April 20, 2006

The 100 unsexiest men in the world.

Surely, there's someone less sexy than Gilbert Gottfried, but when you're making a list, you've got to put famous people on it. But anyway, Gottfried is funny, and don't all those surveys about what women find sexy always put humor near the top? I know... but still... There's got to be a guy who looks and sounds like Gottfried but isn't funny.

I'm not going to pick over this whole list. I'll just focus on #38, Larry David. I've had spontaneous discussions with women on the precise subject: Larry David is sexy.

And let me single out one choice to agree with: #45, Nick Nolte. I don't know exactly what it is, but I have a physical aversion to him. (Which makes me want to ask: why isn't Michael Douglas on the list?)

And what's with throwing in Osama Bin Laden -- at #8. (And why 8, specifically? Just to stick it to guys like Alan Colmes, who fared worse?) If the list is open to the likes of bin Laden, this guy springs to mind.

60 comments:

Simon said...

No paul begala? federline only 99th? hmm. Seems pretty random.

Simon said...

I wonder, incidentally, if an article titled "the 100 least least attractive women alive" would provoke a different reaction to "the 100 unsexiest men in the world"?

(obligatory snark: technically, Maxim magazine produces one every year, under a misleading title).

MadisonMan said...

Wow, caucasian men are overwhelmingly ugly, given their prominence on this list compared to their population in the world!

Mark Daniels said...

I'm just relieved to know that I'm not on the list.

Jennifer said...

Surely, there's someone less sexy than Gilbert Gottfried, but when you're making a list, you've got to put famous people on it.

Heh, heh. Can you imagine if they didn't do it that way? And the hairy slob from down the street found himself on the list? Yes, you, Howard Schlump, of Magnolia Street. You are one of the unsexiest men in the world!

vbspurs said...

but when you're making a list, you've got to put famous people on it.

Okay, then I'd like to nominate Glenn Quagmire, of Family Guy.

But if we're going with non-famous men, and this time not a cartoon, how about the guy in Florida, who posed as a doctor giving out free breast exams?

Desperateness is way unsexy.

P.S.: If there's a list about the ugliest dead guys in history, please look no further than Chairman Yasser "That's My Baby" Arafat.

What the heck was that about?

Cheers,
Victoria

Wade_Garrett said...

I agree with putting Randy Johnson at #2, though now that he has short hair he's less odd-looking than he used to be. There are a lot of baseball players on this list -- Nixon, McGee, Matsui, Tavares -- is baseball known as an especially ugly sport?

The other one that jumps out at me is Seinfeld: I know a lot of women who thought Jerry was cute when he was younger. As for Bin Laden, I'd say he'd have to be #2 behind that Pakistani terrorist who looks like Ron Jeremy's long-lost cousin.

vbspurs said...

is baseball known as an especially ugly sport?

How can anyone say that, with Mike Ricci of the San Jose Sharks still around?

He looks like a Jesus Christ Superstar high school play reject.

The other one that jumps out at me is Seinfeld: I know a lot of women who thought Jerry was cute when he was younger.

Gosh, I don't think he's hideous either.

As for Bin Laden, I'd say he'd have to be #2 behind that Pakistani terrorist who looks like Ron Jeremy's long-lost cousin.

Not Richard Reeves the "Shoe Bomber"?

Frankly, I can't think of one handsome Al-Qaeda member.

Certainly not Moussaoui, whose courtroom cartoons of his huge nose, and fleshy lips verge on the Al Jolson.

Jose Padilla, Al-Zarkawi, even Ahmenijad (to stretch the term a bit) are just hideous.

Say what you want of Saddam Hussein, and I say plenty, but the man knew full well he was handsome, and exploited it.

Cheers,
Victoria

Goesh said...

From hookahs to unsexy men, no wonder I keep coming back to this blog. Emeril Legasse is on the list. I note smiles from many of the women in his studio audience. I wonder if the smiles are for Emeril or the way he handles his meat?

MadisonMan said...

There are a lot of baseball players on this list -- Nixon, McGee, Matsui, Tavares -- is baseball known as an especially ugly sport?

The Phoenix is a Boston paper, no? And it's springtime and everyone's thinking RedSox. If the list had been put together in fall, football players would be on it.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

Larry David is sexy.

Could you please elaborate on that? I'm not sayin' I disagree, I'm just looking for the criteria.

He drives a Pious, you know.

Hecla Ma said...

Jerry Seinfeld is sexy.

But then, I always was a softy for Jewish guys...

Marghlar said...

Ann: I know that my wife would strongly I agree with you about Michael Douglas...she is continually mystified by his ability to be seen as a sex symbol.

Marghlar said...

Also: I don't think people adequately appreciate the degree to which Gottfried's personality is probably a persona...that is, if you hung out at his house, I'm willing to bet that he doesn't actually act like that.

