October 19, 2009

Got any recipes?

DSC04734

61 comments:

Salamandyr said...

Be nice, and don't cheat.

Barry Sr. said...

Marry someone with far less education than you have, especially if you are a lawprof.

Pogo said...

Be thankful for what they are, rather than regret what they are not, much less demand they change. Express that gratitude in some way every day.

My grandpa taught me that. He called his wife "Dolly" and missed her terribly when she died at 83.

kwood said...

Honesty, yes, but Silence too can be golden.

Real silence, not the prune-faced kind.

Pogo said...

Plus, warm cookies, just from the oven.

paul a'barge said...

Wife, submit to your husband. Husband, love your wife as Jesus loved the Church.

paul a'barge said...

Something tells me that Barry Sr is singularly unqualified to comment on what it takes to make a happy marriage.

Michael Hasenstab said...

After twenty-five years of marriage without an argument or fight, my recipe is to inhale and exhale a few times before saying something in anger. Then don't say it.

Marry someone who has a sex drive equal to yours. Sleep in the same bed. Touch a lot. Remember that you married because you were lovers. Have a bath tub large enough to accommodate both of you at the same time. Toys.

Never give your spouse that idea that he or she has to ask your 'permission' for anything. Send suggestive texts and emails once in a while to set the day's mood.

No one ever hears I love you too many times. Hold hands when you walk, even if it's only in the grocery store.

Don't argue about who does what around the house; just do the things you do best. Shelve your ego; the marriage isn't about you, it's about being married. The pants never make anyone look fat, just incredibly beautiful.

Acceptance, peace, and giving yourself to the marriage make it work wonderfully well.

If you wee divorced, don't re-marry for at least five years. You need that much time to come to grips with who you are and what you did to cause the divorce, even if you believe it wasn't your fault. You were there; you are partly to blame, and you need to know why.

ricpic said...

I had an aunt and uncle: she fed him well; he said of her food, "It can't killya." They stayed together for 50 years. Well, to be honest he moved out a couple of times. But still...

kwood said...

"In sickness and in health"

Sitting by someone's bedside clutching their hand is easy. There are other types of sickness that are not so easy. It is for *those* sicknesses that this is intended, not the former.

Comrade X said...

Barry Sr., Chuck R., J.J. Schmidt or whatever you are calling yourself this week, grow up.

traditionalguy said...

Serve one another in a patient loving way, remembering that no one is even close to perfect. And never be jealous of the other's accomplishments, brains and many friends. The more each one has a separate life with success, the more each one brings into the relationship. Enjoy playing together regularly. Finally, be thankful for God's blessing you with the other's unique beauty and sweet companionship.

TRO said...

From the poster I can only say that it appears one must dress well at all times. No more sweatpants and torn t-shirts for hubby or wife.

MadisonMan said...

Moderation in everything.

Robert said...

If your spouse wants you do to something, don't think too much about whether or not it is what you want to do. Most spouses really don't ask very much. Do it because it will make him or her happy. In my experience if my spouse is happy, I am happy. I don't always see this at the moment she is asking me to do something, you know?

Ann Althouse said...

Get him to lean his head into the frying pan and then thwack him on the back of the neck with a big fork.

Scott M said...

RECIPE FOR A SUCCESFUL MARRIAGE

It’s pretty simple. If both people consider themselves 50 percent of the work on the relationship (emotional, financial, housework, kids, etc), it’s doomed.

Both people in the marriage need to feel like they’re giving 60 or 70 percent of the effort. If both do that, their marriage will likely succeed as any potential matrimonial obstacle can be waylaid by 120 to 140 percent combined total effort.

Robert said...

Ok, Ann. That was funny, but pretty sick. What you might see in Rorschach inkblots scares me, heheh.

Meade said...

Whatever the ingredients, whatever the measurements, whatever the cooking method... always, always, ALWAYS...

Stir Well!

MadisonMan said...

I was thinking, not whack him in the back with the fork, but stab him.

datechguy said...

Two simple things:

Don't come with unrealistic expectations from media.

Figure out which hills are worth dying on and which ones aren't.

Meade said...

Oh, and ladies, trust me on this one: Never hesitate to dress up in aprons that make you look like you have big bunny ears coming out of your back.

Robert said...

P.S. Did I wander into Lileks by mistake?

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Lasagna and Coconut Cream Pie.

Kidding. Sort of.

A good marriage is where you are a team. You love, protect and defend each other. You have each other's back. You and your spouse against the world. Never ever denigrate your spouse in public, even in a jokingly way.

Realize that no one is perfect, not even yourself (gasp) Treasure the good in your partner and overlook the minor imperfections. They mean not much in the big scheme of things.


Do nice things for each other, even when you don't feel like it at the moment.....and that includes sex as well as taking out the garbage and cleaning the toilet.

Always be thinking of the other person first. Never dwell on what didn't happen in life or nourish small slights or grudges. Are those things really where you want to make your stand and ruin your relationship?

