all the words rite...I think.

bagoh20 said...

It seems to be quite deep as it conjures up the wrenching hypocrisy of supporting wildlife shredding machines to save the planet from the rest of the machines.

WV: weedises = Some girls I used to date in college.

Valentine Smith said...

What happened to her thoughts on a windless day?

That's some postmodern bodice ripping prose right there, man. Made me break wind. No turbines spun. But my drawers fluttered.

EDH said...

""... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!"

Valentine Smith said...

DADvocate— "alabaster orbs of desire."

Gotta be "Fanny Hill—Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure." A week after I discovered it my older brother whooped me. The pages were all stuck together. And it was a pretty big book. Ahh, the onset of adolescence.

bagoh20 said...

EDH,

That's a damned funny scene. I'm gonna miss Leslie.

traditionalguy said...

Gone With The Wind Turbine.

A way of life sunk beneath renewable energy and compact flourescent bulbs.

That must be a chick flick script.

Lance said...

associate professor of Curriculum and Instruction

What does an associate professor of curriculum and instruction actually teach?

Steve Koch said...

Surprising that a blast at the eco-fascists would be rewarded. The political winds, they are a'changin.

Chip Ahoy said...

ricpic, I sense you're putting us on.

But in case you're not and in case there is a single person who doesn't know, "It was a dark and stormy night" is not an awful beginning on it's own, but it's not the full sentence.

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Francisco D said...

Turgid doesn't begin to describe that pitiful attempt at prose. Who reads this crap and finds it interesting in any positive sort of way?

rcocean said...

Sorry, I don't think "It was a dark and stormy night..." is really that bad. Yeah, its a run on sentence. But if you were a Victorian - you had time to read - and probably didn't mind the long-winded prose.

Case in point, 1863 people thought Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was almost insultingly short for such a solemn occasion. They preferred Everett's more "eloquent" - at least an hour - address.

Carol_Herman said...

This is NOT Four Score and Seven Years Ago ...

This is "Cheryl's mind turned to chopped liver, so she added schmaltz."

Carol_Herman said...

So, Hockey Bum @ 1:05 PM. If I honk to I get a duck?

Carol_Herman said...

ripic @ 1:49 PM

It loses value because it leaves out thunder and lightening. Until that first clap of thunder ... dark and stormy just has you snuggling up in your bed. It's without fear-factor.

Almost Ali said...

That quote is quite simply awful writing.

Isn't that the point?

Almost Ali said...

And as an example of intentionally awful writing, it's outstanding!

Many Faces Of NORIK said...

This drivel is a winner? In what contest, methinks?

Ann Althouse said...

"This drivel is a winner? In what contest, methinks?"

In the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, the object is to write badly.

Ann Althouse said...

Apparently that's not as well-known a fact as I'd thought!