Very common among comics, especially of the old school...schtick is their business, and a big public persona is a classic way of branding oneself.

Take away the schtick, and I'm not sure Gottfried is actually that bad looking.

Marghlar said...

I myself don't understand how Michael Jackson didn't end up at the top of the list...maybe its nostalgia for his former decent looks...but I think that at present, he has to be the clear winner.

Alien face + reclusive pedophilia -- it's a winning combination.

bearbee said...

I dunno...it seems to me if one is going to include a senator that Ted Kennedy would easily trump Joe Lieberman.

jimcaserta said...

I heard KSM used to stand in for Ron Jeremy - doesn't that make him a little sexier?

LarryK said...

Larry David is sexy.

Could you please elaborate on that? I'm not sayin' I disagree, I'm just looking for the criteria.

It's something about the name Larry...

DF said...

Victoria-

How can you select Glenn? He may be crude and have a big jaw, but he is fit and sleeps with many women who must find him sexy (including the pretty maid/wife and Loretta (who slept with him even though she despised him)).

Shame, shame.

knoxgirl said...

Yeah, I would have to disagree with the Larry David=sexy thing. He has too much hair growing down his neck (either that, or a near-mullet. Which is no better.) He also dresses like a frumpy woman.

I second the Michael Douglas nomination (gross-matic!), and I would like to add every man who has had plastic surgery. Men just aren't supposed to care that much about their looks, it's off-putting.

Someone who IS ugly--but who I think is rather sexy-- is Tommy Lee Jones. It's all in the confidence/attitude. (I mean a younger version, he's a bit old at this point.)

Tom said...

I couldn't resist posting this as soon as I found it!

11. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

reader_iam said...

Huh.

I find a fair number of men sexy on this list. Which isn't to say I'd want to jump their bones, right then and there, if I met them in person. Still ...

I find Michael Douglas quite off-putting too and have for a long time--but I have to say, when he first started appearing in "The Streets of San Francisco" way back when, my reaction was somewhat different.

Some people get less sexy over time (just as some get more sexy), and I'm not sure how much that really has to do with the sheer physical aspect of it.

I find great talent and/or brilliance inherently sexy, not to mention a wicked or off-kilter (but not mean or narrow-spirited) sense of humor. I suppose that could account for my disagreement with some of the entries on this list.

That, or I'm just plain weird.

reader_iam said...

Simon:

Paul Begala: a natural form of birth control, by my lights. Brrrrr.

reader_iam said...

Isn't it interesting that this list was compiled by men?

What the hell do men know about what women find sexy?

Only askin' ...

As you've pointed out previously, Ann, in a blog post or comment here somewhere (and, if memory serves, in a podcast referring to whichever it was), women's views of what's a turn on is complicated.

Coco said...

It would be way more damning and hurtful if women actually did compose the list. At least this way the winners (losers) can tell themselves, "what the hell do men know about what women think are sexy"?

reader_iam said...

Coco:

Excellent point.

vh: iwlegc

I don't think I need to explain that one. ROTFLOL

reader_iam said...

Is it shorts weather in Madison yet, Ann?

Brendan said...

Did the columnist actually imply that Sean Hannity is a Nazi?

Synova said...

I think that most of those people, at least the ones I actually know what they look like, look like people. Maybe they aren't sexy or particularly attractive, but they come in that broad middle that most of us are part of.

Pogo said...

As for baseball's over-representation on the list: I don't think that's just the proximity to spring talking here.
No, ma'am.

When I was a kid, we used to go through our baseball cards and select the "Annual All-Ugly Baseball Team". Lawdy, but there was some uuhhgly mens around sporting baseball caps. It was hard to keep the number to just nine.

Football? Not really so ugly. Was it the era, or just the uniforms?.

MadisonMan said...

Is it shorts weather in Madison yet, Ann?

I'm not Ann, but the weather in Madison this month has been spine-tinglingly delightful. Really, there is nothing better than a Good Spring in the midwest. And this one, so far, is most definitely qualifying.

I wore shorts today, too! No more huge laundry loads of long pants! Yay! I know that makes me ugly in some people's books, but that's a cross I will gladly bear.

Doug Sundseth said...

"How can anyone say that, with Mike Ricci of the San Jose Sharks still around?"

Perhaps you'd be interested to know that Mike Ricci was named "Denver's Sexiest Athlete" in 1997.

(I don't judge; I just report.)

LoafingOaf said...

I would've worked Al Franken in there. He's always struck me as an extremely asexual looking man and the sound of his voice makes it even worse.

As for baseball players supposedly being ugly, I dunno...here in Cleveland all the women are swooning over Grady Sizemore like he's the Brad Pitt of Northeast Ohio. I think it's pitchers who tend to be the ugly ones.

LoafingOaf said...