Don't go to bed angry.

Surprise your partner with daily kindnesses. If both people do this you will be happy.

chickenlittle said...

Share the cooking aspect.

edutcher said...

Barry Sr. said...

Marry someone with far less education than you have, especially if you are a lawprof.

Cheap shot.

Pogo said...

Be thankful for what they are, rather than regret what they are not, much less demand they change. Express that gratitude in some way every day.

Truer than most people think. We can get so wrapped up in (annoying) idiosyncracies, we forget the goodness in our spouses.

paul a'barge said...

Wife, submit to your husband. Husband, love your wife as Jesus loved the Church.

Probably better advice than most of us would think.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

A good marriage is where you are a team. You love, protect and defend each other. You have each other's back. You and your spouse against the world. Never ever denigrate your spouse in public, even in a jokingly way.

Great point, especially in the age of "all men are evil" feminism. No guy worth his salt bad mouths his wife, either.

The one thing I can add is patience. The Blonde has a temper. On our first road trip, she bought a pack of apology cards and, by the time we got home, she had used every one.

I just wish she would calm down a bit.

WV "coariess" A female coarier

t-man said...

I don't think vegetarians can have a happy marriage. Meat eating is required.

wv: uxabledn - Can you believe it? (Experanto for "the wife of someone who goes down")

Sofa King said...

Two words: COCKTAIL HOUR. That means before dinner! And do I really have to say NO TV during Cocktail Hour (exception for digital music channels permitted?) And yes, this is AT HOME, not in a pub, people. Sheesh.

former law student said...

While I still see men in suits, women have neglected their obligation to wear dresses and aprons, as God intended.

jpr9954 said...

Michael Hasenstab said:

If you wee divorced, don't re-marry for at least five years. You need that much time to come to grips with who you are and what you did to cause the divorce, even if you believe it wasn't your fault. You were there; you are partly to blame, and you need to know why.

As a widower, I would this advice would still partially hold true for widows and widowers.

Wait. Come to grips with your grief and its aftermath. If it had been a long illness, get over the guilt that you could have done something to prevent it. Also let go of the anger you have for your spouse dying and leaving you alone.

That said, I firmly believe it is easier to be widowed than to be divorced.

Pogo said...

See if one of you can fit in the basket of a small weather balloon.

Hours of fun.

Darcy said...

LOL, Pogo.

Really heartwarming stuff here. Michael, that was so sweet!

Robert said...

Get him to lean his head into the frying pan and then thwack him on the back of the neck with a big fork.

Andrew called to say you can't blame this one on your commenters.

raf said...

Remember what not being married was really like and why you decided against it. Avoid romanticizing the single life.

wv: batri. To be avoided in a happy marriage.

TRO said...

"Get him to lean his head into the frying pan and then thwack him on the back of the neck with a big fork."

CSI, are you reading?

David said...

Be consistently kind.

No reforming your partner.

Laugh at your faults and your partner's.

Earn respect and give respect.

Be available for sex when your partner wants to.

wv="denag" (I'm not making that up.)

Scott M said...

Make it quite clear to your blushing bride that if she looses her engagement ring, you will forgive her. If she looses an embossed, custom silver watch you get for her, you will forgive her. If she looses the diamond earrings you get for her…she is forever cut off from any further gifts of jewelry forever.

Trust me. The stress level on both sides goes way down after that.

Pogo said...

We were married three weeks. I came home from school and my wife had been cooking.

I said, "Smells good! What are you making?"

She said: "Rice, you asshole."

I was horrified and shocked and angry and wouldn't speak to her for about 3 hours. When I finally told her what was wrong she laughed, which made it worse until she told me she had actualy said "Rice casserole".

Our first anniversary she gave me a card with "Rice, you asshole" on it.

Lesson? PAY ATTENTION!

Ann Althouse said...

@Scott M Somebody knows how to get to a pawn shop.

chickenlittle said...

LOL Pogo!

Quayle said...

Here's all I got:

1. If you want to find faults in the other person, you'll surely find them, but so what. Is it some big achievement to see and point out faults in others?

2. The real achievement is to commit yourself to and affirmatively love a person in spite of their faults; to build on what they do well, and to cover their weaknesses with your own strength, and hope they likewise cover your weakness with theirs. That's true achievement.

2. Anger never built anything, but it can destroy everything.

3. In the hard times, you have to realize that you could bail on the current person and go find another, but in time you'd just be back where you currently are, just with different irritations.

4. There are large reservoirs of joy beyond each season of discontent, if you can only stay committed to each other long enough to get there.

The joy and wholeness comes from the affirmative, unreserved commitment to the other person.

You create the wholeness yourself by being wholehearted - by being wholly in.

PatCA said...

Pogo,
That's funny, LOL.

My mother used to keep bacon fat in a can on the stove and then take it out to the garbage when it got full. One day she said to my Dad as he was leaving, "Take the fat can out!" He was shocked--he thought she meant take your fat can out.

traditionalguy said...

This thread reminds me of an Alfred Hitchcock show. On the show the wife whacked her husband over the head in the kitchen with a frozen leg of lamb. In the final scene the CSI type cops were all over the home looking for a large blunt instrument murder weapon, while they were thanking her for feeding them such a nice leg of lamb dinner.

Michael Hasenstab said...

@Pogo Hilarious!

A wise elder told me "The only thing you can change in life is yourself. People react to what you are. If you don't like how people regard you, then change yourself, and don't try to change them."

Deb said...

Don't take each other for granted. Don't hold a grudge. Remember how lonely your were when you were single. Take a good long look at your beautiful children, every day.

Somtimes you meet and marry the love of your life. Sometimes you build something as you go along. Take your committment seriously.

Watch 51 Birch Street a documentary by Doug Block.

William said...

Everything I know about happy marriages, I learned from Woody Allen movies. I think that if you could marry Penelope Cruz and have occasional threesomes with Scarlet Johanson, that would be the recipe for a successful marriage. Other forms of marriage are much more problematic.

victoria said...

Laugh, laugh laugh, together. A good sense of humor is essential. Some things happens that are so bad as to be incomprehensible. Sadness that you think you will never emerge from. Pain that cuts you to the core of your being. If the 2 of you can find the humor in it, so much the better.

Essential, find the right person. Someone you can trust with your life, sanity, future. 28 years and counting, couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. No one has ever made me so completely happy, with life and with myself.

Be partners in all things, but be able to stand alone.


Love, love love.

Hug, kiss, snuggle.

Dody Jane said...

Be best friends - satify that gossip urge by telling your hubby EVERYTHING!

Roux said...

Always ask about your spouses day and then listen. It's important. Oh and kiss often, every time you come home or leave for work.

Finally never go to bed angry and don't be afraid to say, "I love you".

Hey! It's worked for 27 years for me.

Pogo said...

Phyllis Diller, “Don't go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

MamaM said...

Mutuality and Collaboration

Grace and Truth

The ongoing awareness and practice of these two paired concepts has provided us the means to slowly but surely replace our Original Recipe behaviors, which include:

Power-over and Enabling

Fixing and Convincing

Winning and Losing

It's definitely been a journey, made lighter by realizing there is goodness but no perfection when it comes to relationships.

Your Correspondent said...

Your spouse absolutely must be someone you respect.
People go much further for those they respect; so will you.
If you have trouble finding the respect, it's your responsibility to go find it, not your partner's responsibility to hand it to you.
That's the work, the real hard work, of making the partnership continue.

Joe said...

When your spouse gets upset about not being able to find something they "just" put down and you can clearly see it less than five feet from them, keep your laughter to a minimum.

Saying "what are you, one of our kids?" may be pushing the envelope.

Robert said...

Joe: more generally:

1. Don't laugh when your spouse does anything dumb that makes you want to laugh as you might hurt your spouse's feelings.

2. Don't let your feelings be hurt when your spouse inevitably laughs at something dumb you have done.

The Elder said...

Just one bit of advice: "Get a room!"

So now you know who was yelling at you.

Meade said...

Ha ha... I thought I recognized that hoosier hoot.

Did you learn anything from that? Hint: Girls like to be kissed. And cuddled. On a regular basis.

Robert said...

Even Law Professor girls? Who knew?

Is it okay to refer to her as a "girl"? Is that some sort of violation of the feminist code?

After all, I once heard a self-described feminist on the radio saying men should not open doors for women, as it was form of sexism. Who knows what a guy can get in trouble for?

For me, it was obey the lady on the radio or obey my Mom. No contest there.

Joe said...

Robert; in our family we actually have fun. We laugh, we joke, we tease, we make sarcastic comments. We don't hurl things at each other like my brother did when we were young.

Beau said...

Separate bank accounts.

Never hold a grudge bears repeating.

Sissy Willis said...

Tuck and I have been married 25 years, and he's never said no to the delicious, nutritious and aesthetically pleasing dishes from my bloggy "Cold Turkey Cookbook."

Index to Recipes

John Clifford said...

It's not enough to find the right person. You have to be the right person.

Despite what modern culture would have us think, men still like being admired and respected... and women still like being admired and respected.

Don't measure your spouse's efforts, and then be resentful and try not to do any more than you think they do. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100%. If you're not willing to step all the way into the boat you should have stayed on the dock.

Remember that it's far better to not say something you'll regret than to say it and then regret it. You may not mean what you say, but spouses never forget even if they forgive. Respect is essential for trust, and for love. The quickest way to make someone fall out of love with you is to treat them disrespectfully.

Don't EVER talk your spouse down to a friend or family member. You'll get over being mad quickly, but they'll remember what you said forever... and they'll think of the bad things you said every time they meet your spouse even if you've forgotten all about it. Argue constructively (not meanly), but defend your spouse from others, even from your family or close friends.