I think it's pitchers who tend to be the ugly ones.

And I think pitchers sometimes LIKE being ugly. All the better to intimidate a batter. Don't shave, don't brush your teeth before a start, and be big and fat if you wanna.

AJ Lynch said...

Brendan said:
"Did the columnist actually imply that Sean Hannity is a Nazi?"

Nazi? No, she said "brown shirt" which refers to Mussolini's fascist uniforms.

It's amazing how the conservatives commentators are regularly used as punching bags by the MSM.

Marghlar said...

I would've worked Al Franken in there.

He's on there, at number 40.

vbspurs said...

Since Ann must be busy with Law school finals and hasn't been able to update, here goes an attempt at my person list of the bufugly men around.

Do one too!

Top 10 Unsexiest Men Alive

10- My night porter Diego from Argentina, who has blackheads growing so huge on his nose, you'd swear he could comb them. Ick.

9- Al Gore -- the automaton with a heart of gold. Unfortunately, he stinks of loser.

8- Senator John McCain -- just to be fair and balanced, plus to mention he looks like a gassy otter with a blotchy complexion.

7- Karl Lagerfeld -- which blows, because I genuinely find him intriguing and fun.

6- Reverend Al Sharpton -- not with that Mary Tyler Moore flip hairdo, you don't.

5- Graham Norton -- So Graham Nortonly unsexy.

4- Ivan Campo. Ugliest/unsexiest soccer player alive, including anything called Alexi Lalas.

3- Bill Gates -- In the words of the immortal Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club, he's a "neo maxi zoom dweebie".

2- Charles, Prince of Wales -- this Edwardian hippy is not only hideous, but he's boring. A deadly sin in my book.

1- Michael Jackson -- the other white meat. Creepsville.

P.S.: My definition of "unsexy" is as follows:

A man or woman you cannot see yourself french-kissing, unless barbituates, and/or large sums of money were involved.

Cheers,
Victoria

vbspurs said...

Perhaps you'd be interested to know that Mike Ricci was named "Denver's Sexiest Athlete" in 1997.

Whoa.

Of course, Coloradans are as loopy as a box of fruit cereal...

Can you tell I have never forgiven the Avalanche for beating my Florida Panthers?

(I don't judge; I just report.)

I judge and report! It's more fun that way.

Cheers,
Victoria

Simon said...

"It's amazing how the conservatives commentators are regularly used as punching bags by the MSM."

It's not really amazing. Most reporters who work for the MSM are liberals, so you take that fact and turn up the partisan heat, and what do you think you'll get?

vbspurs said...

It's not really amazing. Most reporters who work for the MSM are liberals, so you take that fact and turn up the partisan heat, and what do you think you'll get?

I think Simon, that was the unspoken point he was making.

And anyone who thinks Sean Hannity is unsexy has got a screw loose.

Bill O'Reilly, sure. He looks like an arsehold Irish cop.

But Hannity?

Best part of the dismal Moveon.org documentary called "Outfoxed", was when they made the point that Fox News put a "handsome Irish man" next to a "weasely looking one", the better to make the conservative look.

If even THEY think he's good-looking...

Cheers,
Victoria

Steve Donohue said...

If still alive, I'm sure each of the three stooges would appear prominently on Ann's list.

Simon said...

Victoria,
It does seem to be the case that a disproportionate number of good-looking guys are conservatives and a disproportionate number of good-looking women seem to be liberals. I mean, who have we got, really? Excluding the federal judiciary, that is; we not only get Kozinski, we get Diane Sykes and Karen Williams while they're stuck with...Um...Steven Reinhardt.

(There may be some dissent on this point, given the weird conservative penchant for terrifying anorexic blondes, so perhaps I'm alone in concluding that Garofalo is attractive).

Bah - you women get all the fun. You just know that McPhee is almost certain to be a democrat. ;)

Mark said...

Jimmy. Carter.

Aspasia M. said...

I also agree about Michael Douglas.

---

I also think that men who are too muscle-bound arn't sexy. Arnold Schwartzenegger comes to mind. But really, anybody who's been in those muscle contests would qualify. (What happened to their necks!?!)

Aspasia M. said...

Are any politicians sexy? I don't think I have ever, ever thought that a national politician was sexy.

The only one I can think of that even approaches sexyness is Paul Hackett. (And he's more of a military guy, since he didn't win his election.)

AlaskaJack said...

Michael Moore only #39!! How can this be? I always thought left wing women were beating down his bedroom door just to get at him.

John Tabin said...

13. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat["] . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked.

That's Adrock's line, not Mike D's. Philistines.

Jennifer said...

Are any politicians sexy?

Geoduck2 - I think Tony Blair is sexy. I have no idea why, though! He's pretty far off from what usually turns my head.

Telecomedian said...

>>MadisonMan said...
Wow, caucasian men are overwhelmingly ugly, given their prominence on this list compared to their population in the world!<<


Well, it *IS* a Boston paper. I worked for a brewery up there after college, and it ain't exactly a Benetton ad in Beantown.

SippicanCottage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean E said...

"Seems pretty random."

As good a summation as any.

No Kim Jong Il?

Clint Howard is apparently sexier than Ron Howard?

vbspurs said...

It does seem to be the case that a disproportionate number of good-looking guys are conservatives and a disproportionate number of good-looking women seem to be liberals

I'm not one of the people who think this topic can be divided this way.

Consider:

Historically, Republicans can count

Abe Lincoln (blows chunks)
Calvin Coolidge ("weaned on a lemon")
Richard Nixon (barfarama)

Mind you, we have 19th century pin up boy Chester A. Arthur on our side, and Ronald Reagan in the 20th, as sexy men.

Democrats have Jack Kennedy, but that makes up for a lot.

(Bill Clinton makes my skin crawl, in the sexiness department, but I know a lot of women find him sexy, so I'll give him that)

But Republican women we see today seem to be MUCH more beautiful than their counterparts.

Michelle Malkin. Ann Coulter. Laura Ingraham. And the various blonde babes of Fox News.

And of course, me. :)

Cheers,
Victoria

vbspurs said...

No Kim Jong Il?

Welcome to the Jong-Il...how could we forget, Sean.

Also, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.

If a muskrat and Rigoberta Menchu could propagate, he would be their offspring. Ño!

Cheers,
Victoria

SippicanCottage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Simon said...

geoduck2 said...
"Are any politicians sexy? I don't think I have ever, ever thought that a national politician was sexy."

Hillary, perhaps. She has a "give me whatever I want, however I waat it, and then get the hell out of my sight" look about herr. That could be sexy in certain circumstances.

Victoria said...
"Republican women we see today seem to be MUCH more beautiful than their counterparts. Michelle Malkin. Ann Coulter. Laura Ingraham. And the various blonde babes of Fox News."
Ingraham I'll agree with. But the Fox Chicks and Ann Coulter are more or less what I had in mind when referrring to the bizarre conservative penchant for terrifying anorexic blondes. It's actually hard to imagine a female less sexually attractive than Ann Coulter, actually. I haven't really formed an opinion about Malkin; she's eloquent, so that's a big plus, but she's also wrong quite often, so that's a bit of a negative. Nuala O'Connor Kelly, who worked for DHS for a couple of years maybe? But she's not really a politician, just a political appointment.

Aspasia M. said...

Geoduck2 - I think Tony Blair is sexy. I have no idea why, though!

I know what you mean! Friends and I have had this conversation. I think it's two things: 1) English accent. 2) He's a debate geek, which I love. Have you ever seen the questions for Parliament on C-Span? He's so cute.

----

And, I gotta agree with Simon about the anorexic blond comment.

knoxgirl said...

"Hillary, perhaps."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????

I can see the "powerful woman = sexy" angle, but whenever Hillary gives a speech it's like she's shouting in a monotone. It's like if someone tried to make a robot sound assertive. Decidedly NOT sexy. Well, IMO, obviously. She also seems to have no sense of humor which automatically deducts sexy points.

Now, that Katherine McPhee on the other hand... : P

Cousin Don said...

Victoria- You can take heart in the fact that the Boston Phoenix is a free weekly best known for the tremendous number of bizarre personals and ads for escort services. It is very liberal and I would not be surprised if it called Hannity many other nasty things besides ugly.

Hillary, sexy? Not even after a case of Sam Adams!

Simon said...

Knoxgirl-
"[regarding Hillary: ] whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????? I can see the "powerful woman = sexy" angle, but whenever Hillary gives a speech it's like she's shouting in a monotone. It's like if someone tried to make a robot sound assertive."
Well, no doubt, "powerful woman = sexy". And I'm hardly saying that Hillary Clinton is my dream date, but the question was, are there any sexy politicians, and I think Hillary has a claim. First, the whole ice maiden thing works for her, second, it's just inconceivable that she's that stiff in private, and third, there's the whole "sleeping with the enemy" thing that inheres in a conservative being attracted to a liberal.

"Now, that Katherine McPhee on the other hand... : P"
Part of me wants to agree. We won't go into which part. But in any event, well, here we see the other side of the coin. McPhee is fantastically beautiful; as with Geena Davies, you kind of want to glance skyward and shoot a "well done, fella!" glance in God's direction. But is beautiful sexy? Not necessarily, I'd have to say. I mean, she may well turn out to be not only beautiful but sexy, but for now, I would only agree to the first proposition.

AlaskaJack said...

Before we rush to put Hillary on the "most sexy" list, we need an expert opinion. I call Bill Clinton to the witness stand.